the dark flower-第44节

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Why　could　he　not　wrench　this　feeling　from　his　heart；　banish
this　girl　from　his　eyes？　　Why　could　he　not　be　wholly　true　to　her
who　was　and　always　had　been　wholly　true　to　him？　　Horriblethis
will…less；　nerveless　feeling；　this　paralysis；　as　if　he　were　a
puppet　moved　by　a　cruel　hand。　　And；　as　once　before；　it　seemed　to
him　that　the　girl　was　sitting　there　in　Sylvia's　chair　in　her　dark
red　frock；　with　her　eyes　fixed　on　him。　　Uncannily　vividthat
impression！　。　。　。　　A　man　could　not　go　on　long　with　his　head　in
Chancery　like　this；　without　becoming　crazed！

It　was　growing　dusk　on　Saturday　afternoon　when　he　gave　up　that
intolerable　waiting　and　opened　the　studio　door　to　go　to　Nell。　　It
was　now　just　two　days　since　he　had　seen　or　heard　of　her。　　She　had
spoken　of　a　dance　for　that　very　nightof　his　going　to　it。　　She
MUST　be　ill！

But　he　had　not　taken　six　steps　when　he　saw　her　coming。　　She　had　on
a　grey　furry　scarf；　hiding　her　mouth；　making　her　look　much　older。
The　moment　the　door　was　shut　she　threw　it　off；　went　to　the　hearth；
drew　up　a　little　stool；　and；　holding　her　hands　out　to　the　fire；
said：

〃Have　you　thought　about　me？　　Have　you　thought　enough　now？〃

And　he　answered：　〃Yes；　I've　thought；　but　I'm　no　nearer。〃

〃Why？　　Nobody　need　ever　know　you　love　me。　　And　if　they　did；　I
wouldn't　care。〃

Simple！　　How　simple！　　Glorious；　egoistic　youth！

He　could　not　speak　of　Sylvia　to　this　childspeak　of　his　married
life；　hitherto　so　dignified；　so　almost　sacred。　　It　was　impossible。
Then　he　heard　her　say：

〃It　can't　be　wrong　to　love　YOU！　　I　don't　care　if　it　is　wrong；〃　and
saw　her　lips　quivering；　and　her　eyes　suddenly　piteous　and　scared；
as　if　for　the　first　time　she　doubted　of　the　issue。　　Here　was　fresh
torment！　　To　watch　an　unhappy　child。　　And　what　was　the　use　of　even
trying　to　make　clear　to　heron　the　very　threshold　of　lifethe
hopeless　maze　that　he　was　wandering　in！　　What　chance　of　making　her
understand　the　marsh　of　mud　and　tangled　weeds　he　must　drag　through
to　reach　her。　　〃Nobody　need　know。〃　　So　simple！　　What　of　his　heart
and　his　wife's　heart？　　And；　pointing　to　his　new　workthe　first　man
bewitched　by　the　first　nymphhe　said：

〃Look　at　this；　Nell！　　That　nymph　is　you；　and　this　man　is　me。〃　　She
got　up；　and　came　to　look。　　And　while　she　was　gazing　he　greedily
drank　her　in。　　What　a　strange　mixture　of　innocence　and　sorcery！
What　a　wonderful　young　creature　to　bring　to　full　knowledge　of　love
within　his　arms！　　And　he　said：　〃You　had　better　understand　what　you
are　to　meall　that　I　shall　never　know　again；　there　it　is　in　that
nymph's　face。　　Oh；　no！　not　YOUR　face。　　And　there　am　I　struggling
through　slime　to　reach　younot　MY　face；　of　course。〃

She　said：　〃Poor　face！〃　then　covered　her　own。　　Was　she　going　to　cry；
and　torture　him　still　more？　　But；　instead；　she　only　murmured：　〃But
you　HAVE　reached　me！〃　swayed　towards　him；　and　put　her　lips　to　his。

He　gave　way　then。　　From　that　too　stormy　kiss　of　his　she　drew　back
for　a　second；　then；　as　if　afraid　of　her　own　recoil；　snuggled　close
again。　　But　the　instinctive　shrinking　of　innocence　had　been　enough
for　Lennanhe　dropped　his　arms　and　said：

〃You　must　go；　child。〃

Without　a　word　she　picked　up　her　fur；　put　it　on；　and　stood　waiting
for　him　to　speak。　　Then；　as　he　did　not；　she　held　out　something
white。　　It　was　the　card　for　the　dance。

〃You　said　you　were　coming？〃

And　he　nodded。　　Her　eyes　and　lips　smiled　at　him；　she　opened　the
door；　and；　still　with　that　slow；　happy　smile；　went　out。　。　。　。

Yes；　he　would　be　coming；　wherever　she　was；　whenever　she　wanted
him！　。　。　。

His　blood　on　fire；　heedless　of　everything　but　to　rush　after
happiness；　Lennan　spent　those　hours　before　the　dance。　　He　had　told
Sylvia　that　he　would　be　dining　at　his　Cluba　set　of　rooms　owned　by
a　small　coterie　of　artists　in　Chelsea。　　He　had　taken　this
precaution；　feeling　that　he　could　not　sit　through　dinner　opposite
her　and　then　go　out　to　that　danceand　Nell！　　He　had　spoken　of　a
guest　at　the　Club；　to　account　for　evening　dressanother　lie；　but
what　did　it　matter？　　He　was　lying　all　the　time；　if　not　in　words；　in
actionmust　lie；　indeed；　to　save　her　suffering！

He　stopped　at　the　Frenchwoman's　flower　shop。

〃Que　desirez…vous；　monsieur？　　Des　oeillets　rougesj'en　ai　de　bien
beaux；　ce　soir。〃

Des　oeillets　rouges？　　Yes；　those　to…night！　　To　this　address。　　No
green　with　them；　no　card！

How　strange　the　feelingwith　the　die　once　cast　for　loveof
rushing；　of　watching　his　own　self　being　left　behind！

In　the　Brompton　Road；　outside　a　little　restaurant；　a　thin　musician
was　playing　on　a　violin。　　Ah！　and　he　knew　this　place；　he　would　go
in　there；　not　to　the　Cluband　the　fiddler　should　have　all　he　had
to　spare；　for　playing　those　tunes　of　love。　　He　turned　in。　　He　had
not　been　there　since　the　day　before　that　night　on　the　river；　twenty
years　ago。　　Never　since；　and　yet　it　was　not　changed。　　The　same
tarnished　gilt；　and　smell　of　cooking；　the　same　macaroni　in　the　same
tomato　sauce；　the　same　Chianti　flasks；　the　same　staring；　light…blue
walls　wreathed　with　pink　flowers。　　Only　the　waiter　different
hollow…cheeked；　patient；　dark　of　eye。　　He；　too；　should　be　well
tipped！　　And　that　poor；　over…hatted　lady；　eating　her　frugal　meal
to　her；　at　all　events；　a　look　of　kindness。　　For　all　desperate
creatures　he　must　feel；　this　desperate　night！　　And　suddenly　he
thought　of　Oliver。　　Another　desperate　one！　　What　should　he　say　to
Oliver　at　this　dancehe；　aged　forty…seven；　coming　there　without
his　wife！　　Some　imbecility；　such　as：　'Watching　the　human　form
divine　in　motion；'　'Catching　sidelights　on　Nell　for　the　statuette'
some　cant；　it　did　not　matter！　　The　wine　was　drawn；　and　he　must
drink！

It　was　still　early　when　he　left　the　restauranta　dry　night；　very
calm；　not　cold。　　When　had　he　danced　last？　　With　Olive　Cramier；
before　he　knew　he　loved　her。　　Well；　THAT　memory　could　not　be
broken；　for　he　would　not　dance　to…night！　　Just　watch；　sit　with　the
girl　a　few　minutes；　feel　her　hand　cling　to　his；　see　her　eyes　turned
back　to　him；　andcome　away！　　And　thenthe　future！　　For　the　wine
was　drawn！　　The　leaf　of　a　plane…tree；　fluttering　down；　caught　on
his　sleeve。　　Autumn　would　soon　be　gone；　and　after　Autumnonly
Winter！　　She　would　have　done　with　him　long　before　he　came　to
Winter。　　Nature　would　see　to　it　that　Youth　called　for　her；　and
carried　her　away。　　Nature　in　her　courses！　　But　just　to　cheat　Nature
for　a　little　while！　　To　cheat　Naturewhat　greater　happiness！

Here　was　the　place　with　red…striped　awning；　carriages　driving　away；
loiterers　watching。　　He　turned　in　with　a　beating　heart。　　Was　he
before　her？　　How　would　she　come　to　this　first　dance？　　With　Oliver
alone？　　Or　had　some　chaperon　been　found？　　To　have　come　because　she
this　child　so　lovely；　born　'outside'might　have　need　of
chaperonage；　would　have　been　some　comfort　to　dignity；　so　wistful；
so　lost　as　his。　　But；　alas！　he　knew　he　was　only　there　because　he
could　not　keep　away！

Already　they　were　dancing　in　the　hall　upstairs；　but　not　she；　yet；
and　he　stood　leaning　against　the　wall　where　she　must　pass。　　Lonely
and　out　of　place　he　felt；　as　if　everyone　must　know　why　he　was
there。　　People　stared；　and　he　heard　a　girl　ask：　〃Who's　that　against
the　wall　with　the　hair　and　dark　moustache？〃and　her　partner
murmuring　his　answer；　and　her　voice　again：　〃Yes；　he　looks　as　if　he
were　seeing　sand　and　lions。〃　　For　whom；　then；　did　they　take　him？
Thank　heaven！　　They　were　all　the　usual　sort。　　There　would　be　no　one
that　he　knew。　　Suppose　Johnny　Dromore　himself　came　with　Nell！　　He
was　to　be　back　on　Saturday！　　What　could　he　say；　then？　　How　meet
those　doubting；　knowing　eyes；　goggling　with　the　fixed　philosophy
that　a　man　has　but　one　use　for　woman？　　God！　and　it　would　be　true！
For　a　moment　he　was　on　the　point　of　getting　his　coat　and　hat；　and
sneaking　away。　　That　would　mean　not　seeing　her　till　Monday；　and　he
stood　his　ground。　　But　after　to…night　there　must　be　no　more　such
riskstheir　meetings　must　be　wisely　planned；　must　sink
underground。　　And　then　he　saw　her　at　the　foot　of　the　stairs　in　a
dress　of　a　shell…pink　colour；　with　one　of　his　flowers　in　her　light…
brown　hair　and　the　others　tied　to　the　handle　of　a　tiny　fan。　　How
self…possessed　she　looked；　as　if　this　were　indeed　her　native
elementher　neck　and　arms　bare；　her　cheeks　a　deep　soft　pink；　her
eyes　quickly　turning　here　and　there。　　She　began　mounting　the
stairs；　and　saw　him。　　Was　ever　anything　so　lovely　as　she　looked
just　then？　　Behind　her　he　marked　Oliver；　and　a　tall　girl　with　red
hair；　and　another　young　man。　　He　moved　deliberately　to　the　top　of
the　stairs　on　the　wall　side；　so　that　from　behind　they　should　not
see　her　face　when　she　greeted　him。　　She　put　the　little　fan　with　the
flowers　to　her　lips；　and；　holding　out　her　hand；　said；　quick　and　low：

〃The　fourth；　it's　a　polka；　we'll　sit　out；　won't　we？〃

Then　swaying　a　little；　so　that　her　hair　and　the　flower　in　it　almost
touched　his　face；　she　passed；　and　there　in　her　stead　stood　Oliver。

Lennan　had　expected　one　of　his　old　insolent　looks；　but　the　young
man's　face　was　eager　and　quite　friendly。

〃It　was　awfully　good　of　you　to　come；　Mr。　Lennan。　　Is　Mrs。　Lennan〃

And　Lennan　murmured：

〃She　wasn't　able；　she's　not　quite〃　and　could　have　sunk　into　the
shining　floor。　　Youth　with　its　touching　confidence；　its　eager