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第44节

the dark flower-第44节

小说: the dark flower 字数: 每页4000字

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Why could he not wrench this feeling from his heart; banish
this girl from his eyes?  Why could he not be wholly true to her
who was and always had been wholly true to him?  Horriblethis
will…less; nerveless feeling; this paralysis; as if he were a
puppet moved by a cruel hand。  And; as once before; it seemed to
him that the girl was sitting there in Sylvia's chair in her dark
red frock; with her eyes fixed on him。  Uncannily vividthat
impression! 。 。 。  A man could not go on long with his head in
Chancery like this; without becoming crazed!

It was growing dusk on Saturday afternoon when he gave up that
intolerable waiting and opened the studio door to go to Nell。  It
was now just two days since he had seen or heard of her。  She had
spoken of a dance for that very nightof his going to it。  She
MUST be ill!

But he had not taken six steps when he saw her coming。  She had on
a grey furry scarf; hiding her mouth; making her look much older。
The moment the door was shut she threw it off; went to the hearth;
drew up a little stool; and; holding her hands out to the fire;
said:

〃Have you thought about me?  Have you thought enough now?〃

And he answered: 〃Yes; I've thought; but I'm no nearer。〃

〃Why?  Nobody need ever know you love me。  And if they did; I
wouldn't care。〃

Simple!  How simple!  Glorious; egoistic youth!

He could not speak of Sylvia to this childspeak of his married
life; hitherto so dignified; so almost sacred。  It was impossible。
Then he heard her say:

〃It can't be wrong to love YOU!  I don't care if it is wrong;〃 and
saw her lips quivering; and her eyes suddenly piteous and scared;
as if for the first time she doubted of the issue。  Here was fresh
torment!  To watch an unhappy child。  And what was the use of even
trying to make clear to heron the very threshold of lifethe
hopeless maze that he was wandering in!  What chance of making her
understand the marsh of mud and tangled weeds he must drag through
to reach her。  〃Nobody need know。〃  So simple!  What of his heart
and his wife's heart?  And; pointing to his new workthe first man
bewitched by the first nymphhe said:

〃Look at this; Nell!  That nymph is you; and this man is me。〃  She
got up; and came to look。  And while she was gazing he greedily
drank her in。  What a strange mixture of innocence and sorcery!
What a wonderful young creature to bring to full knowledge of love
within his arms!  And he said: 〃You had better understand what you
are to meall that I shall never know again; there it is in that
nymph's face。  Oh; no! not YOUR face。  And there am I struggling
through slime to reach younot MY face; of course。〃

She said: 〃Poor face!〃 then covered her own。  Was she going to cry;
and torture him still more?  But; instead; she only murmured: 〃But
you HAVE reached me!〃 swayed towards him; and put her lips to his。

He gave way then。  From that too stormy kiss of his she drew back
for a second; then; as if afraid of her own recoil; snuggled close
again。  But the instinctive shrinking of innocence had been enough
for Lennanhe dropped his arms and said:

〃You must go; child。〃

Without a word she picked up her fur; put it on; and stood waiting
for him to speak。  Then; as he did not; she held out something
white。  It was the card for the dance。

〃You said you were coming?〃

And he nodded。  Her eyes and lips smiled at him; she opened the
door; and; still with that slow; happy smile; went out。 。 。 。

Yes; he would be coming; wherever she was; whenever she wanted
him! 。 。 。

His blood on fire; heedless of everything but to rush after
happiness; Lennan spent those hours before the dance。  He had told
Sylvia that he would be dining at his Cluba set of rooms owned by
a small coterie of artists in Chelsea。  He had taken this
precaution; feeling that he could not sit through dinner opposite
her and then go out to that danceand Nell!  He had spoken of a
guest at the Club; to account for evening dressanother lie; but
what did it matter?  He was lying all the time; if not in words; in
actionmust lie; indeed; to save her suffering!

He stopped at the Frenchwoman's flower shop。

〃Que desirez…vous; monsieur?  Des oeillets rougesj'en ai de bien
beaux; ce soir。〃

Des oeillets rouges?  Yes; those to…night!  To this address。  No
green with them; no card!

How strange the feelingwith the die once cast for loveof
rushing; of watching his own self being left behind!

In the Brompton Road; outside a little restaurant; a thin musician
was playing on a violin。  Ah! and he knew this place; he would go
in there; not to the Cluband the fiddler should have all he had
to spare; for playing those tunes of love。  He turned in。  He had
not been there since the day before that night on the river; twenty
years ago。  Never since; and yet it was not changed。  The same
tarnished gilt; and smell of cooking; the same macaroni in the same
tomato sauce; the same Chianti flasks; the same staring; light…blue
walls wreathed with pink flowers。  Only the waiter different
hollow…cheeked; patient; dark of eye。  He; too; should be well
tipped!  And that poor; over…hatted lady; eating her frugal meal
to her; at all events; a look of kindness。  For all desperate
creatures he must feel; this desperate night!  And suddenly he
thought of Oliver。  Another desperate one!  What should he say to
Oliver at this dancehe; aged forty…seven; coming there without
his wife!  Some imbecility; such as: 'Watching the human form
divine in motion;' 'Catching sidelights on Nell for the statuette'
some cant; it did not matter!  The wine was drawn; and he must
drink!

It was still early when he left the restauranta dry night; very
calm; not cold。  When had he danced last?  With Olive Cramier;
before he knew he loved her。  Well; THAT memory could not be
broken; for he would not dance to…night!  Just watch; sit with the
girl a few minutes; feel her hand cling to his; see her eyes turned
back to him; andcome away!  And thenthe future!  For the wine
was drawn!  The leaf of a plane…tree; fluttering down; caught on
his sleeve。  Autumn would soon be gone; and after Autumnonly
Winter!  She would have done with him long before he came to
Winter。  Nature would see to it that Youth called for her; and
carried her away。  Nature in her courses!  But just to cheat Nature
for a little while!  To cheat Naturewhat greater happiness!

Here was the place with red…striped awning; carriages driving away;
loiterers watching。  He turned in with a beating heart。  Was he
before her?  How would she come to this first dance?  With Oliver
alone?  Or had some chaperon been found?  To have come because she
this child so lovely; born 'outside'might have need of
chaperonage; would have been some comfort to dignity; so wistful;
so lost as his。  But; alas! he knew he was only there because he
could not keep away!

Already they were dancing in the hall upstairs; but not she; yet;
and he stood leaning against the wall where she must pass。  Lonely
and out of place he felt; as if everyone must know why he was
there。  People stared; and he heard a girl ask: 〃Who's that against
the wall with the hair and dark moustache?〃and her partner
murmuring his answer; and her voice again: 〃Yes; he looks as if he
were seeing sand and lions。〃  For whom; then; did they take him?
Thank heaven!  They were all the usual sort。  There would be no one
that he knew。  Suppose Johnny Dromore himself came with Nell!  He
was to be back on Saturday!  What could he say; then?  How meet
those doubting; knowing eyes; goggling with the fixed philosophy
that a man has but one use for woman?  God! and it would be true!
For a moment he was on the point of getting his coat and hat; and
sneaking away。  That would mean not seeing her till Monday; and he
stood his ground。  But after to…night there must be no more such
riskstheir meetings must be wisely planned; must sink
underground。  And then he saw her at the foot of the stairs in a
dress of a shell…pink colour; with one of his flowers in her light…
brown hair and the others tied to the handle of a tiny fan。  How
self…possessed she looked; as if this were indeed her native
elementher neck and arms bare; her cheeks a deep soft pink; her
eyes quickly turning here and there。  She began mounting the
stairs; and saw him。  Was ever anything so lovely as she looked
just then?  Behind her he marked Oliver; and a tall girl with red
hair; and another young man。  He moved deliberately to the top of
the stairs on the wall side; so that from behind they should not
see her face when she greeted him。  She put the little fan with the
flowers to her lips; and; holding out her hand; said; quick and low:

〃The fourth; it's a polka; we'll sit out; won't we?〃

Then swaying a little; so that her hair and the flower in it almost
touched his face; she passed; and there in her stead stood Oliver。

Lennan had expected one of his old insolent looks; but the young
man's face was eager and quite friendly。

〃It was awfully good of you to come; Mr。 Lennan。  Is Mrs。 Lennan〃

And Lennan murmured:

〃She wasn't able; she's not quite〃 and could have sunk into the
shining floor。  Youth with its touching confidence; its eager

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