three men on the bummel(三个闲逛的人)-第17节
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buried four children； was； I considered； a reliable authority on all domestic
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matters； 〃Hints on Furnishing and Household Decorationswith Designs〃
a column of 〃Literary Counsel to Beginners〃I sincerely hope my
guidance was of better service to them than it has ever proved to myself；
and our weekly article； 〃Straight Talks to Young Men；〃 signed 〃Uncle
Henry。〃 A kindly； genial old fellow was 〃Uncle Henry；〃 with wide and
varied experience； and a sympathetic attitude towards the rising generation。
He had been through trouble himself in his far back youth； and knew most
things。 Even to this day I read of 〃Uncle Henry's〃 advice； and； though I
say it who should not； it still seems to me good； sound advice。 I often
think that had I followed 〃Uncle Henry's〃 counsel closer I would have
been wiser； made fewer mistakes； felt better satisfied with myself than is
now the case。
A quiet； weary little woman； who lived in a bed…sitting room off the
Tottenham Court Road； and who had a husband in a lunatic asylum； did
our 〃Cooking Column；〃 〃Hints on Education〃we were full of hints；and
a page and a half of 〃Fashionable Intelligence；〃 written in the pertly
personal style which even yet has not altogether disappeared； so I am
informed； from modern journalism： 〃I must tell you about the DIVINE
frock I wore at 'Glorious Goodwood' last week。 Prince C。but there； I
really must not repeat all the things the silly fellow says； he is TOO
foolish… …and the DEAR Countess； I fancy； was just the WEEISH bit
jealous〃 and so on。
Poor little woman！ I see her now in the shabby grey alpaca； with the
inkstains on it。 Perhaps a day at 〃Glorious Goodwood；〃 or anywhere else
in the fresh air； might have put some colour into her cheeks。
Our proprietorone of the most unashamedly ignorant men I ever met…
…I remember his gravely informing a correspondent once that Ben Jonson
had written Rabelais to pay for his mother's funeral； and only laughing
good…naturedly when his mistakes were pointed out to himwrote with the
aid of a cheap encyclopedia the pages devoted to 〃General Information；〃
and did them on the whole remarkably well； while our office boy； with an
excellent pair of scissors for his assistant； was responsible for our supply
of 〃Wit and Humour。〃
It was hard work； and the pay was poor； what sustained us was the
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consciousness that we were instructing and improving our fellow men and
women。 Of all games in the world； the one most universally and
eternally popular is the game of school。 You collect six children； and put
them on a doorstep； while you walk up and down with the book and cane。
We play it when babies； we play it when boys and girls； we play it when
men and women； we play it as； lean and slippered； we totter towards the
grave。 It never palls upon； it never wearies us。 Only one thing mars it：
the tendency of one and all of the other six children to clamour for their
turn with the book and the cane。 The reason； I am sure； that journalism is
so popular a calling； in spite of its many drawbacks； is this： each
journalist feels he is the boy walking up and down with the cane。 The
Government； the Classes； and the Masses； Society； Art； and Literature； are
the other children sitting on the doorstep。 He instructs and improves
them。
But I digress。 It was to excuse my present permanent disinclination
to be the vehicle of useful information that I recalled these matters。 Let
us now return。
Somebody； signing himself 〃Balloonist；〃 had written to ask concerning
the manufacture of hydrogen gas。 It is an easy thing to manufactureat
least； so I gathered after reading up the subject at the British Museum； yet
I did warn 〃Balloonist；〃 whoever he might be； to take all necessary
precaution against accident。 What more could I have done？ Ten days
afterwards a florid…faced lady called at the office； leading by the hand
what； she explained； was her son； aged twelve。 The boy's face was
unimpressive to a degree positively remarkable。 His mother pushed him
forward and took off his hat； and then I perceived the reason for this。 He
had no eyebrows whatever； and of his hair nothing remained but a scrubby
dust； giving to his head the appearance of a hard…boiled egg； skinned and
sprinkled with black pepper。
〃That was a handsome lad this time last week； with naturally curly
hair；〃 remarked the lady。 She spoke with a rising inflection； suggestive
of the beginning of things。
〃What has happened to him？〃 asked our chief。
〃This is what's happened to him；〃 retorted the lady。 She drew from
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her muff a copy of our last week's issue； with my article on hydrogen gas
scored in pencil； and flung it before his eyes。 Our chief took it and read
it through。
〃He was 'Balloonist'？〃 queried the chief。
〃He was 'Balloonist；'〃 admitted the lady； 〃the poor innocent child； and
now look at him！〃
〃Maybe it'll grow again；〃 suggested our chief。
〃Maybe it will；〃 retorted the lady； her key continuing to rise； 〃and
maybe it won't。 What I want to know is what you are going to do for
him。〃
Our chief suggested a hair wash。 I thought at first she was going to
fly at him； but for the moment she confined herself to words。 It appears
she was not thinking of a hair wash； but of compensation。 She also made
observations on the general character of our paper； its utility； its claim to
public support； the sense and wisdom of its contributors。
〃I really don't see that it is our fault；〃 urged the chiefhe was a mild…
mannered man； 〃he asked for information； and he got it。〃 〃Don't you try
to be funny about it；〃 said the lady （he had not meant to be funny； I am
sure； levity was not his failing） 〃or you'll get something that YOU haven't
asked for。 Why； for two pins；〃 said the lady； with a suddenness that sent
us both flying like scuttled chickens behind our respective chairs； 〃I'd
come round and make your head like it！〃 I take it； she meant like the
boy's。 She also added observations upon our chief's personal appearance；
that were distinctly in bad taste。 She was not a nice woman by any
means。
Myself； I am of opinion that had she brought the action she threatened；
she would have had no case； but our chief was a man who had had
experience of the law； and his principle was always to avoid it。 I have
heard him say：
〃If a man stopped me in the street and demanded of me my watch； I
should refuse to give it to him。 If he threatened to take it by force； I feel I
should； though not a fighting man； do my best to protect it。 If； on the
other hand； he should assert his intention of trying to obtain it by means of
an action in any court of law； I should take it out of my pocket and hand it
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to him； and think I had got off cheaply。〃
He squared the matter with the florid…faced lady for a five…pound note；
which must have represented a month's profits on the paper； and she
departed； taking her damaged offspring with her。 After she was gone； our
chief spoke kindly to me。 He said：
〃Don't think I am blaming you in the least； it is not your fault； it is Fate。
Keep to moral advice and criticismthere you are distinctly good； but
don't try your hand any more on 'Useful Information。' As I have said； it
is not your fault。 Your information is correct enoughthere is nothing to
be said against that； it simply is that you are not lucky with it。〃
I would that I had followed
