the hand of ethelberta-第61节

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of　view　she　had　determined　to　change。

There　lay　open　to　her　two　directions　in　which　to　move。　　She　might
annex　herself　to　the　easy…going　high　by　wedding　an　old　nobleman；　or
she　might　join　for　good　and　all　the　easy…going　low；　by　plunging　back
to　the　level　of　her　family；　giving　up　all　her　ambitions　for　them；
settling　as　the　wife　of　a　provincial　music…master　named　Julian；　with
a　little　shop　of　fiddles　and　flutes；　a　couple　of　old　pianos；　a　few
sheets　of　stale　music　pinned　to　a　string；　and　a　narrow　back　parlour；
wherein　she　would　wait　for　the　phenomenon　of　a　customer。　　And　each
of　these　divergent　grooves　had　its　fascinations；　till　she　reflected
with　regard　to　the　first　that；　even　though　she　were　a　legal　and
indisputable　Lady　Mountclere；　she　might　be　despised　by　my　lord's
circle；　and　left　lone　and　lorn。　　The　intermediate　path　of　accepting
Neigh　or　Ladywell　had　no　more　attractions　for　her　taste　than　the
fact　of　disappointing　them　had　qualms　for　her　conscience；　and　how
few　these　were　may　be　inferred　from　her　opinion；　true　or　false；　that
two　words　about　the　spigot　on　her　escutcheon　would　sweep　her　lovers'
affections　to　the　antipodes。　　She　had　now　and　then　imagined　that　her
previous　intermarriage　with　the　Petherwin　family　might　efface　much
besides　her　surname；　but　experience　proved　that　the　having　been　wife
for　a　few　weeks　to　a　minor　who　died　in　his　father's　lifetime；　did
not　weave　such　a　tissue　of　glory　about　her　course　as　would　resist　a
speedy　undoing　by　startling　confessions　on　her　station　before　her
marriage；　and　her　environments　now。



36。　THE　HOUSE　IN　TOWN

Returning　by　way　of　Knollsea；　where　she　remained　a　week　or　two；
Ethelberta　appeared　one　evening　at　the　end　of　September　before　her
house　in　Exonbury　Crescent；　accompanied　by　a　pair　of　cabs　with　the
children　and　luggage；　but　Picotee　was　left　at　Knollsea；　for　reasons
which　Ethelberta　explained　when　the　family　assembled　in　conclave。
Her　father　was　there；　and　began　telling　her　of　a　surprising　change
in　Menlovean　unasked…for　concession　to　their　cause；　and　a　vow　of
secrecy　which　he　could　not　account　for；　unless　any　friend　of
Ethelberta's　had　bribed　her。

'O　nothat　cannot　be；'　said　she。　　Any　influence　of　Lord　Mountclere
to　that　effect　was　the　last　thing　that　could　enter　her　thoughts。
'However；　what　Menlove　does　makes　little　difference　to　me　now。'　　And
she　proceeded　to　state　that　she　had　almost　come　to　a　decision　which
would　entirely　alter　their　way　of　living。

'I　hope　it　will　not　be　of　the　sort　your　last　decision　was；'　said　her
mother。

'No；　quite　the　reverse。　　I　shall　not　live　here　in　state　any　longer。
We　will　let　the　house　throughout　as　lodgings；　while　it　is　ours；　and
you　and　the　girls　must　manage　it。　　I　will　retire　from　the　scene
altogether；　and　stay　for　the　winter　at　Knollsea　with　Picotee。　　I
want　to　consider　my　plans　for　next　year；　and　I　would　rather　be　away
from　town。　　Picotee　is　left　there；　and　I　return　in　two　days　with　the
books　and　papers　I　require。'

'What　are　your　plans　to　be？'

'I　am　going　to　be　a　schoolmistressI　think　I　am。'

'A　schoolmistress？'

'Yes。　　And　Picotee　returns　to　the　same　occupation；　which　she　ought
never　to　have　forsaken。　　We　are　going　to　study　arithmetic　and
geography　until　Christmas；　then　I　shall　send　her　adrift　to　finish
her　term　as　pupil…teacher；　while　I　go　into　a　training…school。　　By
the　time　I　have　to　give　up　this　house　I　shall　just　have　got　a　little
country　school。'

'But；'　said　her　mother；　aghast；　'why　not　write　more　poems　and　sell
'em？'

'Why　not　be　a　governess　as　you　were？'　said　her　father。

'Why　not　go　on　with　your　tales　at　Mayfair　Hall？'　said　Gwendoline。

'I'll　answer　as　well　as　I　can。　　I　have　decided　to　give　up　romancing
because　I　cannot　think　of　any　more　that　pleases　me。　　I　have　been
trying　at　Knollsea　for　a　fortnight；　and　it　is　no　use。　　I　will　never
be　a　governess　again：　　I　would　rather　be　a　servant。　　If　I　am　a
schoolmistress　I　shall　be　entirely　free　from　all　contact　with　the
great；　which　is　what　I　desire；　for　I　hate　them；　and　am　getting
almost　as　revolutionary　as　Sol。　　Father；　I　cannot　endure　this　kind
of　existence　any　longer；　I　sleep　at　night　as　if　I　had　committed　a
murder：　　I　start　up　and　see　processions　of　people；　audiences；
battalions　of　lovers　obtained　under　false　pretencesall　denouncing
me　with　the　finger　of　ridicule。　　Mother's　suggestion　about　my
marrying　I　followed　out　as　far　as　dogged　resolution　would　carry　me；
but　during　my　journey　here　I　have　broken　down；　for　I　don't　want　to
marry　a　second　time　among　people　who　would　regard　me　as　an　upstart
or　intruder。　　I　am　sick　of　ambition。　　My　only　longing　now　is　to　fly
from　society　altogether；　and　go　to　any　hovel　on　earth　where　I　could
be　at　peace。'

'Whathas　anybody　been　insulting　you？'　said　Mrs。　Chickerel。

'Yes；　or　rather　I　sometimes　think　he　may　have：　　that　is；　if　a
proposal　of　marriage　is　only　removed　from　being　a　proposal　of　a　very
different　kind　by　an　accident。'

'A　proposal　of　marriage　can　never　be　an　insult；'　her　mother
returned。

'I　think　otherwise；'　said　Ethelberta。

'So　do　I；'　said　her　father。

'Unless　the　man　was　beneath　you；　and　I　don't　suppose　he　was　that；'
added　Mrs。　Chickerel。

'You　are　quite　right；　he　was　not　that。　　But　we　will　not　talk　of　this
branch　of　the　subject。　　By　far　the　most　serious　concern　with　me　is
that　I　ought　to　do　some　good　by　marriage；　or　by　heroic　performance
of　some　kind；　while　going　back　to　give　the　rudiments　of　education　to
remote　hamleteers　will　do　none　of　you　any　good　whatever。'

'Never　you　mind　us；'　said　her　father；　'mind　yourself。'

'I　shall　hardly　be　minding　myself　either；　in　your　opinion；　by　doing
that；'　said　Ethelberta　dryly。　'But　it　will　be　more　tolerable　than
what　I　am　doing　now。　　Georgina；　and　Myrtle；　and　Emmeline；　and　Joey
will　not　get　the　education　I　intended　for　them；　but　that　must　go；　I
suppose。'

'How　full　of　vagaries　you　are；'　said　her　mother。　　'Why　won't　it　do
to　continue　as　you　are？　　No　sooner　have　I　learnt　up　your　schemes；
and　got　enough　used　to　'em　to　see　something　in　'em；　than　you　must
needs　bewilder　me　again　by　starting　some　fresh　one；　so　that　my　mind
gets　no　rest　at　all。'

Ethelberta　too　keenly　felt　the　justice　of　this　remark；　querulous　as
it　was；　to　care　to　defend　herself。　　It　was　hopeless　to　attempt　to
explain　to　her　mother　that　the　oscillations　of　her　mind　might　arise
as　naturally　from　the　perfection　of　its　balance；　like　those　of　a
logan…stone；　as　from　inherent　lightness；　and　such　an　explanation；
however　comforting　to　its　subject；　was　little　better　than　none　to
simple　hearts　who　only　could　look　to　tangible　outcrops。

'Really；　Ethelberta；'　remonstrated　her　mother；　'this　is　very　odd。
Making　yourself　miserable　in　trying　to　get　a　position　on　our　account
is　one　thing；　and　not　necessary；　but　I　think　it　ridiculous　to　rush
into　the　other　extreme；　and　go　wilfully　down　in　the　scale。　　You　may
just　as　well　exercise　your　wits　in　trying　to　swim　as　in　trying　to
sink。'

'Yes；　that's　what　I　think；'　said　her　father。　'But　of　course　Berta
knows　best。'

'I　think　so　too；'　said　Gwendoline。

'And　so　do　I；'　said　Cornelia。　'If　I　had　once　moved　about　in　large
circles　like　Ethelberta；　I　wouldn't　go　down　and　be　a　schoolmistress…
…not　I。'

'I　own　it　is　foolishsuppose　it　is；'　said　Ethelberta　wearily；　and
with　a　readiness　of　misgiving　that　showed　how　recent　and　hasty　was
the　scheme。　　'Perhaps　you　are　right；　mother；　anything　rather　than
retreat。　　I　wonder　if　you　are　right！　　Well；　I　will　think　again　of　it
to…night。　　Do　not　let　us　speak　more　about　it　now。'

She　did　think　of　it　that　night；　very　long　and　painfully。　　The
arguments　of　her　relatives　seemed　ponderous　as　opposed　to　her　own
inconsequent　longing　for　escape　from　galling　trammels。　　If　she　had
stood　alone；　the　sentiment　that　she　had　begun　to　build　but　was　not
able　to　finish；　by　whomsoever　it　might　have　been　entertained；　would
have　had　few　terrors；　but　that　the　opinion　should　be　held　by　her
nearest　of　kin；　to　cause　them　pain　for　life；　was　a　grievous　thing。
The　more　she　thought　of　it；　the　less　easy　seemed　the　justification
of　her　desire　for　obscurity。　　From　regarding　it　as　a　high　instinct
she　passed　into　a　humour　that　gave　that　desire　the　appearance　of　a
whim。　　But　could　she　really　set　in　train　events；　which；　if　not
abortive；　would　take　her　to　the　altar　with　Viscount　Mountclere？

In　one　determination　she　never　faltered；　to　commit　her　sin
thoroughly　if　she　committed　it　at　all。　　Her　relatives　believed　her
choice　to　lie　between　Neigh　and　Ladywell　alone。　　But　once　having
decided　to　pass　over　Christopher；　whom　she　had　loved；　there　could　be
no　pausing　for　Ladywell　because　she　liked　him；　or　for　Neigh　in　that
she　was　influenced　by　him。　　They　were　both　too　near　her　level　to　be
trusted　to　bear　the　shock　of　receiving　her　from　her　father's　hands。
But　it　was　possible　that　though　her　genesis　might　tinge　with
vulgarity　a　commoner's　household；　susceptible　of　such　depreciation；
it　might　show　as　a　picturesque　contrast　in　the　family　circle　of　a
peer。　　Hence　it　was　just　as　well　to　go　to　the　end　of　her　logic；
where　reasons　for　tergiversation　would　be　most　pronounced。　　This
thought　of　the　viscount；　however；　was　a　secret　for　her　own　breast
alone。

Nearly　the　w