the hand of ethelberta-第26节

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is　my　cook；　and　Cornelia　is　my　housemaid。　　I　suffer　much　sadness；
and　almost　misery　sometimes；　in　reflecting　that　here　are　we；　ten
brothers　and　sisters；　born　of　one　father　and　mother；　who　might　have
mixed　together　and　shared　all　in　the　same　scenes；　and　been　properly
happy；　if　it　were　not　for　the　strange　accidents　that　have　split　us
up　into　sections　as　you　see；　cutting　me　off　from　them　without　the
compensation　of　joining　me　to　any　others。　　They　are　all　true　as
steel　in　keeping　the　secret　of　our　kin；　certainly；　but　that　brings
little　joy；　though　some　satisfaction　perhaps。'

'You　might　be　less　despondent；　I　think。　　The　tale…telling　has　been
one　of　the　successes　of　the　season。'

'Yes；　I　might；　but　I　may　observe　that　you　scarcely　set　the　example
of　blitheness。'

'Ahthat's　not　because　I　don't　recognize　the　pleasure　of　being
here。　　It　is　from　a　more　general　cause：　　simply　an　underfeeling　I
have　that　at　the　most　propitious　moment　the　distance　to　the
possibility　of　sorrow　is　so　short　that　a　man's　spirits　must　not　rise
higher　than　mere　cheerfulness　out　of　bare　respect　to　his　insight。

　　　　　　　　　　〃As　long　as　skies　are　blue；　and　fields　are　green；
　　　　　　　　　　　Evening　must　usher　night；　night　urge　the　morrow；
　　　　　Month　follow　month　with　woe；　and　year　wake　year　to　sorrow。〃'

Ethelberta　bowed　uncertainly；　the　remark　might　refer　to　her　past
conduct　or　it　might　not。　　'My　great　cause　of　uneasiness　is　the
children；'　she　presently　said；　as　a　new　page　of　matter。　　'It　is　my
duty；　at　all　risk　and　all　sacrifice　of　sentiment；　to　educate　and
provide　for　them。　　The　grown…up　ones；　older　than　myself；　I　cannot
help　much；　but　the　little　ones　I　can。　　I　keep　my　two　French　lodgers
for　the　sake　of　them。'

'The　lodgers；　of　course；　don't　know　the　relationship　between
yourself　and　the　rest　of　the　people　in　the　house？'

'O　no！nor　will　they　ever。　　My　mother　is　supposed　to　let　the　ground
and　first　floors　to　mea　strange　ladyas　she　does　the　second　and
third　floors　to　them。　　Still；　I　may　be　discovered。'

'Wellif　you　are？'

'Let　me　be。　　Life　is　a　battle；　they　say；　but　it　is　only　so　in　the
sense　that　a　game　of　chess　is　a　battlethere　is　no　seriousness　in
it；　it　may　be　put　an　end　to　at　any　inconvenient　moment　by　owning
yourself　beaten；　with　a　careless　〃Ha…ha！〃　and　sweeping　your　pieces
into　the　box。　　Experimentally；　I　care　to　succeed　in　society；　but　at
the　bottom　of　my　heart；　I　don't　care。'

'For　that　very　reason　you　are　likely　to　do　it。　　My　idea　is；　make
ambition　your　business　and　indifference　your　relaxation；　and　you
will　fail；　but　make　indifference　your　business　and　ambition　your
relaxation；　and　you　will　succeed。　　So　impish　are　the　ways　of　the
gods。'

'I　hope　that　you　at　any　rate　will　succeed；'　she　said；　at　the　end　of
a　silence。

'I　never　canif　success　means　getting　what　one　wants。'

'Why　should　you　not　get　that？'

'It　has　been　forbidden　to　me。'

Her　complexion　changed　just　enough　to　show　that　she　knew　what　he
meant。　　'If　you　were　as　bold　as　you　are　subtle；　you　would　take　a
more　cheerful　view　of　the　matter；'　she　said；　with　a　look　signifying
innermost　things。

'I　will　instantly！　　Shall　I　test　the　truth　of　my　cheerful　view　by　a
word　of　question？'

'I　deny　that　you　are　capable　of　taking　that　view；　and　until　you
prove　that　you　are；　no　question　is　allowed；'　she　said；　laughing；　and
still　warmer　in　the　face　and　neck。　　'Nothing　but　melancholy；　gentle
melancholy；　now　as　in　old　times　when　there　was　nothing　to　cause　it。'

'Ahyou　only　tease。'

'You　will　not　throw　aside　that　bitter　medicine　of　distrust；　for　the
world。　　You　have　grown　so　used　to　it；　that　you　take　it　as　food；　as
some　invalids　do　their　mixtures。'

'Ethelberta；　you　have　my　heartmy　whole　heart。　　You　have　had　it
ever　since　I　first　saw　you。　　Now　you　understand　me；　and　no
pretending　that　you　don't；　mind；　this　second　time。'

'I　understood　you　long　ago；　you　have　not　understood　me。'

'You　are　mysterious；'　he　said　lightly；　'and　perhaps　if　I　disentangle
your　mystery　I　shall　find　it　to　coverindifference。　　I　hope　it
doesfor　your　sake。'

'How　can　you　say　so！'　she　exclaimed　reproachfully。　　'Yet　I　wish　it
did　tooI　wish　it　did　cover　indifferencefor　yours。　　But　you　have
all　of　me　that　you　care　to　have；　and　may　keep　it　for　life　if　you
wish　to。　　Listen；　surely　there　was　a　knock　at　the　door？　　Let　us　go
inside　the　room：　　I　am　always　uneasy　when　anybody　comes；　lest　any
awkward　discovery　should　be　made　by　a　visitor　of　my　miserable
contrivances　for　keeping　up　the　establishment。'

Joey　met　them　before　they　had　left　the　landing。

'Please；　Berta；'　he　whispered；　'Mr。　Ladywell　has　called；　and　I've
showed　him　into　the　liberry。　　You　know；　Berta；　this　is　how　it　was；
you　know：　　I　thought　you　and　Mr。　Julian　were　in　the　drawing…room；
and　wouldn't　want　him　to　see　ye　together；　and　so　I　asked　him　to　step
into　the　liberry　a　minute。'

'You　must　improve　your　way　of　speaking；'　she　said；　with　quick
embarrassment；　whether　at　the　mention　of　Ladywell's　name　before
Julian；　or　at　the　way　Joey　coupled　herself　with　Christopher；　was
quite　uncertain。　　'Will　you　excuse　me　for　a　few　moments？'　she　said；
turning　to　Christopher。　　'Pray　sit　down；　I　shall　not　be　long。'　　And
she　glided　downstairs。

They　had　been　standing　just　by　the　drawing…room　door；　and
Christopher　turned　back　into　the　room　with　no　very　satisfactory
countenance。　　It　was　very　odd；　he　thought；　that　she　should　go　down
to　Ladywell　in　that　mysterious　manner；　when　he　might　have　been
admitted　to　where　they　were　talking　without　any　trouble　at　all。
What　could　Ladywell　have　to　say；　as　an　acquaintance　calling　upon　her
for　a　few　minutes；　that　he　was　not　to　hear？　　Indeed；　if　it　came　to
that；　what　right　had　Ladywell　to　call　upon　her　at　all；　even　though
she　were　a　widow；　and　to　some　extent　chartered　to　live　in　a　way
which　might　be　considered　a　trifle　free　if　indulged　in　by　other
young　women。　　This　was　the　first　time　that　he　himself　had　ventured
into　her　house　on　that　very　accounta　doubt　whether　it　was　quite
proper　to　call；　considering　her　youth；　and　the　fertility　of　her
position　as　ground　for　scandal。　　But　no　sooner　did　he　arrive　than
here　was　Ladywell　blundering　in；　and；　since　this　conjunction　had
occurred　on　his　first　visit；　the　chances　were　that　Ladywell　came
very　often。

Julian　walked　up　and　down　the　room；　every　moment　expanding　itself　to
a　minute　in　his　impatience　at　the　delay　and　vexation　at　the　cause。
After　scrutinizing　for　the　fifth　time　every　object　on　the　walls　as
if　afflicted　with　microscopic　closeness　of　sight；　his　hands　under
his　coat…tails；　and　his　person　jigging　up　and　down　upon　his　toes；　he
heard　her　coming　up　the　stairs。　　When　she　entered　the　apartment　her
appearance　was　decidedly　that　of　a　person　subsiding　after　some
little　excitement。

'I　did　not　calculate　upon　being　so　long；'　she　said　sweetly；　at　the
same　time　throwing　back　her　face　and　smiling。　　'But　Iwas　longer
than　I　expected。'

'It　seemed　rather　long；'　said　Christopher　gloomily；　'but　I　don't
mind　it。'

'I　am　glad　of　that；'　said　Ethelberta。

'As　you　asked　me　to　stay；　I　was　very　pleased　to　do　so；　and　always
should　be；　but　I　think　that　now　I　will　wish　you　good…bye。'

'You　are　not　vexed　with　me？'　she　said；　looking　quite　into　his　face。
'Mr。　Ladywell　is　nobody；　you　know。'

'Nobody？'

'Well；　he　is　not　much；　I　mean。　　The　case　is；　that　I　am　sitting　to
him　for　a　subject　in　which　my　face　is　to　be　usedotherwise　than　as
a　portraitand　he　called　about　it。'

'May　I　say；'　said　Christopher；　'that　if　you　want　yourself　painted；
you　are　ill…advised　not　to　let　it　be　done　by　a　man　who　knows　how　to
use　the　brush　a　little？'

'O；　he　can　paint！'　said　Ethelberta；　rather　warmly。　　'His　last
picture　was　excellent；　I　think。　　It　was　greatly　talked　about。'

'I　imagined　you　to　say　that　he　was　a　mere　nobody！'

'Yes；　buthow　provoking　you　are！nobody；　I　mean；　to　talk　to。　　He
is　a　true　artist；　nevertheless。'

Christopher　made　no　reply。　　The　warm　understanding　between　them　had
quite　ended　now；　and　there　was　no　fanning　it　up　again。　　Sudden　tiffs
had　been　the　constant　misfortune　of　their　courtship　in　days　gone　by；
had　been　the　remote　cause　of　her　marriage　to　another；　and　the
familiar　shadows　seemed　to　be　rising　again　to　cloud　them　with　the
same　persistency　as　ever。　　Christopher　went　downstairs　with　well…
behaved　moodiness；　and　left　the　house　forthwith。　　The　postman　came
to　the　door　at　the　same　time。

Ethelberta　opened　a　letter　from　Picoteenow　at　Sandbourne　again；
and；　stooping　to　the　fire…light；　she　began　to　read：

'MY　DEAR　ETHELBERTA；I　have　tried　to　like　staying　at　Sandbourne
because　you　wished　it；　but　I　can't　endure　the　town　at　all；　dear
Berta；　everything　is　so　wretched　and　dull！　　O；　I　only　wish　you　knew
how　dismal　it　is　here；　and　how　much　I　would　give　to　come　to　London！
I　cannot　help　thinking　that　I　could　do　better　in　town。　　You　see；　I
should　be　close　to　you；　and　should　have　the　benefit　of　your
experience。　　I　would　not　mind　what　I　did　for　a　living　could　I　be
there　where　you　all　are。　　It　is　so　like　banishment　to　be　here。　　If　I
could　not　get　a　pupil…teachership　in　some　London　school　（and　I
believe　I　could　by　advertising）　I　could　stay　with　you；　and　be
governess　to　Georgina　and　Myrtle；　for　I　am　sure　you　cannot　spar