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feeling　of　his　own　degradation　possibly　have　a　spark　of　respect

for　himself？　　I　am　not　saying　this　now　from　any　mawkish　kind　of

remorse。　　And；　indeed；　I　could　never　endure　saying；　〃Forgive　me；

Papa；　I　won't　do　it　again；〃　not　because　I　am　incapable　of　saying

thaton　the　contrary；　perhaps　just　because　I　have　been　too

capable　of　it；　and　in　what　a　way；　too。　　As　though　of　design　I

used　to　get　into　trouble　in　cases　when　I　was　not　to　blame　in　any

way。　　That　was　the　nastiest　part　of　it。　　At　the　same　time　I　was

genuinely　touched　and　penitent；　I　used　to　shed　tears　and；　of

course；　deceived　myself；　though　I　was　not　acting　in　the　least　and

there　was　a　sick　feeling　in　my　heart　at　the　time。。。。　For　that　one

could　not　blame　even　the　laws　of　nature；　though　the　laws　of

nature　have　continually　all　my　life　offended　me　more　than

anything。　　It　is　loathsome　to　remember　it　all；　but　it　was

loathsome　even　then。　　Of　course；　a　minute　or　so　later　I　would

realise　wrathfully　that　it　was　all　a　lie；　a　revolting　lie；　an

affected　lie；　that　is；　all　this　penitence；　this　emotion；　these

vows　of　reform。　　You　will　ask　why　did　I　worry　myself　with　such

antics：　answer；　because　it　was　very　dull　to　sit　with　one's　hands

folded；　and　so　one　began　cutting　capers。　　That　is　really　it。　

Observe　yourselves　more　carefully；　gentlemen；　then　you　will

understand　that　it　is　so。　I　invented　adventures　for　myself　and

made　up　a　life；　so　as　at　least　to　live　in　some　way。　　How　many

times　it　has　happened　to　mewell；　for　instance；　to　take　offence

simply　on　purpose；　for　nothing；　and　one　knows　oneself；　of　course；

that　one　is　offended　at　nothing；　that　one　is　putting　it　on；　but

yet　one　brings　oneself　at　last　to　the　point　of　being　really

offended。　　All　my　life　I　have　had　an　impulse　to　play　such　pranks；

so　that　in　the　end　I　could　not　control　it　in　myself。　　Another

time；　twice；　in　fact；　I　tried　hard　to　be　in　love。　　I　suffered；

too；　gentlemen；　I　assure　you。　　In　the　depth　of　my　heart　there　was

no　faith　in　my　suffering；　only　a　faint　stir　of　mockery；　but　yet　I

did　suffer；　and　in　the　real；　orthodox　way；　I　was　jealous；　beside

myself　。。。　　and　it　was　all　from　ennui；　gentlemen；　all　from　ennui；

inertia　overcame　　me。　You　know　the　direct；　legitimate　fruit　of

consciousness　is　inertia；　that　is；　conscious

sitting…with…the…hands…folded。　　I　have　referred　to　this　already。　

I　repeat；　I　repeat　with　emphasis：　all　〃direct〃　persons　and　men　of

action　are　active　just　because　they　are　stupid　and　limited。　　How

explain　that？　　I　will　tell　you：　in　consequence　of　their

limitation　they　take　immediate　and　secondary　causes　for　primary

ones；　and　in　that　way　persuade　themselves　more　quickly　and　easily

than　other　people　do　that　they　have　found　an　infallible

foundation　for　their　activity；　and　their　minds　are　at　ease　and

you　know　that　is　the　chief　thing。　　To　begin　to　act；　you　know；　you

must　first　have　your　mind　completely　at　ease　and　no　trace　of

doubt　left　in　it。　　Why；　how　am　I；　for　example　to　set　my　mind　at

rest？　　Where　are　the　primary　causes　on　which　I　am　to　build？　

Where　are　my　foundations？　　Where　am　I　to　get　them　from？　　I

exercise　myself　in　reflection；　and　consequently　with　me　every

primary　cause　at　once　draws　after　itself　another　still　more

primary；　and　so　on　to　infinity。　　That　is　just　the　essence　of

every　sort　of　consciousness　and　reflection。　　It　must　be　a　case　of

the　laws　of　nature　again。　　What　is　the　result　of　it　in　the　end？　

Why；　just　the　same。　　Remember　I　spoke　just　now　of　vengeance。　（I

am　sure　you　did　not　take　it　in。）　I　said　that　a　man　revenges

himself　because　he　sees　justice　in　it。　　Therefore　he　has　found　a

primary　cause；　that　is；　justice。　　And　so　he　is　at　rest　on　all

sides；　and　consequently　he　carries　out　his　revenge　calmly　and

successfully；　being　persuaded　that　he　is　doing　a　just　and　honest

thing。　　But　I　see　no　justice　in　it；　I　find　no　sort　of　virtue　in

it　either；　and　consequently　if　I　attempt　to　revenge　myself；　it　is

only　out　of　spite。　　Spite；　of　course；　might　overcome　everything；

all　my　doubts；　and　so　might　serve　quite　successfully　in　place　of

a　primary　cause；　precisely　because　it　is　not　a　cause。　　But　what

is　to　be　done　if　I　have　not　even　spite　（I　began　with　that　just

now；　you　know）。　　In　consequence　again　of　those　accursed　laws　of

consciousness；　anger　in　me　is　subject　to　chemical　disintegration。　

You　look　into　it；　the　object　flies　off　into　air；　your　reasons

evaporate；　the　criminal　is　not　to　be　found；　the　wrong　becomes　not

a　wrong　but　a　phantom；　something　like　the　toothache；　for　which　no

one　is　to　blame；　and　consequently　there　is　only　the　same　outlet

left　againthat　is；　to　beat　the　wall　as　hard　as　you　can。　　So　you

give　it　up　with　a　wave　of　the　hand　because　you　have　not　found　a

fundamental　cause。　　And　try　letting　yourself　be　carried　away　by

your　feelings；　blindly；　without　reflection；　without　a　primary

cause；　repelling　consciousness　at　least　for　a　time；　hate　or　love；

if　only　not　to　sit　with　your　hands　folded。　　The　day　after

tomorrow；　at　the　latest；　you　will　begin　despising　yourself　for

having　knowingly　deceived　yourself。　　Result：　a　soap…bubble　and

inertia。　　Oh；　gentlemen；　do　you　know；　perhaps　I　consider　myself

an　intelligent　man；　only　because　all　my　life　I　have　been　able

neither　to　begin　nor　to　finish　anything。　　Granted　I　am　a　babbler；

a　harmless　vexatious　babbler；　like　all　of　us。　　But　what　is　to　be

done　if　the　direct　and　sole　vocation　of　every　intelligent　man　is

babble；　that　is；　the　intentional　pouring　of　water　through　a

sieve？

　



VI



Oh；　if　I　had　done　nothing　simply　from　laziness！　　Heavens；　how　I

should　have　respected　myself；　then。　　I　should　have　respected

myself　because　I　should　at　least　have　been　capable　of　being　lazy；

there　would　at　least　have　been　one　quality；　as　it　were；　positive

in　me；　in　which　I　could　have　believed　myself。　　Question：　What　is

he？　　Answer：　A　sluggard；　how　very　pleasant　it　would　have　been　to

hear　that　of　oneself！　　It　would　mean　that　I　was　positively

defined；　it　would　mean　that　there　was　something　to　say　about　me。　

〃Sluggard〃why；　it　is　a　calling　and　vocation；　it　is　a　career。　

Do　not　jest；　it　is　so。　　I　should　then　be　a　member　of　the　best

club　by　right；　and　should　find　my　occupation　in　continually

respecting　myself。　　I　knew　a　gentleman　who　prided　himself　all　his

life　on　being　a　connoisseur　of　Lafitte。　　He　considered　this　as

his　positive　virtue；　and　never　doubted　himself。　　He　died；　not

simply　with　a　tranquil；　but　with　a　triumphant　conscience；　and　he

was　quite　right；　too。　　Then　I　should　have　chosen　a　career　for

myself；　I　should　have　been　a　sluggard　and　a　glutton；　not　a　simple

one；　but；　for　instance；　one　with　sympathies　for　everything

sublime　and　beautiful。　　How　do　you　like　that？　　I　have　long　had

visions　of　it。　　That　〃sublime　and　beautiful〃　weighs　heavily　on　my

mind　at　forty　But　that　is　at　forty；　thenoh；　then　it　would　have

been　different！　　I　should　have　found　for　myself　a　form　of

activity　in　keeping　with　it；　to　be　precise；　drinking　to　the

health　of　everything　〃sublime　and　beautiful。〃　I　should　have

snatched　at　every　opportunity　to　drop　a　tear　into　my　glass　and

then　to　drain　it　to　all　that　is　〃sublime　and　beautiful。〃　I　should

then　have　turned　everything　into　the　sublime　and　the　beautiful；

in　the　nastiest；　unquestionable　trash；　I　should　have　sought　out

the　sublime　and　the　beautiful。　　I　should　have　exuded　tears　like　a

wet　sponge。　　An　artist；　for　instance；　paints　a　picture　worthy　of

Gay。　　At　once　I　drink　to　the　health　of　the　artist　who　painted　the

picture　worthy　of　Gay；　because　I　love　all　that　is　〃sublime　and

beautiful。〃　　An　author　has　written　〃As　you　will〃；　at　once　I　drink

to　the　health　of　〃anyone　you　will〃　because　I　love　all　that　is

〃sublime　and　beautiful。〃　　I　should　claim　respect　for　doing　so。　　I

should　persecute　anyone　who　would　not　show　me　respect。　　I　should

live　at　ease；　I　should　die　with　dignity；　why；　it　is　charming；

perfectly　charming！　　And　what　a　good　round　belly　I　should　have

grown；　what　a　treble　chin　I　should　have　established；　what　a　ruby

nose　I　should　have　coloured　for　myself；　so　that　everyone　would

have　said；　looking　at　me：　〃Here　is　an　asset！　　Here　is　something

real　and　solid！〃　　And；　say　what　you　like；　it　is　very　agreeable　to

hear　such　remarks　about　oneself　in　this　negative　age。





VII



But　these　are　all　golden　dreams。　　Oh；　tell　me；　who　was　it　first

announced；　who　was　it　first　proclaimed；　that　man　only　does　nasty

things　because　he　does　not　know　his　own　interests；　and　that　if　he

were　enlightened；　if　his　eyes　were　opened　to　his　real　normal

interests；　man　would　at　once　cease　to　do　nasty　things；　would　at

once　become　good　and　noble　because；　being　enlightened　and

understanding　his　real　advantage；　he　would　see　his　own　advantage

in　the　good　and　nothing　else；　and　we　all　know　that　not　one　man

can；　consciously；　act　against　his　own　interests；　consequently；　so

to　say；　through　necessity；　he　would　begin　doing　good？　　Oh；　the

babe！　　Oh；　the　pure；　innocent　child！　　Why；　in　the　first　place；

when　in