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details；　and　every　time　will　add；　of　itself；　details　still　more

ignominious；　spitefully　teasing　and　tormenting　itself　with　its

own　imagination。　　It　will　itself　be　ashamed　of　its　imaginings；

but　yet　it　will　recall　it　all；　it　will　go　over　and　over　every

detail；　it　will　invent　unheard　of　things　against　itself；

pretending　that　those　things　might　happen；　and　will　forgive

nothing。　　Maybe　it　will　begin　to　revenge　itself；　too；　but；　as　it

were；　piecemeal；　in　trivial　ways；　from　behind　the　stove；

incognito；　without　believing　either　in　its　own　right　to

vengeance；　or　in　the　success　of　its　revenge；　knowing　that　from

all　its　efforts　at　revenge　it　will　suffer　a　hundred　times　more

than　he　on　whom　it　revenges　itself；　while　he；　I　daresay；　will　not

even　scratch　himself。　　On　its　deathbed　it　will　recall　it　all　over

again；　with　interest　accumulated　over　all　the　years　and　。。。　But

it　is　just　in　that　cold；　abominable　half　despair；　half　belief；　in

that　conscious　burying　oneself　alive　for　grief　in　the　underworld

for　forty　years；　in　that　acutely　recognised　and　yet　partly

doubtful　hopelessness　of　one's　position；　in　that　hell　of

unsatisfied　desires　turned　inward；　in　that　fever　of　oscillations；

of　resolutions　determined　for　ever　and　repented　of　again　a　minute

laterthat　the　savour　of　that　strange　enjoyment　of　which　I　have

spoken　lies。　　It　is　so　subtle；　so　difficult　of　analysis；　that

persons　who　are　a　little　limited；　or　even　simply　persons　of

strong　nerves；　will　not　understand　a　single　atom　of　it。　

〃Possibly；〃　you　will　add　on　your　own　account　with　a　grin；　〃people

will　not　understand　it　either　who　have　never　received　a　slap　in

the　face；〃　and　in　that　way　you　will　politely　hint　to　me　that　I；

too；　perhaps；　have　had　the　experience　of　a　slap　in　the　face　in　my

life；　and　so　I　speak　as　one　who　knows。　　I　bet　that　you　are

thinking　that。　　But　set　your　minds　at　rest；　gentlemen；　I　have　not

received　a　slap　in　the　face；　though　it　is　absolutely　a　matter　of

indifference　to　me　what　you　may　think　about　it。　　Possibly；　I　even

regret；　myself；　that　I　have　given　so　few　slaps　in　the　face　during

my　life。　　But　enough　。。。　not　another　word　on　that　subject　of　such

extreme　interest　to　you。



I　will　continue　calmly　concerning　persons　with　strong　nerves　who

do　not　understand　a　certain　refinement　of　enjoyment。　　Though　in

certain　circumstances　these　gentlemen　bellow　their　loudest　like

bulls；　though　this；　let　us　suppose；　does　them　the　greatest

credit；　yet；　as　I　have　said　already；　confronted　with　the

impossible　they　subside　at　once。　　The　impossible　means　the　stone

wall！　　What　stone　wall？　　Why；　of　course；　the　laws　of　nature；　the

deductions　of　natural　science；　mathematics。　　As　soon　as　they

prove　to　you；　for　instance；　that　you　are　descended　from　a　monkey；

then　it　is　no　use　scowling；　accept　it　for　a　fact。　　When　they

prove　to　you　that　in　reality　one　drop　of　your　own　fat　must　be

dearer　to　you　than　a　hundred　thousand　of　your　fellow…creatures；

and　that　this　conclusion　is　the　final　solution　of　all　so…called

virtues　and　duties　and　all　such　prejudices　and　fancies；　then　you

have　just　to　accept　it；　there　is　no　help　for　it；　for　twice　two　is

a　law　of　mathematics。　　Just　try　refuting　it。



〃Upon　my　word；〃　they　will　shout　at　you；　〃it　is　no　use　protesting：

it　is　a　case　of　twice　two　makes　four！　　Nature　does　not　ask　your

permission；　she　has　nothing　to　do　with　your　wishes；　and　whether

you　like　her　laws　or　dislike　them；　you　are　bound　to　accept　her　as

she　is；　and　consequently　all　her　conclusions。　　A　wall；　you　see；

is　a　wall　。。。　and　so　on；　and　so　on。〃　　Merciful　Heavens！　　but　what

do　I　care　for　the　laws　of　nature　and　arithmetic；　when；　for　some

reason　I　dislike　those　laws　and　the　fact　that　twice　two　makes

four？　　Of　course　I　cannot　break　through　the　wall　by　battering　my

head　against　it　if　I　really　have　not　the　strength　to　knock　it

down；　but　I　am　not　going　to　be　reconciled　to　it　simply　because　it

is　a　stone　wall　and　I　have　not　the　strength。



As　though　such　a　stone　wall　really　were　a　consolation；　and　really

did　contain　some　word　of　conciliation；　simply　because　it　is　as

true　as　twice　two　makes　four。　　Oh；　absurdity　of　absurdities！　　How

much　better　it　is　to　understand　it　all；　to　recognise　it　all；　all

the　impossibilities　and　the　stone　wall；　not　to　be　reconciled　to

one　of　those　impossibilities　and　stone　walls　if　it　disgusts　you

to　be　reconciled　to　it；　by　the　way　of　the　most　inevitable；

logical　combinations　to　reach　the　most　revolting　conclusions　on

the　everlasting　theme；　that　even　for　the　stone　wall　you　are

yourself　somehow　to　blame；　though　again　it　is　as　clear　as　day　you

are　not　to　blame　in　the　least；　and　therefore　grinding　your　teeth

in　silent　impotence　to　sink　into　luxurious　inertia；　brooding　on

the　fact　that　there　is　no　one　even　for　you　to　feel　vindictive

against；　that　you　have　not；　and　perhaps　never　will　have；　an

object　for　your　spite；　that　it　is　a　sleight　of　hand；　a　bit　of

juggling；　a　card…　sharper's　trick；　that　it　is　simply　a　mess；　no

knowing　what　and　no　knowing　who；　but　in　spite　of　all　these

uncertainties　and　jugglings；　still　there　is　an　ache　in　you；　and

the　more　you　do　not　know；　the　worse　the　ache。





IV



〃Ha；　ha；　ha！　　You　will　be　finding　enjoyment　in　toothache　next；〃

you　cry；　with　a　laugh。



〃Well；　even　in　toothache　there　is　enjoyment；〃　I　answer。　　I　had

toothache　for　a　whole　month　and　I　know　there　is。　　In　that　case；

of　course；　people　are　not　spiteful　in　silence；　but　moan；　but　they

are　not　candid　moans；　they　are　malignant　moans；　and　the

malignancy　is　the　whole　point。　　The　enjoyment　of　the　sufferer

finds　expression　in　those　moans；　if　he　did　not　feel　enjoyment　in

them　he　would　not　moan。　　It　is　a　good　example；　gentlemen；　and　I

will　develop　it。　　Those　moans　express　in　the　first　place　all　the

aimlessness　of　your　pain；　which　is　so　humiliating　to　your

consciousness；　the　whole　legal　system　of　nature　on　which　you　spit

disdainfully；　of　course；　but　from　which　you　suffer　all　the　same

while　she　does　not。　　They　express　the　consciousness　that　you　have

no　enemy　to　punish；　but　that　you　have　pain；　the　consciousness

that　in　spite　of　all　possible　Wagenheims　you　are　in　complete

slavery　to　your　teeth；　that　if　someone　wishes　it；　your　teeth　will

leave　off　aching；　and　if　he　does　not；　they　will　go　on　aching

another　three　months；　and　that　finally　if　you　are　still

contumacious　and　still　protest；　all　that　is　left　you　for　your　own

gratification　is　to　thrash　yourself　or　beat　your　wall　with　your

fist　as　hard　as　you　can；　and　absolutely　nothing　more。　　Well；

these　mortal　insults；　these　jeers　on　the　part　of　someone　unknown；

end　at　last　in　an　enjoyment　which　sometimes　reaches　the　highest

degree　of　voluptuousness。　　I　ask　you；　gentlemen；　listen　sometimes

to　the　moans　of　an　educated　man　of　the　nineteenth　century

suffering　from　toothache；　on　the　second　or　third　day　of　the

attack；　when　he　is　beginning　to　moan；　not　as　he　moaned　on　the

first　day；　that　is；　not　simply　because　he　has　toothache；　not　just

as　any　coarse　peasant；　but　as　a　man　affected　by　progress　and

European　civilisation；　a　man　who　is　〃divorced　from　the　soil　and

the　national　elements；〃　as　they　express　it　now…a…days。　　His　moans

become　nasty；　disgustingly　malignant；　and　go　on　for　whole　days

and　nights。　　And　of　course　he　knows　himself　that　he　is　doing

himself　no　sort　of　good　with　his　moans；　he　knows　better　than

anyone　that　he　is　only　lacerating　and　harassing　himself　and

others　for　nothing；　he　knows　that　even　the　audience　before　whom

he　is　making　his　efforts；　and　his　whole　family；　listen　to　him

with　loathing；　do　not　put　a　ha'porth　of　faith　in　him；　and

inwardly　understand　that　he　might　moan　differently；　more　simply；

without　trills　and　flourishes；　and　that　he　is　only　amusing

himself　like　that　from　ill…humour；　from　malignancy。　　Well；　in　all

these　recognitions　and　disgraces　it　is　that　there　lies　a

voluptuous　pleasure。　　As　though　he　would　say：　〃I　am　worrying　you；

I　am　lacerating　your　hearts；　I　am　keeping　everyone　in　the　house

awake。　　Well；　stay　awake　then；　you；　too；　feel　every　minute　that　I

have　toothache。　　I　am　not　a　hero　to　you　now；　as　I　tried　to　seem

before；　but　simply　a　nasty　person；　an　impostor。　　Well；　so　be　it；

then！　　I　am　very　glad　that　you　see　through　me。　　It　is　nasty　for

you　to　hear　my　despicable　moans：　well；　let　it　be　nasty；　here　I

will　let　you　have　a　nastier　flourish　in　a　minute。。。。〃　　You　do　not

understand　even　now；　gentlemen？　　No；　it　seems　our　　development

and　our　consciousness　must　go　further　to　understand　all　the

intricacies　of　this　pleasure。　　You　laugh？　　Delighted。　　My　jests；

gentlemen；　are　of　course　in　bad　taste；　jerky；　involved；　lacking

self…confidence。　　But　of　course　that　is　because　I　do　not　respect

myself。　　Can　a　man　of　perception　respect　himself　at　all？





V



Come；　can　a　man　who　attempts　to　find　enjoyment　in　the　very

feeling　of　his　own　degradation　possibly　have　a　spark　of　respect

for　himself？　　I　am　not　saying　this　now　from　any　mawkish　kind　of

remorse。　　And