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shall　always　be　insulted　by　every　louse；　that　is　my　doom！　　And

what　is　it　to　me　that　you　don't　understand　a　word　of　this！　　And

what　do　I　care；　what　do　I　care　about　you；　and　whether　you　go　to

ruin　there　or　not？　　Do　you　understand？　　How　I　shall　hate　you　now

after　saying　this；　for　having　been　here　and　listening。　　Why；　it's

not　once　in　a　lifetime　a　man　speaks　out　like　this；　and　then　it　is

in　hysterics！　。。。What　more　do　you　want？　　Why　do　you　still　stand

confronting　me；　after　all　this？　　Why　are　you　worrying　me？　　Why

don't　you　go？〃



But　at　this　point　a　strange　thing　happened。　　I　was　so　accustomed

to　think　and　imagine　everything　from　books；　and　to　picture

everything　in　the　world　to　myself　just　as　I　had　made　it　up　in　my

dreams　beforehand；　that　I　could　not　all　at　once　take　in　this

strange　circumstance。　　What　happened　was　this：　Liza；　insulted　and

crushed　by　me；　understood　a　great　deal　more　than　I　imagined。　　She

understood　from　all　this　what　a　woman　understands　first　of　all；

if　she　feels　genuine　love；　that　is；　that　I　was　myself　unhappy。



The　frightened　and　wounded　expression　on　her　face　was　followed

first　by　a　look　of　sorrowful　perplexity。　　When　I　began　calling

myself　a　scoundrel　and　a　blackguard　and　my　tears　flowed　（the

tirade　was　accompanied　throughout　by　tears）　her　whole　face　worked

convulsively。　　She　was　on　the　point　of　getting　up　and　stopping

me；　when　I　finished　she　took　no　notice　of　my　shouting：　〃Why　are

you　here；　why　don't　you　go　away？〃　but　realised　only　that　it　must

have　been　very　bitter　to　me　to　say　all　this。　　Besides；　she　was　so

crushed；　poor　girl；　she　considered　herself　infinitely　beneath　me；

how　could　she　feel　anger　or　resentment？　　She　suddenly　leapt　up

from　her　chair　with　an　irresistible　impulse　and　held　out　her

hands；　yearning　towards　me；　though　still　timid　and　not　daring　to

stir。。。。　At　this　point　there　was　a　revulsion　in　my　heart　too。　

Then　she　suddenly　rushed　to　me；　threw　her　arms　round　me　and　burst

into　tears。　　I；　too；　could　not　restrain　myself；　and　sobbed　as　I

never　had　before。。。



〃They　won't　let　me。。。I　can't　be。。。good！〃　I　managed　to　articulate；

then　I　went　to　the　sofa；　fell　on　it　face　downwards；　and　sobbed　on

it　for　a　quarter　of　an　hour　in　genuine　hysterics。　　She　came　close

to　me；　put　her　arms　round　me　and　stayed　motionless　in　that

position。　　But　the　trouble　was　that　the　hysterics　could　not　go　on

for　ever；　and　（I　am　writing　the　loathsome　truth）　lying　face

downwards　on　the　sofa　with　my　face　thrust　into　my　nasty　leather

pillow；　I　began　by　degrees　to　be　aware　of　a　far…away；　involuntary

but　irresistible　feeling　that　it　would　be　awkward　now　for　me　to

raise　my　head　and　look　Liza　straight　in　the　face。　　Why　was　I

ashamed？　　I　don't　know；　but　I　was　ashamed。　　The　thought；　too；

came　into　my　overwrought　brain　that　our　parts　now　were　completely

changed；　that　she　was　now　the　heroine；　while　I　was　just　a　crushed

and　humiliated　creature　as　she　had　been　before　me　that

nightfour　days　before。。。。　And　all　this　came　into　my　mind　during

the　minutes　I　was　lying　on　my　face　on　the　sofa。



My　God！　　surely　I　was　not　envious　of　her　then。



I　don't　know；　to　this　day　I　cannot　decide；　and　at　the　time；　of

course；　I　was　still　less　able　to　understand　what　I　was　feeling

than　now。　　I　cannot　get　on　without　domineering　and　tyrannising

over　someone；　but　。。。　there　is　no　explaining　anything　by

reasoning　and　so　it　is　useless　to　reason。



I　conquered　myself；　however；　and　raised　my　head；　I　had　to　do　so

sooner　or　later。。。and　I　am　convinced　to　this　day　that　it　was　just

became　I　was　ashamed　to　look　at　her　that　another　feeling　was

suddenly　kindled　and　flamed　up　in　my　heart。。。a　feeling　of　mastery

and　possession。　　My　eyes　gleamed　with　passion；　and　I　gripped　her

hands　tightly。　　How　I　hated　her　and　how　I　was　drawn　to　her　at

that　minute！　　The　one　feeling　intensified　the　other。　　It　was

almost　like　an　act　of　vengeance。　　At　first　there　was　a　look　of

amazement；　even　of　terror　on　her　face；　but　only　for　one　instant。　

She　warmly　and　rapturously　embraced　me。





X



A　quarter　of　an　hour　later　I　was　rushing　up　and　down　the　room　in

frenzied　impatience；　from　minute　to　minute　I　went　up　to　the

screen　and　peeped　through　the　crack　at　Liza。　　She　was　sitting　on

the　floor　with　her　head　leaning　against　the　bed；　and　must　have

been　crying。　　But　she　did　not　go　away；　and　that　irritated　me。　

This　time　she　understood　it　all。　　I　had　insulted　her　finally；

but。。。there's　no　need　to　describe　it。　　She　realised　that　my

outburst　of　passion　had　been　simply　revenge；　a　fresh　humiliation；

and　that　to　my　earlier；　almost　causeless　hatred　was　added　now　a

_personal　hatred_；　born　of　envy。。。。Though　I　do　not　maintain

positively　that　she　understood　all　this　distinctly；　but　she

certainly　did　fully　understand　that　I　was　a　despicable　man；　and

what　was　worse；　incapable　of　loving　her。



I　know　I　shall　be　told　that　this　is　incrediblebut　it　is

incredible　to　be　as　spiteful　and　stupid　as　I　was；　it　may　be　added

that　it　was　strange　I　should　not　love　her；　or　at　any　rate；

appreciate　her　love。　　Why　is　it　strange？　　In　the　first　place；　by

then　I　was　incapable　of　love；　for　I　repeat；　with　me　loving　meant

tyrannising　and　showing　my　moral　superiority。　　I　have　never　in　my

life　been　able　to　imagine　any　other　sort　of　love；　and　have

nowadays　come　to　the　point　of　sometimes　thinking　that　love　really

consists　in　the　rightfreely　given　by　the　beloved　objectto

tyrannise　over　her。



Even　in　my　underground　dreams　I　did　not　imagine　love　except　as　a

struggle。　　I　began　it　always　with　hatred　and　ended　it　with　moral

subjugation；　and　afterwards　I　never　knew　what　to　do　with　the

subjugated　object。　　And　what　is　there　to　wonder　at　in　that；　since

I　had　succeeded　in　so　corrupting　myself；　since　I　was　so　out　of

touch　with　〃real　life；〃　as　to　have　actually　thought　of

reproaching　her；　and　putting　her　to　shame　for　having　come　to　me

to　hear　〃fine　sentiments〃；　and　did　not　even　guess　that　she　had

come　not　to　hear　fine　sentiments；　but　to　love　me；　because　to　a

woman　all　reformation；　all　salvation　from　any　sort　of　ruin；　and

all　moral　renewal　is　included　in　love　and　can　only　show　itself　in

that　form。



I　did　not　hate　her　so　much；　however；　when　I　was　running　about　the

room　and　peeping　through　the　crack　in　the　screen。　　I　was　only

insufferably　oppressed　by　her　being　here。　　I　wanted　her　to

disappear。　　I　wanted　〃peace；〃　to　be　left　alone　in　my　underground

world。　　Real　life　oppressed　me　with　its　novelty　so　much　that　I

could　hardly　breathe。



But　several　minutes　passed　and　she　still　remained；　without

stirring；　as　though　she　were　unconscious。　　I　had　the

shamelessness　to　tap　softly　at　the　screen　as　though　to　remind

her。。。。She　started；　sprang　up；　and　flew　to　seek　her　kerchief；　her

hat；　her　coat；　as　though　making　her　escape　from　me。。。。Two　minutes

later　she　came　from　behind　the　screen　and　looked　with　heavy　eyes

at　me。　　I　gave　a　spiteful　grin；　which　was　forced；　however；　to

_keep　up　appearances_；　and　I　turned　away　from　her　eyes。



〃Good…bye；〃　she　said；　going　towards　the　door。



I　ran　up　to　her；　seized　her　hand；　opened　it；　thrust　something　in

it　and　closed　it　again。　　Then　I　turned　at　once　and　dashed　away　in

haste　to　the　other　corner　of　the　room　to　avoid　seeing；　anyway。。。。



I　did　mean　a　moment　since　to　tell　a　lieto　write　that　I　did　this

accidentally；　not　knowing　what　I　was　doing　through　foolishness；

through　losing　my　head。　　But　I　don't　want　to　lie；　and　so　I　will

say　straight　out　that　I　opened　her　hand　and　put　the　money　in

it。。。from　spite。　　It　came　into　my　head　to　do　this　while　I　was

running　up　and　down　the　room　and　she　was　sitting　behind　the

screen。　　But　this　I　can　say　for　certain：　though　I　did　that　cruel

thing　purposely；　it　was　not　an　impulse　from　the　heart；　but　came

from　my　evil　brain。　　This　cruelty　was　so　affected；　so　purposely

made　up；　so　completely　a　product　of　the　brain；　of　books；　that　I

could　not　even　keep　it　up　a　minutefirst　I　dashed　away　to　avoid

seeing　her；　and　then　in　shame　and　despair　rushed　after　Liza。　　I

opened　the　door　in　the　passage　and　began　listening。



〃Liza！　　Liza！〃　I　cried　on　the　stairs；　but　in　a　low　voice；　not

boldly。



There　was　no　answer；　but　I　fancied　I　heard　her　footsteps；　lower

down　on　the　stairs。



〃Liza！〃　I　cried；　more　loudly。



No　answer。　　But　at　that　minute　I　heard　the　stiff　outer　glass　door

open　heavily　with　a　creak　and　slam　violently；　the　sound　echoed　up

the　stairs。



She　had　gone。　　I　went　back　to　my　room　in　hesitation。　　I　felt

horribly　oppressed。



I　stood　still　at　the　table；　beside　the　chair　on　which　she　had　sat

and　looked　aimlessly　before　me。　　A　minute　passed；　suddenly　I

started；　straight　before　me　on　the　table　I　saw　。。。。　In　short；　I

saw　a　crumpled　blue　five…rouble　note；　the　one　I　had　thrust　into

her　hand　a　minute　before。　　It　was　the　same　note；　it　could　be　no

other；　there　was　no　other　in　the　flat。　　So　she　had　managed　to

fling　it　from　her　hand　on　the　table　at　the　moment　when　I　had

d