notes from the underground-第24节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



satisfied　with　my　letter　to　Simonov。　　But　on　this　point　I　was　not

satisfied　at　all。　　It　was　as　though　I　were　worried　only　by　Liza。　

〃What　if　she　comes；〃　I　thought　incessantly；　〃well；　it　doesn't

matter；　let　her　come！　　H'm！　　it's　horrid　that　she　should　see；　for

instance；　how　I　live。　　Yesterday　I　seemed　such　a　hero　to　her；

while　now；　h'm！　　It's　horrid；　though；　that　I　have　let　myself　go

so；　the　room　looks　like　a　beggar's。　　And　I　brought　myself　to　go

out　to　dinner　in　such　a　suit！　　And　my　American　leather　sofa　with

the　stuffing　sticking　out。　　And　my　dressing…gown；　which　will　not

cover　me；　such　tatters；　and　she　will　see　all　this　and　she　will

see　Apollon。　　That　beast　is　certain　to　insult　her。　　He　will

fasten　upon　her　in　order　to　be　rude　to　me。　　And　I；　of　course；

shall　be　panic…stricken　as　usual；　I　shall　begin　bowing　and

scraping　before　her　and　pulling　my　dressing…gown　round　me；　I

shall　begin　smiling；　telling　lies。　　Oh；　the　beastliness！　　And　it

isn't　the　beastliness　of　it　that　matters　most！　　There　is

something　more　important；　more　loathsome；　viler！　　Yes；　viler！　

And　to　put　on　that　dishonest　lying　mask　again！。。。〃



When　I　reached　that　thought　I　fired　up　all　at　once。



〃Why　dishonest？　　How　dishonest？　　I　was　speaking　sincerely　last

night。　　I　remember　there　was　real　feeling　in　me；　too。　　What　I

wanted　was　to　excite　an　honourable　feeling　in　her。。。。　Her　crying

was　a　good　thing；　it　will　have　a　good　effect。〃



Yet　I　could　not　feel　at　ease。　　All　that　evening；　even　when　I　had

come　back　home；　even　after　nine　o'clock；　when　I　calculated　that

Liza　could　not　possibly　come；　still　she　haunted　me；　and　what　was

worse；　she　came　back　to　my　mind　always　in　the　same　position。　　One

moment　out　of　all　that　had　happened　last　night　stood　vividly

before　my　imagination；　the　moment　when　I　struck　a　match　and　saw

her　pale；　distorted　face；　with　its　look　of　torture。　　And　what　a

pitiful；　what　an　unnatural；　what　a　distorted　smile　she　had　at

that　moment！　　But　I　did　not　know　then；　that　fifteen　years　later　I

should　still　in　my　imagination　see　Liza；　always　with　the　pitiful；

distorted；　inappropriate　smile　which　was　on　her　face　at　that

minute。



Next　day　I　was　ready　again　to　look　upon　it　all　as　nonsense；　due

to　over…excited　nerves；　and；　above　all；　as　_exaggerated_。　　I　was

always　conscious　of　that　weak　point　of　mine；　and　sometimes　very

much　afraid　of　it。　　〃I　exaggerate　everything；　that　is　where　I　go

wrong；〃　I　repeated　to　myself　every　hour。　　But；　however；　〃Liza

will　very　likely　come　all　the　same；〃　was　the　refrain　with　which

all　my　reflections　ended。　　I　was　so　uneasy　that　I　sometimes　flew

into　a　fury：　〃She'll　come；　she　is　certain　to　come！〃　I　cried；

running　about　the　room；　〃if　not　today；　she　will　come　tomorrow；

she'll　find　me　out！　　The　damnable　romanticism　of　these　pure

hearts！　　Oh；　the　vilenessoh；　the　sillinessoh；　the　stupidity

of　these　'wretched　sentimental　souls！'　　Why；　how　fail　to

understand？　　How　could　one　fall　to　understand？。。。〃



But　at　this　point　I　stopped　short；　and　in　great　confusion；

indeed。



〃And　how　few；　how　few　words；〃　I　thought；　in　passing；　〃were

needed；　how　little　of　the　idyllic　（and　affectedly；　bookishly；

artificially　idyllic　too）　had　sufficed　to　turn　a　whole　human　life

at　once　according　to　my　will。　　That's　virginity；　to　be　sure！　

Freshness　of　soil！〃



At　times　a　thought　occurred　to　me；　to　go　to　her；　〃to　tell　her

all；〃　and　beg　her　not　to　come　to　me。　　But　this　thought　stirred

such　wrath　in　me　that　I　believed　I　should　have　crushed　that

〃damned〃　Liza　if　she　had　chanced　to　be　near　me　at　the　time。　　I

should　have　insulted　her；　have　spat　at　her；　have　turned　her　out；

have　struck　her！



One　day　passed；　however；　another　and　another；　she　did　not　come

and　I　began　to　grow　calmer。　　I　felt　particularly　bold　and

cheerful　after　nine　o'clock；　I　even　sometimes　began　dreaming；　and

rather　sweetly：　I；　for　instance；　became　the　salvation　of　Liza；

simply　through　her　coming　to　me　and　my　talking　to　her。。。。I

develop　her；　educate　her。　　Finally；　I　notice　that　she　loves　me；

loves　me　passionately。　　I　pretend　not　to　understand　（I　don't

know；　however；　why　I　pretend；　just　for　effect；　perhaps）。　　At　last

all　confusion；　transfigured；　trembling　and　sobbing；　she　flings

herself　at　my　feet　and　says　that　I　am　her　saviour；　and　that　she

loves　me　better　than　anything　in　the　world。　　I　am　amazed；　but。。。。　

〃Liza；〃　I　say；　〃can　you　imagine　that　I　have　not　noticed　your

love？　　I　saw　it　all；　I　divined　it；　but　I　did　not　dare　to　approach

you　first；　because　I　had　an　influence　over　you　and　was　afraid

that　you　would　force　yourself；　from　gratitude；　to　respond　to　my

love；　would　try　to　rouse　in　your　heart　a　feeling　which　was

perhaps　absent；　and　I　did　not　wish　that　。。。　because　it　would　be

tyranny　。。。　it　would　be　indelicate〃　（in　short；　I　launch　off　at

that　point　into　European；　inexplicably　lofty　subtleties　a　la

George　Sand）；　〃but　now；　now　you　are　mine；　you　are　my　creation；

you　are　pure；　you　are　good；　you　are　my　noble　wife。



'Into　my　house　come　bold　and　free；

Its　rightful　mistress　there　to　be'。

　　　　　　

〃Then　we　begin　living　together；　go　abroad　and　so　on；　and　so　on。〃　　

In　fact；　in　the　end　it　seemed　vulgar　to　me　myself；　and　I　began

putting　out　my　tongue　at　myself。



Besides；　they　won't　let　her　out；　〃the　hussy！〃　I　thought。　　They

don't　let　them　go　out　very　readily；　especially　in　the　evening

（for　some　reason　I　fancied　she　would　come　in　the　evening；　and　at

seven　o'clock　precisely）。　　Though　she　did　say　she　was　not

altogether　a　slave　there　yet；　and　had　certain　rights；　so；　h'm！　

Damn　it　all；　she　will　come；　she　is　sure　to　come！



It　was　a　good　thing；　in　fact；　that　Apollon　distracted　my

attention　at　that　time　by　his　rudeness。　　He　drove　me　beyond　all

patience！　　He　was　the　bane　of　my　life；　the　curse　laid　upon　me　by

Providence。　　We　had　been　squabbling　continually　for　years；　and　I

hated　him。　　My　God；　how　I　hated　him！　　I　believe　I　had　never　hated

anyone　in　my　life　as　I　hated　him；　especially　at　some　moments。　　He

was　an　elderly；　dignified　man；　who　worked　part　of　his　time　as　a

tailor。　　But　for　some　unknown　reason　he　despised　me　beyond　all

measure；　and　looked　down　upon　me　insufferably。　　Though；　indeed；

he　looked　down　upon　everyone。　　Simply　to　glance　at　that　flaxen；

smoothly　brushed　head；　at　the　tuft　of　hair　he　combed　up　on　his

forehead　and　oiled　with　sunflower　oil；　at　that　dignified　mouth；

compressed　into　the　shape　of　the　letter　V；　made　one　feel　one　was

confronting　a　man　who　never　doubted　of　himself。　　He　was　a　pedant；

to　the　most　extreme　point；　the　greatest　pedant　I　had　met　on

earth；　and　with　that　had　a　vanity　only　befitting　Alexander　of

Macedon。　　He　was　in　love　with　every　button　on　his　coat；　every

nail　on　his　fingersabsolutely　in　love　with　them；　and　he　looked

it！　　In　his　behaviour　to　me　he　was　a　perfect　tyrant；　he　spoke

very　little　to　me；　and　if　he　chanced　to　glance　at　me　he　gave　me　a

firm；　majestically　self…confident　and　invariably　ironical　look

that　drove　me　sometimes　to　fury。　　He　did　his　work　with　the　air　of

doing　me　the　greatest　favour；　though　he　did　scarcely　anything　for

me；　and　did　not；　indeed；　consider　himself　bound　to　do　anything。　

There　could　be　no　doubt　that　he　looked　upon　me　as　the　greatest

fool　on　earth；　and　that　〃he　did　not　get　rid　of　me〃　was　simply

that　he　could　get　wages　from　me　every　month。　　He　consented　to　do

nothing　for　me　for　seven　roubles　a　month。　　Many　sins　should　be

forgiven　me　for　what　I　suffered　from　him。　　My　hatred　reached　such

a　point　that　sometimes　his　very　step　almost　threw　me　into

convulsions。　　What　I　loathed　particularly　was　his　lisp。　　His

tongue　must　have　been　a　little　too　long　or　something　of　that

sort；　for　he　continually　lisped；　and　seemed　to　be　very　proud　of

it；　imagining　that　it　greatly　added　to　his　dignity。　　He　spoke　in

a　slow；　measured　tone；　with　his　hands　behind　his　back　and　his

eyes　fixed　on　the　ground。　　He　maddened　me　particularly　when　he

read　aloud　the　psalms　to　himself　behind　his　partition。　　Many　a

battle　I　waged　over　that　reading！　　But　he　was　awfully　fond　of

reading　aloud　in　the　evenings；　in　a　slow；　even；　sing…song　voice；

as　though　over　the　dead。　　It　is　interesting　that　that　is　how　he

has　ended：　he　hires　himself　out　to　read　the　psalms　over　the　dead；

and　at　the　same　time　he　kills　rats　and　makes　blacking。　　But　at

that　time　I　could　not　get　rid　of　him；　it　was　as　though　he　were

chemically　combined　with　my　existence。　　Besides；　nothing　would

have　induced　him　to　consent　to　leave　me。　I　could　not　live　in

furnished　lodgings：　my　lodging　was　my　private　solitude；　my　shell；

my　cave；　in　which　I　concealed　myself　from　all　mankind；　and

Apollon　seemed　to　me；　for　some　reason；　an　integral　part　of　that

flat；　and　for　seven　years　I　could　not　turn　him　away。　　　　　　



To　be　two　or　three　days　behind　with　his　wages；　for　instance；　was

impossible。　　He　would　have　made　such　a　fuss；　I　should　not　have

known　where　to　hide　my　head。　　But　I　was　so　exasperated　with

everyone　during　those　days；　that　I　made