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seemed　in　a　special　way　to　degenerate　and　grow　stupider。　　How

many　fine…looking　boys　came　to　us！　　In　a　few　years　they　became

repulsive。　　Even　at　sixteen　I　wondered　at　them　morosely；　even

then　I　was　struck　by　the　pettiness　of　their　thoughts；　the

stupidity　of　their　pursuits；　their　games；　their　conversations。　

They　had　no　understanding　of　such　essential　things；　they　took　no

interest　in　such　striking；　impressive　subjects；　that　I　could　not

help　considering　them　inferior　to　myself。　　It　was　not　wounded

vanity　that　drove　me　to　it；　and　for　God's　sake　do　not　thrust　upon

me　your　hackneyed　remarks；　repeated　to　nausea；　that　〃I　was　only　a

dreamer；〃　while　they　even　then　had　an　understanding　of　life。　

They　understood　nothing；　they　had　no　idea　of　real　life；　and　I

swear　that　that　was　what　made　me　most　indignant　with　them。　　On

the　contrary；　the　most　obvious；　striking　reality　they　accepted

with　fantastic　stupidity　and　even　at　that　time　were　accustomed　to

respect　success。　　Everything　that　was　just；　but　oppressed　and

looked　down　upon；　they　laughed　at　heartlessly　and　shamefully。　

They　took　rank　for　intelligence；　even　at　sixteen　they　were

already　talking　about　a　snug　berth。　　Of　course；　a　great　deal　of

it　was　due　to　their　stupidity；　to　the　bad　examples　with　which

they　had　always　been　surrounded　in　their　childhood　and　boyhood。　

They　were　monstrously　depraved。　　Of　course　a　great　deal　of　that；

too；　was　superficial　and　an　assumption　of　cynicism；　of　course

there　were　glimpses　of　youth　and　freshness　even　in　their

depravity；　but　even　that　freshness　was　not　attractive；　and　showed

itself　in　a　certain　rakishness。　　I　hated　them　horribly；　though

perhaps　I　was　worse　than　any　of　them。　　They　repaid　me　in　the　same

way；　and　did　not　conceal　their　aversion　for　me。　　But　by　then　I

did　not　desire　their　affection：　on　the　contrary；　I　continually

longed　for　their　humiliation。　　To　escape　from　their　derision　I

purposely　began　to　make　all　the　progress　I　could　with　my　studies

and　forced　my　way　to　the　very　top。　　This　impressed　them。　

Moreover；　they　all　began　by　degrees　to　grasp　that　I　had　already

read　books　none　of　them　could　read；　and　understood　things　（not

forming　part　of　our　school　curriculum）　of　which　they　had　not　even

heard。　　They　took　a　savage　and　sarcastic　view　of　it；　but　were

morally　impressed；　especially　as　the　teachers　began　to　notice　me

on　those　grounds。　　The　mockery　ceased；　but　the　hostility

remained；　and　cold　and　strained　relations　became　permanent

between　us。　　In　the　end　I　could　not　put　up　with　it：　with　years　a

craving　for　society；　for　friends；　developed　in　me。　I　attempted　to

get　on　friendly　terms　with　some　of　my　schoolfellows；　but　somehow

or　other　my　intimacy　with　them　was　always　strained　and　soon　ended

of　itself。　　Once；　indeed；　I　did　have　a　friend。　　But　I　was　already

a　tyrant　at　heart；　I　wanted　to　exercise　unbounded　sway　over　him；

I　tried　to　instil　into　him　a　contempt　for　his　surroundings；　I

required　of　him　a　disdainful　and　complete　break　with　those

surroundings。　　I　frightened　him　with　my　passionate　affection；　I

reduced　him　to　tears；　to　hysterics。　　He　was　a　simple　and　devoted

soul；　but　when　he　devoted　himself　to　me　entirely　I　began　to　hate

him　immediately　and　repulsed　himas　though　all　I　needed　him　for

was　to　win　a　victory　over　him；　to　subjugate　him　and　nothing　else。　

But　I　could　not　subjugate　all　of　them；　my　friend　was　not　at　all

like　them　either；　he　was；　in　fact；　a　rare　exception。　　The　first

thing　I　did　on　leaving　school　was　to　give　up　the　special　job　for

which　I　had　been　destined　so　as　to　break　all　ties；　to　curse　my

past　and　shake　the　dust　from　off　my　feet。。。。　And　goodness　knows

why；　after　all　that；　I　should　go　trudging　off　to　Simonov's！



Early　next　morning　I　roused　myself　and　jumped　out　of　bed　with

excitement；　as　though　it　were　all　about　to　happen　at　once。　　But　I

believed　that　some　radical　change　in　my　life　was　coming；　and

would　inevitably　come　that　day。　　Owing　to　its　rarity；　perhaps；

any　external　event；　however　trivial；　always　made　me　feel　as

though　some　radical　change　in　my　life　were　at　hand。　　I　went　to

the　office；　however；　as　usual；　but　sneaked　away　home　two　hours

earlier　to　get　ready。　　The　great　thing；　I　thought；　is　not　to　be

the　first　to　arrive；　or　they　will　think　I　am　overjoyed　at　coming。　

But　there　were　thousands　of　such　great　points　to　consider；　and

they　all　agitated　and　overwhelmed　me。　　I　polished　my　boots　a

second　time　with　my　own　hands；　nothing　in　the　world　would　have

induced　Apollon　to　clean　them　twice　a　day；　as　he　considered　that

it　was　more　than　his　duties　required　of　him。　　I　stole　the　brushes

to　clean　them　from　the　passage；　being　careful　he　should　not

detect　it；　for　fear　of　his　contempt。　　Then　I　minutely　examined　my

clothes　and　thought　that　everything　looked　old；　worn　and

threadbare。　　I　had　let　myself　get　too　slovenly。　　My　uniform；

perhaps；　was　tidy；　but　I　could　not　go　out　to　dinner　in　my

uniform。　　The　worst　of　it　was　that　on　the　knee　of　my　trousers　was

a　big　yellow　stain。　　I　had　a　foreboding　that　that　stain　would

deprive　me　of　nine…tenths　of　my　personal　dignity。　　I　knew；　too；

that　it　was　very　poor　to　think　so。　　〃But　this　is　no　time　for

thinking：　now　I　am　in　for　the　real　thing；〃　I　thought；　and　my

heart　sank。　　I　knew；　too；　perfectly　well　even　then；　that　I　was

monstrously　exaggerating　the　facts。　　But　how　could　I　help　it？　　I

could　not　control　myself　and　was　already　shaking　with　fever。　

With　despair　I　pictured　to　myself　how　coldly　and　disdainfully

that　〃scoundrel〃　Zverkov　would　meet　me；　with　what　dull…witted；

invincible　contempt　the　blockhead　Trudolyubov　would　look　at　me；

with　what　impudent　rudeness　the　insect　Ferfitchkin　would　snigger

at　me　in　order　to　curry　favour　with　Zverkov；　how　completely

Simonov　would　take　it　all　in；　and　how　he　would　despise　me　for　the

abjectness　of　my　vanity　and　lack　of　spiritand；　worst　of　all；

how　paltry；　_unliterary_；　commonplace　it　would　all　be。　　Of

course；　the　best　thing　would　be　not　to　go　at　all。　　But　that　was

most　impossible　of　all：　if　I　feel　impelled　to　do　anything；　I　seem

to　be　pitchforked　into　it。　　I　should　have　jeered　at　myself　ever

afterwards：　〃So　you　funked　it；　you　funked　it；　you　funked　the

_real　thing_！〃　　On　the　contrary；　I　passionately　longed　to　show

all　that　〃rabble〃　that　I　was　by　no　means　such　a　spiritless

creature　as　I　seemed　to　myself。　　What　is　more；　even　in　the

acutest　paroxysm　of　this　cowardly　fever；　I　dreamed　of　getting　the

upper　hand；　of　dominating　them；　carrying　them　away；　making　them

like　meif　only　for　my　〃elevation　of　thought　and　unmistakable

wit。〃　They　would　abandon　Zverkov；　he　would　sit　on　one　side；

silent　and　ashamed；　while　I　should　crush　him。　　Then；　perhaps；　we

would　be　reconciled　and　drink　to　our　everlasting　friendship；　but

what　was　most　bitter　and　humiliating　for　me　was　that　I　knew　even

then；　knew　fully　and　for　certain；　that　I　needed　nothing　of　all

this　really；　that　I　did　not　really　want　to　crush；　to　subdue；　to

attract　them；　and　that　I　did　not　care　a　straw　really　for　the

result；　even　if　I　did　achieve　it。　　Oh；　how　I　prayed　for　the　day

to　pass　quickly！　　In　unutterable　anguish　I　went　to　the　window；

opened　the　movable　pane　and　looked　out　into　the　troubled　darkness

of　the　thickly　falling　wet　snow。　　At　last　my　wretched　little

clock　hissed　out　five。　　I　seized　my　hat　and；　trying　not　to　look

at　Apollon；　who　had　been　all　day　expecting　his　month's　wages；　but

in　his　foolishness　was　unwilling　to　be　the　first　to　speak　about

it；　I　slipped　between　him　and　the　door　and；　lumping　into　a

high…class　sledge；　on　which　I　spent　my　last　half　rouble；　I　drove

up　in　grand　style　to　the　Hotel　de　Paris。



　

IV



I　had　been　certain　the　day　before　that　I　should　be　the　first　to

arrive。　　But　it　was　not　a　question　of　being　the　first　to　arrive。　

Not　only　were　they　not　there；　but　I　had　difficulty　in　finding　our

room。　　The　table　was　not　laid　even。　　What　did　it　mean？　　After　a

good　many　questions　I　elicited　from　the　waiters　that　the　dinner

had　been　ordered　not　for　five；　but　for　six　o'clock。　　This　was

confirmed　at　the　buffet　too。　　I　felt　really　ashamed　to　go　on

questioning　them。　　It　was　only　twenty…five　minutes　past　five。　　If

they　changed　the　dinner　hour　they　ought　at　least　to　have　let　me

knowthat　is　what　the　post　is　for；　and　not　to　have　put　me　in　an

absurd　position　in　my　own　eyes　and。。。and　even　before　the　waiters。　

I　sat　down；　the　servant　began　laying　the　table；　I　felt　even　more

humiliated　when　he　was　present。　　Towards　six　o'clock　they　brought

in　candles；　though　there　were　lamps　burning　in　the　room。　　It　had

not　occurred　to　the　waiter；　however；　to　bring　them　in　at　once

when　I　arrived。　　In　the　next　room　two　gloomy；　angry…looking

persons　were　eating　their　dinners　in　silence　at　two　different

tables。　　There　was　a　great　deal　of　noise；　even　shouting；　in　a

room　further　away；　one　could　hear　the　laughter　of　a　crowd　of

people；　and　nasty　little　shrieks　in　French：　there　were　ladies　at

the　dinner。　　It　was　sickening；　in　fact。　　I　rarely　p