the club of queer trades-第13节

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〃Your　whiskers；〃　he　cried；　advancing　with　blazing　eyes。　〃Give　me　your　whiskers。　And　your　bald　head。〃

The　old　vicar　naturally　retreated　a　step　or　two。　I　stepped　between。

〃Sit　down；　Basil；〃　I　implored；　〃you're　a　little　excited。　Finish　your　wine。〃

〃Whiskers；〃　he　answered　sternly；　〃whiskers。〃

And　with　that　he　made　a　dash　at　the　old　gentleman；　who　made　a　dash　for　the　door；　but　was　intercepted。　And　then；　before　I　knew　where　I　was　the　quiet　room　was　turned　into　something　between　a　pantomime　and　a　pandemonium　by　those　two。　Chairs　were　flung　over　with　a　crash；　tables　were　vaulted　with　a　noise　like　thunder；　screens　were　smashed；　crockery　scattered　in　smithereens；　and　still　Basil　Grant　bounded　and　bellowed　after　the　Rev。　Ellis　Shorter。

And　now　I　began　to　perceive　something　else；　which　added　the　last　half…witted　touch　to　my　mystification。　The　Rev。　Ellis　Shorter；　of　Chuntsey；　in　Essex；　was　by　no　means　behaving　as　I　had　previously　noticed　him　to　behave；　or　as；　considering　his　age　and　station；　I　should　have　expected　him　to　behave。　His　power　of　dodging；　leaping；　and　fighting　would　have　been　amazing　in　a　lad　of　seventeen；　and　in　this　doddering　old　vicar　looked　like　a　sort　of　farcical　fairy…tale。　Moreover；　he　did　not　seem　to　be　so　much　astonished　as　I　had　thought。　There　was　even　a　look　of　something　like　enjoyment　in　his　eyes；　so　there　was　in　the　eye　of　Basil。　In　fact；　the　unintelligible　truth　must　be　told。　They　were　both　laughing。

At　length　Shorter　was　cornered。

〃Come；　come；　Mr　Grant；〃　he　panted；　〃you　can't　do　anything　to　me。　It's　quite　legal。　And　it　doesn't　do　any　one　the　least　harm。　It's　only　a　social　fiction。　A　result　of　our　complex　society；　Mr　Grant。〃

〃I　don't　blame　you；　my　man；〃　said　Basil　coolly。　〃But　I　want　your　whiskers。　And　your　bald　head。　Do　they　belong　to　Captain　Fraser？〃

〃No；　no；〃　said　Mr　Shorter；　laughing；　〃we　provide　them　ourselves。　They　don't　belong　to　Captain　Fraser。〃

〃What　the　deuce　does　all　this　mean？〃　I　almost　screamed。　〃Are　you　all　in　an　infernal　nightmare？　Why　should　Mr　Shorter's　bald　head　belong　to　Captain　Fraser？　How　could　it？　What　the　deuce　has　Captain　Fraser　to　do　with　the　affair？　What　is　the　matter　with　him？　You　dined　with　him；　Basil。〃

〃No；〃　said　Grant；　〃I　didn't。〃

〃Didn't　you　go　to　Mrs　Thornton's　dinner…party？〃　I　asked；　staring。　〃Why　not？〃

〃Well；〃　said　Basil；　with　a　slow　and　singular　smile；　〃the　fact　is　I　was　detained　by　a　visitor。　I　have　him；　as　a　point　of　fact；　in　my　bedroom。〃

〃In　your　bedroom？〃　I　repeated；　but　my　imagination　had　reached　that　point　when　he　might　have　said　in　his　coal　scuttle　or　his　waistcoat　pocket。

Grant　stepped　to　the　door　of　an　inner　room；　flung　it　open　and　walked　in。　Then　he　came　out　again　with　the　last　of　the　bodily　wonders　of　that　wild　night。　He　introduced　into　the　sitting…room；　in　an　apologetic　manner；　and　by　the　nape　of　the　neck；　a　limp　clergyman　with　a　bald　head；　white　whiskers　and　a　plaid　shawl。

〃Sit　down；　gentlemen；〃　cried　Grant；　striking　his　hands　heartily。　〃Sit　down　all　of　you　and　have　a　glass　of　wine。　As　you　say；　there　is　no　harm　in　it；　and　if　Captain　Fraser　had　simply　dropped　me　a　hint　I　could　have　saved　him　from　dropping　a　good　sum　of　money。　Not　that　you　would　have　liked　that；　eh？〃

The　two　duplicate　clergymen；　who　were　sipping　their　Burgundy　with　two　duplicate　grins；　laughed　heartily　at　this；　and　one　of　them　carelessly　pulled　off　his　whiskers　and　laid　them　on　the　table。

〃Basil；〃　I　said；　〃if　you　are　my　friend；　save　me。　What　is　all　this？〃

He　laughed　again。

〃Only　another　addition；　Cherub；　to　your　collection　of　Queer　Trades。　These　two　gentlemen　（whose　health　I　have　now　the　pleasure　of　drinking）　are　Professional　Detainers。〃

〃And　what　on　earth's　that？〃　I　asked。

〃It's　really　very　simple；　Mr　Swinburne；〃　began　he　who　had　once　been　the　Rev。　Ellis　Shorter；　of　Chuntsey；　in　Essex；　and　it　gave　me　a　shock　indescribable　to　hear　out　of　that　pompous　and　familiar　form　come　no　longer　its　own　pompous　and　familiar　voice；　but　the　brisk　sharp　tones　of　a　young　city　man。　〃It　is　really　nothing　very　important。　We　are　paid　by　our　clients　to　detain　in　conversation；　on　some　harmless　pretext；　people　whom　they　want　out　of　the　way　for　a　few　hours。　And　Captain　Fraser〃　and　with　that　he　hesitated　and　smiled。

Basil　smiled　also。　He　intervened。

〃The　fact　is　that　Captain　Fraser；　who　is　one　of　my　best　friends；　wanted　us　both　out　of　the　way　very　much。　He　is　sailing　tonight　for　East　Africa；　and　the　lady　with　whom　we　were　all　to　have　dined　is　erwhat　is　I　believe　described　as　‘the　romance　of　his　life'。　He　wanted　that　two　hours　with　her；　and　employed　these　two　reverend　gentlemen　to　detain　us　at　our　houses　so　as　to　let　him　have　the　field　to　himself。〃

〃And　of　course；〃　said　the　late　Mr　Shorter　apologetically　to　me；　〃as　I　had　to　keep　a　gentleman　at　home　from　keeping　an　appointment　with　a　lady；　I　had　to　come　with　something　rather　hot　and　strongrather　urgent。　It　wouldn't　have　done　to　be　tame。〃

〃Oh；〃　I　said；　〃I　acquit　you　of　tameness。〃

〃Thank　you；　sir；〃　said　the　man　respectfully；　〃always　very　grateful　for　any　recommendation；　sir。〃

The　other　man　idly　pushed　back　his　artificial　bald　head；　revealing　close　red　hair；　and　spoke　dreamily；　perhaps　under　the　influence　of　Basil's　admirable　Burgundy。

〃It's　wonderful　how　common　it's　getting；　gentlemen。　Our　office　is　busy　from　morning　till　night。　I've　no　doubt　you've　often　knocked　up　against　us　before。　You　just　take　notice。　When　an　old　bachelor　goes　on　boring　you　with　hunting　stories；　when　you're　burning　to　be　introduced　to　somebody；　he's　from　our　bureau。　When　a　lady　calls　on　parish　work　and　stops　hours；　just　when　you　wanted　to　go　to　the　Robinsons'；　she's　from　our　bureau。　The　Robinson　hand；　sir；　may　be　darkly　seen。〃

〃There　is　one　thing　I　don't　understand；〃　I　said。　〃Why　you　are　both　vicars。〃

A　shade　crossed　the　brow　of　the　temporary　incumbent　of　Chuntsey；　in　Essex。

〃That　may　have　been　a　mistake；　sir；〃　he　said。　〃But　it　was　not　our　fault。　It　was　all　the　munificence　of　Captain　Fraser。　He　requested　that　the　highest　price　and　talent　on　our　tariff　should　be　employed　to　detain　you　gentlemen。　Now　the　highest　payment　in　our　office　goes　to　those　who　impersonate　vicars；　as　being　the　most　respectable　and　more　of　a　strain。　We　are　paid　five　guineas　a　visit。　We　have　had　the　good　fortune　to　satisfy　the　firm　with　our　work；　and　we　are　now　permanently　vicars。　Before　that　we　had　two　years　as　colonels；　the　next　in　our　scale。　Colonels　are　four　guineas。〃



Chapter　4

The　Singular　Speculation　of　the　House…Agent

Lieutenant　Drummond　Keith　was　a　man　about　whom　conversation　always　burst　like　a　thunderstorm　the　moment　he　left　the　room。　This　arose　from　many　separate　touches　about　him。　He　was　a　light；　loose　person；　who　wore　light；　loose　clothes；　generally　white；　as　if　he　were　in　the　tropics；　he　was　lean　and　graceful；　like　a　panther；　and　he　had　restless　black　eyes。

He　was　very　impecunious。　He　had　one　of　the　habits　of　the　poor；　in　a　degree　so　exaggerated　as　immeasurably　to　eclipse　the　most　miserable　of　the　unemployed；　I　mean　the　habit　of　continual　change　of　lodgings。　There　are　inland　tracts　of　London　where；　in　the　very　heart　of　artificial　civilization；　humanity　has　almost　become　nomadic　once　more。　But　in　that　restless　interior　there　was　no　ragged　tramp　so　restless　as　the　elegant　officer　in　the　loose　white　clothes。　He　had　shot　a　great　many　things　in　his　time；　to　judge　from　his　conversation；　from　partridges　to　elephants；　but　his　slangier　acquaintances　were　of　opinion　that　〃the　moon〃　had　been　not　unfrequently　amid　the　victims　of　his　victorious　rifle。　The　phrase　is　a　fine　one；　and　suggests　a　mystic；　elvish；　nocturnal　hunting。

He　carried　from　house　to　house　and　from　parish　to　parish　a　kit　which　consisted　practically　of　five　articles。　Two　odd…looking；　large…bladed　spears；　tied　together；　the　weapons；　I　suppose；　of　some　savage　tribe；　a　green　umbrella；　a　huge　and　tattered　copy　of　the　Pickwick　Papers；　a　big　game　rifle；　and　a　large　sealed　jar　of　some　unholy　Oriental　wine。　These　always　went　into　every　new　lodging；　even　for　one　night；　and　they　went　in　quite　undisguised；　tied　up　in　wisps　of　string　or　straw；　to　the　delight　of　the　poetic　gutter　boys　in　the　little　grey　streets。

I　had　forgotten　to　mention　that　he　always　carried　also　his　old　regimental　sword。　But　this　raised　another　odd　question　about　him。　Slim　and　active　as　he　was；　he　was　no　longer　very　young。　His　hair；　indeed；　was　quite　grey；　though　his　rather　wild　almost　Italian　moustache　retained　its　blackness；　and　his　face　was　careworn　under　its　almost　Italian　gaiety。　To　find　a　middle…aged　man　who　has　left　the　Army　at　the　primitive　rank　of　lieutenant　is　unusual　and　not　necessarily　encouraging。　With　the　more　cautious　and　solid　this　fact；　like　his　endless　flitting；　did　the　mysterious　gentleman　no　good。

Lastly；　he　was　a　man　who　told　the　kind　of　adventures　which　win　a　man　admiration；　but　not　respect。　They　came　out　of　queer　places；　where　a　good　man　would　scarcely　find　himself；　out　of　opium　dens　and　gambling　hells；　they　had　the　heat　of　the　thieves'　kitchens　or　smelled　of　a　strange　smoke　from　cannibal　incantations。　These　are　the　kind　of　stories　which　discredit　a　person　almost　equally　whether　they　are　believed　or　no。　If　Keith's　tales　were　false　he　was　a　liar；　if　they　were　true　he　had　had；　at　any　ra