the life of charlotte bronte-1-第48节

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ribed　it　in　〃Villette；〃　her　sense　of　loneliness；　and　yet　her　strange　pleasure　in　the　excitement　of　the　situation；　as　in　the　dead　of　that　winter's　night　she　went　swiftly　over　the　dark　river　to　the　black　hull's　side；　and　was　at　first　refused　leave　to　ascend　to　the　deck。　　〃No　passengers　might　sleep　on　board；〃　they　said；　with　some　appearance　of　disrespect。　　She　looked　back　to　the　lights　and　subdued　noises　of　Londonthat　〃Mighty　Heart〃　in　which　she　had　no　placeand；　standing　up　in　the　rocking　boat；　she　asked　to　speak　to　some　one　in　authority　on　board　the　packet。　　He　came；　and　her　quiet　simple　statement　of　her　wish；　and　her　reason　for　it；　quelled　the　feeling　of　sneering　distrust　in　those　who　had　first　heard　her　request；　and　impressed　the　authority　so　favourably　that　he　allowed　her　to　come　on　board；　and　take　possession　of　a　berth。　　The　next　morning　she　sailed；　and　at　seven　on　Sunday　evening　she　reached　the　Rue　d'Isabelle　once　more；　having　only　left　Haworth　on　Friday　morning　at　an　early　hour。

Her　salary　was　16L。　a　year；　out　of　which　she　had　to　pay　for　her　German　lessons；　for　which　she　was　charged　as　much　（the　lessons　being　probably　rated　by　time）　as　when　Emily　learnt　with　her　and　divided　the　expense；　viz。；　ten　francs　a　month。　　By　Miss　Bronte's　own　desire；　she　gave　her　English　lessons　in　the　CLASSE；　or　schoolroom；　without　the　supervision　of　Madame　or　M。　Heger。　　They　offered　to　be　present；　with　a　view　to　maintain　order　among　the　unruly　Belgian　girls；　but　she　declined　this；　saying　that　she　would　rather　enforce　discipline　by　her　own　manner　and　character　than　be　indebted　for　obedience　to　the　presence　of　a　GENDARME。　　She　ruled　over　a　new　school…room；　which　had　been　built　on　the　space　in　the　play…ground　adjoining　the　house。　　Over　that　First　Class　she　was　SURVEILLANTE　at　all　hours；　and　henceforward　she　was　called　MADEMOISELLE　Charlotte　by　M。　Heger's　orders。　　She　continued　her　own　studies；　principally　attending　to　German；　and　to　Literature；　and　every　Sunday　she　went　alone　to　the　German　and　English　chapels。　Her　walks　too　were　solitary；　and　principally　taken　in　the　allee　defendue；　where　she　was　secure　from　intrusion。　　This　solitude　was　a　perilous　luxury　to　one　of　her　temperament；　so　liable　as　she　was　to　morbid　and　acute　mental　suffering。

On　March　6th；　1843；　she　writes　thus：…

〃I　am　settled　by　this　time；　of　course。　　I　am　not　too　much　overloaded　with　occupation；　and　besides　teaching　English；　I　have　time　to　improve　myself　in　German。　　I　ought　to　consider　myself　well　off；　and　to　be　thankful　for　my　good　fortunes。　　I　hope　I　am　thankful；　and　if　I　could　always　keep　up　my　spirits　and　never　feel　lonely；　or　long　for　companionship；　or　friendship；　or　whatever　they　call　it；　I　should　do　very　well。　　As　I　told　you　before；　M。　and　Madame　Heger　are　the　only　two　persons　in　the　house　for　whom　I　really　experience　regard　and　esteem；　and　of　course；　I　cannot　be　always　with　them；　nor　even　very　often。　　They　told　me；　when　I　first　returned；　that　I　was　to　consider　their　sitting…room　my　sitting…　room　also；　and　to　go　there　whenever　I　was　not　engaged　in　the　schoolroom。　　This；　however；　I　cannot　do。　　In　the　daytime　it　is　a　public　room；　where　music…masters　and　mistresses　are　constantly　passing　in　and　out；　and　in　the　evening；　I　will　not；　and　ought　not　to　intrude　on　M。　and　Madame　Heger　and　their　children。　　Thus　I　am　a　good　deal　by　myself；　out　of　school…hours；　but　that　does　not　signify。　　I　now　regularly　give　English　lessons　to　M。　Heger　and　his　brother…in…law。　　They　get　on　with　wonderful　rapidity；　especially　the　first。　　He　already　begins　to　speak　English　very　decently。　　If　you　could　see　and　hear　the　efforts　I　make　to　teach　them　to　pronounce　like　Englishmen；　and　their　unavailing　attempts　to　imitate；　you　would　laugh　to　all　eternity。

〃The　Carnival　is　just　over；　and　we　have　entered　upon　the　gloom　and　abstinence　of　Lent。　　The　first　day　of　Lent　we　had　coffee　without　milk　for　breakfast；　vinegar　and　vegetables；　with　a　very　little　salt　fish；　for　dinner；　and　bread　for　supper。　　The　Carnival　was　nothing　but　masking　and　mummery。　　M。　Heger　took　me　and　one　of　the　pupils　into　the　town　to　see　the　masks。　　It　was　animating　to　see　the　immense　crowds；　and　the　general　gaiety；　but　the　masks　were　nothing。　　I　have　been　twice　to　the　D。's〃　（those　cousins　of　〃Mary's〃　of　whom　I　have　before　made　mention）。　　〃When　she　leaves　Bruxelles；　I　shall　have　nowhere　to　go　to。　　I　have　had　two　letters　from　Mary。　　She　does　not　tell　me　she　has　been　ill；　and　she　does　not　complain；　but　her　letters　are　not　the　letters　of　a　person　in　the　enjoyment　of　great　happiness。　　She　has　nobody　to　be　as　good　to　her　as　M。　Heger　is　to　me；　to　lend　her　books；　to　converse　with　her　sometimes；　&c。

〃Good…bye。　　When　I　say　so；　it　seems　to　me　that　you　will　hardly　hear　me；　all　the　waves　of　the　Channel　heaving　and　roaring　between　must　deaden　the　sound。〃


From　the　tone　of　this　letter；　it　may　easily　be　perceived　that　the　Brussels　of　1843　was　a　different　place　from　that　of　1842。　　Then　she　had　Emily　for　a　daily　and　nightly　solace　and　companion。　　She　had　the　weekly　variety　of　a　visit　to　the　family　of　the　D。s；　and　she　had　the　frequent　happiness　of　seeing　〃Mary〃　and　Martha。　　Now　Emily　was　far　away　in　Haworthwhere　she　or　any　other　loved　one；　might　die；　before　Charlotte；　with　her　utmost　speed；　could　reach　them；　as　experience；　in　her　aunt's　case；　had　taught　her。　　The　D。s　were　leaving　Brussels；　so；　henceforth；　her　weekly　holiday　would　have　to　be　passed　in　the　Rue　d'Isabelle；　or　so　she　thought。　〃Mary〃　was　gone　off　on　her　own　independent　course；　Martha　alone　remainedstill　and　quiet　for　ever；　in　the　cemetery　beyond　the　Porte　de　Louvain。　　The　weather；　too；　for　the　first　few　weeks　after　Charlotte's　return；　had　been　piercingly　cold；　and　her　feeble　constitution　was　always　painfully　sensitive　to　an　inclement　season。　　Mere　bodily　pain；　however　acute；　she　could　always　put　aside；　but　too　often　ill…health　assailed　her　in　a　part　far　more　to　be　dreaded。　　Her　depression　of　spirits；　when　she　was　not　well；　was　pitiful　in　its　extremity。　　She　was　aware　that　it　was　constitutional；　and　could　reason　about　it；　but　no　reasoning　prevented　her　suffering　mental　agony；　while　the　bodily　cause　remained　in　force。

The　Hegers　have　discovered；　since　the　publication　of　〃Villette；〃　that　at　this　beginning　of　her　career　as　English　teacher　in　their　school；　the　conduct　of　her　pupils　was　often　impertinent　and　mutinous　in　the　highest　degree。　　But　of　this　they　were　unaware　at　the　time；　as　she　had　declined　their　presence；　and　never　made　any　complaint。　　Still　it　must　have　been　a　depressing　thought　to　her　at　this　period；　that　her　joyous；　healthy；　obtuse　pupils　were　so　little　answerable　to　the　powers　she　could　bring　to　bear　upon　them；　and　though　from　their　own　testimony；　her　patience；　firmness；　and　resolution；　at　length　obtained　their　just　reward；　yet　with　one　so　weak　in　health　and　spirits；　the　reaction　after　such　struggles　as　she　frequently　had　with　her　pupils；　must　have　been　very　sad　and　painful。

She　thus　writes　to　her　friend　E。：…


〃April；　1843。

〃Is　there　any　talk　of　your　coming　to　Brussels？　　During　the　bitter　cold　weather　we　had　through　February；　and　the　principal　part　of　March；　I　did　not　regret　that　you　had　not　accompanied　me。　　If　I　had　seen　you　shivering　as　I　shivered　myself；　if　I　had　seen　your　hands　and　feet　as　red　and　swelled　as　mine　were；　my　discomfort　would　just　have　been　doubled。　　I　can　do　very　well　under　this　sort　of　thing；　it　does　not　fret　me；　it　only　makes　me　numb　and　silent；　but　if　you　were　to　pass　a　winter　in　Belgium；　you　would　be　ill。　　However；　more　genial　weather　is　coming　now；　and　I　wish　you　were　here。　　Yet　I　never　have　pressed　you；　and　never　would　press　you　too　warmly　to　come。　　There　are　privations　and　humiliations　to　submit　to；　there　is　monotony　and　uniformity　of　life；　and；　above　all；　there　is　a　constant　sense　of　solitude　in　the　midst　of　numbers。　　The　Protestant；　the　foreigner；　is　a　solitary　being；　whether　as　teacher　or　pupil。　　I　do　not　say　this　by　way　of　complaining　of　my　own　lot；　for　though　I　acknowledge　that　there　are　certain　disadvantages　in　my　present　position；　what　position　on　earth　is　without　them？　　And；　whenever　I　turn　back　to　compare　what　I　am　with　what　I　wasmy　place　here　with　my　place　at　Mrs。　…'s　for　instanceI　am　thankful。　There　was　an　observation　in　your　last　letter　which　excited；　for　a　moment；　my　wrath。　　At　first；　I　thought　it　would　be　folly　to　reply　to　it；　and　I　would　let　it　die。　　Afterwards；　I　determined　to　give　one　answer；　once　for　all。　　'Three　or　four　people；'　it　seems；　'have　the　idea　that　the　future　EPOUX　of　Mademoiselle　Bronte　is　on　the　Continent。'　　These　people　are　wiser　than　I　am。　　They　could　not　believe　that　I　crossed　the　sea　merely　to　return　as　teacher　to　Madame　Hegers。　　I　must　have　some　more　powerful　motive　than　respect　for　my　master　and　mistress；　gratitude　for　their　kindness；　&c。；　to　induce　me　to　refuse　a　salary　of　50L。　in　England；　and　accept　one　of　16L。　in　Belgium。　　I　must；　forsooth；　have　some　remote　hope　of　entrapping　a　husband　somehow；　or　somewhere。　　If　these　charitable　people　knew　the　total　seclusion　of　the　life　I　lead；that　I　never　exchange　a　word　with　any　other　man　than　Monsieur　Heger；　and　seldom　indeed　with　him；they　would；　perhaps；　cease　to　suppose　that　any　such　chimerical　and　groundless　notion　had　influenced　my　proceedings。　　Have　I　said　enough　to　cle