the life of charlotte bronte-1-第32节

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r　health；　which　could　only　be　re…established　by　the　bracing　moorland　air　and　free　life　of　home。　　Tabby's　illness　had　preyed　on　the　family　resources。　　I　doubt　whether　Branwell　was　maintaining　himself　at　this　time。　　For　some　unexplained　reason；　he　had　given　up　the　idea　of　becoming　a　student　of　painting　at　the　Royal　Academy；　and　his　prospects　in　life　were　uncertain；　and　had　yet　to　be　settled。　　So　Charlotte　had　quietly　to　take　up　her　burden　of　teaching　again；　and　return　to　her　previous　monotonous　life。

Brave　heart；　ready　to　die　in　harness！　　She　went　back　to　her　work；　and　made　no　complaint；　hoping　to　subdue　the　weakness　that　was　gaining　ground　upon　her。　　About　this　time；　she　would　turn　sick　and　trembling　at　any　sudden　noise；　and　could　hardly　repress　her　screams　when　startled。　　This　showed　a　fearful　degree　of　physical　weakness　in　one　who　was　generally　so　self…controlled；　and　the　medical　man；　whom　at　length；　through　Miss　W…'s　entreaty；　she　was　led　to　consult；　insisted　on　her　return　to　the　parsonage。　　She　had　led　too　sedentary　a　life；　he　said；　and　the　soft　summer　air；　blowing　round　her　home；　the　sweet　company　of　those　she　loved；　the　release；　the　freedom　of　life　in　her　own　family；　were　needed；　to　save　either　reason　or　life。　　So；　as　One　higher　than　she　had　over…　ruled　that　for　a　time　she　might　relax　her　strain；　she　returned　to　Haworth；　and　after　a　season　of　utter　quiet；　her　father　sought　for　her　the　enlivening　society　of　her　two　friends；　Mary　and　Martha　T。　At　the　conclusion　of　the　following　letter；　written　to　the　then　absent　E。；　there　is；　I　think；　as　pretty　a　glimpse　of　a　merry　group　of　young　people　as　need　be；　and　like　all　descriptions　of　doing；　as　distinct　from　thinking　or　feeling；　in　letters；　it　saddens　one　in　proportion　to　the　vivacity　of　the　picture　of　what　was　once；　and　is　now　utterly　swept　away。


〃Haworth；　June　9；　1838。

〃I　received　your　packet　of　despatches　on　Wednesday；　it　was　brought　me　by　Mary　and　Martha；　who　have　been　staying　at　Haworth　for　a　few　days；　they　leave　us　to…day。　　You　will　be　surprised　at　the　date　of　this　letter。　　I　ought　to　be　at　Dewsbury　Moor；　you　know；　but　I　stayed　as　long　as　I　was　able；　and　at　length　I　neither　could　nor　dared　stay　any　longer。　　My　health　and　spirits　had　utterly　failed　me；　and　the　medical　man　whom　I　consulted　enjoined　me；　as　I　valued　my　life；　to　go　home。　　So　home　I　went；　and　the　change　has　at　once　roused　and　soothed　me；　and　I　am　now；　I　trust；　fairly　in　the　way　to　be　myself　again。

〃A　calm　and　even　mind　like　yours　cannot　conceive　the　feelings　of　the　shattered　wretch　who　is　now　writing　to　you；　when；　after　weeks　of　mental　and　bodily　anguish　not　to　be　described；　something　like　peace　began　to　dawn　again。　　Mary　is　far　from　well。　　She　breathes　short；　has　a　pain　in　her　chest；　and　frequent　flushings　of　fever。　I　cannot　tell　you　what　agony　these　symptoms　give　me；　they　remind　me　too　strongly　of　my　two　sisters；　whom　no　power　of　medicine　could　save。　　Martha　is　now　very　well；　she　has　kept　in　a　continual　flow　of　good　humour　during　her　stay　here；　and　has　consequently　been　very　fascinating　。　。　。　〃

〃They　are　making　such　a　noise　about　me　I　cannot　write　any　more。　Mary　is　playing　on　the　piano；　Martha　is　chattering　as　fast　as　her　little　tongue　can　run；　and　Branwell　is　standing　before　her；　laughing　at　her　vivacity。〃

Charlotte　grew　much　stronger　in　this　quiet；　happy　period　at　home。　She　paid　occasional　visits　to　her　two　great　friends；　and　they　in　return　came　to　Haworth。　　At　one　of　their　houses；　I　suspect；　she　met　with　the　person　to　whom　the　following　letter　referssome　one　having　a　slight　resemblance　to　the　character　of　〃St。　John；〃　in　the　last　volume　of　〃Jane　Eyre；〃　and；　like　him；　in　holy　orders。


〃March　12；　1839。

。　。　。　〃I　had　a　kindly　leaning　towards　him；　because　he　is　an　amiable　and　well…disposed　man。　　Yet　I　had　not；　and　could　not　have；　that　intense　attachment　which　would　make　me　willing　to　die　for　him；　and　if　ever　I　marry；　it　must　be　in　that　light　of　adoration　that　I　will　regard　my　husband。　　Ten　to　one　I　shall　never　have　the　chance　again；　but　N'IMPORTE。　　Moreover；　I　was　aware　that　he　knew　so　little　of　me　he　could　hardly　be　conscious　to　whom　he　was　writing。　　Why！　it　would　startle　him　to　see　me　in　my　natural　home　character；　he　would　think　I　was　a　wild；　romantic　enthusiast　indeed。　　I　could　not　sit　all　day　long　making　a　grave　face　before　my　husband。　　I　would　laugh；　and　satirize；　and　say　whatever　came　into　my　head　first。　　And　if　he　were　a　clever　man；　and　loved　me；　the　whole　world；　weighed　in　the　balance　against　his　smallest　wish；　should　be　light　as　air。〃


So　thather　first　proposal　of　marriagewas　quietly　declined　and　put　on　one　side。　　Matrimony　did　not　enter　into　the　scheme　of　her　life；　but　good；　sound；　earnest　labour　did；　the　question；　however；　was　as　yet　undecided　in　what　direction　she　should　employ　her　forces。　　She　had　been　discouraged　in　literature；　her　eyes　failed　her　in　the　minute　kind　of　drawing　which　she　practised　when　she　wanted　to　express　an　idea；　teaching　seemed　to　her　at　this　time；　as　it　does　to　most　women　at　all　times；　the　only　way　of　earning　an　independent　livelihood。　　But　neither　she　nor　her　sisters　were　naturally　fond　of　children。　　The　hieroglyphics　of　childhood　were　an　unknown　language　to　them；　for　they　had　never　been　much　with　those　younger　than　themselves。　　I　am　inclined　to　think；　too；　that　they　had　not　the　happy　knack　of　imparting　information；　which　seems　to　be　a　separate　gift　from　the　faculty　of　acquiring　it；　a　kind　of　sympathetic　tact；　which　instinctively　perceives　the　difficulties　that　impede　comprehension　in　a　child's　mind；　and　that　yet　are　too　vague　and　unformed　for　it；　with　its　half…developed　powers　of　expression；　to　explain　by　words。　　Consequently；　teaching　very　young　children　was　anything　but　a　〃delightful　task〃　to　the　three　Bronte　sisters。　　With　older　girls；　verging　on　womanhood；　they　might　have　done　better；　especially　if　these　had　any　desire　for　improvement。　　But　the　education　which　the　village　clergyman's　daughters　had　received；　did　not　as　yet　qualify　them　to　undertake　the　charge　of　advanced　pupils。　　They　knew　but　little　French；　and　were　not　proficients　in　music；　I　doubt　whether　Charlotte　could　play　at　all。　　But　they　were　all　strong　again；　and；　at　any　rate；　Charlotte　and　Anne　must　put　their　shoulders　to　the　wheel。　　One　daughter　was　needed　at　home；　to　stay　with　Mr。　Bronte　and　Miss　Branwell；　to　be　the　young　and　active　member　in　a　household　of　four；　whereof　threethe　father；　the　aunt；　and　faithful　Tabby　were　past　middle　age。　　And　Emily；　who　suffered　and　drooped　more　than　her　sisters　when　away　from　Haworth；　was　the　one　appointed　to　remain。　　Anne　was　the　first　to　meet　with　a　situation。


〃April　15th；　1839。

〃I　could　not　write　to　you　in　the　week　you　requested；　as　about　that　time　we　were　very　busy　in　preparing　for　Anne's　departure。　　Poor　child！　she　left　us　last　Monday；　no　one　went　with　her；　it　was　her　own　wish　that　she　might　be　allowed　to　go　alone；　as　she　thought　she　could　manage　better　and　summon　more　courage　if　thrown　entirely　upon　her　own　resources。　　We　have　had　one　letter　from　her　since　she　went。　　She　expresses　herself　very　well　satisfied；　and　says　that　Mrs。is　extremely　kind；　the　two　eldest　children　alone　are　under　her　care；　the　rest　are　confined　to　the　nursery；　with　which　and　its　occupants　she　has　nothing　to　do　。　。　。　I　hope　she'll　do。　　You　would　be　astonished　what　a　sensible；　clever　letter　she　writes；　it　is　only　the　talking　part　that　I　fear。　　But　I　do　seriously　apprehend　that　Mrs。will　sometimes　conclude　that　she　has　a　natural　impediment　in　her　speech。　　For　my　own　part；　I　am　as　yet　'wanting　a　situation；'　like　a　housemaid　out　of　place。　　By　the　way；　I　have　lately　discovered　I　have　quite　a　talent　for　cleaning；　sweeping　up　hearths；　dusting　rooms；　making　beds；　&c。；　so；　if　everything　else　fails；　I　can　turn　my　hand　to　that；　if　anybody　will　give　me　good　wages　for　little　labour。　　I　won't　be　a　cook；　I　hate　soothing。　　I　won't　be　a　nurserymaid；　nor　a　lady's…maid；　far　less　a　lady's　companion；　or　a　mantua…maker；　or　a　straw…bonnet　maker；　or　a　taker…　in　of　plain　work。　　I　won't　be　anything　but　a　housemaid　。　。　。　With　regard　to　my　visit　to　G。；　I　have　as　yet　received　no　invitation；　but　if　I　should　be　asked；　though　I　should　feel　it　a　great　act　of　self…denial　to　refuse；　yet　I　have　almost　made　up　my　mind　to　do　so；　though　the　society　of　the　T。's　is　one　of　the　most　rousing　pleasures　I　have　ever　known。　　Good…bye；　my　darling　E。；　&c。

〃P。　S。Strike　out　that　word　'darling；'　it　is　humbug。　　Where's　the　use　of　protestations？　　We've　known　each　other；　and　liked　each　other；　a　good　while；　that's　enough。〃


Not　many　weeks　after　this　was　written；　Charlotte　also　became　engaged　as　a　governess。　　I　intend　carefully　to　abstain　from　introducing　the　names　of　any　living　people；　respecting　whom　I　may　have　to　tell　unpleasant　truths；　or　to　quote　severe　remarks　from　Miss　Bronte's　letters；　but　it　is　necessary　that　the　difficulties　she　had　to　encounter　in　her　various　phases　of　life；　should　be　fairly　and　frankly　made　known；　before　the　force　〃of　what　was　resisted〃　can　be　at　all　understood。　　I　was　once　speaking　to　her　about　〃Agnes　Grey〃the　novel　in　which　her　sister　Anne　pretty　literally　describes　her　own　experience　as　a　governessand　alluding　more　particularly　to　the　account　of　the　stoning　of　the　little　nestlings　in　the　presence