some reminiscences-第26节

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charged　with　the　want　of　patriotism；　the　want　of　sense；　and　the



want　of　heart　too；　that　I　went　through　agonies　of　self…conflict



and　shed　secret　tears　not　a　few；　and　had　the　beauties　of　the



Furca　Pass　spoiled　for　me；　and　have　been　called　an　〃incorrigible



Don　Quixote；〃　in　allusion　to　the　book…born　madness　of　the　knight。



For　that　spoil！　　They　rustle；　those　bits　of　papersome　dozen　of



them　in　all。　　In　that　faint；　ghostly　sound　there　live　the



memories　of　twenty　years；　the　voices　of　rough　men　now　no　more；



the　strong　voice　of　the　everlasting　winds；　and　the　whisper　of　a



mysterious　spell；　the　murmur　of　the　great　sea；　which　must　have



somehow　reached　my　inland　cradle　and　entered　my　unconscious　ear；



like　that　formula　of　Mohammedan　faith　the　Mussulman　father



whispers　into　the　ear　of　his　new…born　infant；　making　him　one　of



the　faithful　almost　with　his　first　breath。　　I　do　not　know　whether



I　have　been　a　good　seaman；　but　I　know　I　have　been　a　very　faithful



one。　　And　after　all　there　is　that　handful　of　〃characters〃　from



various　ships　to　prove　that　all　these　years　have　not　been



altogether　a　dream。　　There　they　are；　brief；　and　monotonous　in



tone；　but　as　suggestive　bits　of　writing　to　me　as　any　inspired



page　to　be　found　in　literature。　　But　then；　you　see；　I　have　been



called　romantic。　　Well；　that　can't　be　helped。　　But　stay。　　I　seem



to　remember　that　I　have　been　called　a　realist　also。　　And　as　that



charge　too　can　be　made　out；　let　us　try　to　live　up　to　it；　at



whatever　cost；　for　a　change。　　With　this　end　in　view；　I　will



confide　to　you　coyly；　and　only　because　there　is　no　one　about　to



see　my　blushes　by　the　light　of　the　midnight　lamp；　that　these



suggestive　bits　of　quarter…deck　appreciation　one　and　all　contain



the　words　〃strictly　sober。〃







Did　I　overhear　a　civil　murmur；　〃That's　very　gratifying；　to　be



sure〃？　　Well；　yes；　it　is　gratifyingthank　you。　　It　is　at　least



as　gratifying　to　be　certified　sober　as　to　be　certified　romantic；



though　such　certificates　would　not　qualify　one　for　the



secretaryship　of　a　temperance　association　or　for　the　post　of



official　troubadour　to　some　lordly　democratic　institution　such　as



the　London　County　Council；　for　instance。　　The　above　prosaic



reflection　is　put　down　here　only　in　order　to　prove　the　general



sobriety　of　my　judgment　in　mundane　affairs。　　I　make　a　point　of　it



because　a　couple　of　years　ago；　a　certain　short　story　of　mine



being　published　in　a　French　translation；　a　Parisian　criticI　am



almost　certain　it　was　M。　Gustave　Kahn　in　the　〃Gil…Blas〃giving



me　a　short　notice；　summed　up　his　rapid　impression　of　the　writer's



quality　in　the　words　un　puissant　reveur。　　So　be　it！　　Who　would



cavil　at　the　words　of　a　friendly　reader？　　Yet　perhaps　not　such　an



unconditional　dreamer　as　all　that。　　I　will　make　bold　to　say　that



neither　at　sea　nor　ashore　have　I　ever　lost　the　sense　of



responsibility。　　There　is　more　than　one　sort　of　intoxication。



Even　before　the　most　seductive　reveries　I　have　remained　mindful



of　that　sobriety　of　interior　life；　that　asceticism　of　sentiment；



in　which　alone　the　naked　form　of　truth；　such　as　one　conceives　it；



such　as　one　feels　it；　can　be　rendered　without　shame。　　It　is　but　a



maudlin　and　indecent　verity　that　comes　out　through　the　strength



of　wine。　　I　have　tried　to　be　a　sober　worker　all　my　lifeall　my



two　lives。　　I　did　so　from　taste；　no　doubt；　having　an　instinctive



horror　of　losing　my　sense　of　full　self…possession；　but　also　from



artistic　conviction。　　Yet　there　are　so　many　pitfalls　on　each　side



of　the　true　path　that；　having　gone　some　way；　and　feeling　a　little



battered　and　weary；　as　a　middle…aged　traveller　will　from　the　mere



daily　difficulties　of　the　march；　I　ask　myself　whether　I　have　kept



always；　always　faithful　to　that　sobriety　wherein　there　is　power；



and　truth；　and　peace。







As　to　my　sea…sobriety；　that　is　quite　properly　certified　under　the



sign…manual　of　several　trustworthy　shipmasters　of　some　standing



in　their　time。　　I　seem　to　hear　your　polite　murmur　that　〃Surely



this　might　have　been　taken　for　granted。〃　　Well；　no。　　It　might　not



have　been。　　That　august　academical　body　the　Marine　Department　of



the　Board　of　Trade　takes　nothing　for　granted　in　the　granting　of



its　learned　degrees。　　By　its　regulations　issued　under　the　first



Merchant　Shipping　Act；　the　very　word　SOBER　must　be　written；　or　a



whole　sackful；　a　ton；　a　mountain　of　the　most　enthusiastic



appreciation　will　avail　you　nothing。　　The　door　of　the　examination



rooms　shall　remain　closed　to　your　tears　and　entreaties。　　The　most



fanatical　advocate　of　temperance　could　not　be　more　pitilessly



fierce　in　his　rectitude　than　the　Marine　Department　of　the　Board



of　Trade。　　As　I　have　been　face　to　face　at　various　times　with　all



the　examiners　of　the　Port　of　London；　in　my　generation；　there　can



be　no　doubt　as　to　the　force　and　the　continuity　of　my



abstemiousness。　　Three　of　them　were　examiners　in　seamanship；　and



it　was　my　fate　to　be　delivered　into　the　hands　of　each　of　them　at



proper　intervals　of　sea　service。　　The　first　of　all；　tall；　spare；



with　a　perfectly　white　head　and　moustache；　a　quiet；　kindly



manner；　and　an　air　of　benign　intelligence；　must；　I　am　forced　to



conclude；　have　been　unfavourably　impressed　by　something　in　my



appearance。　　His　old　thin　hands　loosely　clasped　resting　on　his



crossed　legs；　he　began　by　an　elementary　question　in　a　mild　voice；



and　went　on；　went　on。　。　。It　lasted　for　hours；　for　hours。　　Had　I



been　a　strange　microbe　with　potentialities　of　deadly　mischief　to



the　Merchant　Service　I　could　not　have　been　submitted　to　a　more



microscopic　examination。　　Greatly　reassured　by　his　apparent



benevolence；　I　had　been　at　first　very　alert　in　my　answers。　　But



at　length　the　feeling　of　my　brain　getting　addled　crept　upon　me。



And　still　the　passionless　process　went　on；　with　a　sense　of　untold



ages　having　been　spent　already　on　mere　preliminaries。　　Then　I　got



frightened。　　I　was　not　frightened　of　being　plucked；　that



eventuality　did　not　even　present　itself　to　my　mind。　　It　was



something　much　more　serious；　and　weird。　　〃This　ancient　person；〃　I



said　to　myself；　terrified；　〃is　so　near　his　grave　that　he　must



have　lost　all　notion　of　time。　　He　is　considering　this　examination



in　terms　of　eternity。　　It　is　all　very　well　for　him。　　His　race　is



run。　　But　I　may　find　myself　coming　out　of　this　room　into　the



world　of　men　a　stranger；　friendless；　forgotten　by　my　very



landlady；　even　were　I　able　after　this　endless　experience　to



remember　the　way　to　my　hired　home。〃　　This　statement　is　not　so



much　of　a　verbal　exaggeration　as　may　be　supposed。　　Some　very



queer　thoughts　passed　through　my　head　while　I　was　considering　my



answers；　thoughts　which　had　nothing　to　do　with　seamanship；　nor



yet　with　anything　reasonable　known　to　this　earth。　　I　verily



believe　that　at　times　I　was　lightheaded　in　a　sort　of　languid　way。



At　last　there　fell　a　silence；　and　that；　too；　seemed　to　last　for



ages；　while；　bending　over　his　desk；　the　examiner　wrote　out　my



pass…slip　slowly　with　a　noiseless　pen。　　He　extended　the　scrap　of



paper　to　me　without　a　word；　inclined　his　white　head　gravely　to　my



parting　bow。　。　。







When　I　got　out　of　the　room　I　felt　limply　flat；　like　a　squeezed



lemon；　and　the　door…keeper　in　his　glass　cage；　where　I　stopped　to



get　my　hat　and　tip　him　a　shilling；　said：







〃Well！　I　thought　you　were　never　coming　out。〃







〃How　long　have　I　been　in　there？〃　I　asked　faintly。







He　pulled　out　his　watch。







〃He　kept　you；　sir；　just　under　three　hours。　　I　don't　think　this



ever　happened　with　any　of　the　gentlemen　before。〃







It　was　only　when　I　got　out　of　the　building　that　I　began　to　walk



on　air。　　And　the　human　animal　being　averse　from　change　and　timid



before　the　unknown；　I　said　to　myself　that　I　would　not　mind　really



being　examined　by　the　same　man　on　a　future　occasion。　　But　when



the　time　of　ordeal　came　round　again　the　doorkeeper　let　me　into



another　room；　with　the　now　familiar　paraphernalia　of　models　of



ships　and　tackle；　a　board　for　signals　on　the　wall；　a　big　long



table　covered　with　official　forms；　and　having　an　unrigged　mast



fixed　to　the　edge。　　The　solitary　tenant　was　unknown　to　me　by



sight；　though　not　by　reputation；　which　was　simply　execrable。



Short　and　sturdy　as　far　as　I　could　judge；　clad　in　an　old；　brown；



morning…suit；　he　sat　leaning　on　his　elbow；　his　hand　shading　his



eyes；　and　half　averted　from　the　chair　I　was　to　occupy　on　the



other　side　of　the　table。　　He　was　motionless；　mysterious；　remote；



enigmatical；　with　something　mournful　too　in　the　pose；　like