the daisy chain, or aspirations-第142节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


not　her　fault　that　I　am　not　like　the　simple　and　dutiful；　who　are　not
fretted　or　perplexed。〃

〃Perplexed？〃　repeated　Ethel。

〃It　is　not　so　now；〃　he　replied。　　〃God　forbid！　　But　where　better　men
have　been　led　astray；　I　have　been　bewildered；　till；　Ethel；　I　have
felt　as　if　the　ground　were　slipping　from　beneath　my　feet；　and　I　have
only　been　able　to　hide　my　eyes；　and　entreat　that　I　might　know　the
truth。〃

〃You　knew　it！〃　said　Ethel；　looking　pale；　and　gazing　searchingly　at
him。

〃I　did；　I　do；　but　it　was　a　time　of　misery　when；　for　my　presumption；　I
suppose；　I　was　allowed　to　doubt　whether　it　were　the　truth。〃

Ethel　recoiled；　but　came　nearer；　saying；　very　low；　〃It　is　past。〃

〃Yes；　thank　Him　who　is　Truth。　　You　all　saved　me；　though　you　did　not
know　it。〃

〃When　was　this？〃　she　asked　timidly。

〃The　worst　time　was　before　the　Long　Vacation。　　They　told　me　I　ought
to　read　this　book　and　that。　　Harvey　Anderson　used　to　come　primed　with
arguments。　　I　could　always　overthrow　them；　but　when　I　came　to　glory
in　doing　so；　perhaps　I　prayed　less。　　Anyway；　they　left　a　sting。　　It
might　be　that　I　doubted　my　own　sincerity；　from　knowing　that　I　had　got
to　argue；　chiefly　because　I　liked　to　be　looked　on　as　a　champion。〃

Ethel　saw　the　truth　of　what　her　friend　had　said　of　the　morbid　habit
of　self…contemplation。

〃I　read；　and　I　mystified　myself。　　The　better　I　talked；　the　more　my
own　convictions　failed　me；　and；　by　the　time　you　came　up　to　Oxford；　I
knew　how　you　would　have　shrunk　from　him　who　was　your　pride；　if　you
could　have　seen　into　the　secrets　beneath。〃

Ethel　took　hold　of　his　hand。　　〃You　seemed　bright；〃　she　said。

〃It　melted　like　a　bad　dream　beforebefore　the　humming…bird；　and　with
my　father。　　It　was　weeks　ere　I　dared　to　face　the　subject　again。〃

〃How　could　you？　　Was　it　safe？〃

〃I　could　not　have　gone　on　as　I　was。　　Sometimes　the　sight　of　my
father；　or　the　mountains　and　lakes　in　Scotland；　ororthings　at　the
Grange；　would　bring　peace　back；　but　there　were　dark　hours；　and　I　knew
that　there　could　be　no　comfort　till　I　had　examined　and　fought　it
out。〃

〃I　suppose　examination　was　right；〃　said　Ethel；　〃for　a　man；　and
defender　of　the　faith。　　I　should　only　have　tried　to　pray　the　terrible
thought　away。　　But　I　can't　tell　how　it　feels。〃

〃Worse　than　you　have　power　to　imagine；〃　said　Norman；　shuddering。　　〃It
is　over　now。　　I　worked　out　their　fallacies；　and　went　over　the
reasoning　on　our　side。〃

〃And　prayed〃　said　Ethel。

〃Indeed　I　did；　and　the　confidence　returned；　firmer；　I　hope；　than
ever。　　It　had　never　gone　for　a　whole　day。〃

Ethel　breathed　freely。　　〃It　was　life　or　death；〃　she　said；　〃and　we
never　knew　it！〃

〃Perhaps　not；　but　I　know　your　prayers　were　angel…wings　ever　round　me。
And　far　more　than　argument；　was　the　thought　of　my　father's　heart…
whole　Christian　love　and　strength。〃

〃Norman；　you　believed；　all　the　time；　with　your　heart。　　This　was　only
a　bewilderment　of　your　intellect。〃

〃I　think　you　are　right；〃　said　Norman。　　〃To　me　the　doubt　was　cruel
agonynot　the　amusement　it　seems　to　some。〃

〃Because　our　dear　home　has　made　the　truth；　our　joy；　our　union；〃　said
Ethel。　　〃And　you　are　sure　the　cloud　is　gone；　and　for　ever？〃　she　still
asked　anxiously。

He　stood　still。　　〃For　ever；　I　trust；〃　he　said。　　〃I　hold　the　faith　of
my　childhood　in　all　its　fullness　as　surely　asas　ever　I　loved　my
mother　and　Harry。〃

〃I　know　you　do；〃　said　Ethel。　　〃It　was　only　a　bad　dream。〃

〃I　hope　I　may　be　forgiven　for　it；〃　said　Norman。　　〃I　do　not　know　how
far　it　was　sin。　　It　was　gone　so　far　as　that　my　mind　was　convinced
last　Christmas；　but　the　shame　and　sting　remained。　　I　was　not　at　peace
again　till　the　news　of　this　spring　came；　and　brought；　with　the　grief；
this　compensationthat　I　could　cast　behind　me　and　forget　the
criticisms　and　doubts　that　those　miserable　debates　had　connected　with
sacred　words。〃

〃You　will　be　the　sounder　for　having　fought　the　fight；〃　said　Ethel。

〃I　do　not　dread　the　like　shocks；〃　said　her　brother；　〃but　I　long　to
leave　this　world　of　argument　and　discussion。　　It　is　right　that　there
should　be　a　constant　defence　and　battle；　but　I　am　not　fit　for　it。　　I
argue　for　my　own　triumph；　and；　in　heat　and　harassing；　devotion　is
lost。　　Besides；　the　comparison　of　intellectual　power　has　been　my　bane
all　my　life。〃

〃I　thought　'praise　was　your　penance　here。'〃

〃I　would　fain　render　it　so；　butin　short；　I　must　be　away　from　it
all；　and　go　to　the　simplest；　hardest　work；　beginning　from　the
rudiments；　and　forgetting　subtle　arguments。〃

〃Forgetting　yourself；〃　said　Ethel。

〃Right。　　I　want　to　have　no　leisure　to　think　about　myself；〃　said
Norman。　　〃I　am　never　so　happy　as　at　such　times。〃

〃And　you　want　to　find　work　so　far　away？〃

〃I　cannot　help　feeling　drawn　towards　those　southern　seas。　　I　am　glad
you　can　give　me　good…speed。　　But　what　do　you　think　about　my　father？〃

Ethel　thought　and　thought。　　〃I　know　he　would　not　hinder　you；〃　she
repeated。

〃But　you　dread　the　pain　for　him？　　I　had　talked　to　Tom　about　taking
his　profession；　but　the　poor　boy　thinks　he　dislikes　it　greatly；
though；　I　believe；　his　real　taste　lies　that　way；　and　his　aversion
only　arises　a　few　grand　notions　he　has　picked　up；　out　of　which　I
could　soon　talk　him。〃

〃Tom　will　not　stand　in　your　place；〃　said　Ethel。

〃He　will　be　more　equable　and　more　to　be　depended　upon；〃　said　Norman。
〃None　of　you　appreciate　Tom。　　However；　you　must　hear　my　alternative。
If　you　think　my　going　would　be　too　much　grief　for　papa；　or　if　Tom　be
set　against　helping　him　in　his　practice；　there　is　an　evident　leading
of　Providence；　showing　that　I　am　unworthy　of　this　work。　　In　that　case
I　would　go　abroad　and　throw　myself；　at　once；　with　all　my　might；　into
the　study　of　medicine；　and　get　ready　to　give　my　father　some　rest。　　It
is　a　shame　that　all　his　sons　should　turn　away　from　his　profession。〃

〃I　am　more　than　ever　amazed！〃　cried　Ethel。　　〃I　thought　you　detested
it。　　I　thought　papa　never　wished　it　for　you。　　He　said　you　had　not
nerve。〃

〃He　was　always　full　of　the　tenderest　consideration　for　me；〃　said
Norman。　　〃With　Heaven　to　help　him；　a　man　may　have　nerve　for　whatever
is　his　duty。〃

〃How　he　would　like　to　have　you　to　watch　and　help。　　But　New　Zealand
would　be　so　glorious！〃

〃Glory　is　not　for　me；〃　said　Norman。　　〃Understand；　Ethel；　the　choice
is　New　Zealand；　or　going　at　onceat　once；　mindto　study　at
Edinburgh　or　Paris。〃

〃New　Zealand　at　once？〃　said　Ethel。

〃I　suppose　I　mast　stay　for　divinity　lectures；　but　my　intention　must
be　avowed；〃　said　Norman　hastily。　　〃And　now；　will　you　sound　my　father？
I　cannot。〃

〃I　can't　sound；〃　said　Ethel。　　〃I　can　only　do　things　point…blank。〃

〃Do　then；〃　said　Norman；　〃any　way　you　can！　　Only　let　me　know　which　is
best　for　him。　　You　get　all　the　disagreeable　things　to　do；　good　old
unready　one；〃　he　added　kindly。　　〃I　believe　you　are　the　one　who　would
be　shoved　in　front；　if　we　were　obliged　to　face　a　basilisk。〃

The　brightness　that　had　come　over　Norman；　when　he　had　discharged　his
cares　upon　her；　was　encouragement　enough　for　Ethel。　　She　only　asked
how　much　she　was　to　repeat　of　their　conversation。

〃Whatever　you　think　best。　　I　do　not　want　to　grieve　him；　but　he　must
not　think　it　fine　in　me。〃

Ethel　privately　thought　that　no　power　on　earth　could　prevent　him　from
doing　that。

It　was　not　consistent　with　cautious　sounding；　that　Norman　was　always
looking　appealingly　towards　her；　and；　indeed；　she　could　not　wait　long
with　such　a　question　on　her　mind。　　She　remained　with　her　father　in
the　drawing…room；　when　the　rest　were　gone　upstairs；　and；　plunging　at
once　into　the　matter；　she　said；　〃Papa；　there　is　something　that　Norman
cannot　bear　to　say　to　you　himself。〃

〃Humming…birds　to　wit？〃　said　Dr。　May。

〃No；　indeed；　but　he　wants　to　be　doing　something　at　once。　　What　should
you　think　ofofthere　are　two　things；　one　isgoing　out　as　a
missionary〃

〃Humming…birds　in　another　shape；〃　said　the　doctor；　startled；　but
smiling；　so　as　to　pique　her。

〃You　mean　to　treat　it　as　a　boy's　fancy！〃　said　she。

〃It　is　rather　suspicious；〃　he　said。　　〃Well；　what　is　the　other　of　his
two　things？〃

〃The　other　is；　to　begin　studying　medicine　at　once；　so　as　to　help
you。〃

〃Heyday！〃　cried　Dr。　May；　drawing　up　his　tall　vigorous　figure；　〃does
he　think　me　so　very　ancient　and　superannuated？〃

What　could　possess　him　to　be　so　provoking　and　unsentimental　to…night？
Was　it　her　own　bad　management？　　She　longed　to　put　an　end　to　the
conversation；　and　answered；　〃No；　but　he　thinks　it　hard　that　none　of
your　sons　should　be　willing　to　relieve　you。〃

〃It　won't　be　Norman；〃　said　Dr。　May。　　〃He　is　not　made　of　the　stuff。
If　he　survived　the　course　of　study；　every　patient　he　lost；　he　would
bring　himself　in　guilty　of　murder；　and　there　would　soon　be　an　end　of
him！〃

〃He　says　that　a　man　can　force　himself　to　anything　that　is　his　duty。〃

〃This　is　not　going　to　be　his　duty；　if　I　can　make　it　otherwise。　　What
is　the　meaning　of　all　this？　　No；　I　need　not　ask；　poor　boy；　it　is　what
I　was　afraid　of！〃

〃It　is　far　deeper；〃　said　Ethel；　and　she　related　great　part　of　what
she　had　heard　in　the　afternoon。　　It　was　not　easy　to　make　her　father
listenhis　line　was　to　be　positively　indignant；　rather　than
compassionate；　when　he　heard　of　the　doubts　that　had　assailed　poor
Norman。　　〃Foolish　boy；　what　business　had　he