the daisy chain, or aspirations-第118节

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ourselves；　in　the　sight　of　the　world；　is　but　an　outer　case；　a　shell
of　mere　words；　blown　up　for　the　occasion；　strung　together　as　mere
language；　then；　self…convicted；　we　shrink　within　the　husk；　and　feel
our　own　worthlessness　and　hypocrisy。〃

〃As　one　feels　in　reproving　the　school　children　for　behaving　ill　at
church？〃　said　Meta。

〃You　never　felt　anything　approaching　to　it！〃　said　Norman。　　〃To　know
oneself　to　be　such　a　deception；　that　everything　else　seems　a　delusion
too！〃

〃I　don't　know　whether　that　is　metaphysical；〃　said　Meta；　〃but　I　am
sure　I　don't　understand　it。　　One　must　know　oneself　to　be　worse　than
one　knows　any　one　else　to　be。〃

〃I　could　not　wish　you　to　understand；〃　said　Norman；　and　yet　he　seemed
impelled　to　go　on；　for；　after　a　hesitating　silence；　he　added；　〃When
the　wanderer　in　the　desert　fears　that　the　spring　is　but　a　mirage；　or
when　all　that　is　held　dear　is　made　hazy　or　distorted　by　some
enchanter；　what　do　you　think　are　the　feelings；　Meta？〃

〃It　must　be　dreadful；〃　she　said；　rather　bewildered；　〃but　he　may　know
it　is　a　delusion；　if　he　can　but　wake。　　Has　he　not　always　a　spell；　a
charm？〃

〃What　is　the　spell？〃　eagerly　said　Norman；　standing　still。

〃Believe〃　said　Meta；　hardly　knowing　how　she　came　to　choose　the
words。

〃I　believe！〃　he　repeated。　　〃Whatwhen　we　go　beyond　the　province　of
reasonhuman；　a　thing　of　sense　after　all！　　How　often　have　I　so
answered。　　But　Meta；　when　a　man　has　been　drawn；　in　self…sufficient
security；　to　look　into　a　magic　mirror；　and　cannot　detach　his　eyes
from　the　confused；　misty　scenewhere　all　that　had　his　allegiance
appears　shattered；　overthrown；　like　a　broken　image；　or　at　least
unable　to　endure　examination；　then〃

〃Oh；　Norman；　is　that　the　trial　to　any　one　here？　　I　thought　old　Oxford
was　the　great　guardian　nurse　of　truth！　　I　am　sure　she　cannot　deal　in
magic　mirrors　or　such　frightful　things。　　Do　you　know　you　are　talking
like　a　very　horrible　dream？〃

〃I　believe　I　am　in　one；〃　said　Norman。

〃To　be　sure　you　are。　　Wake！〃　said　Meta；　looking　up；　smiling　in　his
face。　　〃You　have　read　yourself　into　a　maze；　that's　allwhat　Mary
calls；　muzzling　your　head；　you　don't　really　think　all　this；　and　when
you　get　into　the　country；　away　from　books；　you　will　forget　it。　　One
look　at　our　dear　old　purple　Welsh　hills　will　blow　away　all　the
mists！〃

〃I　ought　not　to　have　spoken　in　this　manner；〃　said　Norman　sadly。
〃Forget　it；　Meta。〃

〃Forget　it！　　Of　course　I　will。　　It　is　all　nonsense；　and　meant　to　be
forgotten；〃　said　Meta；　laughing。　　〃You　will　own　that　it　is　by…and…
by。〃

He　gave　a　deep　sigh。

〃Don't　think　I　am　unfeeling；〃　she　said；　〃but　I　know　it　is　all　a　fog
up　from　books；　books；　booksI　should　like　to　drive　it　off　with　a
good　fresh　gust　of　wind！　　Oh！　I　wish　those　yellow　lilies　would　grow
in　our　river！〃

Meta　talked　away　gaily　for　the　rest　of　the　walk。　　She　was　anything
but　unfeeling；　but　she　had　a　confidence　in　Norman　that　forbade　her　to
see　anything　here　but　one　of　his　variations　of　spirits；　which　always
sank　in　the　hour　of　triumph。　　She　put　forth　her　brightness　to　enliven
him；　and；　in　their　subsequent　tete…a…tetes；　she　avoided　all　that
could　lead　to　a　renewal　of　this　conversation。　　Ethel　would　not　have
rested　till　it　had　been　fought　out。　　Meta　thought　it　so　imaginary；
that　it　had　better　die　for　want　of　the　aliment　of　words；　certainly；
hers　could　not　reach　an　intellect　like　his；　and　she　would　only　soothe
and　amuse　him。　　Dr。　May；　mind…curer　as　well　as　body…curer；　would　soon
be　here；　to　put　the　climax　to　the　general　joy　and　watch　his　own　son。

He　did　arrive；　quite　prepared　to　enjoy；　giving　an　excellent　account
of　both　homes；　Mr。　Rivers　very　well；　and　the　Wilmots　taking　care　of
him；　and　Margaret　as　comfortable　as　usual；　Mary　making　a　most
important　and　capable　little　housekeeper；　Miss　Bracy　as　good　as
possible。　　He　talked　as　if　they　had　all　nourished　the　better　for
Ethel's　absence；　but　he　had　evidently　missed　her　greatly；　as　he
showed；　without　knowing　it；　by　his　instant　eagerness　to　have　her　to
himself。　　Even　Norman；　prizeman　as　he　was；　was　less　wanted。　　There
was　proud　affection；　eager　congratulation；　for　him；　but　it　was　Ethel
to　whom　he　wanted　to　tell　everything　that　had　passed　during　her
absencewhom　he　treated　as　if　they　were　meeting　after　a　tedious
separation。

They　dined　rather　early；　and　went　out　afterwards；　to　walk　down　the
High　Street　to　Christchurch　Meadow。　　Norman　and　Ethel　had　been
anxious　for　this；　they　thought　it　would　give　their　father　the　best
idea　of　the　tout　ensemble　of　Oxford；　and　were　not　without　hopes　of
beating　him　by　his　own　confession；　in　that　standing　fight　between　him
and　his　sons；　as　to　the　beauties　of　Oxford　and　Cambridgea　fight　in
which；　hitherto；　they　had　been　equally　matchedneither　partisan
having　seen　the　rival　University。

Flora　stayed　at　home；　she　owned　herself　fairly　tired　by　her　arduous
duties　of　following　the　two　young　ladies　about；　and　was　very　glad　to
give　her　father　the　keeping　of　them。　　Dr。　May　held　out　his　arm　to
EthelNorman　secured　his　peculiar　property。　　Ethel　could　have
preferred　that　it　should　be　otherwiseNorman　would　have　no　companion
but　George　Rivers；　how　bored　he　would　be！

All　through　the　streets；　while　she　was　telling　her　father　the　names
of　the　buildings；　she　was　not　giving　her　whole　attention；　she　was
trying　to　guess；　from　the　sounds　behind；　whether　Mr。　Ogilvie　were
accompanying　them。　　They　entered　the　meadowsNorman　turned　round；
with　a　laugh；　to　defy　the　doctor　to　talk　of　the　Cam；　on　the　banks　of
the　Isis。　　The　party　stood　stillthe　other　two　gentlemen　came　up。
They　amalgamated　againall　the　Oxonians　conspiring　to　say　spiteful
things　of　the　Cam；　and　Dr。　May　making　a　spirited　defence；　in　which
Ethel　found　herself　impelled　to　join。

In　the　wide　gravelled　path；　they　proceeded　in　threes；　George　attached
himself　to　his　sister　and　Norman。　　Mr。　Ogilvie　came　to　Ethel's　other
side；　and　began　to　point　out　all　the　various　notabilities。　　Ethel　was
happy　again；　her　father　was　so　much　pleased　and　amused；　with　him；　and
he　with　her　father；　that　it　was　a　treat　to　look　on。

Presently　Dr。　May；　as　usual；　always　meeting　with　acquaintances；　fell
in　with　a　county　neighbour；　and　Ethel　had　another　pleasant　aside；
until　her　father　claimed　her；　and　Mr。　Ogilvie　was　absorbed　among
another　party；　and　lost　to　her　sight。

He　came　to　tea；　but；　by　that　time；　Dr。　May　had　established　himself　in
the　chair　which　had　hitherto　been　appropriated　to　her　cousin；　a　chair
that　cut　her　nook　off　from　the　rest　of　the　world；　and　made　her　the
exclusive　possession　of　the　occupant。　　There　was　a　most　interesting
history　for　her　to　hear；　of　a　meeting　with　the　Town　Council；　which
she　had　left　pending；　when　Dr。　May　had　been　battling　to　save　the　next
presentation　of　the　living　from　being　sold。

Few　subjects　could　affect　Ethel　more　nearly；　yet　she　caught　herself
missing　the　thread　of　his　discourse；　in　trying　to　hear　what　Mr。
Ogilvie　was　saying　to　Flora　about　a　visit　to　Glenbracken。

The　time　came　for　the　two　Balliol　men　to　take　their　leave。　　Norman
May　had　been　sitting　very　silent　all　the　evening；　and　Meta；　who　was
near　him；　respected　his　mood。　　When　he　said　good…night；　he　drew　Ethel
outside　the　door。　　〃Ethel；〃　he　said；　〃only　one　thing：　do　ask　my
father　not　to　put　on　his　spectacles
to…morrow。〃

〃Very　well；〃　said　Ethel；　half　smiling；　〃Richard　did　not　mind　them。〃

〃Richard　has　more　humilityI　shall　break　down　if　he　looks　at　me！　　I
wish　you　were　all　at　home。〃

〃Thank　you。〃

The　other　Norman　came　out　of　the　sitting…room　at　the　moment；　and
heard　the　last　words。

〃Never　mind；〃　said　he　to　Ethel；　〃I'll　take　care　of　him。　　He　shall
comport　himself　as　if　you　were　all　at　Nova　Zembla。　　A　pretty　fellow
to　talk　of　despising　fame；　and　then　get　a　fit　of　stage…fright！〃

〃Well；　good…night；〃　said　Norman；　sighing。　　〃It　will　be　over　to…
morrow；　only　remember　the　spectacles。〃

Dr。　May　laughed　a　good　deal　at　the　request；　and　asked　if　the　rest　of
the　party　were　to　be　blindfolded。　　Meta　wondered　that　Ethel　should
have　mentioned　the　request　so　publicly；　she　was　a　good　deal　touched
by　it；　and　she　thought　Dr。　May　ought　to　be　so。

Good…night　was　said；　and　Dr。　May　put　his　arm　round　Ethel；　and　gave
her　the　kiss　that　she　had　missed　for　seven　nights。　　It　was　very
homelike；　and　it　brought　a　sudden　flash　of　thought　across　Ethel！
What　had　she　been　doing？　　She　had　been　impatient　of　her　father's
monopoly　of　her！

She　parted　with　Flora；　and　entered　the　room　she　shared　with　Meta；
where　Bellairs　waited　to　attend　her　little　mistress。　　Few　words
passed　between　the　two　girls；　and　those　chiefly　on　the　morrow's
dress。　　Meta　had　some　fixed　ideasshe　should　wear　pink。　　Norman　had
said　he　liked　her　pink　bonnet；　and　then　she　could　put　down　her　white
veil；　so　that　he　could　be　certain　that　she　was　not　looking；　Ethel
vaguely　believed　Flora　meant　to　wearsomething

Bellairs　went　away；　and　Meta　gave　expression　to　her　eager　hope　that
Norman　would　go　through　it　well。　　If　he　would　only　read　it　as　he　did
last　Easter　to　her　and　Ethel。

〃He　will；〃　said　Ethel。　　〃This　nervousness　always　wears　off　when　it
comes　to　the　point；　and　he　warms　with　his　subject。〃

〃Oh！　but　think　of　all　the　eyes　looking　at　him！〃

〃Our's　are　all　that　he　real