the magic skin(驴皮记)-第21节

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future　promised　by　her　imperial　protectress。　When　Mme。　Gaudin　confided
to　me　this　heavy　trouble　that　preyed　upon　her；　she　said；　with　sharp
pain　in　her　voice；　'I　would　give　up　the　property　and　the　scrap　of
paper　that　makes　Gaudin　a　baron　of　the　empire；　and　all　our　rights　to
the　endowment　of　Wistchnau；　if　only　Pauline　could　be　brought　up　at
Saint…Denis？'　Her　words　struck　me；　now　I　could　show　my　gratitude　for
the　kindnesses　expended　on　me　by　the　two　women；　all　at　once　the　idea
of　offering　to　finish　Pauline's　education　occurred　to　me；　and　the
offer　was　made　and　accepted　in　the　most　perfect　simplicity。　In　this
way　I　came　to　have　some　hours　of　recreation。　Pauline　had　natural
aptitude；　she　learned　so　quickly；　that　she　soon　surpassed　me　at　the
piano。　As　she　became　accustomed　to　think　aloud　in　my　presence；　she
unfolded　all　the　sweet　refinements　of　a　heart　that　was　opening　itself
out　to　life；　as　some　flower…cup　opens　slowly　to　the　sun。　She　listened
to　me；　pleased　and　thoughtful；　letting　her　dark　velvet　eyes　rest　upon
me　with　a　half　smile　in　them；　she　repeated　her　lessons　in　soft　and
gentle　tones；　and　showed　childish　glee　when　I　was　satisfied　with　her。
Her　mother　grew　more　and　more　anxious　every　day　to　shield　the　young
girl　from　every　danger　（for　all　the　beauty　promised　in　early　life　was
developing　in　the　crescent　moon）；　and　was　glad　to　see　her　spend　whole
days　indoors　in　study。　My　piano　was　the　only　one　she　could　use；　and
while　I　was　out　she　practised　on　it。　When　I　came　home；　Pauline　would
be　in　my　room；　in　her　shabby　dress；　but　her　slightest　movement
revealed　her　slender　figure　in　its　attractive　grace；　in　spite　of　the
coarse　materials　that　she　wore。　As　with　the　heroine　of　the　fable　of
'Peau…d'Ane；'　a　dainty　foot　peeped　out　of　the　clumsy　shoes。　But　all
her　wealth　of　girlish　beauty　was　as　lost　upon　me。　I　had　laid　commands
upon　myself　to　see　a　sister　only　in　Pauline。　I　dreaded　lest　I　should
betray　her　mother's　faith　in　me。　I　admired　the　lovely　girl　as　if　she
had　been　a　picture；　or　as　the　portrait　of　a　dead　mistress；　she　was　at
once　my　child　and　my　statue。　For　me；　another　Pygmalion；　the　maiden
with　the　hues　of　life　and　the　living　voice　was　to　become　a　form　of
inanimate　marble。　I　was　very　strict　with　her；　but　the　more　I　made　her
feel　my　pedagogue's　severity；　the　more　gentle　and　submissive　she　grew。

〃If　a　generous　feeling　strengthened　me　in　my　reserve　and　self…
restraint；　prudent　considerations　were　not　lacking　beside。　Integrity
of　purpose　cannot；　I　think；　fail　to　accompany　integrity　in　money
matters。　To　my　mind；　to　become　insolvent　or　to　betray　a　woman　is　the
same　sort　of　thing。　If　you　love　a　young　girl；　or　allow　yourself　to　be
beloved　by　her；　a　contract　is　implied；　and　its　conditions　should　be
thoroughly　understood。　We　are　free　to　break　with　the　woman　who　sells
herself；　but　not　with　the　young　girl　who　has　given　herself　to　us　and
does　not　know　the　extent　of　her　sacrifice。　I　must　have　married
Pauline；　and　that　would　have　been　madness。　Would　it　not　have　given
over　that　sweet　girlish　heart　to　terrible　misfortunes？　My　poverty　made
its　selfish　voice　heard；　and　set　an　iron　barrier　between　that　gentle
nature　and　mine。　Besides；　I　am　ashamed　to　say；　that　I　cannot　imagine
love　in　the　midst　of　poverty。　Perhaps　this　is　a　vitiation　due　to　that
malady　of　mankind　called　civilization；　but　a　woman　in　squalid　poverty
would　exert　no　fascination　over　me；　were　she　attractive　as　Homer's
Galatea；　the　fair　Helen。

〃Ah；　vive　l'amour！　But　let　it　be　in　silk　and　cashmere；　surrounded　with
the　luxury　which　so　marvelously　embellishes　it；　for　is　it　not　perhaps
itself　a　luxury？　I　enjoy　making　havoc　with　an　elaborate　erection　of
scented　hair；　I　like　to　crush　flowers；　to　disarrange　and　crease　a
smart　toilette　at　will。　A　bizarre　attraction　lies　for　me　in　burning
eyes　that　blaze　through　a　lace　veil；　like　flame　through　cannon　smoke。
My　way　of　love　would　be　to　mount　by　a　silken　ladder；　in　the　silence　of
a　winter　night。　And　what　bliss　to　reach；　all　powdered　with　snow；　a
perfumed　room；　with　hangings　of　painted　silk；　to　find　a　woman　there；
who　likewise　shakes　away　the　snow　from　her；　for　what　other　name　can　be
found　for　the　white　muslin　wrappings　that　vaguely　define　her；　like
some　angel　form　issuing　from　a　cloud！　And　then　I　wish　for　furtive
joys；　for　the　security　of　audacity。　I　want　to　see　once　more　that　woman
of　mystery；　but　let　it　be　in　the　throng；　dazzling；　unapproachable；
adored　on　all　sides；　dressed　in　laces　and　ablaze　with　diamonds；　laying
her　commands　upon　every　one；　so　exalted　above　us；　that　she　inspires
awe；　and　none　dares　to　pay　his　homage　to　her。

〃She　gives　me　a　stolen　glance；　amid　her　court；　a　look　that　exposes　the
unreality　of　all　this；　that　resigns　for　me　the　world　and　all　men　in
it！　Truly　I　have　scorned　myself　for　a　passion　for　a　few　yards　of　lace；
velvet；　and　fine　lawn；　and　the　hairdresser's　feats　of　skill；　a　love　of
wax…lights；　a　carriage　and　a　title；　a　heraldic　coronet　painted　on
window　panes；　or　engraved　by　a　jeweler；　in　short；　a　liking　for　all
that　is　adventitious　and　least　woman　in　woman。　I　have　scorned　and
reasoned　with　myself；　but　all　in　vain。

〃A　woman　of　rank　with　her　subtle　smile；　her　high…born　air；　and　self…
esteem　captivates　me。　The　barriers　she　erects　between　herself　and　the
world　awaken　my　vanity；　a　good　half　of　love。　There　would　be　more
relish　for　me　in　bliss　that　all　others　envied。　If　my　mistress　does
nothing　that　other　women　do；　and　neither　lives　nor　conducts　herself
like　them；　wears　a　cloak　that　they　cannot　attain；　breathes　a　perfume
of　her　own；　then　she　seems　to　rise　far　above　me。　The　further　she　rises
from　earth；　even　in　the　earthlier　aspects　of　love；　the　fairer　she
becomes　for　me。

〃Luckily　for　me　we　have　had　no　queen　in　France　these　twenty　years；　for
I　should　have　fallen　in　love　with　her。　A　woman　must　be　wealthy　to
acquire　the　manners　of　a　princess。　What　place　had　Pauline　among　these
far…fetched　imaginings？　Could　she　bring　me　the　love　that　is　death；
that　brings　every　faculty　into　play；　the　nights　that　are　paid　for　by
life？　We　hardly　die；　I　think；　for　an　insignificant　girl　who　gives
herself　to　us；　and　I　could　never　extinguish　these　feelings　and　poet's
dreams　within　me。　I　was　born　for　an　inaccessible　love；　and　fortune　has
overtopped　my　desire。

〃How　often　have　I　set　satin　shoes　on　Pauline's　tiny　feet；　confined　her
form；　slender　as　a　young　poplar；　in　a　robe　of　gauze；　and　thrown　a
loose　scarf　about　her　as　I　saw　her　tread　the　carpets　in　her　mansion
and　led　her　out　to　her　splendid　carriage！　In　such　guise　I　should　have
adored　her。　I　endowed　her　with　all　the　pride　she　lacked；　stripped　her
of　her　virtues；　her　natural　simple　charm；　and　frank　smile；　in　order　to
plunge　her　heart　in　our　Styx　of　depravity　that　makes　invulnerable；
load　her　with　our　crimes；　make　of　her　the　fantastical　doll　of　our
drawing…rooms；　the　frail　being　who　lies　about　in　the　morning　and　comes
to　life　again　at　night　with　the　dawn　of　tapers。　Pauline　was　fresh…
hearted　and　affectionateI　would　have　had　her　cold　and　formal。

〃In　the　last　days　of　my　frantic　folly；　memory　brought　Pauline　before
me；　as　it　brings　the　scenes　of　our　childhood；　and　made　me　pause　to
muse　over　past　delicious　moments　that　softened　my　heart。　I　sometimes
saw　her；　the　adorable　girl　who　sat　quietly　sewing　at　my　table；　wrapped
in　her　meditations；　the　faint　light　from　my　window　fell　upon　her　and
was　reflected　back　in　silvery　rays　from　her　thick　black　hair；
sometimes　I　heard　her　young　laughter；　or　the　rich　tones　of　her　voice
singing　some　canzonet　that　she　composed　without　effort。　And　often　my
Pauline　seemed　to　grow　greater；　as　music　flowed　from　her；　and　her　face
bore　a　striking　resemblance　to　the　noble　one　that　Carlo　Dolci　chose
for　the　type　of　Italy。　My　cruel　memory　brought　her　back　athwart　the
dissipations　of　my　existence；　like　a　remorse；　or　a　symbol　of　purity。
But　let　us　leave　the　poor　child　to　her　own　fate。　Whatever　her　troubles
may　have　been；　at　any　rate　I　protected　her　from　a　menacing　tempestI
did　not　drag　her　down　into　my　hell。

〃Until　last　winter　I　led　the　uneventful　studious　life　of　which　I　have
given　you　some　faint　picture。　In　the　earliest　days　of　December　1829；　I
came　across　Rastignac；　who；　in　spite　of　the　shabby　condition　of　my
wardrobe；　linked　his　arm　in　mine；　and　inquired　into　my　affairs　with　a
quite　brotherly　interest。　Caught　by　his　engaging　manner；　I　gave　him　a
brief　account　of　my　life　and　hopes；　he　began　to　laugh；　and　treated　me
as　a　mixture　of　a　man　of　genius　and　a　fool。　His　Gascon　accent　and
knowledge　of　the　world；　the　easy　life　his　clever　management　procured
for　him；　all　produced　an　irresistible　effect　upon　me。　I　should　die　an
unrecognized　failure　in　a　hospital；　Rastignac　said；　and　be　buried　in　a
pauper's　grave。　He　talked　of　charlatanism。　Every　man　of　genius　was　a
charlatan；　he　plainly　showed　me　in　that　pleasant　way　of　his　that　makes
him　so　fascinating。　He　insisted　that　I　must　be　out　of　my　senses；　and
would　be　my　own　death；　if　I　lived　on　alone　in　the　Rue　des　Cordiers。
According　to　him；　I　ought　to　go　into　society；　to　accustom　people　to
the　sound　of　my　name；　and　to　rid　myself　of　the　simple　title　of
'monsieur'　which　sits　but　ill　on　a　great　man　in　his　lifetime。

〃　'Those　who　k