the history of john bull-第13节

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eep　off　importunate　duns。*

*　Some　attempts　to　destroy　the　public　credit　at　that　time。　　Manners　of　the　Earl　of　Oxford。

As　John　Bull　and　his　wife　were　talking　together　they　were　surprised　with　a　sudden　knocking　at　the　door。　　〃Those　wicked　scriveners　and　lawyers；　no　doubt；〃　quoth　John；　and　so　it　was；　some　asking　for　the　money　he　owed；　and　others　warning　to　prepare　for　the　approaching　term。　　〃What　a　cursed　life　do　I　lead！〃　quoth　John；　〃debt　is　like　deadly　sin。　　For　God's　sake；　Sir　Roger；　get　me　rid　of　the　fellows。〃　〃I'll　warrant　you；〃　quoth　Sir　Roger；　〃leave　them　to　me。〃　　And；　indeed；　it　was　pleasant　enough　to　observe　Sir　Roger's　method　with　these　importunate　duns。　　His　sincere　friendship　for　John　Bull　made　him　submit　to　many　things　for　his　service　which　he　would　have　scorned　to　have　done　for　himself。　　Sometimes　he　would　stand　at　the　door　with　his　long　staff　to　keep　off　the　duns；　until　John　got　out　at　the　back　door。　　When　the　lawyers　and　tradesmen　brought　extravagant　bills　Sir　Roger　used　to　bargain　beforehand　for　leave　to　cut　off　a　quarter　of　a　yard　in　any　part　of　the　bill　he　pleased；　he　wore　a　pair　of　scissors　in　his　pocket　for　this　purpose；　and　would　snip　it　off　so　nicely　as　you　cannot　imagine。　　Like　a　true　goldsmith　he　kept　all　your　holidays；　there　was　not　one　wanting　in　his　calendar；　when　ready　money　was　scarce；　he　would　set　them　a…telling　a　thousand　pounds　in　sixpences；　groats；　and　threepenny…pieces。　　It　would　have　done　your　heart　good　to　have　seen　him　charge　through　an　army　of　lawyers；　attorneys；　clerks；　and　tradesmen；　sometimes　with　sword　in　hand；　at　other　times　nuzzling　like　an　eel　in　the　mud。　　When　a　fellow　stuck　like　a　bur；　that　there　was　no　shaking　him　off；　he　used　to　be　mighty　inquisitive　about　the　health　of　his　uncles　and　aunts　in　the　country；　he　could　call　them　all　by　their　names；　for　he　knew　everybody；　and　could　talk　to　them　in　their　own　way。　　The　extremely　impertinent　he　would　send　away　to　see　some　strange　sight；　as　the　Dragon　of　Hockley　the　Hole；　or　bid　him　call　the　3Oth　of　next　February。　　Now　and　then　you　would　see　him　in　the　kitchen；　weighing　the　beef　and　butter；　paying　ready　money；　that　the　maids　might　not　run　a　tick　at　the　market；　and　the　butchers；　by　bribing　of　them；　sell　damaged　and　light　meat。*　　Another　time　he　would　slip　into　the　cellar　and　gauge　the　casks。　　In　his　leisure　minutes　he　was　posting　his　books　and　gathering　in　his　debts。　　Such　frugal　methods　were　necessary　where　money　was　so　scarce　and　duns　so　numerous。　　All　this　while　John　kept　his　credit；　could　show　his　head　both　at　'Change　and　Westminster　Hall；　no　man　protested　his　bill　nor　refused　his　bond；　only　the　sharpers　and　the　scriveners；　the　lawyers　and　other　clerks　pelted　Sir　Roger　as　he　went　along。　　The　squirters　were　at　it　with　their　kennel　water；　for　they　were　mad　for　the　loss　of　their　bubble；　and　that　they　could　not　get　him　to　mortgage　the　manor　of　Bullock's　Hatch。　　Sir　Roger　shook　his　ears　and　nuzzled　along；　well　satisfied　within　himself　that　he　was　doing　a　charitable　work　in　rescuing　an　honest　man　from　the　claws　of　harpies　and　bloodsuckers。　　Mrs。　Bull　did　all　that　an　affectionate　wife；　and　a　good　housewife；　could　do；　yet　the　boundaries　of　virtues　are　indivisible　lines。　　It　is　impossible　to　march　up　close　to　the　frontiers　of　frugality　without　entering　the　territories　of　parsimony。　　Your　good　housewives　are　apt　to　look　into　the　minutest　things；　therefore　some　blamed　Mrs。　Bull　for　new　heel…pieceing　of　her　shoes；　grudging　a　quarter　of　a　pound　of　soap　and　sand　to　scour　the　rooms**；　but；　especially；　that　she　would　not　allow　her　maids　and　apprentices　the　benefit　of　〃John　Bunyan；〃　the　〃London　Apprentices；〃　or　the　〃Seven　Champions；〃　in　the　black　letter。***

*　Some　regulations　as　to　the　purveyance　in　the　Queen's　family。　**　Too　great　savings　in　the　House　of　Commons。　***　Restraining　the　liberty　of　the　Press　by　Act　of　Parliament。



CHAPTER　VIII。　　A　continuation　of　the　conversation　betwixt　John　Bull　and　his　wife。

MRS。　BULL。It　is　a　most　sad　life　we　lead；　my　dear；　to　be　so　teazed；　paying　interest　for　old　debts；　and　still　contracting　new　ones。　However；　I　don't　blame　you　for　vindicating　your　honour　and　chastising　old　Lewis。　　To　curb　the　insolent；　protect　the　oppressed；　recover　one's　own；　and　defend　what　one　has；　are　good　effects　of　the　law。　　The　only　thing　I　want　to　know　is　how　you　came　to　make　an　end　of　your　money　before　you　finished　your　suit。

JOHN　BULL。I　was　told　by　the　learned　in　the　law　that　my　suit　stood　upon　three　firm　pillars：　　more　money　for　more　law；　more　law　for　more　money；　and　no　composition。　　More　money　for　more　law　was　plain　to　a　demonstration；　for　who　can　go　to　law　without　money？　and　it　was　plain　that　any　man　that　has　money　may　have　law　for　it。　　The　third　was　as　evident　as　the　other　two；　for　what　composition　could　be　made　with　a　rogue　that　never　kept　a　word　he　said？

MRS。　BULL。I　think　you　are　most　likely　to　get　out　of　this　labyrinth　by　the　second　door；　by　want　of　ready　money　to　purchase　this　precious　commodity。　　But　you　seem　not　only　to　have　bought　too　much　of　it；　but　have　paid　too　dear　for　what　you　bought；　else　how　was　it　possible　to　run　so　much　in　debt　when　at　this　very　time　the　yearly　income　of　what　is　mortgaged　to　those　usurers　would　discharge　Hocus's　bills；　and　give　you　your　bellyfull　of　law　for　all　your　life；　without　running　one　sixpence　in　debt？　　You　have　been　bred　up　to　business；　I　suppose　you　can　cypher；　I　wonder　you　never　used　your　pen　and　ink。

JOHN　BULL。Now　you　urge　me　too　far；　prithee；　dear　wife；　hold　thy　tongue。　　Suppose　a　young　heir；　heedless；　raw；　and　inexperienced；　full　of　spirit　and　vigour；　with　a　favourite　passion；　in　the　hands　of　money　scriveners。　　Such　fellows　are　like　your　wire…drawing　mills：　if　they　get　hold　of　a　man's　finger　they　will　pull　in　his　whole　body　at　last；　till　they　squeeze　the　heart；　blood；　and　guts　out　of　him。　When　I　wanted　money；　half　a　dozen　of　these　fellows　were　always　waiting　in　my　ante…chamber　with　their　securities　ready　drawn。*　　I　was　tempted　with　the　ready；　some　farm　or　other　went　to　pot。　　I　received　with　one　hand；　and　paid　it　away　with　the　other　to　lawyers　that；　like　so　many　hell　hounds；　were　ready　to　devour　me。　　Then　the　rogues　would　plead　poverty　and　scarcity　of　money；　which　always　ended　in　receiving　ninety　for　the　hundred。　　After　they　had　got　possession　of　my　best　rents　they　were　able　to　supply　me　with　my　own　money。　But；　what　was　worse；　when　I　looked　into　the　securities　there　was　no　clause　of　redemption。

*　Methods　of　preying　upon　the　necessities　of　the　Government。

MRS。　BULL。No　clause　of　redemption；　say　you？　　That's　hard。

JOHN　BULL。No　great　matter。　　For　I　cannot　pay　them。　　They　had　got　a　worse　trick　than　that。　　The　same　man　bought　and　sold　to　himself；　paid　the　money；　and　gave　the　acquittance；　the　same　man　was　butcher　and　grazier；　brewer　and　butler；　cook　and　poulterer。　　There　is　something　still　worse　than　all　this。　　There　came　twenty　bills　upon　me　at　once；　which　I　had　given　money　to　discharge。　　I　was　like　to　be　pulled　to　pieces　by　brewer；　butcher；　and　baker；　even　my　herb…woman　dunned　me　as　I　went　along　the　streets。　　Thanks　to　my　friend　Sir　Roger；　else　I　must　have　gone　to　jail。　　When　I　asked　the　meaning　of　this；　I　was　told　the　money　went　to　the　lawyers。　　〃Counsel　won't　tick；　sir。〃　　Hocus　was　urging；　my　book…keeper　sat　sotting　all　day；　playing　at　Put　and　All…fours。　　In　short；　by　griping　usurers；　devouring　lawyers；　and　negligent　servants　I　am　brought　to　this　pass。

MRS。　BULL。This　was　hard　usage。　　But　methinks　the　least　reflection　might　have　retrieved　you。

JOHN　BULL。'Tis　true；　yet　consider　my　circumstancesmy　honour　was　engaged；　and　I　did　not　know　how　to　get　out。　　Besides；　I　was　for　five　years　often　drunk；　always　muddled；　they　carried　me　from　tavern　to　tavern；　to　ale…houses　and　brandy…shops；　and　brought　me　acquainted　with　such　strange　dogs。　　〃There　goes　the　prettiest　fellow　in　the　world；〃　says　one；　〃for　managing　a　jury：　　make　him　yours。　　There's　another　can　pick　you　up　witnesses。　　Serjeant　such…a…one　has　a　silver　tongue　at　the　bar。〃*　　I　believe；　in　time　I　should　have　retained　every　single　person　within　the　Inns　of　Court。　　The　night　after　a　trial　I　treated　the　lawyers；　their　wives；　and　daughters；　with　fiddles；　hautboys；　drums；　and　trumpets。　　I　was　always　hot…headed。　Then　they　placed　me　in　the　middle；　the　attorneys　and　their　clerks　dancing　about　me；　whooping　and　holloing；　〃Long　live　John　Bull；　the　glory　and　support　of　the　law！〃

*　Hiring　still　more　troops。

MRS。　BULL。Really；　husband；　you　went　through　a　very　notable　course。

JOHN　BULL。One　of　the　things　that　first　alarmed　me　was　that　they　showed　a　spite　against　my　poor　old　mother。*　　〃Lord；〃　quoth　I；　〃what　makes　you　so　jealous　of　a　poor；　old；　innocent　gentlewoman；　that　minds　only　her　prayers　and　her　Practice　of　Piety？　　She　never　meddles　in　any　of　your　concerns。〃　　〃Fob；〃　say　they；　〃to　see　a　handsome；　brisk；　genteel　young　fellow　so　much　governed　by　a　doting　old　woman！　Do　you　consider　she　keeps　you　out　of　a　good　jointure？　　She　has　the　best　of　your　estate　settled　upon　her　for　a　rent…charge。　　Hang　her；　old　thief！　turn　her　out　of　doors；　seize　her　lands；　and　let　her　go　to　law　if　she　dares。〃　　〃Soft　and　fair；　gentlemen；〃　quoth　I；　〃my　mother's　my　mother；　our　family　are　not　of　an　unnatural　temper。　Though　I　don't　take　all　her　advice；　I　won't　s