treatises on friendship and old age-第8节

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any　make…believe　or　pretence　of　feeling；　for　the　open　display　even
of　dislike　is　more　becommg　to　an　ingenuous　character　than　a
studied　concealment　of　sentiment。　　Secondly；　he　will　not　only
reject　all　accusations　brought　against　his　friend　by　another；　but　he
will　not　be　suspicious　himself　either；　nor　be　always　thinking　that
his　friend　has　acted　improperly。　Besides　this；　there　should　be　a
certain　pleasantness　in　word　and　manner　which　adds　no　little
flavour　to　friendship。　A　gloomy　temper　and　unvarying　gravity
may　be　very　impressive；　but　friendship　should　be　a　little　less
unbending；　more　indulgent　and　gracious；　and　more　inclined　to　all
kinds　of　good…fellowship　and　good…nature。

19。　But　here　arises　a　question　of　some　little　difficulty。　Are　there
any　occasions　on　which；　assuming　their　worthiness；　we　should
prefer　new　to　old　friends；　just　as　we　prefer　young　to　aged　horses？　
The　answer　admits　of　no　doubt　whatever。　　For　there　should　be　no
satiety　in　friendship；　as　there　is　in　other　things。　The　older　the
sweeter；　as　in　wines　that　keep　well。　And　the　proverb　is　a　true　one；
〃You　must　eat　many　a　peck　of　salt　with　a　man　to　be　thorough
friends　with　him。〃　　Novelty；　indeed；　has　its　advantage；　which　we
must　not　despise。　　There　is　always　hope　of　fruit；　as　there　is　in
healthy　blades　of　corn。　　But　age　too　must　have　its　proper　position；
and；　in　fact；　the　influence　of　time　and　habit　is　very　great。　　To　recur
to　the　illustration　of　the　horse　which　I　have　just　now　used。　Every
one　likes　_ceteris　paribus_　to　use　the　horse　to　which　he　has　been
accustomed；　rather　than　one　that　is　untried　and　new。　And　it　is　not
only　in　the　case　of　a　living　thing　that　this　rule　holds　good；　but　in
inanimate　things　also；　for　we　like　places　where　we　have　lived　the
longest；　even　though　they　are　mountainous　and　covered　with
forest。　　But　here　is　another　golden　rule　in　friendship：　_put　yourself
on　a　level　with　your　friend_。　For　it　often　happens　that　there　are
certain　superiorities；　as　for　example　Scipio's　in　what　I　may　call　our
set。　Now　he　never　assumed　any　airs　of　superiority　over　Philus；　or
Rupilius；　or　Mummius；　or　over　friends　of　a　lower　rank　stilt。　　For
instance；　he　always　shewed　a　deference　to　his　brother　Quintus
Maximus　because　he　was　his　senior；　who；　though　a　man　no　doubt
of　eminent　character；　was　by　no　means　his　equal。　He　used　also　to
wish　that　all　his　friends　should　be　the　better　for　his　support。　　This
is　an　example　we　should　all　follow。　　If　any　of　us　have　any
advantage　in　personal　character；　intellect；　or　fortune；　we　should　be
ready　to　make　our　friends　sharers　and　partners　in　it　with　ourselves。　
For　instance；　if　their　parents　are　in　humble　circumstances；　if　their
relations　are　powerful　neither　in　intellect　nor　means；　we　should
supply　their　deficiencies　and　promote　their　rank　and　dignity。　You
know　the　legends　of　children　brought　up　as　servants　in　ignorance
of　their　parentage　and　family。　When　they　are　recognized　and
discovered　to　be　the　sons　of　gods　or　kings；　they　still　retain　their
affection　for　the　shepherds　whom　they　have　for　many　years　looked
upon　as　their　parents。　　Much　more　ought　this　to　be　so　in　the　case　of
real　and　undoubted　parents。　　For　the　advantages　of　genius　and
virtue；　and　in　short；of　every　kind　of　superiority；　are　never
realized　to　their　fullest　　extent　until　they　are　bestowed　upon　our
nearest　and　dearest。

20。　But　the　converse　must　also　be　observed。　　For　in　friendship　and
relationship；　just　as　those　who　possess　any　superiority　must　put
themselves　on　an　equal　footing　with　those　who　are　less　fortunate；
so　these　latter　must　not　be　annoyed　at　being　surpassed　in　genius；
fortune；　or　rank。　But　most　people　of　that　sort　are　forever　either
grumbling　at　something；　or　harping　on　their　claims；　and　especially
if　they　consider　that　they　have　services　of　their　own　to　allege
involving　zeal　and　friendship　and　some　trouble　to　themselves。
People　who　are　always　bringing　up　their　services　are　a　nuisance。
The　recipient　ought　to　remember　them；　the　performer　should　never
mention　them。　　In　the　case　of　friends；　then；　as　the　superior　are
bound　to　descend；　so　are　they　bound　in　a　certain　sense　to　raise
those　below　them。　　For　there　are　people　who　make　their　friendship
disagreeable　by　imagining　themselves　undervalued。　　This　generally
happens　only　to　those　who　think　that　they　deserve　to　be　so；　and
they　ought　to　be　shewn　by　deeds　as　well　as　by　words　the
groundlessness　of　their　opinion。　Now　the　measure　of　your　benefits
should　he　in　the　first　place　your　own　power　to　bestow；　and　in　the
second　place　the　capacity　to　bear　them　on　the　part　of　him　on　whom
you　are　bestowing　affection　and　help。　For；　however　great　your
personal　prestige　may　be；　you　cannot　raise　all　your　friends　to　the
highest　offices　of　the　State。　For　instance；　Scipio　was　able　to　make
Publius　Rupilius　consul；　but　not　his　brother　Lucius。　　But　granting
that　you　can　give　anyone　anything　you　choose；　you　must　have　a
care　that　it　does　not　prove　to　be　beyond　his　powers。　As　a　general
rule；　we　must　wait　to　make　up　our　mind　about　friendships　till
men's　characters　and　years　have　arrived　at　their　full　strength　and
development。　People　must　not；　for　instance；　regard　as　fast　friends
all　whom　in　their　youthful　enthusiasm　for　hunting　or　football　they
liked　for　having　the　same　tastes。　　By　that　rule；　if　it　were　a　mere
question　of　time；　no　one　would　have　such　claims　on　our　affections
as　nurses　and　slave…tutors。　　Not　that　they　are　to　be　neglected；　but
they　stand　on　a　different　ground。　　It　is　only　these　mature
friendships　that　can　be　permanent。　　For　difference　of　character
leads　to　difference　of　aims；　and　the　result　of　such　diversity　is　to
estrange　friends。　　The　sole　reason；　for　instance；　which　prevents
good　men　from　making　friends　with　bad；　or　bad　with　good；　is　that
the　divergence　of　their　characters　and　aims　is　the　greatest　possible。

Another　good　rule　in　friendship　is　this：　do　not　let　an　excessive
affection　hinder　the　highest　interests　of　your　friends。　　This　very
often　happens。　　I　will　go　again　to　the　region　of　fable　for　an
instance。　　Neoptolemus　could　never　have　taken　Troy　if　he　had
been　willing　to　listen　to　Lycomedes；　who　had　brought　him　up；　and
with　many　tears　tried　to　prevent　his　going　there。　　Again；　it　often
happens　that　important　business　makes　it　necessary　to　part　from
friends：　the　man　who　tries　to　baulk　it；　because　he　thinks　that　he
cannot　endure　the　separation；　is　of　a　weak　and　effeminate　nature；
and　on　that　very　account　makes　but　a　poor　friend。　　There　are；　of
course；　limits　to　what　you　ought　to　expect　from　a　friend　and　to
what　you　should　allow　him　to　demand　of　you。　And　these　you　must
take　into　calculation　in　every　case。

21。　Again；　there　is　such　a　disaster；　so　to　speak；　as　having　to　break
off　friendship。　　And　sometimes　it　is　one　we　cannot　avoid。　For　at
this　point　the　stream　of　our　discourse　is　leaving　the　intimacies　of
the　wise　and　touching　on　the　friendship　of　ordinary　people。　It　will
happen　at　times　that　an　outbreak　of　vicious　conduct　affects　either　a
man's　friends　themselves　or　strangers；　yet　the　discredit　falls　on　the
friends。　In　such　cases　friendships　should　be　allowed　to　die　out
gradually　by　an　intermission　of　intercourse。　　They　should；　as　I　have
been　told　that　Cato　used　to　say；　rather　be　unstitched　than　toni　in
twain；　unless；　indeed；　the　injurious　conduct　be　of　so　violent　and
outrageous　a　nature　as　to　make　an　instant　breach　and　separation
the　only　possible　course　consistent　with　honour　and　rectitude。　
Again；　if　a　change　in　character　and　aim　takes　place；　as　often
happens；　or　if　party　politics　produces　an　alienation　of　feeling　（I　am
now　speaking；　as　I　said　a　short　time　ago；　of　ordinary　friendships；
not　of　those　of　the　wise）；　we　shall　have　to　be　on　our　guard　against
appearing　to　embark　upon　active　enmity　while　we　only　mean　to
resign　a　friendship。　　For　there　can　be　nothing　more　discreditable
than　to　be　at　open　war　with　a　man　with　whom　you　have　been
intimate。　　Scipio；　as　you　are　aware；　had　abandoned　his　friendship
for　Quintus　Pompeius　on　my　account；　and　again；　from　differences
of　opinion　in　politics；　he　became　estranged　from　my　colleague
Metellus。　In　both　cases　he　acted　with　dignity　and　moderation；
shewing　that　he　was　offended　indeed；　but　without　Tancour。

Our　first　object；　then；　should　be　to　prevent　a　breach；　our　second；　to
secure　that；　if　it　does　occur；　our　friendship　should　seem　to　have
died　a　natural　rather　than　a　violent　death。　　Next；　we　should　take
care　that　friendship　is　not　converted　into　active　hostility；　from
which　flow　personal　quarrels；　　abusive　　language；　　and　　angry　
recriminations。　These　last；　however；　provided　that　they　do　not　pass
all　reasonable　limits　of　forbearance；　we　ought　to　put　up　with；　and；
in　compliment　to　an　old　friendship；　allow　the　party　that　inflicts　the
injury；　not　the　one　that　submits　to　it；　to　be　in　the　wrong。　Generally
speaking；　there　is　but　one　way　of　securing　and　providing　oneself
against　faults　and　inconveniences　of　this　sort…not　to　be　too　hasty　in
bestowing　our　affection；　and　not　to　bestow　it　at　all　on　unworthy
objects。

Now；　by　〃worthy　of　friendship〃　I　mean　those　who　have　in
themselves　the　qualities　which　attract　affection。　This　sort　of　man　is
rare；　and　indeed　all　excellen