stage-land-第9节

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take　him　to　one　of　these　and　not　to　tell　his　wife。

We　inquired　of　a　policeman　and　found　that　there　really　were　such
places；　and　we　took　him　into　one。

The　first　thing　we　saw　were　two　little　boys　doing　tricks　on　a
horizontal　bar。

Our　friend　was　about　to　repeat　his　customary　programme　of　flying　and
cursing；　but　we　restrained　him。　　We　assured　him　that　he　would　really
see　a　grown…up　person　if　he　waited　a　bit；　so　he　sat　out　the　boys　and
also　their　little　sister　on　a　bicycle　and　waited　for　the　next　item。

It　turned　out　to　be　an　infant　phenomenon　who　sang　and　danced　in
fourteen　different　costumes；　and　we　once　more　fled。

Our　friend　said　he　could　not　go　home　in　the　state　he　was　then；　he　felt
sure　he　should　kill　the　twins　if　he　did。　　He　pondered　for　awhile；　and
then　he　thought　he　would　go　and　hear　some　music。　　He　said　he　thought　a
little　music　would　soothe　and　ennoble　himmake　him　feel　more　like　a
Christian　than　he　did　at　that　precise　moment。

We　were　near　St。　James'　Hall；　so　we　went　in　there。

The　hall　was　densely　crowded；　and　we　had　great　difficulty　in　forcing
our　way　to　our　seats。　　We　reached　them　at　length；　and　then　turned　our
eyes　toward　the　orchestra。

〃The　marvelous　boy　pianistonly　ten　years　old！〃　was　giving　a　recital。

Then　our　friend　rose　and　said　he　thought　be　would　give　it　up　and　go
home。

We　asked　him　if　he　would　like　to　try　any　other　place　of　amusement；　but
he　said　〃No。〃　　He　said　that　when　you　came　to　think　of　it；　it　seemed　a
waste　of　money　for　a　man　with　eleven　children　of　his　own　to　go　about
to　places　of　entertainment　nowadays。



THE　COMIC　LOVERS。

Oh；　they　are　funny！　　The　comic　lovers'　mission　in　life　is　to　serve　as
a　sort　of　〃relief〃　to　the　misery　caused　the　audience　by　the　other
characters　in　the　play；　and　all　that　is　wanted　now　is　something　that
will　be　a　relief　to　the　comic　lovers。

They　have　nothing　to　do　with　the　play；　but　they　come　on　immediately
after　anything　very　sad　has　happened　and　make　love。　　This　is　why　we
watch　sad　scenes　on　the　stage　with　such　patience。　　We　are　not　eager
for　them　to　be　got　over。　　Maybe　they　are　very　uninteresting　scenes；　as
well　as　sad　ones；　and　they　make　us　yawn；　but　we　have　no　desire　to　see
them　hurried　through。　　The　longer　they　take　the　better　pleased　we　are：
we　know　that　when　they　are　finished　the　comic　lovers　will　come　on。

They　are　always　very　rude　to　each　other；　the　comic　lovers。　　Everybody
is　more　or　less　rude　and　insulting　to　every　body　else　on　the　stage；
they　call　it　repartee　there！　　We　tried　the　effect　of　a　little　stage
〃repartee〃　once　upon　some　people　in　real　life；　and　we　wished　we　hadn't
afterward。　　It　was　too　subtle　for　them。　　They　summoned　us　before　a
magistrate　for　〃using　language　calculated　to　cause　a　breach　of　the
peace。〃　　We　were　fined　2　pounds　and　costs！

They　are　more　lenient　to　〃wit　and　humor〃　on　the　stage；　and　know　how　to
encourage　the　art　of　vituperation。　　But　the　comic　lovers　carry　the
practice　almost　to　excess。　　They　are　more　than　rudethey　are　abusive。
They　insult　each　other　from　morning　to　night。　　What　their　married　life
will　be　like　we　shudder　to　think！

In　the　various　slanging　matches　and　bullyragging　competitions　which
form　their　courtship　it　is　always　the　maiden　that　is　most　successful。
Against　her　merry　flow　of　invective　and　her　girlish　wealth　of
offensive　personalities　the　insolence　and　abuse　of　her　boyish　adorer
cannot　stand　for　one　moment。

To　give　an　idea　of　how　the　comic　lovers　woo；　we　perhaps　cannot　do
better　than　subjoin　the　following　brief　example：

　　　　　_SCENE：　　Main　thoroughfare　in　populous　district　of　London。　　Time：
　　　　　Noon。　　Not　a　soul　to　be　seen　anywhere。_
　　　　　
　　　　　_Enter　comic　loveress　R。；　walking　in　the　middle　of　the　road。_
　　　　　
　　　　　_Enter　comic　lover　L。；　also　walking　in　the　middle　of　the　road。_
　　　　　
　　　　　_They　neither　see　the　other　until　they　bump　against　each　other　in
　　　　　the　center。_
　　　　　
HE。　　Why；　Jane！　　Who'd　a'　thought　o'　meeting　you　here！

SHE。　　You　evidently　didn'tstoopid！

HE。　　Halloo！　got　out　o'　bed　the　wrong　side　again？　　I　say；　Jane；　if　you
go　on　like　that　you'll　never　get　a　man　to　marry　you。

SHE。　　So　I　thought　when　I　engaged　myself　to　you。

HE。　　Oh！　come；　Jane；　don't　be　hard。

SHE。　　Well；　one　of　us　must　be　hard。　　You're　soft　enough。

HE。　　Yes；　I　shouldn't　want　to　marry　you　if　I　weren't。　　Ha！　ha！　ha！

SHE。　　Oh；　you　gibbering　idiot！　　（_Said　archly。_）

HE。　　So　glad　I　am。　　We　shall　make　a　capital　match　（_attempts　to　kiss
her_）。

SHE　（_slipping　away_）。　　Yes；　and　you'll　find　I'm　a　match　that　can
strike　（_fetches　him　a　violent　blow　over　the　side　if　the　head_）。

HE　（_holding　his　jawin　a　literal　sense；　we　mean_）。　　I　can't　help
feeling　smitten　by　her。

SHE。　　Yes；　I'm　a　bit　of　a　spanker；　ain't　I？

HE。　　Spanker。　　I　call　you　a　regular　stunner。　　You've　nearly　made　me
silly。

SHE　（_laughing　playfully_）。　　No；　nature　did　that　for　you；　Joe；　long
ago。

HE。　　Ah；　well；　you've　made　me　smart　enough　now；　you　boss…eyed　old　cow；
you！

SHE。　　Cow！　am　I？　　Ah；　I　suppose　that's　what　makes　me　so　fond　of　a
calf；　you　German　sausage　on　legs！　　You

HE。　　Go　along。　　Your　mother　brought　you　up　on　sour　milk。

SHE。　　Yah！　　They　weaned　you　on　thistles；　didn't　they？

And　so　on；　with　such　like　badinage　do　they　hang　about　in　the　middle　of
that　road；　showering　derision　and　contumely　upon　each　other　for　full
ten　minutes；　when；　with　one　culminating　burst　of　mutual　abuse；　they　go
off　together　fighting　and　the　street　is　left　once　more　deserted。

It　is　very　curious；　by　the　bye；　how　deserted　all　public　places　become
whenever　a　stage　character　is　about。　　It　would　seem　as　though　ordinary
citizens　sought　to　avoid　them。　　We　have　known　a　couple　of　stage
villains　to　have　Waterloo　Bridge；　Lancaster　Place；　and　a　bit　of　the
Strand　entirely　to　themselves　for　nearly　a　quarter　of　an　hour　on　a
summer's　afternoon　while　they　plotted　a　most　diabolical　outrage。

As　for　Trafalgar　Square；　the　hero　always　chooses　that　spot　when　he
wants　to　get　away　from　the　busy　crowd　and　commune　in　solitude　with　his
own　bitter　thoughts；　and　the　good　old　lawyer　leaves　his　office　and
goes　there　to　discuss　any　very　delicate　business　over　which　he
particularly　does　not　wish　to　be　disturbed。

And　they　all　make　speeches　there　to　an　extent　sufficient　to　have
turned　the　hair　of　the　late　lamented　Sir　Charles　Warren　White　with
horror。　　But　it　is　all　right；　because　there　is　nobody　near　to　hear
them。　　As　far　as　the　eye　can　reach；　not　a　living　thing　is　to　be　seen。
Northumberland　Avenue；　the　Strand；　and　St。　Martin's　Lane　are　simply　a
wilderness。　　The　only　sign　of　life　about　is　a　'bus　at　the　top　of
Whitehall；　and　it　appears　to　be　blocked。

How　it　has　managed　to　get　blocked　we　cannot　say。　　It　has　the　whole
road　to　itself；　and　is；　in　fact；　itself　the　only　traffic　for　miles
round。　　Yet　there　it　sticks　for　hours。　　The　police　make　no　attempt　to
move　it　on　and　the　passengers　seem　quite　contented。

The　Thames　Embankment　is　an　even　still　more　lonesome　and　desolate
part。　　Wounded　（stage）　spirits　fly　from　the　haunts　of　men　and；　leaving
the　hard；　cold　world　far；　far　behind　them；　go　and　die　in　peace　on　the
Thames　Embankment。　　And　other　wanderers；　finding　their　skeletons
afterward；　bury　them　there　and　put　up　rude　crosses　over　the　graves　to
mark　the　spot。

The　comic　lovers　are　often　very　young；　and　when　people　on　the　stage
are　young　they　_are_　young。　　He　is　supposed　to　be　about　sixteen　and
she　is　fifteen。　　But　they　both　talk　as　if　they　were　not　more　than
seven。

In　real　life　〃boys〃　of　sixteen　know　a　thing　or　two；　we　have　generally
found。　　The　average　〃boy〃　of　sixteen　nowadays　usually　smokes　cavendish
and　does　a　little　on　the　Stock　Exchange　or　makes　a　book；　and　as　for
love！　he　has　quite　got　over　it　by　that　age。　　On　the　stage；　however；
the　new…born　babe　is　not　in　it　for　innocence　with　the　boy　lover　of
sixteen。

So；　too；　with　the　maiden。　　Most　girls　of　fifteen　off　the　stage；　so　our
experience　goes；　know　as　much　as　there　is　any　actual　necessity　for
them　to　know；　Mr。　Gilbert　notwithstanding；　but　when　we　see　a　young
lady　of　fifteen　on　the　stage　we　wonder　where　her　cradle　is。

The　comic　lovers　do　not　have　the　facilities　for　love…making　that　the
hero　and　heroine　do。　　The　hero　and　heroine　have　big　rooms　to　make　love
in；　with　a　fire　and　plenty　of　easy…chairs；　so　that　they　can　sit　about
in　picturesque　attitudes　and　do　it　comfortably。　　Or　if　they　want　to　do
it　out　of　doors　they　have　a　ruined　abbey；　with　a　big　stone　seat　in　the
center；　and　moonlight。

The　comic　lovers；　on　the　other　hand；　have　to　do　it　standing　up　all　the
time；　in　busy　streets；　or　in　cheerless…looking　and　curiously　narrow
rooms　in　which　there　is　no　furniture　whatever　and　no　fire。

And　there　is　always　a　tremendous　row　going　on　in　the　house　when　the
comic　lovers　are　making　love。　　Somebody　always　seems　to　be　putting　up
pictures　in　the　next　room；　and　putting　them　up　boisterously；　too；　so
that　the　comic　lovers　have　to　shout　at　each　other。



THE　PEASANTS。

They　are　so　clean。　　We　have　seen　peasantry　off　the　stage；　and　it　has
presented　an　untidyoccasionally　a　disreputable　and
unwashedappearance；　but　the　stage　peasant　seems　to　spend　all　his
wages　on　soap　and　hair…oil。

They　are　always　round　t