stage-land-第7节

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ourselves　in　precisely　the　same　way。

There　is　a　good　deal　to　be　said　in　favor　of　the　adventuress。　　True；
she　possesses　rather　too　much　sarcasm　and　repartee　to　make　things
quite　agreeable　round　the　domestic　hearth；　and　when　she　has　got　all
her　clothes　on　there　is　not　much　room　left　in　the　place　for　anybody
else；　but　taken　on　the　whole　she　is　decidedly　attractive。　　She　has
grit　and　go　in　her。　　She　is　alive。　　She　can　do　something　to　help
herself　besides　calling　for　〃George。〃

She　has　not　got　a　stage　childif　she　ever　had　one；　she　has　left　it　on
somebody　else's　doorstep　which；　presuming　there　was　no　water　handy　to
drown　it　in；　seems　to　be　about　the　most　sensible　thing　she　could　have
done　with　it。　　She　is　not　oppressively　good。

She　never　wants　to　be　〃unhanded〃　or　〃let　to　pass。〃

She　is　not　always　being　shocked　or　insulted　by　people　telling　her　that
they　love　her；　she　does　not　seem　to　mind　it　if　they　do。　　She　is　not
always　fainting；　and　crying；　and　sobbing；　and　wailing；　and　moaning；
like　the　good　people　in　the　play　are。

Oh；　they　do　have　an　unhappy　time　of　itthe　good　people　in　plays！
Then　she　is　the　only　person　in　the　piece　who　can　sit　on　the　comic　man。

We　sometimes　think　it　would　be　a　fortunate　thingfor　himif　they
allowed　her　to　marry　and　settle　down　quietly　with　the　hero。　　She　might
make　a　man　of　him　in　time。



THE　SERVANT…GIRL。

There　are　two　types　of　servant…girl　to　be　met　with　on　the　stage。　　This
is　an　unusual　allowance　for　one　profession。

There　is　the　lodging…house　slavey。　　She　has　a　good　heart　and　a　smutty
face　and　is　always　dressed　according　to　the　latest　fashion　in
scarecrows。　　Her　leading　occupation　is　the　cleaning　of　boots。　　She
cleans　boots　all　over　the　house；　at　all　hours　of　the　day。　　She　comes
and　sits　down　on　the　hero's　breakfast…table　and　cleans　them　over　the
poor　fellow's　food。　　She　comes　into　the　drawing…room　cleaning　boots。

She　has　her　own　method　of　cleaning　them；　too。　　She　rubs　off　the　mud；
puts　on　the　blacking；　and　polishes　up　all　with　the　same　brush。　　They
take　an　enormous　amount　of　polishing。　　She　seems　to　do　nothing　else
all　day　long　but　walk　about　shining　one　boot；　and　she　breathes　on　it
and　rubs　it　till　you　wonder　there　is　any　leather　left；　yet　it　never
seems　to　get　any　brighter；　nor；　indeed；　can　you　expect　it　to；　for　when
you　look　close　you　see　it　is　a　patent…leather　boot　that　she　has　been
throwing　herself　away　upon　all　this　time。

Somebody　has　been　having　a　lark　with　the　poor　girl。

The　lodging…house　slavey　brushes　her　hair　with　the　boot　brush　and
blacks　the　end　of　her　nose　with　it。

We　were　acquainted　with　a　lodging…house　slavey　oncea　real　one；　we
mean。　　She　was　the　handmaiden　at　a　house　in　Bloomsbury　where　we　once
hung　out。　　She　was　untidy　in　her　dress；　it　is　true；　but　she　had　not
quite　that　castaway　and　gone…to…sleep…in…a…dust…bin　appearance　that
we；　an　earnest　student　of　the　drama；　felt　she　ought　to　present；　and　we
questioned　her　one　day　on　the　subject。

〃How　is　it；　Sophronia；〃　we　said；　〃that　you　distantly　resemble　a　human
being　instead　of　giving　one　the　idea　of　an　animated　rag…shop？　　Don't
you　ever　polish　your　nose　with　the　blacking…brush；　or　rub　coal　into
your　head；　or　wash　your　face　in　treacle；　or　put　skewers　into　your
hair；　or　anything　of　that　sort；　like　they　do　on　the　stage？〃

She　said：　　〃Lord　love　you；　what　should　I　want　to　go　and　be　a　bally
idiot　like　that　for？〃

And　we　have　not　liked　to　put　the　question　elsewhere　since　then。

The　other　type　of　servant…girl　on　the　stagethe　villa
servant…girlis　a　very　different　personage。　　She　is　a　fetching　little
thing；　dresses　bewitchingly；　and　is　always　clean。　　Her　duties　are　to
dust　the　legs　of　the　chairs　in　the　drawing…room。　　That　is　the　only
work　she　ever　has　to　do；　but　it　must　be　confessed　she　does　that
thoroughly。　　She　never　comes　into　the　room　without　dusting　the　legs　of
these　chairs；　and　she　dusts　them　again　before　she　goes　out。

If　anything　ought　to　be　free　from　dust　in　a　stage　house；　it　should　be
the　legs　of　the　drawing…room　chairs。

She　is　going　to　marry　the　man…servant；　is　the　stage　servant…girl；　as
soon　as　they　have　saved　up　sufficient　out　of　their　wages　to　buy　a
hotel。　　They　think　they　will　like　to　keep　a　hotel。　　They　don't
understand　a　bit　about　the　business；　which　we　believe　is　a　complicated
one；　but　this　does　not　trouble　them　in　the　least。

They　quarrel　a　good　deal　over　their　love…making；　do　the　stage
servant…girl　and　her　young　man；　and　they　always　come　into　the
drawing…room　to　do　it。　　They　have　got　the　kitchen；　and　there　is　the
garden　（with　a　fountain　and　mountains　in　the　backgroundyou　can　see
it　through　the　window）；　but　no！　no　place　in　or　about　the　house　is　good
enough　for　them　to　quarrel　in　except　the　drawing…room。　　They　quarrel
there　so　vigorously　that　it　even　interferes　with　the　dusting　of　the
chair…legs。

She　ought　not　to　be　long　in　saving　up　sufficient　to　marry　on；　for　the
generosity　of　people　on　the　stage　to　the　servants　there　makes　one
seriously　consider　the　advisability　of　ignoring　the　unremunerative
professions　of　ordinary　life　and　starting　a　new　and　more　promising
career　as　a　stage　servant。

No　one　ever　dreams　of　tipping　the　stage　servant　with　less　than　a
sovereign　when　they　ask　her　if　her　mistress　is　at　home　or　give　her　a
letter　to　post；　and　there　is　quite　a　rush　at　the　end　of　the　piece　to
stuff　five…pound　notes　into　her　hand。　　The　good　old　man　gives　her　ten。

The　stage　servant　is　very　impudent　to　her　mistress；　and　the　masterhe
falls　in　love　with　her　and　it　does　upset　the　house　so。

Sometimes　the　servant…girl　is　good　and　faithful；　and　then　she　is
Irish。　　All　good　servant…girls　on　the　stage　are　Irish。

All　the　male　visitors　are　expected　to　kiss　the　stage　servant…girl　when
they　come　into　the　house；　and　to　dig　her　in　the　ribs　and　to　say：　　〃Do
you　know；　Jane；　I　think　you're　an　uncommonly　nice　girlclick。〃　　They
always　say　this；　and　she　likes　it。

Many　years　ago；　when　we　were　young；　we　thought　we　would　see　if　things
were　the　same　off　the　stage；　and　the　next　time　we　called　at　a　certain
friend's　house　we　tried　this　business　on。

She　wasn't　quite　so　dazzlingly　beautiful　as　they　are　on　the　stage；　but
we　passed　that。　　She　showed　us　up　into　the　drawing…room；　and　then　said
she　would　go　and　tell　her　mistress　we　were　there。

We　felt　this　was　the　time　to　begin。　　We　skipped　between　her　and　the
door。　　We　held　our　hat　in　front　of　us；　cocked　our　head　on　one　side；
and　said：　　〃Don't　go！　don't　go！〃

The　girl　seemed　alarmed。　　We　began　to　get　a　little　nervous　ourselves；
but　we　had　begun　it　and　we　meant　to　go　through　with　it。

We　said；　〃Do　you　know；　Jane〃　（her　name　wasn't　Jane；　but　that　wasn't
our　fault）；　〃do　you　know；　Jane；　I　think　you're　an　uncommonly　nice
girl；〃　and　we　said　〃click；〃　and　dug　her　in　the　ribs　with　our　elbow；
and　then　chucked　her　under　the　chin。　　The　whole　thing　seemed　to　fall
flat。　　There　was　nobody　there　to　laugh　or　applaud。　　We　wished　we
hadn't　done　it。　　It　seemed　stupid　when　you　came　to　think　of　it。　　We
began　to　feel　frightened。　　The　business　wasn't　going　as　we　expected；
but　we　screwed　up　our　courage　and　went　on。

We　put　on　the　customary　expression　of　comic　imbecility　and　beckoned
the　girl　to　us。　　We　have　never　seen　this　fail　on　the　stage。

But　this　girl　seemed　made　wrong。　　She　got　behind　the　sofa　and　screamed
〃Help！〃

We　have　never　known　them　to　do　this　on　the　stage；　and　it　threw　us　out
in　our　plans。　　We　did　not　know　exactly　what　to　do。　　We　regretted　that
we　had　ever　begun　this　job　and　heartily　wished　ourselves　out　of　it。
But　it　appeared　foolish　to　pause　then；　when　we　were　more　than　half…way
through；　and　we　made　a　rush　to　get　it　over。

We　chivvied　the　girl　round　the　sofa　and　caught　her　near　the　door　and
kissed　her。　　She　scratched　our　face；　yelled　police；　murder；　and　fire；
and　fled　from　the　room。

Our　friend　came　in　almost　immediately。　　He　said：

〃I　say；　J。；　old　man；　are　you　drunk？〃

We　told　him　no；　that　we　were　only　a　student　of　the　drama。　　His　wife
then　entered　in　a　towering　passion。　　She　didn't　ask　us　if　we　were
drunk。　　She　said：

〃How　dare　you　come　here　in　this　state！〃

We　endeavored　unsuccessfully　to　induce　her　to　believe　that　we　were
sober；　and　we　explained　that　our　course　of　conduct　was　what　was　always
pursued　on　the　stage。

She　said　she　didn't　care　what　was　done　on　the　stage；　it　wasn't　going
to　be　pursued　in　her　house；　and　that　if　her　husband's　friends　couldn't
behave　as　gentlemen　they　had　better　stop　away。

The　following　morning　we　received　a　letter　from　a　firm　of　solicitors
in　Lincoln's　Inn　with　reference；　so　they　put　it；　to　the　brutal　and
unprovoked　assault　committed　by　us　on　the　previous　afternoon　upon　the
person　of　their　client；　Miss　Matilda　Hemmings。　　The　letter　stated　that
we　had　punched　Miss　Hemmings　in　the　side；　struck　her　under　the　chin；
and　afterward；　seizing　her　as　she　was　leaving　the　room；　proceeded　to
commit　a　gross　assault；　into　the　particulars　of　which　it　was　needless
for　them　to　enter　at　greater　length。

It　added　that　if　we　were　prepared　to　render　an　ample　written　apology
and　to　pay　50　pounds　compensation；　they　would　advise　their　client；
Miss　Matilda　Hemmings；　to　allow　the　matter　to　drop；　otherwise　criminal
proceedings　would　at　o