stage-land-第6节

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is　always　the　badge　of　infamy。

In　real　life　the　cigarette　is　usually　the　hall…mark　of　the
particularly　mild　and　harmless　individual。　　It　is　the　dissipation　of
the　Y。M。C。A。；　the　innocent　joy　of　the　pure…hearted　boy　long　ere　the
demoralizing　influence　of　our　vaunted　civilization　has　dragged　him
down　into　the　depths　of　the　short　clay。

But　behind　the　cigarette　on　the　stage　lurks　ever　black…hearted
villainy　and　abandoned　womanhood。

The　adventuress　is　generally　of　foreign　extraction。　　They　do　not　make
bad　women　in　Englandthe　article　is　entirely　of　continental
manufacture　and　has　to　be　imported。　　She　speaks　English　with　a
charming　little　French　accent；　and　she　makes　up　for　this　by　speaking
French　with　a　good　sound　English　one。

She　seems　a　smart　business　woman；　and　she　would　probably　get　on　very
well　if　it　were　not　for　her　friends　and　relations。　　Friends　and
relations　are　a　trying　class　of　people　even　in　real　life；　as　we　all
know；　but　the　friends　and　relations　of　the　stage　adventuress　are　a
particularly　irritating　lot。　　They　never　leave　her；　never　does　she　get
a　day　or　an　hour　off　from　them。　　Wherever　she　goes；　there　the　whole
tribe　goes　with　her。

They　all　go　with　her　in　a　body　when　she　calls　on　her　young　man；　and　it
is　as　much　as　she　can　do　to　persuade　them　to　go　into　the　next　room
even　for　five　minutes；　and　give　her　a　chance。　　When　she　is　married
they　come　and　live　with　her。

They　know　her　dreadful　secret　and　it　keeps　them　in　comfort　for　years。
Knowing　somebody's　secret　seems；　on　the　stage；　to　be　one　of　the　most
profitable　and　least　exhausting　professions　going。

She　is　fond　of　married　life；　is　the　adventuress；　and　she　goes　in　for
it　pretty　extensively。　　She　has　husbands　all　over　the　globe；　most　of
them　in　prison；　but　they　escape　and　turn　up　in　the　last　act　and　spoil
all　the　poor　girl's　plans。　　That　is　so　like　husbandsno
consideration；　no　thought　for　their　poor　wives。　　They　are　not　a
prepossessing　lot；　either；　those　early　husbands　of　hers。　　What　she
could　have　seen　in　them　to　induce　her　to　marry　them　is　indeed　a
mystery。

The　adventuress　dresses　magnificently。　　Where　she　gets　the　money　from
we　never　could　understand；　for　she　and　her　companions　are　always　more
or　less　complaining　of　being　〃stone　broke。〃　　Dressmakers　must　be　a
trusting　people　where　she　comes　from。

The　adventuress　is　like　the　proverbial　cat　as　regards　the　number　of
lives　she　is　possessed　of。　　You　never　know　when　she　is　really　dead。
Most　people　like　to　die　once　and　have　done　with　it；　but　the
adventuress；　after　once　or　twice　trying　it；　seems　to　get　quite　to　like
it；　and　goes　on　giving　way　to　it；　and　then　it　grows　upon　her　until　she
can't　help　herself；　and　it　becomes　a　sort　of　craving　with　her。

This　habit　of　hers　is；　however；　a　very　trying　one　for　her　friends　and
husbandsit　makes　things　so　uncertain。　　Something　ought　to　be　done　to
break　her　of　it。　　Her　husbands；　on　hearing　that　she　is　dead；　go　into
raptures　and　rush　off　and　marry　other　people；　and　then　just　as　they
are　starting　off　on　their　new　honeymoon　up　she　crops　again；　as　fresh
as　paint。　　It　is　really　most　annoying。

For　ourselves；　were　we　the　husband　of　a　stage　adventuress　we　should
never；　after　what　we　have　seen　of　the　species；　feel　quite　justified　in
believing　her　to　be　dead　unless　we　had　killed　and　buried　her
ourselves；　and　even　then　we　should　be　more　easy　in　our　minds　if　we
could　arrange　to　sit　on　her　grave　for　a　week　or　so　afterward。　　These
women　are　so　artful！

But　it　is　not　only　the　adventuress　who　will　persist　in　coming　to　life
again　every　time　she　is　slaughtered。　　They　all　do　it　on　the　stage。
They　are　all　so　unreliable　in　this　respect。　　It　must　be　most
disheartening　to　the　murderers。

And　then；　again；　it　is　something　extraordinary；　when　you　come　to　think
of　it；　what　a　tremendous　amount　of　killing　some　of　them　can　stand　and
still　come　up　smiling　in　the　next　act；　not　a　penny　the　worse　for　it。
They　get　stabbed；　and　shot；　and　thrown　over　precipices　thousands　of
feet　high　and；　bless　you；　it　does　them　goodit　is　like　a　tonic　to
them。

As　for　the　young　man　that　is　coming　home　to　see　his　girl；　you　simply
can't　kill　him。　　Achilles　was　a　summer　rose　compared　with　him。　　Nature
and　mankind　have　not　sufficient　materials　in　hand　as　yet　to　kill　that
man。　　Science　has　but　the　strength　of　a　puling　babe　against　his
invulnerability。　　You　can　waste　your　time　on　earthquakes　and
shipwrecks；　volcanic　eruptions；　floods；　explosions；　railway　accidents；
and　such　like　sort　of　things；　if　you　are　foolish　enough　to　do　so；　but
it　is　no　good　your　imagining　that　anything　of　the　kind　can　hurt　him；
because　it　can't。

There　will　be　thousands　of　people　killed；　thousands　in　each　instance；
but　one　human　being　will　always　escape；　and　that　one　human　being　will
be　the　stage　young　man　who　is　coming　home　to　see　his　girl。

He　is　forever　being　reported　as　dead；　but　it　always　turns　out　to　be
another　fellow　who　was　like　him　or　who　had　on　his　（the　young　man's）
hat。　　He　is　bound　to　be　out　of　it；　whoever　else　may　be　in。

〃If　I　had　been　at　my　post　that　day；〃　he　explains　to　his　sobbing
mother；　〃I　should　have　been　blown　up；　but　the　Providence　that　watches
over　good　men　had　ordained　that　I　should　be　laying　blind　drunk　in
Blogg's　saloon　at　the　time　the　explosion　took　place；　and　so　the　other
engineer；　who　had　been　doing　my　work　when　it　was　his　turn　to　be　off；
was　killed　along　with　the　whole　of　the　crew。〃

〃Ah；　thank　Heaven；　thank　Heaven　for　that！〃　ejaculates　the　pious　old
lady；　and　the　comic　man　is　so　overcome　with　devout　joy　that　he　has　to
relieve　his　overstrained　heart　by　drawing　his　young　woman　on　one　side
and　grossly　insulting　her。

All　attempts　to　kill　this　young　man　ought　really　to　be　given　up　now。
The　job　has　been　tried　over　and　over　again　by　villains　and　bad　people
of　all　kinds；　but　no　one　has　ever　succeeded。　　There　has　been　an　amount
of　energy　and　ingenuity　expended　in　seeking　to　lay　up　that　one　man
which；　properly　utilized；　might　have　finished　off　ten　million　ordinary
mortals。　　It　is　sad　to　think　of　so　much　wasted　effort。

He；　the　young　man　coming　home　to　see　his　girl；　need　never　take　an
insurance　ticket　or　even　buy　a　_Tit　Bits_。　　It　would　be　needless
expenditure　in　his　case。

On　the　other　hand；　and　to　make　matters　equal；　as　it　were；　there　are
some　stage　people　so　delicate　that　it　is　next　door　to　impossible　to
keep　them　alive。

The　inconvenient　husband　is　a　most　pathetic　example　of　this。　　Medical
science　is　powerless　to　save　that　man　when　the　last　act　comes　round；
indeed；　we　doubt　whether　medical　science；　in　its　present　state　of
development；　could　even　tell　what　is　the　matter　with　him　or　why　he
dies　at　all。　　He　looks　healthy　and　robust　enough　and　nobody　touches
him；　yet　down　he　drops；　without　a　word　of　warning；　stone…dead；　in　the
middle　of　the　floorhe　always　dies　in　the　middle　of　the　floor。　　Some
folks　like　to　die　in　bed；　but　stage　people　don't。　　They　like　to　die　on
the　floor。　　We　all　have　our　different　tastes。

The　adventuress　herself　is　another　person　who　dies　with　remarkable
ease。　　We　suppose　in　her　case　it　is　being　so　used　to　it　that　makes　her
so　quick　and　clever　at　it。　　There　is　no　lingering　illness　and　doctors'
bills　and　upsetting　of　the　whole　household　arrangements　about　her
method。　　One　walk　round　the　stage　and　the　thing　is　done。

All　bad　characters　die　quickly　on　the　stage。　　Good　characters　take　a
long　time　over　it；　and　have　a　sofa　down　in　the　drawing…room　to　do　it
on；　and　have　sobbing　relatives　and　good　old　doctors　fooling　around
them；　and　can　smile　and　forgive　everybody。　　Bad　stage　characters　have
to　do　the　whole　job；　dying　speech　and　all；　in　about　ten　seconds；　and
do　it　with　all　their　clothes　on　into　the　bargain；　which　must　make　it
most　uncomfortable。

It　is　repentance　that　kills　off　the　bad　people　in　plays。　　They　always
repent；　and　the　moment　they　repent　they　die。　　Repentance　on　the　stage
seems　to　be　one　of　the　most　dangerous　things　a　man　can　be　taken　with。
Our　advice　to　stage　wicked　people　would　undoubtedly　be；　〃Never　repent。
If　you　value　your　life；　don't　repent。　　It　always　means　sudden　death！〃

To　return　to　our　adventuress。　　She　is　by　no　means　a　bad　woman。　　There
is　much　good　in　her。　　This　is　more　than　proved　by　the　fact　that　she
learns　to　love　the　hero　before　she　dies；　for　no　one　but　a　really　good
woman　capable　of　extraordinary　patience　and　gentleness　could　ever；　we
are　convinced；　grow　to　feel　any　other　sentiment　for　that　irritating
ass；　than　a　desire　to　throw　bricks　at　him。

The　stage　adventuress　would　be　a　much　better　woman；　too；　if　it　were
not　for　the　heroine。　　The　adventuress　makes　the　most　complete
arrangements　for　being　noble　and　self…sacrificingthat　is；　for　going
away　and　never　coming　back；　and　is　just　about　to　carry　them　out；　when
the　heroine；　who　has　a　perfect　genius　for　being　in　the　wrong　place　at
the　right　time；　comes　in　and　spoils　it　all。　　No　stage　adventuress　can
be　good　while　the　heroine　is　about。　　The　sight　of　the　heroine　rouses
every　bad　feeling　in　her　breast。

We　can　sympathize　with　her　in　this　respect。　　The　heroine　often　affects
ourselves　in　precisely　the　same　way。

There　is　a　good　deal　to　be　said　in　favor　of　the　adventuress。　　True；
she　possesses　rather