stage-land-第5节

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end；　and　that　makes　it　all　right。

The　comic　man　is　not　a　sportsman。　　If　he　goes　out　shooting；　we　know
that　when　he　returns　we　shall　hear　that　he　has　shot　the　dog。　　If　he
takes　his　girl　out　on　the　river　he　upsets　her　（literally　we　mean）。
The　comic　man　never　goes　out　for　a　day's　pleasure　without　coming　home
a　wreck。

If　he　merely　goes　to　tea　with　his　girl　at　her　mother's；　he　swallows　a
muffin　and　chokes　himself。

The　comic　man　is　not　happy　in　his　married　life；　nor　does　it　seem　to　us
that　he　goes　the　right　way　to　be　so。　　He　calls　his　wife　〃his　old　Dutch
clock；〃　〃the　old　geyser；〃　and　such　like　terms　of　endearment；　and
addresses　her　with　such　remarks　as　〃Ah；　you　old　cat；〃　〃You　ugly　old
nutmeg　grater；〃　〃You　orangamatang；　you！〃　etc。；　etc。

Well；　you　know　that　is　not　the　way　to　make　things　pleasant　about　a
house。

Still；　with　all　his　faults　we　like　the　comic　man。　　He　is　not　always　in
trouble　and　he　does　not　make　long　speeches。

Let　us　bless　him。



THE　LAWYER。

He　is　very　old；　and　very　long；　and　very　thin。　　He　has　white　hair。　　He
dresses　in　the　costume　of　the　last　generation　but　seven。　　He　has　bushy
eyebrows　and　is　clean　shaven。　　His　chin　itches　considerably；　so　that
he　has　to　be　always　scratching　it。　　His　favorite　remark　is　〃Ah！〃

In　real　life　we　have　heard　of　young　solicitors；　of　foppish　solicitors；
of　short　solicitors；　but　on　the　stage　they　are　always　very　thin　and
very　old。　　The　youngest　stage　solicitor　we　ever　remember　to　have　seen
looked　about　sixtythe　oldest　about　a　hundred　and　forty…five。

By　the　bye；　it　is　never　very　safe　to　judge　people's　ages　on　the　stage
by　their　personal　appearance。　　We　have　known　old　ladies　who　looked
seventy；　if　they　were　a　day；　turn　out　to　be　the　mothers　of　boys　of
fourteen；　while　the　middle…aged　husband　of　the　young　wife　generally
gives　one　the　idea　of　ninety。

Again；　what　appears　at　first　sight　to　be　a　comfortable…looking　and
eminently　respectable　elderly　lady　is　often　discovered　to　be；　in
reality；　a　giddy；　girlish；　and　inexperienced　young　thing；　the　pride　of
the　village　or　the　darling　of　the　regiment。

So；　too；　an　exceptionally　stout　and　short…winded　old　gentleman；　who
looks　as　if　he　had　been　living　too　well　and　taking　too　little　exercise
for　the　last　forty…five　years；　is　not　the　heavy　father；　as　you　might
imagine　if　you　judged　from　mere　external　evidence；　but　a　wild；
reckless　boy。

You　would　not　think　so　to　look　at　him；　but　his　only　faults　are　that　he
is　so　young　and　light…headed。　　There　is　good　in　him；　however；　and　he
will　no　doubt　be　steady　enough　when　he　grows　up。　　All　the　young　men　of
the　neighborhood　worship　him　and　the　girls　love　him。

〃Here　he　comes；〃　they　say；　〃dear；　dear　old　JackJack；　the　darling
boythe　headstrong　youthJack；　the　leader　of　our　juvenile
sportsJack；　whose　childish　innocence　wins　all　hearts。　　Three　cheers
for　dancing；　bright…eyed　Jack！〃

On　the　other　hand；　ladies　with　the　complexion　of　eighteen　are；　you
learn　as　the　story　progresses；　quite　elderly　women；　the　mothers　of
middle…aged　heroes。

The　experienced　observer　of　stage…land　never　jumps　to　conclusions　from
what　he　sees。　　He　waits　till　he　is　told　things。

The　stage　lawyer　never　has　any　office　of　his　own。　　He　transacts　all
his　business　at　his　clients'　houses。　　He　will　travel　hundreds　of　miles
to　tell　them　the　most　trivial　piece　of　legal　information。

It　never　occurs　to　him　how　much　simpler　it　would　be　to　write　a　letter。
The　item　for　〃traveling　expenses〃　in　his　bill　of　costs　must　be
something　enormous。

There　are　two　moments　in　the　course　of　his　client's　career　that　the
stage　lawyer　particularly　enjoys。　　The　first　is　when　the　client　comes
unexpectedly　into　a　fortune；　the　second　when　he　unexpectedly　loses　it。

In　the　former　case；　upon　learning　the　good　news　the　stage　lawyer　at
once　leaves　his　business　and　hurries　off　to　the　other　end　of　the
kingdom　to　bear　the　glad　tidings。　　He　arrives　at　the　humble　domicile
of　the　beneficiary　in　question；　sends　up　his　card；　and　is　ushered　into
the　front　parlor。　　He　enters　mysteriously　and　sits　leftclient　sits
right。　　An　ordinary；　common　lawyer　would　come　to　the　point　at　once；
state　the　matter　in　a　plain；　business…like　way；　and　trust　that　he
might　have　the　pleasure　of　representing；　etc。；　etc。；　but　such　simple
methods　are　not　those　of　the　stage　lawyer。　　He　looks　at　the　client　and
says：

〃You　had　a　father。〃

The　client　starts。　　How　on　earth　did　this　calm；　thin；　keen…eyed　old
man　in　black　know　that　he　had　a　father？　　He　shuffles　and　stammers；　but
the　quiet；　impenetrable　lawyer　fixes　his　cold；　glassy　eye　on　him；　and
he　is　helpless。　　Subterfuge；　he　feels；　is　useless；　and　amazed；
bewildered　at　the　knowledge　of　his　most　private　affairs　possessed　by
his　strange　visitant；　he　admits　the　fact：　　he　had　a　father。

The　lawyer　smiles　with　a　quiet　smile　of　triumph　and　scratches　his
chin。

〃You　had　a　mother；　too；　if　I　am　informed　correctly；〃　he　continues。

It　is　idle　attempting　to　escape　this　man's　supernatural　acuteness；　and
the　client　owns　up　to　having　had　a　mother　also。

From　this　the　lawyer　goes　on　to　communicate　to　the　client；　as　a　great
secret；　the　whole　of　his　（the　client's）　history　from　his　cradle
upward；　and　also　the　history　of　his　nearer　relatives；　and　in　less　than
half　an　hour　from　the　old　man's　entrance；　or　say　forty　minutes　at　the
outside；　the　client　almost　knows　what　the　business　is　about。

On　the　other　occasion；　when　the　client　has　lost　his　fortune；　the　stage
lawyer　is　even　still　happier。　　He　comes　down　himself　to　tell　the
misfortune　（he　would　not　miss　the　job　for　worlds）；　and　he　takes　care
to　choose　the　most　unpropitious　moment　possible　for　breaking　the　news。
On　the　eldest　daughter's　birthday；　when　there　is　a　big　party　on；　is
his　favorite　time。　　He　comes　in　about　midnight　and　tells　them　just　as
they　are　going　down　to　supper。

He　has　no　idea　of　business　hours；　has　the　stage　lawyerto　make　the
thing　as　unpleasant　as　possible　seems　to　be　his　only　anxiety。

If　he　cannot　work　it　for　a　birthday；　then　he　waits　till　there's　a
wedding　on；　and　gets　up　early　in　the　morning　on　purpose　to　run　down
and　spoil　the　show。　　To　enter　among　a　crowd　of　happy；　joyous
fellow…creatures　and　leave　them　utterly　crushed　and　miserable　is　the
stage　lawyer's　hobby。

The　stage　lawyer　is　a　very　talkative　gentleman。　　He　regards　the
telling　of　his　client's　most　private　affairs　to　every　stranger　that　he
meets　as　part　of　his　professional　duties。　　A　good　gossip　with　a　few
chance　acquaintances　about　the　family　secrets　of　his　employers　is　food
and　drink　for　the　stage　lawyer。

They　all　go　about　telling　their　own　and　their　friends'　secrets　to
perfect　strangers　on　the　stage。　　Whenever　two　people　have　five　minutes
to　spare　on　the　stage　they　tell　each　other　the　story　of　their　lives。
〃Sit　down　and　I　will　tell　you　the　story　of　my　life〃　is　the　stage
equivalent　for　the　〃Come　and　have　a　drink〃　of　the　outside　world。

The　good　stage　lawyer　has　generally　nursed　the　heroine　on　his　knee
when　a　baby　（when　she　was　a　baby；　we　mean）when　she　was　only　so　high。
It　seems　to　have　been　a　part　of　his　professional　duties。　　The　good
stage　lawyer　also　kisses　all　the　pretty　girls　in　the　play　and　is
expected　to　chuck　the　housemaid　under　the　chin。　　It　is　good　to　be　a
good　stage　lawyer。

The　good　stage　lawyer　also　wipes　away　a　tear　when　sad　things　happen；
and　he　turns　away　to　do　this　and　blows　his　nose；　and　says　he　thinks　he
has　a　fly　in　his　eye。　　This　touching　trait　in　his　character　is　always
held　in　great　esteem　by　the　audience　and　is　much　applauded。

The　good　stage　lawyer　is　never　by　any　chance　a　married　man。　　（Few　good
men　are；　so　we　gather　from　our　married　lady　friends。）　　He　loved　in
early　life　the　heroine's　mother。　　That　〃sainted　woman〃　（tear　and　nose
business）　died　and　is　now　among　the　angelsthe　gentleman　who　did
marry　her；　by　the　bye；　is　not　quite　so　sure　about　this　latter　point；
but　the　lawyer　is　fixed　on　the　idea。

In　stage　literature　of　a　frivolous　nature　the　lawyer　is　a　very
different　individual。　　In　comedy　he　is　young；　he　possesses　chambers；
and　he　is　married　（there　is　no　doubt　about　this　latter　fact）；　and　his
wife　and　his　mother…in…law　spend　most　of　the　day　in　his　office　and
make　the　dull　old　place　quite　lively　for　him。

He　only　has　one　client。　　She　is　a　nice　lady　and　affable；　but　her
antecedents　are　doubtful；　and　she　seems　to　be　no　better　than　she　ought
to　bepossibly　worse。　　But　anyhow　she　is　the　sole　business　that　the
poor　fellow　hasis；　in　fact；　his　only　source　of　income；　and　might；
one　would　think；　under　such　circumstances　be　accorded　a　welcome　by　his
family。　　But　his　wife　and　his　mother…in…law；　on　the　contrary；　take　a
violent　dislike　to　her；　and　the　lawyer　has　to　put　her　in　the
coal…scuttle　or　lock　her　up　in　the　safe　whenever　he　hears　either　of
these　female　relatives　of　his　coming　up　the　stairs。

We　should　not　care　to　be　the　client　of　a　farcical　comedy　stage　lawyer。
Legal　transactions　are　trying　to　the　nerves　under　the　most　favorable
circumstances；　conducted　by　a　farcical　stage　lawyer；　the　business
would　be　too　exciting　for　us。



THE　ADVENTURESS。

She　sits　on　a　table　and　smokes　a　cigarette。　　A　cigarette　on　the　stage
is　always　the　badge　of　infamy。

In　real　life　the　cigare