stage-land-第4节

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the　Villain　is　handcuffed；　and　he　and　the　heroine　have　settled　down
comfortably　next　door　to　the　comic　man。

But　this　heavenly　existence　will　never　last。　　The　stage　hero　was　built
for　trouble；　and　he　will　be　in　it　again　in　another　month；　you　bet。
They'll　get　up　another　mortgage　for　him　on　the　〃estates；〃　and　he　won't
know；　bless　you；　whether　he　really　did　sign　it　or　whether　he　didn't；
and　out　he　will　go。

And　he'll　slop　his　name　about　to　documents　without　ever　looking　to　see
what　he's　doing；　and　be　let　in　for　Lord　knows　what；　and　another　wife
will　turn　up　for　him　that　he　had　married　when　a　boy　and　forgotten　all
about。

And　the　next　corpse　that　comes　to　the　village　he'll　get　mixed　up
withsure　toand　have　it　laid　to　his　door；　and　there'll　be　all　the
old　business　over　again。

No；　our　advice　to　the　stage　heroine　is　to　get　rid　of　the　hero　as　soon
as　possible；　marry　the　villain；　and　go　and　live　abroad　somewhere　where
the　comic　man　won't　come　fooling　around。

She　will　be　much　happier。



THE　COMIC　MAN。

He　follows　the　hero　all　over　the　world。　　This　is　rough　on　the　hero。

What　makes　him　so　gone　on　the　hero　is　that　when　they　were　boys
together　the　hero　used　to　knock　him　down　and　kick　him。　　The　comic　man
remembers　this　with　a　glow　of　pride　when　he　is　grown　up；　and　it　makes
him　love　the　hero　and　determine　to　devote　his　life　to　him。

He　is　a　man　of　humble　stationthe　comic　man。　　The　village　blacksmith
or　a　peddler。　　You　never　see　a　rich　or　aristocratic　comic　man　on　the
stage。　　You　can　have　your　choice　on　the　stage；　you　can　be　funny　and　of
lowly　origin；　or　you　can　be　well…to…do　and　without　any　sense　of　humor。
Peers　and　policemen　are　the　people　most　utterly　devoid　of　humor　on　the
stage。

The　chief　duty　of　the　comic　man's　life　is　to　make　love　to
servant…girls；　and　they　slap　his　face；　but　it　does　not　discourage　him；
he　seems　to　be　more　smitten　by　them　than　ever。

The　comic　man　is　happy　under　any　fate；　and　he　says　funny　things　at
funerals　and　when　the　bailiffs　are　in　the　house　or　the　hero　is　waiting
to　be　hanged。

This　sort　of　man　is　rather　trying　in　real　life。　　In　real　life　such　a
man　would　probably　be　slaughtered　to　death　and　buried　at　an　early
period　of　his　career；　but　on　the　stage　they　put　up　with　him。

He　is　very　good；　is　the　comic　man。　　He　can't　bear　villainy。　　To　thwart
villainy　is　his　life's　ambition；　and　in　this　noble　object　fortune
backs　him　up　grandly。　　Bad　people　come　and　commit　their　murders　and
thefts　right　under　his　nose；　so　that　he　can　denounce　them　in　the　last
act。

They　never　see　him　there；　standing　close　beside　them；　while　they　are
performing　these　fearful　crimes。

It　is　marvelous　how　short…sighted　people　on　the　stage　are。　　We　always
thought　that　the　young　lady　in　real　life　was　moderately　good　at　not
seeing　folks　she　did　not　want　to　when　they　were　standing　straight　in
front　of　her；　but　her　affliction　in　this　direction　is　as　nothing
compared　with　that　of　her　brothers　and　sisters　on　the　stage。

These　unfortunate　people　come　into　rooms　where　there　are　crowds　of
people　aboutpeople　that　it　is　most　important　that　they　should　see；
and　owing　to　not　seeing　whom　they　get　themselves　into　fearful　trouble；
and　they　never　notice　any　of　them。　　They　talk　to　somebody　opposite；
and　they　can't　see　a　third　person　that　is　standing　bang　between　the
two　of　them。

You　might　fancy　they　wore　blinkers。

Then；　again；　their　hearing　is　so　terribly　weak。　　It　really　ought　to　be
seen　to。　　People　talk　and　chatter　at　the　very　top　of　their　voices
close　behind　them；　and　they　never　hear　a　worddon't　know　anybody's
there；　even。　　After　it　has　been　going　on　for　half　an　hour；　and　the
people　〃up　stage〃　have　made　themselves　hoarse　with　shouting；　and
somebody　has　been　boisterously　murdered　and　all　the　furniture　upset；
then　the　people　〃down　stage〃　〃think　they　hear　a　noise。〃

The　comic　man　always　rows　with　his　wife　if　he　is　married　or　with　his
sweetheart　if　he　is　not　married。　　They　quarrel　all　day　long。　　It　must
be　a　trying　life；　you　would　think；　but　they　appear　to　like　it。

How　the　comic　man　lives　and　supports　his　wife　（she　looks　as　if　it
wanted　something　to　support　her；　too）　and　family　is　always　a　mystery
to　us。　　As　we　have　said；　he　is　not　a　rich　man　and　he　never　seems　to
earn　any　money。　　Sometimes　he　keeps　a　shop；　and　in　the　way　he　manages
business　it　must　be　an　expensive　thing　to　keep；　for　he　never　charges
anybody　for　anything；　he　is　so　generous。　　All　his　customers　seem　to　be
people　more　or　less　in　trouble；　and　he　can't　find　it　in　his　heart　to
ask　them　to　pay　for　their　goods　under　such　distressing　circumstances。

He　stuffs　their　basket　full　with　twice　as　much　as　they　came　to　buy；
pushes　their　money　back　into　their　hands；　and　wipes　away　a　tear。

Why　doesn't　a　comic　man　come　and　set　up　a　grocery　store　in　our
neighborhood？

When　the　shop　does　not　prove　sufficiently　profitable　（as　under　the
above…explained　method　sometimes　happens　to　be　the　case）　the　comic
man's　wife　seeks　to　add　to　the　income　by　taking　in　lodgers。　　This　is　a
bad　move　on　her　part；　for　it　always　ends　in　the　lodgers　taking　her　in。
The　hero　and　heroine；　who　seem　to　have　been　waiting　for　something　of
the　sort；　immediately　come　and　take　possession　of　the　whole　house。

Of　course　the　comic　man　could　not　think　of　charging　for　mere　board　and
lodging　the　man　who　knocked　him　down　when　they　were　boys　together！
Besides；　was　not　the　heroine　（now　the　hero's　wife）　the　sweetest　and
the　blithest　girl　in　all　the　village　of　Deepdale？　　（They　must　have
been　a　gloomy　band；　the　others！）　　How　can　any　one　with　a　human　heart
beneath　his　bosom　suggest　that　people　like　that　should　pay　for　their
rest　and　washing？　　The　comic　man　is　shocked　at　his　wife　for　even
thinking　of　such　a　thing；　and　the　end　of　it　is　that　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Hero
live　there　for　the　rest　of　the　play　rent　free；　coals；　soap；　candles；
and　hair…oil　for　the　child　being　provided　for　them　on　the　same　terms。

The　hero　raises　vague　and　feeble　objections　to　this　arrangement　now
and　again。　　He　says　he　will　not　hear　of　such　a　thing；　that　he　will
stay　no　longer　to　be　a　burden　upon　these　honest　folk；　but　will　go
forth　unto　the　roadside　and　there　starve。　　The　comic　man　has　awful
work　with　him；　but　wins　at　last　and　persuades　the　noble　fellow　to　stop
on　and　give　the　place　another　trial。

When；　a　morning　or　so　after　witnessing　one　of　these　beautiful　scenes；
our　own　landlady　knocks　at　our　door　and　creates　a　disturbance　over　a
paltry　matter　of　three　or　four　weeks'　rent；　and　says　she'll　have　her
money　or　out　we　go　that　very　day；　and　drifts　slowly　away　down　toward
the　kitchen；　abusing　us　in　a　rising　voice　as　she　descends；　then　we
think　of　these　things　and　grow　sad。

It　is　the　example　of　the　people　round　him　that　makes　the　comic　man　so
generous。　　Everybody　is　generous　on　the　stage。　　They　are　giving　away
their　purses　all　day　long；　that　is　the　regulation　〃tip〃　on　the
stageone's　purse。　　The　moment　you　hear　a　tale　of　woe；　you　grab　it
out　of　your　pocket；　slap　it　in　to　the　woe…er's　palm；　grip　his　hand；
dash　away　a　tear；　and　exit；　you　don't　even　leave　yourself　a　'bus　fare
home。　　You　walk　back　quickly　and　get　another　purse。

Middle…class　people　and　others　on　the　stage　who　are　short　of　purses
have　to　content　themselves　with　throwing　about　rolls　of　bank…notes　and
tipping　servants　with　five…pound　checks。　　Very　stingy　people　on　the
stage　have　been　known　to　be　so　cussed　mean　as　to　give　away　mere
sovereigns。

But　they　are　generally　only　villains　or　lords　that　descend　to　this
sort　of　thing。　　Respectable　stage　folk　never　offer　anything　less　than
a　purse。

The　recipient　is　very　grateful　on　receiving　the　purse　（he　never　looks
inside）　and　thinks　that　Heaven　ought　to　reward　the　donor。　　They　get　a
lot　of　work　out　of　Heaven　on　the　stage。　　Heaven　does　all　the　odd　jobs
for　them　that　they　don't　want　to　go　to　the　trouble　and　expense　of
doing　for　themselves。　　Heaven's　chief　duty　on　the　stage　is　to　see　to
the　repayment　of　all　those　sums　of　money　that　are　given　or　lent　to　the
good　people。　　It　is　generally　requested　to　do　this　to　the　tune　of　a
〃thousand…fold〃an　exorbitant　rate　when　you　come　to　think　of　it。

Heaven　is　also　expected　to　take　care　that　the　villain　gets　properly
cursed；　and　to　fill　up　its　spare　time　by　bringing　misfortune　upon　the
local　landlord。　　It　has　to　avenge　everybody　and　to　help　all　the　good
people　whenever　they　are　in　trouble。　　And　they　keep　it　going　in　this
direction。

And　when　the　hero　leaves　for　prison　Heaven　has　to　take　care　of　his
wife　and　child　till　he　comes　out；　and　if　this　isn't　a　handful　for　it；
we　don't　know　what　would　be！

Heaven　on　the　stage　is　always　on　the　side　of　the　hero　and　heroine　and
against　the　police。

Occasionally；　of　late　years；　the　comic　man　has　been　a　bad　man；　but　you
can't　hate　him　for　it。　　What　if　he　does　ruin　the　hero　and　rob　the
heroine　and　help　to　murder　the　good　old　man？　　He　does　it　all　in　such　a
genial；　light…hearted　spirit　that　it　is　not　in　one's　heart　to　feel
angry　with　him。　　It　is　the　way　in　which　a　thing　is　done　that　makes　all
the　difference。

Besides；　he　can　always　round　on　his　pal；　the　serious　villain；　at　the
end；　and　that　makes　it　all　right。

The　comic　man　is　not　a　sportsman。　　If　he　goes　out　shoo