my discovery of england-第22节

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p。　Last　week　he　began　to　sink。　Speech　left　him　last　Tuesday。　This　morning　he　passed；　and　he　has　gone　now；　we　trust；　in　safety　to　where　there　are　no　lectures。〃

The　audience　were　now　nearly　in　tears。

The　chairman　made　a　visible　effort　towards　firmness　and　control。

〃But　yet；〃　he　continued；　〃our　committee　felt　that　in　another　sense　it　was　our　duty　to　go　on　with　our　arrangements。　I　think；　ladies　and　gentlemen；　that　the　war　has　taught　us　all　that　it　is　always　our　duty　to　'carry　on；'　no　matter　how　hard　it　may　be；　no　matter　with　what　reluctance　we　do　it；　and　whatever　be　the　difficulties　and　the　dangers；　we　must　carry　on　to　the　end：　for　after　all　there　is　an　end　and　by　resolution　and　patience　we　can　reach　it。

〃I　will；　therefore；　invite　Mr。　Leacock　to　deliver　to　us　his　humorous　lecture；　the　title　of　which　I　have　forgotten；　but　I　understand　it　to　be　the　same　lecture　which　he　has　already　given　thirty　or　forty　times　in　England。〃

But　contrast　with　this　melancholy　man　the　genial　and　pleasing　person　who　introduced　me；　all　upside　down；　to　a　metropolitan　audience。

He　was　so　brisk；　so　neat；　so　sure　of　himself　that　it　didn't　seem　possible　that　he　could　make　any　kind　of　a　mistake。　I　thought　it　unnecessary　to　coach　him。　He　seemed　absolutely　all　right。

〃It　is　a　great　pleasure；〃he　said；　with　a　charming；　easy　appearance　of　being　entirely　at　home　on　the　platform；〃to　welcome　here　tonight　our　distinguished　Canadian　fellow　citizen；　Mr。　Learoyd〃he　turned　half　way　towards　me　as　he　spoke　with　a　sort　of　gesture　of　welcome；　admirably　executed。　If　only　my　name　had　been　Learoyd　instead　of　Leacock　it　would　have　been　excellent。

〃There　are　many　of　us；〃　he　continued；　〃who　have　awaited　Mr。　Learoyd's　coming　with　the　most　pleasant　anticipations。　We　seemed　from　his　books　to　know　him　already　as　an　old　friend。　In　fact　I　think　I　do　not　exaggerate　when　I　tell　Mr。　Learoyd　that　his　name　in　our　city　has　long　been　a　household　word。　I　have　very；　very　great　pleasure；　ladies　and　gentlemen；　in　introducing　to　you　Mr。　Learoyd。〃

As　far　as　I　know　that　chairman　never　knew　his　error。　At　the　close　of　my　lecture　he　said　that　he　was　sure　that　the　audience　〃were　deeply　indebted　to　Mr。　Learoyd；〃　and　then　with　a　few　words　of　rapid；　genial　apology　buzzed　off；　like　a　humming　bird；　to　other　avocations。　　But　I　have　amply　forgiven　him：　anything　for　kindness　and　geniality；　it　makes　the　whole　of　life　smooth。　If　that　chairman　ever　comes　to　my　home　town　he　is　hereby　invited　to　lunch　or　dine　with　me；　as　Mr。　Learoyd　or　under　any　name　that　he　selects。

Such　a　man　is；　after　all；　in　sharp　contrast　to　the　kind　of　chairman　who　has　no　native　sense　of　the　geniality　that　ought　to　accompany　his　office。　There　is；　for　example；　a　type　of　man　who　thinks　that　the　fitting　way　to　introduce　a　lecturer　is　to　say　a　few　words　about　the　finances　of　the　society　to　which　he　is　to　lecture　（for　money）　and　about　the　difficulty　of　getting　members　to　turn　out　to　hear　lectures。

Everybody　has　heard　such　a　speech　a　dozen　times。　But　it　is　the　paid　lecturer　sitting　on　the　platform　who　best　appreciates　it。　It　runs　like　this：

〃Now；　ladies　and　gentlemen；　before　I　invite　the　lecturer　of　the　evening　to　address　us　there　are　a　few　words　that　I　would　like　to　say。　There　are　a　good　many　members　who　are　in　arrears　with　their　fees。　I　am　aware　that　these　are　hard　times　and　it　is　difficult　to　collect　money　but　at　the　same　time　the　members　ought　to　remember　that　the　expenses　of　the　society　are　very　heavy。　The　fees　that　are　asked　by　the　lecturers；　as　I　suppose　you　know；　have　advanced　very　greatly　in　the　last　few　years。　　In　fact　I　may　say　that　they　are　becoming　almost　prohibitive。〃

This　discourse　is　pleasant　hearing　for　the　lecturer。　He　can　see　the　members　who　have　not　yet　paid　their　annual　dues　eyeing　him　with　hatred。　The　chairman　goes　on：

〃Our　finance　committee　were　afraid　at　first　that　we　could　not　afford　to　bring　Mr。　Leacock　to　our　society。　But　fortunately　through　the　personal　generosity　of　two　of　our　members　who　subscribed　ten　pounds　each　out　of　their　own　pocket　we　are　able　to　raise　the　required　sum。〃

　　　（Applause：　during　which　the　lecturer　sits　looking　and　feeling　　　　like　the　embodiment　of　the　〃required　sum。〃）

〃Now；　ladies　and　gentlemen；〃　continues　the　chairman；　〃what　I　feel　is　that　when　we　have　members　in　the　society　who　are　willing　to　make　this　sacrifice；because　it　is　a　sacrifice；　ladies　and　gentlemen；we　ought　to　support　them　in　every　way。　The　members　ought　to　think　it　their　duty　to　turn　out　to　the　lectures。　I　know　that　it　is　not　an　easy　thing　to　do。　On　a　cold　night；　like　this　evening；　it　is　hard；　I　admit　it　is　hard；　to　turn　out　from　the　comfort　of　one's　own　fireside　and　come　and　listen　to　a　lecture。　But　I　think　that　the　members　should　look　at　it　not　as　a　matter　of　personal　comfort　but　as　a　matter　of　duty　towards　this　society。　We　have　managed　to　keep　this　society　alive　for　fifteen　years　and；　though　I　don't　say　it　in　any　spirit　of　boasting；　it　has　not　been　an　easy　thing　to　do。　It　has　required　a　good　deal　of　pretty　hard　spade　work　by　the　committee。　　Well；　ladies　and　gentlemen；　I　suppose　you　didn't　come　here　to　listen　to　me　and　perhaps　I　have　said　enough　about　our　difficulties　and　troubles。　So　without　more　ado　（this　is　always　a　favourite　phrase　with　chairmen）　I'll　invite　Mr。　Leacock　to　address　the　society；　oh；　just　a　word　before　I　sit　down。　Will　all　those　who　are　leaving　before　the　end　of　the　lecture　kindly　go　out　through　the　side　door　and　step　as　quietly　as　possible？　Mr。　　Leacock。〃

Anybody　who　is　in　the　lecture　business　knows　that　that　introduction　is　far　worse　than　being　called　Mr。　Learoyd。


When　any　lecturer　goes　across　to　England　from　this　side　of　the　water　there　is　naturally　a　tendency　on　the　part　of　the　chairman　to　play　upon　this　fact。　This　is　especially　true　in　the　case　of　a　Canadian　like　myself。　The　chairman　feels　that　the　moment　is　fitting　for　one　of　those　great　imperial　thoughts　that　bind　the　British　Empire　together。　But　sometimes　the　expression　of　the　thought　falls　short　of　the　full　glory　of　the　conception。

Witness　this　（word　for　word）　introduction　that　was　used　against　me　by　a　clerical　chairman　in　a　quiet　spot　in　the　south　of　England：

〃Not　so　long　ago；　ladies　and　gentlemen；〃　said　the　vicar；　〃we　used　to　send　out　to　Canada　various　classes　of　our　community　to　help　build　up　that　country。　We　sent　out　our　labourers；　we　sent　out　our　scholars　and　professors。　Indeed　we　even　sent　out　our　criminals。　　And　now；〃　with　a　wave　of　his　hand　towards　me；　〃they　are　coming　back。〃

There　was　no　laughter。　An　English　audience　is　nothing　if　not　literal；　and　they　are　as　polite　as　they　are　literal。　They　understood　that　I　was　a　reformed　criminal　and　as　such　they　gave　me　a　hearty　burst　of　applause。

But　there　is　just　one　thing　that　I　would　like　to　chronicle　here　in　favour　of　the　chairman　and　in　gratitude　for　his　assistance。　Even　at　his　worst　he　is　far　better　than　having　no　chairman　at　all。　Over　in　England　a　great　many　societies　and　public　bodies　have　adopted　the　plan　of　〃cutting　out　the　chairman。〃　Wearying　of　his　faults；　they　have　forgotten　the　reasons　for　his　existence　and　undertaken　to　do　without　him。

The　result　is　ghastly。　The　lecturer　steps　up。　on　to　the　platform　alone　and　unaccompanied。　There　is　a　feeble　ripple　of　applause；　he　makes　his　miserable　bow　and　explains　with　as　much　enthusiasm　as　he　can　who　he　is。　The　atmosphere　of　the　thing　is　so　cold　that　an　'Arctic　expedition　isn't　in　it　with　it。　I　found　also　the　further　difficulty　that　in　the　absence　of　the　chairman　very　often　the　audience；　or　a　large　part　of　it；　doesn't　know　who　the　lecturer　is。　On　many　occasions　I　received　on　appearing　a　wild　burst　of　applause　under　the　impression　that　I　was　somebody　else。　I　have　been　mistaken　in　this　way　for　Mr。　Briand；　then　Prime　Minister　of　France；　for　Charlie　Chaplin；　for　Mrs。　Asquith；but　stop；　I　may　get　into　a　libel　suit。　All　I　mean　is　that　without　a　chairman　〃we　celebrities〃　get　terribly　mixed　up　together。

To　one　experience　of　my　tour　as　a　lecturer　I　shall　always　be　able　to　look　back　with　satisfaction。　I　nearly　had　the　pleasure　of　killing　a　man　with　laughing：　and　this　in　the　most　literal　sense。　American　lecturers　have　often　dreamed　of　doing　this。　I　nearly　did　it。　The　man　in　question　was　a　comfortable　apoplectic…looking　man　with　the　kind　of　merry　rubicund　face　that　is　seen　in　countries　where　they　don't　have　prohibition。　He　was　seated　near　the　back　of　the　hall　and　was　laughing　uproariously。　All　of　a　sudden　I　realised　that　something　was　happening。　The　man　had　collapsed　sideways　on　to　the　floor；　a　little　group　of　men　gathered　about　him；　they　lifted　him　up　and　I　could　see　them　carrying　him　out；　a　silent　and　inert　mass。　As　in　duty　bound　I　went　right　on　with　my　lecture。　　But　my　heart　beat　high　with　satisfaction。　I　was　sure　that　I　had　killed　him。　The　reader　may　judge　how　high　these　hopes　rose　when　a　moment　or　two　later　a　note　was　handed　to　the　chairman　who　then　asked　me　to　pause　for　a　moment　in　my　lecture　and　stood　up　and　asked；　〃Is　there　a　doctor　in　the　audience？〃　A　doctor　rose　and　silently　went　out。　The　lecture　continued；　but　there　was　no　more　laughter；　my　aim　had　now　become　to　kill　another　of　them　and　they　knew　it。　　They　were　aware　that　if　they　started　laughing　they　might　die。　In　a　few　minutes　a　second　note　was　handed　to