liber amoris-第16节
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re。〃 If she could get THE LITTLE IMAGE mended？ 〃It was broken in three pieces； and the sword was gone； but she would try。〃 I then asked her to make up a plaid silk which I had given her in the winter； and which she said would make a pretty summer gown。 I so longed to see her in it！〃She had little time to spare； but perhaps might！〃 Think what I felt； talking peaceably； kindly； tenderly with my love；not passionately； not violently。 I tried to take pattern by her patient meekness； as I thought it； and to subdue my desires to her will。 I then sued to her； but respectfully； to be admitted to her friendshipshe must know I was as true a friend as ever woman hador if there was a bar to our intimacy from a dearer attachment； to let me know it frankly； as I shewed her all my heart。 She drew out her handkerchief and wiped her eyes 〃of tears which sacred pity had engendered there。〃 Was it so or not？ I cannot tell。 But so she stood （while I pleaded my cause to her with all the earnestness； and fondness in the world） with the tears trickling from her eye…lashes； her head stooping； her attitude fixed； with the finest expression that ever was seen of mixed regret； pity； and stubborn resolution； but without speaking a word； without altering a feature。 It was like a petrifaction of a human face in the softest moment of passion。 〃Ah！〃 I said； 〃how you look！ I have prayed again and again while I was away from you； in the agony of my spirit； that I might but live to see you look so again； and then breathe my last！〃 I intreated her to give me some explanation。 In vain！ At length she said she must go； and disappeared like a spirit。 That week she did all the little trifling favours I had asked of her。 The frills were put on； and she sent up to know if I wanted any more done。 She got the Buonaparte mended。 This was like healing old wounds indeed！ How？ As follows； for thereby hangs the conclusion of my tale。 Listen。
I had sent a message one evening to speak to her about some special affairs of the house； and received no answer。 I waited an hour expecting her； and then went out in great vexation at my disappointment。 I complained to her mother a day or two after； saying I thought it so unlike Sarah's usual propriety of behaviour； that she must mean it as a mark of disrespect。 Mrs。 L said； 〃La！ Sir； you're always fancying things。 Why； she was dressing to go out； and she was only going to get the little image you're both so fond of mended； and it's to be done this evening。 She has been to two or three places to see about it； before she could get anyone to undertake it。〃 My heart； my poor fond heart； almost melted within me at this news。 I answered； 〃Ah！ Madam； that's always the way with the dear creature。 I am finding fault with her and thinking the hardest things of her； and at that very time she's doing something to shew the most delicate attention； and that she has no greater satisfaction than in gratifying my wishes！〃 On this we had some farther talk； and I took nearly the whole of the lodgings at a hundred guineas a year； that （as I said） she might have a little leisure to sit at her needle of an evening； or to read if she chose； or to walk out when it was fine。 She was not in good health； and it would do her good to be less confined。 I would be the drudge and she should no longer be the slave。 I asked nothing in return。 To see her happy； to make her so； was to be so myself。This was agreed to。 I went over to Blackheath that evening； delighted as I could be after all I had suffered； and lay the whole of the next morning on the heath under the open sky； dreaming of my earthly Goddess。 This was Sunday。 That evening I returned； for I could hardly bear to be for a moment out of the house where she was； and the next morning she tapped at the doorit was openedit was sheshe hesitated and then came forward： she had got the little image in her hand； I took it； and blest her from my heart。 She said 〃They had been obliged to put some new pieces to it。〃 I said 〃I didn't care how it was done； so that I had it restored to me safe； and by her。〃 I thanked her and begged to shake hands with her。 She did so； and as I held the only hand in the world that I never wished to let go； I looked up in her face； and said 〃Have pity on me； have pity on me； and save me if you can！〃 Not a word of answer； but she looked full in my eyes； as much as to say； 〃Well； I'll think of it； and if I can； I will save you！〃 We talked about the expense of repairing the figure。 〃Was the man waiting？〃〃No； she had fetched it on Saturday evening。〃 I said I'd give her the money in the course of the day； and then shook hands with her again in token of reconciliation； and she went waving out of the room； but at the door turned round and looked full at me； as she did the first time she beguiled me of my heart。 This was the last。
All that day I longed to go down stairs to ask her and her mother to set out with me for Scotland on Wednesday； and on Saturday I would make her my wife。 Something withheld me。 In the evening； however； I could not rest without seeing her； and I said to her younger sister； 〃Betsey； if Sarah will come up now； I'll pay her what she laid out for me the other day。〃〃My sister's gone out； Sir；〃 was the answer。 What again！ thought I； That's somewhat sudden。 I told P her sitting in the window…seat of the front parlour boded me no good。 It was not in her old character。 She did not use to know there were doors or windows in the houseand now she goes out three times in a week。 It is to meet some one； I'll lay my life on't。 〃Where is she gone？〃〃To my grandmother's； Sir。〃 〃Where does your grandmother live now？〃〃At Somers' Town。〃 I immediately set out to Somers' Town。 I passed one or two streets； and at last turned up King Street； thinking it most likely she would return that way home。 I passed a house in King Street where I had once lived； and had not proceeded many paces； ruminating on chance and change and old times； when I saw her coming towards me。 I felt a strange pang at the sight； but I thought her alone。 Some people before me moved on； and I saw another person with her。 THE MURDER WAS OUT。 It was a tall； rather well…looking young man； but I did not at first recollect him。 We passed at the crossing of the street without speaking。 Will you believe it； after all that had past between us for two years； after what had passed in the last half…year； after what had passed that very morning； she went by me without even changing countenance； without expressing the slightest emotion； without betraying either shame or pity or remorse or any other feeling that any other human being but herself must have shewn in the same situation。 She had no time to prepare for acting a part； to suppress her feelingsthe truth is； she has not one natural feeling in her bosom to suppress。 I turned and lookedthey also turned and looked and as if by mutual consent； we both retrod our steps and passed again； in the same way。 I went home。 I was stifled。 I could not stay in the house； walked into the street and met them coming towards home。 As soon as he had left her at the door （I fancy she had prevailed with him to accompany her； dreading some violence） I returned； went up stairs； and requested an interview。 Tell her； I said； I'm in excellent temper and good spirits； but I must see her！ She came smiling； and I said； 〃Come in； my dear girl； and sit down； and tell me all about it； how it is and who it is。〃〃 What；〃 she said； 〃do you mean Mr。 C？〃 〃Oh；〃 said I； 〃Then it is he！ Ah！ you rogue； I always suspected there was something between you； but you know you denied it lustily： why did you not tell me all about it at the time； instead of letting me suffer as I have done？ But； however； no reproaches。 I only wish it may all end happily and honourably for you； and I am satisfied。 But；〃 I said； 〃you know you used to tell me； you despised looks。〃〃She didn't think Mr。 C was so particularly handsome。〃 〃No； but he's very well to pass； and a well…grown youth into the bargain。〃 Pshaw！ let me put an end to the fulsome detail。 I found he had lived over the way； that he had been lured thence； no doubt； almost a year before； that they had first spoken in the street； and that he had never once hinted at marriage； and had gone away； because （as he said） they were too much together； and that it was better for her to meet him occasionally out of doors。 〃There could be no harm in them walking together。〃 〃No； but you may go some where afterwards。〃〃 One must trust to one's principle for that。〃 Consummate hypocrite！ * * * * * * I told her Mr。 M； who had married her sister； did not wish to leave the house。 I； who would have married her； did not wish to leave it。 I told her I hoped I should not live to see her come to shame； after all my love of her； but put her on her guard as well as I could； and said； after the lengths she had permitted herself with me； I could not help being alarmed at the influence of one over her； whom she could hardly herself suppose to have a tenth part of my esteem for her！！ She made no answer to this； but thanked me coldly for my good advice； and rose to go。 I begged her to sit a few minutes； that I might try to recollect if there was
