liber amoris-第14节
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（In continuation）
My dear Friend； The next day I felt almost as sailors must do after a violent storm over…night； that has subsided towards daybreak。 The morning was a dull and stupid calm； and I found she was unwell； in consequence of what had happened。 In the evening I grew more uneasy； and determined on going into the country for a week or two。 I gathered up the fragments of the locket of her hair； and the little bronze statue； which were strewed about the floor； kissed them； folded them up in a sheet of paper； and sent them to her； with these lines written in pencil on the outside〃Pieces of a broken heart； to be kept in remembrance of the unhappy。 Farewell。〃 No notice was taken； nor did I expect any。 The following morning I requested Betsey to pack up my box for me； as I should go out of town the next day； and at the same time wrote a note to her sister to say； I should take it as a favour if she would please to accept of the enclosed copies of the Vicar of Wakefield； The Man of Feeling and Nature and Art； in lieu of three volumes of my own writings； which I had given her on different occasions； in the course of our acquaintance。 I was piqued； in fact； that she should have these to shew as proofs of my weakness； and as if I thought the way to win her was by plaguing her with my own performances。
She sent me word back that the books I had sent were of no use to her； and that I should have those I wished for in the afternoon； but that she could not before； as she had lent them to her sister； Mrs。 M…。 I said； 〃very well；〃 but observed （laughing） to Betsey； 〃It's a bad rule to give and take； so； if Sarah won't have these books； you must； they are very pretty ones； I assure you。〃 She curtsied and took them； according to the family custom。 In the afternoon； when I came back to tea； I found the little girl on her knees； busy in packing up my things； and a large paper parcel on the table； which I could not at first tell what to make of。 On opening it； however； I soon found what it was。 It contained a number of volumes which I had given her at different times （among others； a little Prayer…Book； bound in crimson velvet； with green silk linings； she kissed it twenty times when she received it； and said it was the prettiest present in the world； and that she would shew it to her aunt； who would be proud of it）and all these she had returned together。 Her name in the title…page was cut out of them all。 I doubted at the instant whether she had done this before or after I had sent for them back； and I have doubted of it since； but there is no occasion to suppose her UGLY ALL OVER WITH HYPOCRISY。 Poor little thing！ She has enough to answer for； as it is。 I asked Betsey if she could carry a message for me； and she said 〃YES。〃 〃Will you tell your sister； then； that I did not want all these books； and give my love to her； and say that I shall be obliged if she will still keep these that I have sent back； and tell her that it is only those of my own writing that I think unworthy of her。〃 What do you think the little imp made answer？ She raised herself on the other side of the table where she stood； as if inspired by the genius of the place； and said〃AND THOSE ARE THE ONES THAT SHE PRIZES THE MOST！〃 If there were ever words spoken that could revive the dead； those were the words。 Let me kiss them； and forget that my ears have heard aught else！ I said； 〃Are you sure of that？〃 and she said； 〃Yes； quite sure。〃 I told her； 〃If I could be； I should be very different from what I was。〃 And I became so that instant； for these casual words carried assurance to my heart of her esteemthat once implied； I had proofs enough of her fondness。 Oh！ how I felt at that moment！ Restored to love； hope； and joy； by a breath which I had caught by the merest accident； and which I might have pined in absence and mute despair for want of hearing！ I did not know how to contain myself； I was childish； wanton； drunk with pleasure。 I gave Betsey a twenty…shilling note which I happened to have in my hand； and on her asking 〃What's this for； Sir？〃 I said； 〃It's for you。 Don't you think it worth that to be made happy？ You once made me very wretched by some words I heard you drop； and now you have made me as happy； and all I wish you is； when you grow up； that you may find some one to love you as well as I do your sister； and that you may love better than she does me！〃 I continued in this state of delirium or dotage all that day and the next； talked incessantly； laughed at every thing； and was so extravagant； nobody could tell what was the matter with me。 I murmured her name； I blest her； I folded her to my heart in delicious fondness； I called her by my own name； I worshipped her： I was mad for her。 I told P I should laugh in her face； if ever she pretended not to like me again。 Her mother came in and said； she hoped I should excuse Sarah's coming up。 〃Oh； Ma'am；〃 I said； 〃I have no wish to see her； I feel her at my heart； she does not hate me after all； and I wish for nothing。 Let her come when she will； she is to me welcomer than light； than life； but let it be in her own sweet time； and at her own dear pleasure。〃 Betsey also told me she was 〃so glad to get the books back。〃 I； however； sobered and wavered （by degrees） from seeing nothing of her； day after day； and in less than a week I was devoted to the Infernal Gods。 I could hold out no longer than the Monday evening following。 I sent a message to her； she returned an ambiguous answer； but she came up。 Pity me； my friend； for the shame of this recital。 Pity me for the pain of having ever had to make it！ If the spirits of mortal creatures； purified by faith and hope； can （according to the highest assurances） ever； during thousands of years of smooth…rolling eternity and balmy； sainted repose； forget the pain； the toil； the anguish； the helplessness； and the despair they have suffered here； in this frail being； then may I forget that withering hour； and her； that fair； pale form that entered； my inhuman betrayer； and my only earthly love！ She said； 〃Did you wish to speak to me； Sir？〃 I said； 〃Yes； may I not speak to you？ I wanted to see you and be friends。〃 I rose up； offered her an arm…chair which stood facing； bowed on it； and knelt to her adoring。 She said （going） 〃If that's all； I have nothing to say。〃 I replied； 〃Why do you treat me thus？ What have I done to become thus hateful to you？〃 ANSWER； 〃I always told you I had no affection for you。〃 You may suppose this was a blow； after the imaginary honey…moon in which I had passed the preceding week。 I was stunned by it； my heart sunk within me。 I contrived to say； 〃Nay； my dear girl； not always neither； for did you not once （if I might presume to look back to those happy； happy times）； when you were sitting on my knee as usual； embracing and embraced； and I asked if you could not love me at last； did you not make answer； in the softest tones that ever man heard； 'I COULD EASILY SAY SO； WHETHER I DID OR NOT； YOU SHOULD JUDGE BY MY ACTIONS！' Was I to blame in taking you at your word； when every hope I had depended on your sincerity？ And did you not say since I came back； 'YOUR FEELINGS TO ME WERE THE SAME AS EVER？' Why then is your behaviour so different？〃 S。 〃Is it nothing； your exposing me to the whole house in the way you did the other evening？〃 H。 〃Nay； that was the consequence of your cruel reception of me； not the cause of it。 I had better have gone away last year； as I proposed to do； unless you would give some pledge of your fidelity； but it was your own offer that I should remain。 'Why should I go？' you said； 'Why could we not go on the same as we had done； and say nothing about the word FOREVER？'〃 S。 〃And how did you behave when you returned？〃 H。 〃That was all forgiven when we last parted； and your last words were； 'I should find you the same as ever' when I came home？ Did you not that very day enchant and madden me over again by the purest kisses and embraces； and did I not go from you （as I said） adoring； confiding； with every assurance of mutual esteem and friendship？〃 S。 〃Yes； and in your absence I found that you had told my aunt what had passed between us。〃 H。 〃It was to induce her to extort your real sentiments from you； that you might no longer make a secret of your true regard for me； which your actions （but not your words） confessed。〃 S。 〃I own I have been guilty of improprieties； which you have gone and repeated； not only in the house； but out of it； so that it has come to my ears from various quarters； as if I was a light character。 And I am determined in future to be guided by the advice of my relations； and particularly of my aunt； whom I consider as my best friend； and keep every lodger at a proper distance。〃 You will find hereafter that her favourite lodger； whom she visits daily； had left the house； so that she might easily make and keep this vow of extraordinary self…denial。 Precious little dissembler！ Yet her aunt； her best friend； says； 〃No； Sir； no； Sarah's no hypocrite！〃 which I was fool enough to believe； and yet my great and unpardonable offence is to have entertained passing doubts on this delicate point。 I said； Whatever errors I had committed； arose from
