liber amoris-第13节
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door； my hand in hers （would that they could have grown together！） she was dressed in a loose morning…gown； her hair curled beautifully； she stood with her profile to me； and looked down the whole time。 No expression was ever more soft or perfect。 Her whole attitude； her whole form； was dignity and bewitching grace。 I said to her； 〃You look like a queen； my love； adorned with your own graces！〃 I grew idolatrous； and would have kneeled to her。 She made a movement； as if she was displeased。 I tried to draw her towards me。 She wouldn't。 I then got up； and offered to kiss her at parting。 I found she obstinately refused。 This stung me to the quick。 It was the first time in her life she had ever done so。 There must be some new bar between us to produce these continued denials； and she had not even esteem enough left to tell me so。 I followed her half…way down…stairs； but to no purpose； and returned into my room； confirmed in my most dreadful surmises。 I could bear it no longer。 I gave way to all the fury of disappointed hope and jealous passion。 I was made the dupe of trick and cunning； killed with cold； sullen scorn； and； after all the agony I had suffered； could obtain no explanation why I was subjected to it。 I was still to be tantalized； tortured； made the cruel sport of one； for whom I would have sacrificed all。 I tore the locket which contained her hair （and which I used to wear continually in my bosom； as the precious token of her dear regard） from my neck； and trampled it in pieces。 I then dashed the little Buonaparte on the ground； and stamped upon it； as one of her instruments of mockery。 I could not stay in the room； I could not leave it； my rage； my despair were uncontroulable。 I shrieked curses on her name； and on her false love； and the scream I uttered （so pitiful and so piercing was it； that the sound of it terrified me） instantly brought the whole house； father； mother； lodgers and all； into the room。 They thought I was destroying her and myself。 I had gone into the bedroom； merely to hide away from myself； and as I came out of it； raging…mad with the new sense of present shame and lasting misery； Mrs。 F said； 〃She's in there！ He has got her in there！〃 thinking the cries had proceeded from her； and that I had been offering her violence。 〃Oh！ no；〃 I said； 〃She's in no danger from me； I am not the person；〃 and tried to burst from this scene of degradation。 The mother endeavoured to stop me； and said； 〃For God's sake； don't go out； Mr。 …！ for God's sake； don't！〃 Her father； who was not； I believe； in the secret； and was therefore justly scandalised at such outrageous conduct； said angrily； 〃Let him go！ Why should he stay？〃 I however sprang down stairs； and as they called out to me； 〃What is it？What has she done to you？〃 I answered； 〃She has murdered me！She has destroyed me for ever！She has doomed my soul to perdition！〃 I rushed out of the house； thinking to quit it forever； but I was no sooner in the street； than the desolation and the darkness became greater； more intolerable； and the eddying violence of my passion drove me back to the source； from whence it sprung。 This unexpected explosion； with the conjectures to which it would give rise； could not be very agreeable to the precieuse or her family； and when I went back； the father was waiting at the door； as if anticipating this sudden turn of my feelings； with no friendly aspect。 I said； 〃I have to beg pardon； Sir； but my mad fit is over； and I wish to say a few words to you in private。〃 He seemed to hesitate； but some uneasy forebodings on his own account； probably； prevailed over his resentment； or； perhaps （as philosophers have a desire to know the cause of thunder） it was a natural curiosity to know what circumstances of provocation had given rise to such an extraordinary scene of confusion。 When we reached my room； I requested him to be seated。 I said； 〃It is true； Sir； I have lost my peace of mind for ever； but at present I am quite calm and collected； and I wish to explain to you why I have behaved in so extravagant a way； and to ask for your advice and intercession。〃 He appeared satisfied； and I went on。 I had no chance either of exculpating myself； or of probing the question to the bottom； but by stating the naked truth； and therefore I said at once； 〃Sarah told me； Sir （and I never shall forget the way in which she told me； fixing her dove's eyes upon me； and looking a thousand tender reproaches for the loss of that good opinion； which she held dearer than all the world） she told me； Sir； that as you one day passed the door； which stood a…jar； you saw her in an attitude which a good deal startled you； I mean sitting in my lap； with her arms round my neck； and mine twined round her in the fondest manner。 What I wished to ask was； whether this was actually the case； or whether it was a mere invention of her own； to enhance the sense of my obligations to her； for I begin to doubt everything？〃〃Indeed； it was so； and very much surprised and hurt I was to see it。〃 〃Well then； Sir； I can only say； that as you saw her sitting then； so she had been sitting for the last year and a half； almost every day of her life； by the hour together； and you may judge yourself； knowing what a nice modest…looking girl she is； whether； after having been admitted to such intimacy with so sweet a creature； and for so long a time； it is not enough to make any one frantic to be received by her as I have been since my return； without any provocation given or cause assigned for it。〃 The old man answered very seriously； and； as I think； sincerely； 〃What you now tell me； Sir； mortifies and shocks me as much as it can do yourself。 I had no idea such a thing was possible。 I was much pained at what I saw； but I thought it an accident； and that it would never happen again。〃〃It was a constant habit； it has happened a hundred times since； and a thousand before。 I lived on her caresses as my daily food； nor can I live without them。〃 So I told him the whole story； 〃what conjurations； and what mighty magic I won his daughter with；〃 to be anything but MINE FOR LIFE。 Nothing could well exceed his astonishment and apparent mortification。 〃What I had said；〃 he owned； 〃had left a weight upon his mind that he should not easily get rid of。〃 I told him； 〃For myself； I never could recover the blow I had received。 I thought； however； for her own sake； she ought to alter her present behaviour。 Her marked neglect and dislike； so far from justifying； left her former intimacies without excuse； for nothing could reconcile them to propriety； or even a pretence to common decency； but either love； or friendship so strong and pure that it could put on the guise of love。 She was certainly a singular girl。 Did she think it right and becoming to be free with strangers； and strange to old friends？〃 I frankly declared； 〃I did not see how it was in human nature for any one who was not rendered callous to such familiarities by bestowing them indiscriminately on every one； to grant the extreme and continued indulgences she had done to me； without either liking the man at first； or coming to like him in the end； in spite of herself。 When my addresses had nothing； and could have nothing honourable in them； she gave them every encouragement； when I wished to make them honourable； she treated them with the utmost contempt。 The terms we had been all along on were such as if she had been to be my bride next day。 It was only when I wished her actually to become so； to ensure her own character and my happiness； that she shrunk back with precipitation and panic…fear。 There seemed to me something wrong in all this； a want both of common propriety； and I might say； of natural feeling； yet； with all her faults； I loved her； and ever should； beyond any other human being。 I had drank in the poison of her sweetness too long ever to be cured of it； and though I might find it to be poison in the end； it was still in my veins。 My only ambition was to be permitted to live with her； and to die in her arms。 Be she what she would； treat me how she would； I felt that my soul was wedded to hers； and were she a mere lost creature； I would try to snatch her from perdition； and marry her to…morrow if she would have me。 That was the question〃Would she have me； or would she not？〃 He said he could not tell； but should not attempt to put any constraint upon her inclinations； one way or other。 I acquiesced； and added； that 〃I had brought all this upon myself； by acting contrary to the suggestions of my friend； Mr。 …； who had desired me to take no notice whether she came near me or kept away； whether she smiled or frowned； was kind or contemptuousall you have to do； is to wait patiently for a month till you are your own man； as you will be in all probability； then make her an offer of your hand； and if she refuses； there's an end of the matter。〃 Mr。 L。 said； 〃Well； Sir； and I don't think you can follow a better advice！〃 I took this as at least a sort of negative encouragement； and so we parted。
TO THE SAME
（In continuation）
My dear Friend； The next day I felt almost as sailors must do after a violent storm over…night； that has subsided towards daybreak。 The morning was a dull and
