novel notes-第40节

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　down　opposite　and　cried　too；　while　helping　him　to　hold　a　saucepan　lid　over　the　poor　little　creatures；　and　thus　there　sprang　up　a　friendship　between　us；　which　grew。

Over　the　grave　of　these　murdered　rodents；　he　took　a　solemn　oath　never　to　break　school　rules　again；　by　keeping　either　white　mice　or　tame　rats；　but　to　devote　the　whole　of　his　energies　for　the　future　to　pleasing　his　masters；　and　affording　his　parents　some　satisfaction　for　the　money　being　spent　upon　his　education。

Seven　weeks　later；　the　pervadence　throughout　the　dormitory　of　an　atmospheric　effect　more　curious　than　pleasing　led　to　the　discovery　that　he　had　converted　his　box　into　a　rabbit　hutch。　　Confronted　with　eleven　kicking　witnesses；　and　reminded　of　his　former　promises；　he　explained　that　rabbits　were　not　mice；　and　seemed　to　consider　that　a　new　and　vexatious　regulation　had　been　sprung　upon　him。　　The　rabbits　were　confiscated。　　What　was　their　ultimate　fate；　we　never　knew　with　certainty；　but　three　days　later　we　were　given　rabbit…pie　for　dinner。　To　comfort　him　I　endeavoured　to　assure　him　that　these　could　not　be　his　rabbits。　　He；　however；　convinced　that　they　were；　cried　steadily　into　his　plate　all　the　time　that　he　was　eating　them；　and　afterwards；　in　the　playground；　had　a　stand…up　fight　with　a　fourth　form　boy　who　had　requested　a　second　helping。

That　evening　he　performed　another　solemn　oath…taking；　and　for　the　next　month　was　the　model　boy　of　the　school。　　He　read　tracts；　sent　his　spare　pocket…money　to　assist　in　annoying　the　heathen；　and　subscribed　to　The　Young　Christian　and　The　Weekly　Rambler；　an　Evangelical　Miscellany　（whatever　that　may　mean）。　　An　undiluted　course　of　this　pernicious　literature　naturally　created　in　him　a　desire　towards　the　opposite　extreme。　　He　suddenly　dropped　The　Young　Christian　and　The　Weekly　Rambler；　and　purchased　penny　dreadfuls；　and　taking　no　further　interest　in　the　welfare　of　the　heathen；　saved　up　and　bought　a　second…hand　revolver　and　a　hundred　cartridges。　　His　ambition；　he　confided　to　me；　was　to　become　〃a　dead　shot；〃　and　the　marvel　of　it　is　that　he　did　not　succeed。

Of　course；　there　followed　the　usual　discovery　and　consequent　trouble；　the　usual　repentance　and　reformation；　the　usual　determination　to　start　a　new　life。

Poor　fellow；　he　lived　〃starting　a　new　life。〃　　Every　New　Year's　Day　he　would　start　a　new　lifeon　his　birthdayon　other　people's　birthdays。　　I　fancy　that；　later　on；　when　he　came　to　know　their　importance；　he　extended　the　principle　to　quarter　days。　　〃Tidying　up；　and　starting　afresh；〃　he　always　called　it。

I　think　as　a　young　man　he　was　better　than　most　of　us。　　But　he　lacked　that　great　gift　which　is　the　distinguishing　feature　of　the　English…　speaking　race　all　the　world　over；　the　gift　of　hypocrisy。　　He　seemed　incapable　of　doing　the　slightest　thing　without　getting　found　out；　a　grave　misfortune　for　a　man　to　suffer　from；　this。

Dear　simple…hearted　fellow；　it　never　occurred　to　him　that　he　was　as　other　menwith；　perhaps；　a　dash　of　straightforwardness　added；　he　regarded　himself　as　a　monster　of　depravity。　　One　evening　I　found　him　in　his　chambers　engaged　upon　his　Sisyphean　labour　of　〃tidying　up。〃　A　heap　of　letters；　photographs；　and　bills　lay　before　him。　　He　was　tearing　them　up　and　throwing　them　into　the　fire。

I　came　towards　him；　but　he　stopped　me。　　〃Don't　come　near　me；〃　he　cried；　〃don't　touch　me。　　I'm　not　fit　to　shake　hands　with　a　decent　man。〃

It　was　the　sort　of　speech　to　make　one　feel　hot　and　uncomfortable。　　I　did　not　know　what　to　answer；　and　murmured　something　about　his　being　no　worse　than　the　average。

〃Don't　talk　like　that；〃　he　answered　excitedly；　〃you　say　that　to　comfort　me；　I　know；　but　I　don't　like　to　hear　it。　　If　I　thought　other　men　were　like　me　I　should　be　ashamed　of　being　a　man。　　I've　been　a　blackguard；　old　fellow；　but；　please　God；　it's　not　too　late。　　To…　morrow　morning　I　begin　a　new　life。〃

He　finished　his　work　of　destruction；　and　then　rang　the　bell；　and　sent　his　man　downstairs　for　a　bottle　of　champagne。

〃My　last　drink；〃　he　said；　as　we　clicked　glasses。　　〃Here's　to　the　old　life　out；　and　the　new　life　in。〃

He　took　a　sip　and　flung　the　glass　with　the　remainder　into　the　fire。　He　was　always　a　little　theatrical；　especially　when　most　in　earnest。

For　a　long　while　after　that　I　saw　nothing　of　him。　　Then；　one　evening；　sitting　down　to　supper　at　a　restaurant；　I　noticed　him　opposite　to　me　in　company　that　could　hardly　be　called　doubtful。

He　flushed　and　came　over　to　me。　　〃I've　been　an　old　woman　for　nearly　six　months；〃　he　said；　with　a　laugh。　　〃I　find　I　can't　stand　it　any　longer。〃

〃After　all；〃　he　continued；　〃what　is　life　for　but　to　live？　　It's　only　hypocritical　to　try　and　be　a　thing　we　are　not。　　And　do　you　know〃he　leant　across　the　table；　speaking　earnestly〃honestly　and　seriously；　I'm　a　better　manI　feel　it　and　know　itwhen　I　am　my　natural　self　than　when　I　am　trying　to　be　an　impossible　saint。〃

That　was　the　mistake　he　made；　he　always　ran　to　extremes。　　He　thought　that　an　oath；　if　it　were　only　big　enough；　would　frighten　away　Human　Nature；　instead　of　serving　only　as　a　challenge　to　it。　　Accordingly；　each　reformation　was　more　intemperate　than　the　last；　to　be　duly　followed　by　a　greater　swing　of　the　pendulum　in　the　opposite　direction。

Being　now　in　a　thoroughly　reckless　mood；　he　went　the　pace　rather　hotly。　　Then；　one　evening；　without　any　previous　warning；　I　had　a　note　from　him。　　〃Come　round　and　see　me　on　Thursday。　　It　is　my　wedding　eve。〃

I　went。　　He　was　once　more　〃tidying　up。〃　　All　his　drawers　were　open；　and　on　the　table　were　piled　packs　of　cards；　betting　books；　and　much　written　paper；　all；　as　before；　in　course　of　demolition。

I　smiled：　　I　could　not　help　it；　and；　no　way　abashed；　he　laughed　his　usual　hearty；　honest　laugh。

〃I　know；〃　he　exclaimed　gaily；　〃but　this　is　not　the　same　as　the　others。〃

Then；　laying　his　hand　on　my　shoulder；　and　speaking　with　the　sudden　seriousness　that　comes　so　readily　to　shallow　natures；　he　said；　〃God　has　heard　my　prayer；　old　friend。　　He　knows　I　am　weak。　　He　has　sent　down　an　angel　out　of　Heaven　to　help　me。〃

He　took　her　portrait　from　the　mantelpiece　and　handed　it　me。　　It　seemed　to　me　the　face　of　a　hard；　narrow　woman；　but；　of　course；　he　raved　about　her。

As　he　talked；　there　fluttered　to　the　ground　from　the　heap　before　him　an　old　restaurant　bill；　and；　stooping；　he　picked　it　up　and　held　it　in　his　hand；　musing。

〃Have　you　ever　noticed　how　the　scent　of　the　champagne　and　the　candles　seems　to　cling　to　these　things？〃　he　said　lightly；　sniffing　carelessly　at　it。　　〃I　wonder　what's　become　of　her？〃

〃I　think　I　wouldn't　think　about　her　at　all　tonight；〃　I　answered。

He　loosened　his　hand；　letting　the　paper　fall　into　the　fire。

〃My　God！〃　he　cried　vehemently；　〃when　I　think　of　all　the　wrong　I　have　donethe　irreparable；　ever…widening　ruin　I　have　perhaps　brought　into　the　worldO　God！　spare　me　a　long　life　that　I　may　make　amends。　Every　hour；　every　minute　of　it　shall　be　devoted　to　your　service。〃

As　he　stood　there；　with　his　eager　boyish　eyes　upraised；　a　light　seemed　to　fall　upon　his　face　and　illumine　it。　　I　had　pushed　the　photograph　back　to　him；　and　it　lay　upon　the　table　before　him。　　He　knelt　and　pressed　his　lips　to　it。

〃With　your　help；　my　darling；　and　His；〃　he　murmured。

The　next　morning　he　was　married。　　She　was　a　well…meaning　girl；　though　her　piety；　as　is　the　case　with　most　people；　was　of　the　negative　order；　and　her　antipathy　to　things　evil　much　stronger　than　her　sympathy　with　things　good。　　For　a　longer　time　than　I　had　expected　she　kept　him　straightperhaps　a　little　too　straight。　　But　at　last　there　came　the　inevitable　relapse。

I　called　upon　him；　in　answer　to　an　excited　message；　and　found　him　in　the　depths　of　despair。　　It　was　the　old　story；　human　weakness；　combined　with　lamentable　lack　of　the　most　ordinary　precautions　against　being　found　out。　　He　gave　me　details；　interspersed　with　exuberant　denunciations　of　himself；　and　I　undertook　the　delicate　task　of　peace…maker。

It　was　a　weary　work；　but　eventually　she　consented　to　forgive　him。　His　joy；　when　I　told　him；　was　boundless。

〃How　good　women　are；〃　he　said；　while　the　tears　came　into　his　eyes。　〃But　she　shall　not　repent　it。　　Please　God；　from　this　day　forth；　I'll〃

He　stopped；　and　for　the　first　time　in　his　life　the　doubt　of　himself　crossed　his　mind。　　As　I　sat　watching　him；　the　joy　died　out　of　his　face；　and　the　first　hint　of　age　passed　over　it。

〃I　seem　to　have　been　'tidying　up　and　starting　afresh'　all　my　life；〃　he　said　wearily；　〃I'm　beginning　to　see　where　the　untidiness　lies；　and　the　only　way　to　get　rid　of　it。〃

I　did　not　understand　the　meaning　of　his　words　at　the　time；　but　learnt　it　later　on。

He　strove；　according　to　his　strength；　and　fell。　　But　by　a　miracle　his　transgression　was　not　discovered。　　The　facts　came　to　light　long　afterwards；　but　at　the　time　there　were　only　two　who　knew。

It　was　his　last　failure。　　Late　one　evening　I　received　a　hurriedly…　scrawled　note　from　his　wife；　begging　me　to　come　round。

〃A　terrible　thing　has　happened；〃　it　ran；　〃Charley　went　up　to　his　study　after　dinner；　saying　he　had　some　'tidying　up；'　as　he　calls　it；　to　do；　and　did　not　wish　to　be　disturbed。　　In　clearing　out　his　desk　he　must　have　handled　carelessly　the　revolver　that　he　always　keeps　there；　not　remembering；　I　suppose；　that　it　was　loaded。　　We　heard　a　report；　and　on　rushing