idle ideas in 1905-第32节

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arriving　from　every　quarter：　　resistance　in　the　circumstances　seemed
hopeless。　　He　said　he　would　get　down。　　He　made　to　descend　this　time
by　the　proper　gate；　but　that　was　not　justice。　　He　had　mounted　the
wrong　side；　he　must　alight　on　the　wrong　side。　　Accordingly；　he　was
put　out　amongst　the　traffic；　after　which　the　conductor　preached　a
sermon　from　the　centre　of　the　tram　on　the　danger　of　ascents　and
descents　conducted　from　the　wrong　quarter。

There　is　a　law　throughout　Germanyan　excellent　law　it　is：　　I　would
we　had　it　in　Englandthat　nobody　may　scatter　paper　about　the　street。
An　English　military　friend　told　me　that；　one　day　in　Dresden；
unacquainted　with　this　rule；　he　tore　a　long　letter　he　had　been
reading　into　some　fifty　fragments　and　threw　them　behind　him。　　A
policeman　stopped　him　and　explained　to　him　quite　politely　the　law
upon　the　subject。　　My　military　friend　agreed　that　it　was　a　very　good
law；　thanked　the　man　for　his　information；　and　said　that　for　the
future　he　would　bear　it　in　mind。　　That；　as　the　policeman　pointed　out；
would　make　things　right　enough　for　the　future；　but　meanwhile　it　was
necessary　to　deal　with　the　pastwith　the　fifty　or　so　pieces　of　paper
lying　scattered　about　the　road　and　pavement。

My　military　friend；　with　a　pleasant　laugh；　confessed　he　did　not　see
what　was　to　be　done。　　The　policeman；　more　imaginative；　saw　a　way　out。
It　was　that　my　military　friend　should　set　to　work　and　pick　up　those
fifty　scraps　of　paper。　　He　is　an　English　General　on　the　Retired　List；
and　of　imposing　appearance：　　his　manner　on　occasion　is　haughty。　　He
did　not　see　himself　on　his　hands　and　knees　in　the　chief　street　of
Dresden；　in　the　middle　of　the　afternoon；　picking　up　paper。

The　German　policeman　himself　admitted　that　the　situation　was　awkward。
If　the　English　General　could　not　accept　it　there　happened　to　be　an
alternative。　　It　was　that　the　English　General　should　accompany　the
policeman　through　the　streets；　followed　by　the　usual　crowd；　to　the
nearest　prison；　some　three　miles　off。　　It　being　now　four　o'clock　in
the　afternoon；　they　would　probably　find　the　judge　departed。　　But　the
most　comfortable　thing　possible　in　prison　cells　should　be　allotted　to
him；　and　the　policeman　had　little　doubt　that　the　General；　having　paid
his　fine　of　forty　marks；　would　find　himself　a　free　man　again　in　time
for　lunch　the　following　day。　　The　general　suggested　hiring　a　boy　to
pick　up　the　paper。　　The　policeman　referred　to　the　wording　of　the　law；
and　found　that　this　would　not　be　permitted。

〃I　thought　the　matter　out；〃　my　friend　told　me；　〃imagining　all　the
possible　alternatives；　including　that　of　knocking　the　fellow　down　and
making　a　bolt；　and　came　to　the　conclusion　that　his　first　suggestion
would；　on　the　whole；　result　in　the　least　discomfort。　　But　I　had　no
idea　that　picking　up　small　scraps　of　thin　paper　off　greasy　stones　was
the　business　that　I　found　it！　　It　took　me　nearly　ten　minutes；　and
afforded　amusement；　I　calculate；　to　over　a　thousand　people。　　But　it
is　a　good　law；　mind　you：　　all　I　wish　is　that　I　had　known　it
beforehand。〃

On　one　occasion　I　accompanied　an　American　lady　to　a　German　Opera
House。　　The　taking…off　of　hats　in　the　German　Schausspielhaus　is
obligatory；　and　again　I　would　it　were　so　in　England。　　But　the
American　lady　is　accustomed　to　disregard　rules　made　by　mere　man。　　She
explained　to　the　doorkeeper　that　she　was　going　to　wear　her　hat。　　He；
on　his　side；　explained　to　her　that　she　was　not：　　they　were　both　a　bit
short　with　one　another。　　I　took　the　opportunity　to　turn　aside　and　buy
a　programme：　　the　fewer　people　there　are　mixed　up　in　an　argument；　I
always　think；　the　better。

My　companion　explained　quite　frankly　to　the　doorkeeper　that　it　did
not　matter　what　he　said；　she　was　not　going　to　take　any　notice　of　him。
He　did　not　look　a　talkative　man　at　any　time；　and；　maybe；　this
announcement　further　discouraged　him。　　In　any　case；　he　made　no
attempt　to　answer。　　All　he　did　was　to　stand　in　the　centre　of　the
doorway　with　a　far…away　look　in　his　eyes。　　The　doorway　was　some　four
feet　wide：　　he　was　about　three　feet　six　across；　and　weighed　about
twenty　stone。　　As　I　explained；　I　was　busy　buying　a　programme；　and
when　I　returned　my　friend　had　her　hat　in　her　hand；　and　was　digging
pins　into　it：　　I　think　she　was　trying　to　make　believe　it　was　the
heart　of　the　doorkeeper。　　She　did　not　want　to　listen　to　the　opera；
she　wanted　to　talk　all　the　time　about　that　doorkeeper；　but　the　people
round　us　would　not　even　let　her　do　that。

She　has　spent　three　winters　in　Germany　since　then。　　Now　when　she
feels　like　passing　through　a　door　that　is　standing　wide　open　just　in
front　of　her；　and　which　leads　to　just　the　place　she　wants　to　get　to；
and　an　official　shakes　his　head　at　her；　and　explains　that　she　must
not；　but　must　go　up　two　flights　of　stairs　and　along　a　corridor　and
down　another　flight　of　stairs；　and　so　get　to　her　place　that　way；　she
apologises　for　her　error　and　trots　off　looking　ashamed　of　herself。

Continental　Governments　have　trained　their　citizens　to　perfection。
Obedience　is　the　Continent's　first　law。　　The　story　that　is　told　of　a
Spanish　king　who　was　nearly　drowned　because　the　particular　official
whose　duty　it　was　to　dive　in　after　Spanish　kings　when　they　tumbled
out　of　boats　happened　to　be　dead；　and　his　successor　had　not　yet　been
appointed；　I　can　quite　believe。　　On　the　Continental　railways　if　you
ride　second　class　with　a　first…class　ticket　you　render　yourself
liable　to　imprisonment。　　What　the　penalty　is　for　riding　first　with　a
second…class　ticket　I　cannot　sayprobably　death；　though　a　friend　of
mine　came　very　near　on　one　occasion　to　finding　out。

All　would　have　gone　well　with　him　if　he　had　not　been　so　darned
honest。　　He　is　one　of　those　men　who　pride　themselves　on　being　honest。
I　believe　he　takes　a　positive　pleasure　in　being　honest。　　He　had
purchased　a　second…class　ticket　for　a　station　up　a　mountain；　but
meeting；　by　chance　on　the　platform；　a　lady　acquaintance；　had　gone
with　her　into　a　first…class　apartment。　　On　arriving　at　the　journey's
end　he　explained　to　the　collector　what　he　had　done；　and；　with　his
purse　in　his　hand；　demanded　to　know　the　difference。　　They　took　him
into　a　room　and　locked　the　door。　　They　wrote　out　his　confession　and
read　it　over　to　him；　and　made　him　sign　it；　and　then　they　sent　for　a
policeman。

The　policeman　cross…examined　him　for　about　a　quarter　of　an　hour。
They　did　not　believe　the　story　about　the　lady。　　Where　was　the　lady？
He　did　not　know。　　They　searched　the　neighbourhood　for　her；　but　could
not　find　her。　　He　suggestedwhat　turned　out　to　be　the　truththat；
tired　of　loitering　about　the　station；　she　had　gone　up　the　mountain。
An　Anarchist　outrage　had　occurred　in　the　neighbouring　town　some
months　before。　　The　policeman　suggested　searching　for　bombs。
Fortunately；　a　Cook's　agent；　returning　with　a　party　of　tourists；
arrived　upon　the　scene；　and　took　it　upon　himself　to　explain　in
delicate　language　that　my　friend　was　a　bit　of　an　ass　and　could　not
tell　first　class　from　second。　　It　was　the　red　cushions　that　had
deceived　my　friend：　　he　thought　it　was　first　class；　as　a　matter　of
fact　it　was　second　class。

Everybody　breathed　again。　　The　confession　was　torn　up　amid　universal
joy：　　and　then　the　fool　of　a　ticket　collector　wanted　to　know　about
the　ladywho　must　have　travelled　in　a　second…class　compartment　with
a　first…class　ticket。　　It　looked　as　if　a　bad　time　were　in　store　for
her　on　her　return　to　the　station。

But　the　admirable　representative　of　Cook　was　again　equal　to　the
occasion。　　He　explained　that　my　friend　was　also　a　bit　of　a　liar。
When　he　said　he　had　travelled　with　this　lady　he　was　merely　boasting。
He　would　like　to　have　travelled　with　her；　that　was　all　he　meant；　only
his　German　was　shaky。　　Joy　once　more　entered　upon　the　scene。　　My
friend's　character　appeared　to　be　re…established。　　He　was　not　the
abandoned　wretch　for　whom　they　had　taken　himonly；　apparently；　a
wandering　idiot。　　Such　an　one　the　German　official　could　respect。　　At
the　expense　of　such　an　one　the　German　official　even　consented　to
drink　beer。

Not　only　the　foreign　man；　woman　and　child；　but　the　foreign　dog　is
born　good。　　In　England；　if　you　happen　to　be　the　possessor　of　a　dog；
much　of　your　time　is　taken　up　dragging　him　out　of　fights；　quarrelling
with　the　possessor　of　the　other　dog　as　to　which　began　it；　explaining
to　irate　elderly　ladies　that　he　did　not　kill　the　cat；　that　the　cat
must　have　died　of　heart　disease　while　running　across　the　road；
assuring　disbelieving　game…keepers　that　he　is　not　your　dog；　that　you
have　not　the　faintest　notion　whose　dog　he　is。　　With　the　foreign　dog；
life　is　a　peaceful　proceeding。　　When　the　foreign　dog　sees　a　row；
tears　spring　to　his　eyes：　　he　hastens　on　and　tries　to　find　a
policeman。　　When　the　foreign　dog　sees　a　cat　in　a　hurry；　he　stands
aside　to　allow　her　to　pass。　　They　dress　the　foreign　dogsome　of
themin　a　little　coat；　with　a　pocket　for　his　handkerchief；　and　put
shoes　on　his　feet。　　They　have　not　given　him　a　hatnot　yet。　　When
they　do；　he　will　contrive　by　some　means　or　another　to　raise　it
politely　when　he　meets　a　cat　he　thinks　he　knows。

One　morning；　in　a　Continental　city；　I　came　across　a　disturbanceit
might　be　more　correct　to　say　the　disturbance　came　across　me：　　it
swept　do