idle ideas in 1905-第1节

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Idle　Ideas　in　1905

by　Jerome　K。　Jerome






Contents：

Are　We　As　Interesting　As　We　Think　We　Are？
Should　Women　Be　Beautiful？
When　Is　The　Best　Time　To　Be　Merry？
Do　We　Lie　A…Bed　Too　Late？
Should　Married　Men　Play　Golf？
Are　Early　Marriages　A　Mistake？
Do　Writers　Write　Too　Much？
Should　Soldiers　Be　Polite？
Ought　Stories　To　Be　True？
Creatures　That　One　Day　Shall　Be　Men
How　To　Be　Happy　Though　Little
Should　We　Say　What　We　Think；　Or　Think　What　We　Say？
Is　The　American　Husband　Made　Entirely　Of　Stained　Glass
Does　The　Young　Man　Know　Everything　Worth　Knowing？
How　Many　Charms　Hath　Music；　Would　You　Say？
The　white　man's　burden！　　Need　it　be　so　heavy？
Why　Didn't　He　Marry　The　Girl？
What　Mrs。　Wilkins　thought　about　it
Shall　We　Be　Ruined　By　Chinese　Cheap　Labour？
How　To　Solve　The　Servant　Problem
Why　We　Hate　The　Foreigner






ARE　WE　AS　INTERESTING　AS　WE　THINK　WE　ARE？



〃Charmed。　　Very　hot　weather　we've　been　having　of　lateI　mean　cold。
Let　me　see；　I　did　not　quite　catch　your　name　just　now。　　Thank　you　so
much。　　Yes；　it　is　a　bit　close。〃　　And　a　silence　falls；　neither　of　us
being　able　to　think　what　next　to　say。

What　has　happened　is　this：　　My　host　has　met　me　in　the　doorway；　and
shaken　me　heartily　by　the　hand。

〃So　glad　you　were　able　to　come；〃　he　has　said。　　〃Some　friends　of　mine
here；　very　anxious　to　meet　you。〃　　He　has　bustled　me　across　the　room。
〃Delightful　people。　　You'll　like　themhave　read　all　your　books。〃

He　has　brought　me　up　to　a　stately　lady；　and　has　presented　me。　　We
have　exchanged　the　customary　commonplaces；　and　she；　I　feel；　is
waiting　for　me　to　say　something　clever；　original　and　tactful。　　And　I
don't　know　whether　she　is　Presbyterian　or　Mormon；　a　Protectionist　or
a　Free　Trader；　whether　she　is　engaged　to　be　married　or　has　lately
been　divorced！

A　friend　of　mine　adopts　the　sensible　plan　of　always　providing　you
with　a　short　history　of　the　person　to　whom　he　is　about　to　lead　you。

〃I　want　to　introduce　you　to　a　Mrs。　Jones；〃　he　whispers。　　〃Clever
woman。　　Wrote　a　book　two　years　ago。　　Forget　the　name　of　it。
Something　about　twins。　　Keep　away　from　sausages。　　Father　ran　a　pork
shop　in　the　Borough。　　Husband　on　the　Stock　Exchange。　　Keep　off　coke。
Unpleasantness　about　a　company。　　You'll　get　on　best　by　sticking　to
the　book。　　Lot　in　it　about　platonic　friendship。　　Don't　seem　to　be
looking　too　closely　at　her。　　Has　a　slight　squint　she　tries　to　hide。〃

By　this　time　we　have　reached　the　lady；　and　he　introduces　me　as　a
friend　of　his　who　is　simply　dying　to　know　her。

〃Wants　to　talk　about　your　book；〃　he　explains。　　〃Disagrees　with　you
entirely　on　the　subject　of　platonic　friendship。　　Sure　you'll　be　able
to　convince　him。〃

It　saves　us　both　a　deal　of　trouble。　　I　start　at　once　on　platonic
friendship；　and　ask　her　questions　about　twins；　avoiding　sausages　and
coke。　　She　thinks　me　an　unusually　interesting　man；　and　I　am　less
bored　than　otherwise　I　might　be。

I　have　sometimes　thought　it　would　be　a　serviceable　device　if；　in
Society；　we　all　of　us　wore　a　neat　cardpinned；　say；　upon　our　back
setting　forth　such　information　as　was　necessary；　our　name　legibly
written；　and　how　to　be　pronounced；　our　age　（not　necessarily　in　good
faith；　but　for　purposes　of　conversation。　　Once　I　seriously　hurt　a
German　lady　by　demanding　of　her　information　about　the　Franco…German
war。　　She　looked　to　me　as　if　she　could　not　object　to　being　taken　for
forty。　　It　turned　out　she　was　thirty…seven。　　Had　I　not　been　an
Englishman　I　might　have　had　to　fight　a　duel）；　our　religious　and
political　beliefs；　together　with　a　list　of　the　subjects　we　were　most
at　home　upon；　and　a　few　facts　concerning　our　careersufficient　to
save　the　stranger　from；　what　is　vulgarly　termed　〃putting　his　foot　in
it。〃　　Before　making　jokes　about　〃Dumping；〃　or　discussing　the　question
of　Chinese　Cheap　Labour；　one　would　glance　behind　and　note　whether
one's　companion　was　ticketed　〃Whole…hogger；〃　or　〃Pro…Boer。〃　　Guests
desirous　of　agreeable　partnersan　〃agreeable　person；〃　according　to
the　late　Lord　Beaconsfield's　definition；　being　〃a　person　who　agrees
with　you〃could　make　their　own　selection。

〃Excuse　me。　　Would　you　mind　turning　round　a　minute？　　Ah；　'Wagnerian
Crank！'　　I　am　afraid　we　should　not　get　on　together。　I　prefer　the
Italian　school。〃

Or；　〃How　delightful。　　I　see　you　don't　believe　in　vaccination。　　May　I
take　you　into　supper？〃

Those；　on　the　other　hand；　fond　of　argument　would　choose　a　suitable
opponent。　　A　master　of　ceremonies　might　be　provided　who　would　stand
in　the　centre　of　the　room　and　call　for　partners：　　〃Lady　with　strong
views　in　favour　of　female　franchise　wishes　to　meet　gentleman　holding
the　opinions　of　St。　Paul。　　With　view　to　argument。〃

An　American　lady；　a　year　or　two　ago；　wrote　me　a　letter　that　did　me
real　good：　　she　appreciated　my　work　with　so　much　understanding；
criticised　it　with　such　sympathetic　interest。　　She　added　that；　when
in　England　the　summer　before；　she　had　been　on　the　point　of　accepting
an　invitation　to　meet　me；　but　at　the　last　moment　she　had　changed　her
mind；　she　felt　so　sureshe　put　it　pleasantly；　but　this　is　what　it
came　tothat　in　my　own　proper　person　I　should　fall　short　of　her
expectations。　　For　my　own　sake　I　felt　sorry　she　had　cried　off；　it
would　have　been　worth　something　to　have　met　so　sensible　a　woman。　　An
author　introduced　to　people　who　have　reador　who　say　that　they　have
readhis　books；　feels　always　like　a　man　taken　for　the　first　time　to
be　shown　to　his　future　wife's　relations。　　They　are　very　pleasant。
They　try　to　put　him　at　his　ease。　　But　he　knows　instinctively　they　are
disappointed　with　him。　　I　remember；　when　a　very　young　man；　attending
a　party　at　which　a　famous　American　humorist　was　the　chief　guest。　　I
was　standing　close　behind　a　lady　who　was　talking　to　her　husband。

〃He　doesn't　look　a　bit　funny；〃　said　the　lady。

〃Great　Scott！〃　answered　her　husband。　　〃How　did　you　expect　him　to
look？　　Did　you　think　he　would　have　a　red　nose　and　a　patch　over　one
eye？〃

〃Oh；　well；　he　might　look　funnier　than　that；　anyhow；〃　retorted　the
lady；　highly　dissatisfied。　　〃It　isn't　worth　coming　for。〃

We　all　know　the　story　of　the　hostess　who；　leaning　across　the　table
during　the　dessert；　requested　of　the　funny　man　that　he　would　kindly
say　something　amusing　soon；　because　the　dear　children　were　waiting　to
go　to　bed。　　Children；　I　suppose；　have　no　use　for　funny　people　who
don't　choose　to　be　funny。　　I　once　invited　a　friend　down　to　my　house
for　a　Saturday　to　Monday。　　He　is　an　entertaining　man；　and　before　he
came　I　dilated　on　his　powers　of　humoursomewhat　foolishly　perhaps
in　the　presence　of　a　certain　youthful　person　who　resides　with　me；　and
who　listens　when　she　oughtn't　to；　and　never　when　she　ought。　　He
happened　not　to　be　in　a　humorous　mood　that　evening。　　My　young
relation；　after　dinner；　climbed　upon　my　knee。　　For　quite　five　minutes
she　sat　silent。　　Then　she　whispered：

〃Has　he　said　anything　funny？〃

〃Hush。　　No；　not　yet；　don't　be　silly。〃

Five　minutes　later：　　〃Was　that　funny？〃

〃No；　of　course　not。〃

〃Why　not？〃

〃Becausecan't　you　hear？　　We　are　talking　about　Old　Age　Pensions。〃

〃What's　that？〃

〃Oh；　it'soh；　never　mind　now。　　It　isn't　a　subject　on　which　one　can
be　funny。〃

〃Then　what's　he　want　to　talk　about　it　for？〃

She　waited　for　another　quarter　of　an　hour。　　Then；　evidently　bored；
and　much　to　my　relief；　suggested　herself　that　she　might　as　well　go　to
bed。　　She　ran　to　me　the　next　morning　in　the　garden　with　an　air　of
triumph。

〃He　said　something　so　funny　last　night；〃　she　told　me。

〃Oh；　what　was　it？〃　I　inquired。　　It　seemed　to　me　I　must　have　missed
it。

〃Well；　I　can't　exactly　'member　it；〃　she　explained；　〃not　just　at　the
moment。　　But　it　was　so　funny。　　I　dreamed　it；　you　know。〃

For　folks　not　Lions；　but　closely　related　to　Lions；　introductions　must
be　trying　ordeals。　　You　tell　them　that　for　years　you　have　been
yearning　to　meet　them。　　You　assure　them；　in　a　voice　trembling　with
emotion；　that　this　is　indeed　a　privilege。　　You　go　on　to　add　that　when
a　boy　…

At　this　point　they　have　to　interrupt　you　to　explain　that　they　are　not
the　Mr。　So…and…So；　but　only　his　cousin　or　his　grandfather；　and　all
you　can　think　of　to　say　is：　　〃Oh；　I'm　so　sorry。〃

I　had　a　nephew　who　was　once　the　amateur　long…distance　bicycle
champion。　　I　have　him　still；　but　he　is　stouter　and　has　come　down　to　a
motor　car。　　In　sporting　circles　I　was　always　introduced　as
〃Shorland's　Uncle。〃　　Close…cropped　young　men　would　gaze　at　me　with
rapture；　and　then　inquire：　　〃And　do　you　do　anything　yourself；　Mr。
Jerome？〃

But　my　case　was　not　so　bad　as　that　of　a　friend　of　mine；　a　doctor。　　He
married　a　leading　actress；　and　was　known　ever　afterwards　as　〃Miss　B…
's　husband。〃

At　public　dinners；　where　one　takes　one's　seat　for　the　evening　next　to
someone　that　one　possibly　has　never　met　before；　and　is　never　likely
to　meet　again；　conversation　is　difficult　and　dangerous。　　I　remember
talking　to　a　lady　at　a　Vagabond　Club　dinner。　　She　asked　me　during　the
entreewith　a　light　laugh；　as　I　afterwards　recalledwhat　I　thought；
candidly；　of　the　last　book　of　a　certain　celebrated　authoress。　　I　told
her；　and　a　coldness　sprang　up　between　us。　　She　happened　to　be　the
certain　celebrated　authoress；　she　had　changed　her　place　at　the　last
moment　so　as　to　avoid　sit