the mysterious stranger-第24节

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life。　　I　can　eat　them　now；　but　I　do　not　like　the　look　of　them。　　I　suppose
we　have　all　experienced　a　surfeit　at　one　time　or　another。　　Once；　in
stress　of　circumstances；　I　ate　part　of　a　barrel　of　sardines；　there　being
nothing　else　at　hand；　but　since　then　I　have　always　been　able　to　get　along
without　sardines。






THE　McWILLIAMSES　AND　THE　BURGLAR　ALARM

The　conversation　drifted　smoothly　and　pleasantly　along　from　weather　to
crops；　from　crops　to　literature；　from　literature　to　scandal；　from　scandal
to　religion；　then　took　a　random　jump；　and　landed　on　the　subject　of
burglar　alarms。　　And　now　for　the　first　time　Mr。　McWilliams　showed
feeling。　　Whenever　I　perceive　this　sign　on　this　man's　dial；　I　comprehend
it；　and　lapse　into　silence；　and　give　him　opportunity　to　unload　his　heart。
Said　he；　with　but　ill…controlled　emotion：

〃I　do　not　go　one　single　cent　on　burglar　alarms；　Mr。　Twainnot　a　single
centand　I　will　tell　you　why。　　When　we　were　finishing　our　house；　we
found　we　had　a　little　cash　left　over；　on　account　of　the　plumber　not
knowing　it。　　I　was　for　enlightening　the　heathen　with　it；　for　I　was　always
unaccountably　down　on　the　heathen　somehow；　but　Mrs。　McWilliams　said　no；
let's　have　a　burglar　alarm。　　I　agreed　to　this　compromise。　　I　will　explain
that　whenever　I　want　a　thing；　and　Mrs。　McWilliams　wants　another　thing；
and　we　decide　upon　the　thing　that　Mrs。　McWilliams　wantsas　we　always　do
she　calls　that　a　compromise。　　Very　well：　the　man　came　up　from　New　York
and　put　in　the　alarm；　and　charged　three　hundred　and　twenty…five　dollars
for　it；　and　said　we　could　sleep　without　uneasiness　now。　　So　we　did　for
awhilesay　a　month。　　Then　one　night　we　smelled　smoke；　and　I　was　advised
to　get　up　and　see　what　the　matter　was。　　I　lit　a　candle；　and　started
toward　the　stairs；　and　met　a　burglar　coming　out　of　a　room　with　a　basket
of　tinware；　which　he　had　mistaken　for　solid　silver　in　the　dark。　　He　was
smoking　a　pipe。　　I　said；　'My　friend；　we　do　not　allow　smoking　in　this
room。'　　He　said　he　was　a　stranger；　and　could　not　be　expected　to　know　the
rules　of　the　house：　said　he　had　been　in　many　houses　just　as　good　as　this
one；　and　it　had　never　been　objected　to　before。　　He　added　that　as　far　as
his　experience　went；　such　rules　had　never　been　considered　to　apply　to
burglars；　anyway。

〃I　said：　'Smoke　along；　then；　if　it　is　the　custom；　though　I　think　that　the
conceding　of　a　privilege　to　a　burglar　which　is　denied　to　a　bishop　is　a
conspicuous　sign　of　the　looseness　of　the　times。　　But　waiving　all　that；
what　business　have　you　to　be　entering　this　house　in　this　furtive　and
clandestine　way；　without　ringing　the　burglar　alarm？'

〃He　looked　confused　and　ashamed；　and　said；　with　embarrassment：　'I　beg　a
thousand　pardons。　　I　did　not　know　you　had　a　burglar　alarm；　else　I　would
have　rung　it。　　I　beg　you　will　not　mention　it　where　my　parents　may　hear　of
it；　for　they　are　old　and　feeble；　and　such　a　seemingly　wanton　breach　of
the　hallowed　conventionalities　of　our　Christian　civilization　might　all
too　rudely　sunder　the　frail　bridge　which　hangs　darkling　between　the　pale
and　evanescent　present　and　the　solemn　great　deeps　of　the　eternities。　　May
I　trouble　you　for　a　match？'

〃I　said：　'Your　sentiments　do　you　honor；　but　if　you　will　allow　me　to　say
it；　metaphor　is　not　your　best　hold。　　Spare　your　thigh；　this　kind　light
only　on　the　box；　and　seldom　there；　in　fact；　if　my　experience　may　be
trusted。　　But　to　return　to　business：　how　did　you　get　in　here？'

〃'Through　a　second…story　window。'

〃It　was　even　so。　　I　redeemed　the　tinware　at　pawnbroker's　rates；　less　cost
of　advertising；　bade　the　burglar　good…night；　closed　the　window　after　him；
and　retired　to　headquarters　to　report。　　Next　morning　we　sent　for　the
burglar…alarm　man；　and　he　came　up　and　explained　that　the　reason　the　alarm
did　not　'go　off'　was　that　no　part　of　the　house　but　the　first　floor　was
attached　to　the　alarm。　　This　was　simply　idiotic；　one　might　as　well　have
no　armor　on　at　all　in　battle　as　to　have　it　only　on　his　legs。　　The　expert
now　put　the　whole　second　story　on　the　alarm；　charged　three　hundred
dollars　for　it；　and　went　his　way。　　By　and　by；　one　night；　I　found　a
burglar　in　the　third　story；　about　to　start　down　a　ladder　with　a　lot　of
miscellaneous　property。　　My　first　impulse　was　to　crack　his　head　with　a
billiard　cue；　but　my　second　was　to　refrain　from　this　attention；　because
he　was　between　me　and　the　cue　rack。　　The　second　impulse　was　plainly　the
soundest；　so　I　refrained；　and　proceeded　to　compromise。　　I　redeemed　the
property　at　former　rates；　after　deducting　ten　per　cent。　for　use　of
ladder；　it　being　my　ladder；　and；　next　day　we　sent　down　for　the　expert
once　more；　and　had　the　third　story　attached　to　the　alarm；　for　three
hundred　dollars。

〃By　this　time　the　'annunciator'　had　grown　to　formidable　dimensions。　　It
had　forty…seven　tags　on　it；　marked　with　the　names　of　the　various　rooms
and　chimneys；　and　it　occupied　the　space　of　an　ordinary　wardrobe。　　The
gong　was　the　size　of　a　wash…bowl；　and　was　placed　above　the　head　of　our
bed。　　There　was　a　wire　from　the　house　to　the　coachman's　quarters　in　the
stable；　and　a　noble　gong　alongside　his　pillow。

〃We　should　have　been　comfortable　now　but　for　one　defect。　　Every　morning
at　five　the　cook　opened　the　kitchen　door；　in　the　way　of　business；　and　rip
went　that　gong！　　The　first　time　this　happened　I　thought　the　last　day　was
come　sure。　　I　didn't　think　it　in　bedno；　but　out　of　itfor　the　first
effect　of　that　frightful　gong　is　to　hurl　you　across　the　house；　and　slam
you　against　the　wall；　and　then　curl　you　up；　and　squirm　you　like　a　spider
on　a　stove　lid；　till　somebody　shuts　the　kitchen　door。　　In　solid　fact；
there　is　no　clamor　that　is　even　remotely　comparable　to　the　dire　clamor
which　that　gong　makes。　　Well；　this　catastrophe　happened　every　morning
regularly　at　five　o'clock；　and　lost　us　three　hours　sleep；　for；　mind　you；
when　that　thing　wakes　you；　it　doesn't　merely　wake　you　in　spots；　it　wakes
you　all　over；　conscience　and　all；　and　you　are　good　for　eighteen　hours　of
wide…awakeness　subsequentlyeighteen　hours　of　the　very　most
inconceivable　wide…awakeness　that　you　ever　experienced　in　your　life。
A　stranger　died　on　our　hands　one　time；　aid　we　vacated　and　left　him　in　our
room　overnight。　　Did　that　stranger　wait　for　the　general　judgment？　　No；
sir；　he　got　up　at　five　the　next　morning　in　the　most　prompt　and
unostentatious　way。　　I　knew　he　would；　I　knew　it　mighty　well。　　He
collected　his　life…insurance；　and　lived　happy　ever　after；　for　there　was
plenty　of　proof　as　to　the　perfect　squareness　of　his　death。

〃Well；　we　were　gradually　fading　toward　a　better　land；　on　account　of　the
daily　loss　of　sleep；　so　we　finally　had　the　expert　up　again；　and　he　ran　a
wire　to　the　outside　of　the　door；　and　placed　a　switch　there；　whereby
Thomas；　the　butler；　always　made　one　little　mistakehe　switched　the　alarm
off　at　night　when　he　went　to　bed；　and　switched　it　on　again　at　daybreak　in
the　morning；　just　in　time　for　the　cook　to　open　the　kitchen　door；　and
enable　that　gong　to　slam　us　across　the　house；　sometimes　breaking　a　window
with　one　or　the　other　of　us。　　At　the　end　of　a　week　we　recognized　that
this　switch　business　was　a　delusion　and　a　snare。　　We　also　discovered　that
a　band　of　burglars　had　been　lodging　in　the　house　the　whole　timenot
exactly　to　steal；　for　there　wasn't　much　left　now；　but　to　hide　from　the
police；　for　they　were　hot　pressed；　and　they　shrewdly　judged　that　the
detectives　would　never　think　of　a　tribe　of　burglars　taking　sanctuary　in　a
house　notoriously　protected　by　the　most　imposing　and　elaborate　burglar
alarm　in　America。

〃Sent　down　for　the　expert　again；　and　this　time　he　struck　a　most　dazzling
ideahe　fixed　the　thing　so　that　opening　the　kitchen　door　would　take　off
the　alarm。　　It　was　a　noble　idea；　and　he　charged　accordingly。　　But　you
already　foresee　the　result。　　I　switched　on　the　alarm　every　night　at　bed…
time；　no　longer　trusting　on　Thomas's　frail　memory；　and　as　soon　as　the
lights　were　out　the　burglars　walked　in　at　the　kitchen　door；　thus　taking
the　alarm　off　without　waiting　for　the　cook　to　do　it　in　the　morning。　　You
see　how　aggravatingly　we　were　situated。　　For　months　we　couldn't　have　any
company。　　Not　a　spare　bed　in　the　house；　all　occupied　by　burglars。

〃Finally；　I　got　up　a　cure　of　my　own。　　The　expert　answered　the　call；　and
ran　another　ground　wire　to　the　stable；　and　established　a　switch　there；　so
that　the　coachman　could　put　on　and　take　off　the　alarm。　　That　worked　first
rate；　and　a　season　of　peace　ensued；　during　which　we　got　to　inviting
company　once　more　and　enjoying　life。

〃But　by　and　by　the　irrepressible　alarm　invented　a　new　kink。　　One　winter's
night　we　were　flung　out　of　bed　by　the　sudden　music　of　that　awful　gong；
and　when　we　hobbled　to　the　annunciator；　turned　up　the　gas；　and　saw　the
word　'Nursery'　exposed；　Mrs。　McWilliams　fainted　dead　away；　and　I　came
precious　near　doing　the　same　thing　myself。　　I　seized　my　shotgun；　and
stood　timing　the　coachman　whilst　that　appalling　buzzing　went　on。　　I　knew
that　his　gong　had　flung　him　out；　too；　and　that　he　would　be　along　with　his
gun　as　soon　as　he　could　jump　into　his　clothes。　　When　I　judged　that　the
time　was　ripe；　I　crept　to　the　room　next　the　nursery；　glanced　through　the
window；　and　saw　the　dim　outline　of　the　coachman　in　the　yard　below；