50 bab ballads-第15节
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That PETER was his name。
Remember how that holy man
Came with the great Colonial clan
To Synod； called Pan…Anglican；
And kindly recollect
How； having crossed the ocean wide；
To please his flock all means he tried
Consistent with a proper pride
And manly self…respect。
He only； of the reverend pack
Who minister to Christians black；
Brought any useful knowledge back
To his Colonial fold。
In consequence a place I claim
For 〃PETER〃 on the scroll of Fame
（For PETER was that Bishop's name；
As I've already told）。
He carried Art； he often said；
To places where that timid maid
（Save by Colonial Bishops' aid）
Could never hope to roam。
The Payne…cum…Lauri feat he taught
As he had learnt it； for he thought
The choicest fruits of Progress ought
To bless the Negro's home。
And he had other work to do；
For； while he tossed upon the Blue；
The islanders of Rum…ti…Foo
Forgot their kindly friend。
Their decent clothes they learnt to tear …
They learnt to say； 〃I do not care；〃
Though they； of course； were well aware
How folks； who say so； end。
Some sailors； whom he did not know；
Had landed there not long ago；
And taught them 〃Bother！〃 also； 〃Blow！〃
（Of wickedness the germs）。
No need to use a casuist's pen
To prove that they were merchantmen；
No sailor of the Royal N。
Would use such awful terms。
And so； when BISHOP PETER came
（That was the kindly Bishop's name）；
He heard these dreadful oaths with shame；
And chid their want of dress。
（Except a shell … a bangle rare …
A feather here … a feather there
The South Pacific Negroes wear
Their native nothingness。）
He taught them that a Bishop loathes
To listen to disgraceful oaths；
He gave them all his left…off clothes …
They bent them to his will。
The Bishop's gift spreads quickly round；
In PETER'S left…off clothes they bound
（His three…and…twenty suits they found
In fair condition still）。
The Bishop's eyes with water fill；
Quite overjoyed to find them still
Obedient to his sovereign will；
And said； 〃Good Rum…ti…Foo！
Half…way I'll meet you； I declare：
I'll dress myself in cowries rare；
And fasten feathers in my hair；
And dance the 'Cutch…chi…boo！'〃 （13）
And to conciliate his See
He married PICCADILLILLEE；
The youngest of his twenty…three；
Tall … neither fat nor thin。
（And though the dress he made her don
Looks awkwardly a girl upon；
It was a great improvement on
The one he found her in。）
The Bishop in his gay canoe
（His wife； of course； went with him too）
To some adjacent island flew；
To spend his honeymoon。
Some day in sunny Rum…ti…Foo
A little PETER'll be on view；
And that （if people tell me true）
Is like to happen soon。
Ballad： THE HAUGHTY ACTOR。
AN actor … GIBBS； of Drury Lane …
Of very decent station；
Once happened in a part to gain
Excessive approbation：
It sometimes turns a fellow's brain
And makes him singularly vain
When he believes that he receives
Tremendous approbation。
His great success half drove him mad；
But no one seemed to mind him；
Well； in another piece he had
Another part assigned him。
This part was smaller； by a bit；
Than that in which he made a hit。
So； much ill…used； he straight refused
To play the part assigned him。
* * * * * * * *
THAT NIGHT THAT ACTOR SLEPT； AND I'LL ATTEMPT
TO TELL YOU OF THE VIVID DREAM HE DREAMT。
THE DREAM。
In fighting with a robber band
（A thing he loved sincerely）
A sword struck GIBBS upon the hand；
And wounded it severely。
At first he didn't heed it much；
He thought it was a simple touch；
But soon he found the weapon's bound
Had wounded him severely。
To Surgeon COBB he made a trip；
Who'd just effected featly
An amputation at the hip
Particularly neatly。
A rising man was Surgeon COBB
But this extremely ticklish job
He had achieved （as he believed）
Particularly neatly。
The actor rang the surgeon's bell。
〃Observe my wounded finger；
Be good enough to strap it well；
And prithee do not linger。
That I； dear sir； may fill again
The Theatre Royal Drury Lane：
This very night I have to fight …
So prithee do not linger。〃
〃I don't strap fingers up for doles；〃
Replied the haughty surgeon；
〃To use your cant； I don't play ROLES
Utility that verge on。
First amputation … nothing less …
That is my line of business：
We surgeon nobs despise all jobs
Utility that verge on
〃When in your hip there lurks disease〃
（So dreamt this lively dreamer）；
〃Or devastating CARIES
In HUMERUS or FEMUR；
If you can pay a handsome fee；
Oh； then you may remember me …
With joy elate I'll amputate
Your HUMERUS or FEMUR。〃
The disconcerted actor ceased
The haughty leech to pester；
But when the wound in size increased；
And then began to fester；
He sought a learned Counsel's lair；
And told that Counsel； then and there；
How COBB'S neglect of his defect
Had made his finger fester。
〃Oh； bring my action； if you please；
The case I pray you urge on；
And win me thumping damages
From COBB； that haughty surgeon。
He culpably neglected me
Although I proffered him his fee；
So pray come down； in wig and gown；
On COBB； that haughty surgeon！〃
That Counsel learned in the laws；
With passion almost trembled。
He just had gained a mighty cause
Before the Peers assembled！
Said he； 〃How dare you have the face
To come with Common Jury case
To one who wings rhetoric flings
Before the Peers assembled？〃
Dispirited became our friend …
Depressed his moral pecker …
〃But stay！ a thought！ … I'll gain my end；
And save my poor exchequer。
I won't be placed upon the shelf；
I'll take it into Court myself；
And legal lore display before
The Court of the Exchequer。〃
He found a Baron … one of those
Who with our laws supply us …
In wig and silken gown and hose；
As if at NISI PRIUS。
But he'd just given； off the reel；
A famous judgment on Appeal：
It scarce became his heightened fame
To sit at NISI PRIUS。
Our friend began； with easy wit；
That half concealed his terror：
〃Pooh！〃 said the Judge； 〃I only sit
In BANCO or in Error。
Can you suppose； my man； that I'd
O'er NISI PRIUS Courts preside；
Or condescend my time to spend
On anything but Error？〃
〃Too bad；〃 said GIBBS； 〃my case to shirk！
You must be bad innately；
To save your skill for mighty work
Because it's valued greatly！〃
But here he woke； with sudden start。
* * * * * * * *
He wrote to say he'd play the part。
I've but to tell he played it well …
The author's words … his native wit
Combined； achieved a perfect 〃hit〃 …
The papers praised him greatly。
Ballad： THE TWO MAJORS。
AN excellent soldier who's worthy the name
Loves officers dashing and strict：
When good； he's content with escaping all blame；
When naughty； he likes to be licked。
He likes for a fault to be bullied and stormed；
Or imprisoned for several days；
And hates； for a duty correctly performed；
To be slavered with sickening praise。
No officer sickened with praises his CORPS
So little as MAJOR LA GUERRE …
No officer swore at his warriors more
Than MAJOR MAKREDI PREPERE。
Their soldiers adored them； and every grade
Delighted to hear their abuse；
Though whenever these officers came on parade
They shivered and shook in their shoes。
For； oh！ if LA GUERRE could all praises withhold；
Why； so could MAKREDI PREPERE；
And； oh！ if MAKREDI could bluster and scold；
Why； so could the mighty LA GUERRE。
〃No doubt we deserve it … no mercy we crave …
Go on … you're conferring a boon；
We would rather be slanged by a warrior brave；
Than praised by a wretched poltroon！〃
MAKREDI would say that in battle's fierce rage
True happiness only was met：
Poor MAJOR MAKREDI； though fifty his age；
Had never known happiness yet！
LA GUERRE would declare； 〃With the blood of a foe
No tipple is worthy to clink。〃
Poor fellow！ he hadn't； though sixty or so；
Yet tasted his favourite drink！
They agreed at their mess … they agreed in the glass …
They agreed in the choice of their 〃set；〃
And they also agreed in adoring； alas！
The Vivandiere； pretty FILLETTE。
Agreement； you see； may be carried too far；
And after agreeing all round
For years … in this soldierly 〃maid of the bar；〃
A bone of contention they found！
It may seem improper to call such a pet …
By a metaphor； even … a bone；
But though they agreed in adoring her； yet
Each wanted to make her his own。
〃On the day that you marry her；〃 muttered PREPERE
（With a pistol he quietly played）；
〃I'll scatter the brains in your noddle； I swear；
All over the stony parade！〃
〃I cannot do THAT to you；〃 answered LA GUERRE；
〃Whatever events may befall；
But this I CAN do … IF YOU wed her； MON CHER！
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