the yellow wallpaper-第3节

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〃Better　in　body　perhaps〃　I　began；　and　stopped　short；　for
he　sat　up　straight　and　looked　at　me　with　such　a　stern；
reproachful　look　that　I　could　not　say　another　word。

〃My　darling；〃　said　he；　〃I　beg　of　you；　for　my　sake　and　for
our　child's　sake；　as　well　as　for　your　own；　that　you　will　never
for　one　instant　let　that　idea　enter　your　mind！　　There　is　nothing
so　dangerous；　so　fascinating；　to　a　temperament　like　yours。　　It　is
a　false　and　foolish　fancy。　　Can　you　not　trust　me　as　a　physician
when　I　tell　you　so？〃

So　of　course　I　said　no　more　on　that　score；　and　we　went　to
sleep　before　long。　　He　thought　I　was　asleep　first；　but　I　wasn't；
and　lay　there　for　hours　trying　to　decide　whether　that　front
pattern　and　the　back　pattern　really　did　move　together　or
separately。


On　a　pattern　like　this；　by　daylight；　there　is　a　lack　of
sequence；　a　defiance　of　law；　that　is　a　constant　irritant　to　a
normal　mind。

The　color　is　hideous　enough；　and　unreliable　enough；　and
infuriating　enough；　but　the　pattern　is　torturing。

You　think　you　have　mastered　it；　but　just　as　you　get　well
underway　in　following；　it　turns　a　back…somersault　and　there　you
are。　　It　slaps　you　in　the　face；　knocks　you　down；　and　tramples
upon　you。　　It　is　like　a　bad　dream。

The　outside　pattern　is　a　florid　arabesque；　reminding　one　of
a　fungus。　　If　you　can　imagine　a　toadstool　in　joints；　an
interminable　string　of　toadstools；　budding　and　sprouting　in
endless　convolutionswhy；　that　is　something　like　it。

That　is；　sometimes！

There　is　one　marked　peculiarity　about　this　paper；　a　thing
nobody　seems　to　notice　but　myself；and　that　is　that　it　changes　as
the　light　changes。

When　the　sun　shoots　in　through　the　east　windowI　always
watch　for　that　first　long；　straight　rayit　changes　so　quickly
that　I　never　can　quite　believe　it。

That　is　why　I　watch　it　always。

By　moonlightthe　moon　shines　in　all　night　when　there　is　a
moonI　wouldn't　know　it　was　the　same　paper。

At　night　in　any　kind　of　light；　in　twilight；　candle　light；
lamplight；　and　worst　of　all　by　moonlight；　it　becomes　bars！　　The
outside　pattern　I　mean；　and　the　woman　behind　it　is　as　plain　as
can　be。

I　didn't　realize　for　a　long　time　what　the　thing　was　that
showed　behind；　that　dim　sub…pattern；　but　now　I　am　quite　sure　it
is　a　woman。

By　daylight　she　is　subdued；　quiet。　　I　fancy　it　is　the
pattern　that　keeps　her　so　still。　　It　is　so　puzzling。　　It　keeps　me
quiet　by　the　hour。

I　lie　down　ever　so　much　now。　　John　says　it　is　good　for　me；
and　to　sleep　all　I　can。

Indeed　he　started　the　habit　by　making　me　lie　down　for　an
hour　after　each　meal。

It　is　a　very　bad　habit　I　am　convinced；　for　you　see　I　don't
sleep。

And　that　cultivates　deceit；　for　I　don't　tell　them　I'm
awakeO　no！

The　fact　is　I　am　getting　a　little　afraid　of　John。

He　seems　very　queer　sometimes；　and　even　Jennie　has　an
inexplicable　look。

It　strikes　me　occasionally；　just　as　a　scientific
hypothesis；that　perhaps　it　is　the　paper！

I　have　watched　John　when　he　did　not　know　I　was　looking；　and
come　into　the　room　suddenly　on　the　most　innocent　excuses；　and
I've　caught　him　several　times　LOOKING　AT　THE　PAPER！　　And　Jennie
too。　　I　caught　Jennie　with　her　hand　on　it　once。

She　didn't　know　I　was　in　the　room；　and　when　I　asked　her　in　a
quiet；　a　very　quiet　voice；　with　the　most　restrained　manner
possible；　what　she　was　doing　with　the　papershe　turned　around　as
if　she　had　been　caught　stealing；　and　looked　quite　angryasked　me
why　I　should　frighten　her　so！

Then　she　said　that　the　paper　stained　everything　it　touched；
that　she　had　found　yellow　smooches　on　all　my　clothes　and　John's；
and　she　wished　we　would　be　more　careful！

Did　not　that　sound　innocent？　　But　I　know　she　was　studying
that　pattern；　and　I　am　determined　that　nobody　shall　find　it　out
but　myself！


Life　is　very　much　more　exciting　now　than　it　used　to　be。　　You
see　I　have　something　more　to　expect；　to　look　forward　to；　to
watch。　　I　really　do　eat　better；　and　am　more　quiet　than　I　was。

John　is　so　pleased　to　see　me　improve！　　He　laughed　a　little
the　other　day；　and　said　I　seemed　to　be　flourishing　in　spite　of　my
wall…paper。

I　turned　it　off　with　a　laugh。　　I　had　no　intention　of　telling
him　it　was　BECAUSE　of　the　wall…paperhe　would　make　fun　of　me。　
He　might　even　want　to　take　me　away。

I　don't　want　to　leave　now　until　I　have　found　it　out。　　There
is　a　week　more；　and　I　think　that　will　be　enough。


I'm　feeling　ever　so　much　better！　　I　don't　sleep　much　at
night；　for　it　is　so　interesting　to　watch　developments；　but　I
sleep　a　good　deal　in　the　daytime。

In　the　daytime　it　is　tiresome　and　perplexing。

There　are　always　new　shoots　on　the　fungus；　and　new　shades　of
yellow　all　over　it。　　I　cannot　keep　count　of　them；　though　I　have
tried　conscientiously。

It　is　the　strangest　yellow；　that　wall…paper！　　It　makes　me
think　of　all　the　yellow　things　I　ever　sawnot　beautiful　ones
like　buttercups；　but　old　foul；　bad　yellow　things。

But　there　is　something　else　about　that　paperthe　smell！　　I
noticed　it　the　moment　we　came　into　the　room；　but　with　so　much　air
and　sun　it　was　not　bad。　　Now　we　have　had　a　week　of　fog　and　rain；
and　whether　the　windows　are　open　or　not；　the　smell　is　here。

It　creeps　alll　over　the　house。

I　find　it　hovering　in　the　dining…room；　skulking　in　the
parlor；　hiding　in　the　hall；　lying　in　wait　for　me　on　the　stairs。

It　gets　into　my　hair。

Even　when　I　go　to　ride；　if　I　turn　my　head　suddenly　and
surprise　itthere　is　that　smell！

Such　a　peculiar　odor；　too！　　I　have　spent　hours　in　trying　to
analyze　it；　to　find　what　it　smelled　like。

It　is　not　badat　first；　and　very　gentle；　but　quite　the
subtlest；　most　enduring　odor　I　ever　met。

In　this　damp　weather　it　is　awful；　I　wake　up　in　the　night　and
find　it　hanging　over　me。

It　used　to　disturb　me　at　first。　　I　thought　seriously　of
burning　the　houseto　reach　the　smell。

But　now　I　am　used　to　it。　　The　only　thing　I　can　think　of　that
it　is　like　is　the　COLOR　of　the　paper！　　A　yellow　smell。

There　is　a　very　funny　mark　on　this　wall；　low　down；　near　the
mopboard。　　A　streak　that　runs　round　the　room。　　It　goes　behind
every　piece　of　furniture；　except　the　bed；　a　long；　straight；　even
SMOOCH；　as　if　it　had　been　rubbed　over　and　over。

I　wonder　how　it　was　done　and　who　did　it；　and　what　they　did
it　for。　　Round　and　round　and　roundround　and　round　and　roundit
makes　me　dizzy！


I　really　have　discovered　something　at　last。

Through　watching　so　much　at　night；　when　it　changes　so；　I
have　finally　found　out。

The　front　pattern　DOES　moveand　no　wonder！　　The　woman
behind　shakes　it！

Sometimes　I　think　there　are　a　great　many　women　behind；　and
sometimes　only　one；　and　she　crawls　around　fast；　and　her　crawling
shakes　it　all　over。

Then　in　the　very　bright　spots　she　keeps　still；　and　in　the
very　shady　spots　she　just　takes　hold　of　the　bars　and　shakes　them
hard。

And　she　is　all　the　time　trying　to　climb　through。　　But　nobody
could　climb　through　that　patternit　strangles　so；　I　think　that
is　why　it　has　so　many　heads。

They　get　through；　and　then　the　pattern　strangles　them　off
and　turns　them　upside　down；　and　makes　their　eyes　white！

If　those　heads　were　covered　or　taken　off　it　would　not　be
half　so　bad。


I　think　that　woman　gets　out　in　the　daytime！

And　I'll　tell　you　whyprivatelyI've　seen　her！

I　can　see　her　out　of　every　one　of　my　windows！

It　is　the　same　woman；　I　know；　for　she　is　always　creeping；
and　most　women　do　not　creep　by　daylight。

I　see　her　on　that　long　road　under　the　trees；　creeping　along；
and　when　a　carriage　comes　she　hides　under　the　blackberry　vines。

I　don't　blame　her　a　bit。　　It　must　be　very　humiliating　to　be
caught　creeping　by　daylight！

I　always　lock　the　door　when　I　creep　by　daylight。　　I　can't　do
it　at　night；　for　I　know　John　would　suspect　something　at　once。

And　John　is　so　queer　now；　that　I　don't　want　to　irritate　him。
I　wish　he　would　take　another　room！　　Besides；　I　don't　want　anybody
to　get　that　woman　out　at　night　but　myself。

I　often　wonder　if　I　could　see　her　out　of　all　the　windows　at
once。

But；　turn　as　fast　as　I　can；　I　can　only　see　out　of　one　at　a
time。

And　though　I　always　see　her；　she　MAY　be　able　to　creep
faster　than　I　can　turn！

I　have　watched　her　sometimes　away　off　in　the　open　country；
creeping　as　fast　as　a　cloud　shadow　in　a　high　wind。

If　only　that　top　pattern　could　be　gotten　off　from　the　under
one！　　I　mean　to　try　it；　little　by　little。

I　have　found　out　another　funny　thing；　but　I　shan't　tell　it
this　time！　　It　does　not　do　to　trust　people　too　much。

There　are　only　two　more　days　to　get　this　paper　off；　and　I
believe　John　is　beginning　to　notice。　　I　　don't　like　the　look　in
his　eyes。

And　I　heard　him　ask　Jennie　a　lot　of　professional　questions
about　me。　　She　had　a　very　good　report　to　give。

She　said　I　slept　a　good　deal　in　the　daytime。

John　knows　I　don't　sleep　very　well　at　night；　for　all　I'm　so
quiet！

He　asked　me　all　sorts　of　questions；　too；　and　pretended　to　be
very　loving　and　kind。

As　if　I　couldn't　see　through　him！

Still；　I　don't　wonder　he　acts　so；　sleeping　under　this　paper
for　three　months。

It　only　interests　me；　but　I　feel　sure　John　and　Jennie　are
secretly　affected　by　it。


Hurrah！　　This　is　the　last　day；　but　it　is　enough。　　John　is　to
stay　in　town　over　night；　and　won't　be　out　until　this　evening。