new burlesques(新讽刺诗)-第4节
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regard to Rupert of Glasgow。 But this was difficult； as his saturated
clothing made him fit the smooth pipe closely。 At last I had him partly
up； when I was amazed at a rush of water from the pipe which flooded the
room。 I dropped him and pulled him up again with the same result。
Then in a flash I saw it all。 His body； acting like a piston in the pipe； had
converted it into a powerful pump。 Mad with joy； I rapidly lowered and
pulled him up again and again； until the castle was floodedand the moat
completely drained！ I had created the diversion I wished； the tenants of
the castle were disorganized and bewildered in trying to escape from the
deluge； and the moat was accessible to my friends。 Placing the poor
King on a table to be out of the water； and tying up his head in my
handkerchief to disguise him from Michael's guards； I drew my sword and
plunged downstairs with the cataract in search of the miscreant Rupert。 I
reached the drawbridge； when I heard the sounds of tumult and was twice
fired at；once； as I have since learned； by my friends； under the
impression that I was the escaping Rupert of Glasgow； and once by Black
Michael's myrmidons； under the belief that I was the King。 I was struck
by the fact that these resemblances were confusing and unfortunate！ At
this moment； however； I caught sight of a kilted figure leaping from a
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lower window into the moat。 Some instinct impelled me to follow it。 It
rapidly crossed the moat and plunged into the forest； with me in pursuit。
I gained upon it； suddenly it turned； and I found myself again confronted
with MYSELFand apparently the King！ But that very resemblance
made me recognize the Scotch pretender； Rupert of Glasgow。 Yet he
would have been called a 〃braw laddie；〃 and his handsome face showed a
laughing good humor； even while he opposed me； claymore in hand。
〃Bide a wee； Maister Rupert Razorbill；〃 he said lightly； lowering his
sword； 〃before we slit ane anither's weasands。 I'm no claimin' any
descent frae kings； and I'm no acceptin' any auld wife's clavers against my
women forbears； as ye are！ I'm just paid gude honest siller by Black
Michael for the using of ma face and figure sic time as his Majesty is tae
worse frae trink！ And I'm commeesioned frae Michael to ask ye what
price YE would take to join me in performing these dutiesturn and turn
aboot。 Eh； laddiebut he would pay ye mair than that daft beggar；
Spitz。〃
Rage and disgust overpowered me。 〃And THIS is my answer；〃 I said；
rushing upon him。
I have said earlier in these pages that I was a 〃strong〃 swordsman。 In
point of fact； I had carefully studied in the transpontine theatres that form
of melodramatic mediaeval sword…play known as 〃two up and two down。〃
To my disgust； however； this wretched Scotchman did not seem to
understand it； but in a twinkling sent my sword flying over my head。
Before I could recover it； he had mounted a horse ready saddled in the
wood； and； shouting to me that he would take my 〃compleements〃 to the
Princess； galloped away。 Even then I would have pursued him afoot； but；
hearing shouts behind me； I turned as Spitz and Fritz rode up。
〃Has the King escaped to Kohlslau？〃 asked Fritz； staring at me。
〃No；〃 I said； 〃but Rupert of Glasgow〃
〃Rupert of Glasgow；〃 growled Spitz。 〃We've settled him！ He's
gagged and bound and is now on his way to the frontier in a close
carriage。〃
〃Ruperton his way to the frontier？〃 I gasped。
〃Yes。 Two of my men found him； disguised with a handkerchief over
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his face； trying to escape from the castle。 And while we were looking for
the King； whom we supposed was with you； they have sent the rascally
Scotchman home。〃
〃Fool！〃 I gasped。 〃Rupert of Glasgow has just left me！ YOU
HAVE DEPORTED YOUR OWN KING。〃 And overcome by my
superhuman exertions； I sank unconscious to the ground。
When I came to； I found myself in a wagon lit； speeding beyond the
Trulyruralania frontier。 On my berth was lying a missive with the seal of
the S'helpburgs。 Tearing it open I recognized the handwriting of the
Princess Flirtia。
MY DEAR RUPERT；Owing to the confusion that arises from there
being so many of you； I have concluded to accept the hand of the Duke
Michael。 I may not become a Queen； but I shall bring rest to my country；
and Michael assures me in his playful manner that 〃three of a kind；〃 〃even
of the same color；〃 do not always win at poker。 It will tranquilize you
somewhat to know that the Lord Chancellor assures me that on examining
the records of the dynasty he finds that my ancestor Rupert never left his
kingdom during his entire reign； and that consequently your ancestress has
been grossly maligned。 I am sending typewritten copies of this to Rupert
of Glasgow and the King。 Farewell。
FLIRTIA。
Once a year； at Christmastide； I receive a simple foreign hamper via
Charing Cross； marked 〃Return empty。〃 I take it in silence to my own
room； and there； opening it； I findunseen by any other eyes but my own
a modest pate de foie gras； of the kind I ate with the Princess Flirtia。 I
take out the pate； replace the label； and have the hamper reconveyed to
Charing Cross。
THE STOLEN CIGAR CASE
By A。 CON DLE
I found Hemlock Jones in the old Brook Street lodgings； musing
before the fire。 With the freedom of an old friend I at once threw myself
in my usual familiar attitude at his feet； and gently caressed his boot。 I
was induced to do this for two reasons： one； that it enabled me to get a
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good look at his bent； concentrated face； and the other； that it seemed to
indicate my reverence for his superhuman insight。 So absorbed was he
even then； in tracking some mysterious clue； that he did not seem to notice
me。 But therein I was wrongas I always was in my attempt to
understand that powerful intellect。
〃It is raining；〃 he said； without lifting his head。
〃You have been out； then？〃 I said quickly。
〃No。 But I see that your umbrella is wet； and that your overcoat has
drops of water on it。〃
I sat aghast at his penetration。 After a pause he said carelessly； as if
dismissing the subject： 〃Besides； I hear the rain on the window。 Listen。〃
I listened。 I could scarcely credit my ears； but there was the soft
pattering of drops on the panes。 It was evident there was no deceiving
this man！
〃Have you been busy lately？〃 I asked； changing the subject。 〃What
new problemgiven up by Scotland Yard as inscrutablehas occupied that
gigantic intellect？〃
He drew back his foot slightly； and seemed to hesitate ere he returned
it to its original position。 Then he answered wearily： 〃Mere trifles
nothing to speak of。 The Prince Kupoli has been here to get my advice
regarding the disappearance of certain rubies from the Kremlin； the Rajah
of Pootibad； after vainly beheading his entire bodyguard； has been obliged
to seek my assistance to recover a jeweled sword。 The Grand Duchess of
Pretzel…Brauntswig is desirous of discovering where her husband was on
the night of February 14； and last night〃he lowered his voice slightly〃a
lodger in this very house； meeting me on the stairs； wanted to know why
they didn't answer his bell。〃
I could not help smilinguntil I saw a frown gathering on his
inscrutable forehead。
〃Pray remember；〃 he said coldly； 〃that it was through such an
apparently trivial question that I found out Why Paul Ferroll Killed His
Wife； and What
