new burlesques(新讽刺诗)-第14节
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pay me for tellin' it？ But； speakin' o' this young feller； I calkilated to
send him to the Turkey Buzzard Hotel；〃 and he looked at his sister with a
shrewd yet humorous smile。
〃What！〃 said his sister in alarm。 〃The Turkey Buzzard！ Why； he'll
be starved or pizoned！ He won't stay there a week。〃
〃Ef he's pizoned to death he won't be able to demand any wages； ef he
leaves because he can't stand itit's proof positive he couldn't stand me。
Ef he's only starved and made weak and miserable he'll be easy to make
terms with。 It may seem hard what I'm sayin'； but what seems hard on
the other feller always comes mighty easy to you。 The thing is NOT to
be the 'other feller。' Ye ain't listenin'。 Yet these remarks is shrewd and
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humorous； and hez bin thought so by literary fellers。〃
〃H'm！〃 said his sister。 〃What's that ye was jest sayin' about folks
bein' willin' to pay ye for tellin' that hoss trade yarn o' yours？〃
〃Thet's only what one o' them smart New York publishers allowed it
was worth arter hearin' me tell it；〃 said Dan'l dryly。
〃Go way！ You or him must be crazy。 Why； it ain't ez good as that
story 'bout a man who had a balky hoss that could be made to go only by
buildin' a fire under him； and arter the man sells that hoss and the secret；
and the man wot bought him tries it on； the blamed hoss lies down over
the fire； and puts it out。〃
〃I've allus allowed that the story ye hev to tell yourself is a blamed
sight funnier than the one ye're listenin' to；〃 said Dan'l。 〃Put that down
among my sayin's； will ye？〃
〃But your story was never anythin' more than one o' them snippy
things ye see in the papers； drored out to no end by you。 It's only one o'
them funny paragraphs ye kin read in a minit in the papers that takes YOU
an hour to tell。〃
To her surprise Dan'l only looked at his sister with complacency。
〃That；〃 he said； 〃is jest what the New York publisher sez。 'The
'Merrikan people；' sez he； 'is ashamed o' bein' short and peart and funny； it
lacks dignity；' sez he； 'it looks funny；' sez he； 'but it ain't deep…seated
nash'nul literature；' sez he。 'Them snips o' funny stories and short
dialogues in the comic papersthey make ye laff；' sez he； 'but laffin' isn't
no sign o' deep morril purpose；' sez he； 'and it ain't genteel and refined。
Abraham Linkin with his pat anecdotes ruined our standin' with dignified
nashuns；' sez he。 'We cultivated publishers is sick o' hearin' furrin' nashuns
roarin' over funny 'Merrikan stories； we're goin' to show 'em that； even ef
we haven't classes and titles and sich； we kin be dull。 We're workin' the
historical racket for all that it's worth；ef we can't go back mor'n a
hundred years or so； we kin rake in a Lord and a Lady when we do； and
we're gettin' in some ole…fashioned spellin' and 〃methinkses〃 and
〃peradventures。〃 We're doin' the religious bizness ez slick ez Robert
Elsmere； and we find lots o' soul in folksand heaps o quaint morril
characters；' sez he。〃
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〃Sakes alive； Dan'l！〃 broke in his sister； 〃what's all that got to do with
your yarn 'bout the hoss trade？〃
〃Everythin'；〃 returned Dan'l。 〃'For；' sez he； 'Mr。 Borem；' sez he；
'you're a quaint morril character。 You've got protracted humor；' sez he。
'You've bin an hour tellin' that yarn o' yours！ Ef ye could spin it out to
fill two chapters of a bookyer fortune's made！ For you'll show that a
successful hoss trade involves the highest nash'nul characteristics。 That
what common folk calls 〃selfishness；〃 〃revenge；〃 〃mean lyin'；〃 and 〃low…
down money… grubbin' ambishun〃 is really 〃quaintness；〃 and will go in
double harness with the bizness of a Christian banker；' sez he。〃
〃Created goodness； Dan'l！ You're designin' ter〃
Dan'l Borem rose； coughed； expectorated carefully at the usual spot in
the fender； his general custom of indicating the conclusion of a subject or
an interview； and said dryly： 〃I'm thar！〃
II
To return to the writer of the letter； whose career was momentarily
cut off by the episode of the horse trade （who； if he had previously
received a letter written by somebody else would have been an entirely
different person and not in this novel at all）： John Lummoxknown to his
family as 〃the perfect Lummox〃had been two years in college； but
thought it rather fine of himselfa habit of thought in which he frequently
indulgedto become a clerk； but finally got tired of it； and to his father's
relief went to Europe for a couple of years； returning with some
knowledge of French and German； and the cutting end of a German
student's blunted dueling sword。 Having； as he felt； thus equipped
himself for the hero of an American 〃Good Society〃 novel； he went on
board a 〃liner；〃 where there would naturally be susceptible young ladies。
One he thought he recognized as a girl with whom he used to play
〃forfeits〃 in the vulgar past of his boyhood。 She sat at his table；
accompanied by another lady whose husband seemed to be a confirmed
dyspeptic。 His remarks struck Lummox as peculiar。
〃Shall I begin dinner with pudding and cheese or take the ordinary
soup first？ I quite forget which I did last night；〃 he said anxiously to his
wife。
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But Mrs。 Starling hesitated。
〃Tell me； Mary；〃 he said； appealing to Miss Bike； the young lady。
〃I should begin with the pudding；〃 said Miss Bike decisively； 〃and
between that and the arrival of the cheese you can make up your mind； and
then； if you think better； go back to the soup。〃
〃Thank you so much。 Now； as to drink？ Shall I take the
Friedrichshalle first or the Benedictine？ You know the doctor insists
upon the Friedrichshalle； but I don't think I did well to mix them as I did
yesterday。 Or shall I take simply milk and beer？〃
〃I should say simplicity was best。 Besides； you can always fill up
with champagne later。〃
How splendidly this clear…headed； clear…eyed girl dominated the man！
Lummox felt that REALLY he might renew her acquaintance！ He did so。
〃I remembered you；〃 she said。 〃You've not changed a bit since you
were eight years old。〃
John； wishing to change the subject； said that he thought Mr。 Starling
seemed an uncertain man。
〃Very！ He's even now in his stateroom sitting in his pyjamas with a
rubber shoe on one foot and a pump on the other； wondering whether he
ought to put on golf knickerbockers with a dressing…gown and straw hat
before he comes on deck。 He has already put on and taken off about
twenty suits。〃
〃He certainly is very trying；〃 returned Lummox。 He paused and
colored deeply。 〃I beg；〃 he stammered； 〃I hopeyou don't think me
guilty of a pun！ When I said 'trying' I referred entirely to the effect on
your sensitiveness of these tentative attempts toward clothing himself。〃
〃I should never accuse YOU of levity； Mr。 Lummox；〃 said the young
lady； gazing thoughtfully upon his calm but somewhat heavy features；
〃never。〃
Yet he would have liked to reclaim himself by a show of lightness。 He
was leaning on the rail looking at the sea。 The scene was beautiful。
〃I suppose；〃 he said； rolling with the sea and his early studies of
Doctor Johnson； 〃that one would in the more superior manner show his
appreciation of all this by refraining from the obvious comment which
