letters of two brides-第48节
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blooming； in my morning dress； sauntering about with a make…believe
nonchalance。 I felt confident that old Philippe； who had been taken
into my confidence； would not have betrayed my absence。
〃Gaston；〃 I said； as we walked by the side of the lake； 〃you cannot
blind me to the difference between a work of art inspired by
friendship and something which has been cast in a mould。〃
He turned white； and fixed his eyes on me rather than on the damaging
piece of evidence I thrust before them。
〃My dear；〃 I went on； 〃this is not a whip； it is a screen behind which
you are hiding something from me。〃
Thereupon I gave myself the gratification of watching his hopeless
entanglement in the coverts and labyrinths of deceit and the desperate
efforts he made to find some wall he might scale and thus escape。 In
vain； he had perforce to remain upon the field； face to face with an
adversary； who at last laid down her arms in a feigned complacence。
But it was too late。 The fatal mistake； against which my mother had
tried to warm me； was made。 My jealousy； exposed in all its nakedness；
had led to war and all its stratagems between Gaston and myself。
Jealousy； dear； has neither sense nor decency。
I made up my mind now to suffer in silence； but to keep my eyes open；
until my doubts were resolved one way or another。 Then I would either
break with Gaston or bow to my misfortune： no middle course is
possible for a woman who respects herself。
What can he be concealing？ For a secret there is； and the secret has
to do with a woman。 Is it some youthful escapade for which he still
blushes？ But if so； what？ The word /what/ is written in letters of
fire on all I see。 I read it in the glassy water of my lake； in the
shrubbery； in the clouds； on the ceilings； at table； in the flowers of
the carpets。 A voice cries to me /what？/ in my sleep。 Dating from the
morning of my discovery； a cruel interest has sprung into our lives；
and I have become familiar with the bitterest thought that can corrode
the heartthe thought of treachery in him one loves。 Oh！ my dear；
there is heaven and hell together in such a life。 Never had I felt
this scorching flame； I to whom love had appeared only in the form of
devoutest worship。
〃So you wished to know the gloomy torture…chamber of pain！〃 I said to
myself。 Good； the spirits of evil have heard your prayer； go on your
road； unhappy wretch！
May 30th。
Since that fatal day Gaston no longer works with the careless ease of
the wealthy artist； whose work is merely pastime； he sets himself
tasks like a professional writer。 Four hours a day he devotes to
finishing his two plays。
〃He wants money！〃
A voice within whispered the thought。 But why？ He spends next to
nothing； we have absolutely no secrets from each other； there is not a
corner of his study which my eyes and my fingers may not explore。 His
yearly expenditure does not amount to two thousand francs； and I know
that he has thirty thousand； I can hardly say laid by； but scattered
loose in a drawer。 You can guess what is coming。 At midnight； while he
was sleeping； I went to see if the money was still there。 An icy
shiver ran through me。 The drawer was empty。
That same week I discovered that he went to Sevres to fetch his
letters； and these letters he must tear up immediately； for though I
am a very Figaro in contrivances； I have never yet seen a trace of
one。 Alas！ my sweet； despite the fine promises and vows by which I
bound myself after the scene of the whip； an impulse； which I can only
call madness； drove me to follow him in one of his rapid rides to the
post…office。 Gaston was appalled to be thus discovered on horseback；
paying the postage of a letter which he held in his hand。 He looked
fixedly at me； and then put spurs to Fedelta。 The pace was so hard
that I felt shaken to bits when I reached the lodge gate； though my
mental agony was such at the time that it might well have dulled all
consciousness of bodily pain。 Arrived at the gate； Gaston said
nothing； he rang the bell and waited without a word。 I was more dead
than alive。 I might be mistaken or I might not； but in neither case
was it fitting for Armande…Louise…Marie de Chaulieu to play the spy。 I
had sunk to the level of the gutter； by the side of courtesans； opera…
dancers； mere creatures of instinct； even the vulgar shop…girl or
humble seamstress might look down on me。
What a moment！ At last the door opened； he handed his horse to the
groom； and I also dismounted； but into his arms； which were stretched
out to receive me。 I threw my skirt over my left arm； gave him my
right； and we walked onstill in silence。 The few steps we thus took
might be reckoned to me for a hundred years of purgatory。 A swarm of
thoughts beset me as I walked； now seeming to take visible form in
tongues of fire before my eyes； now assailing my mind； each with its
own poisoned dart。 When the groom and the horses were far away； I
stopped Gaston； and； looking him in the face； said； as I pointed； with
a gesture that you should have seen； to the fatal letter still in his
right hand：
〃May I read it？〃
He gave it to me。 I opened it and found a letter from Nathan； the
dramatic author； informing Gaston that a play of his had been
accepted； learned； rehearsed； and would be produced the following
Saturday。 He also enclosed a box ticket。
Though for me this was the opening of heaven's gates to the martyr；
yet the fiend would not leave me in peace； but kept crying； 〃Where are
the thirty thousand francs？〃 It was a question which self…respect；
dignity； all my old self in fact； prevented me from uttering。 If my
thought became speech； I might as well throw myself into the lake at
once； and yet I could hardly keep the words down。 Dear friend； was not
this a trial passing the strength of woman？
I returned the letter； saying：
〃My poor Gaston； you are getting bored down here。 Let us go back to
Paris； won't you？〃
〃To Paris？〃 he said。 〃But why？ I only wanted to find out if I had any
gift； to taste the flowing bowl of success！〃
Nothing would be easier than for me to ransack the drawer sometime
while he is working and pretend great surprise at finding the money
gone。 But that would be going half…way to meet the answer； 〃Oh！ my
friend So…and…So was hard up！〃 etc。； which a man of Gaston's quick wit
would not have far to seek。
The moral； my dear； is that the brilliant success of this play； which
all Paris is crowding to see； is due to us； though the whole credit
goes to Nathan。 I am represented by one of the two stars in the
legend： Et M * *。 I saw the first night from the depths of one of the
stage boxes。
July 1st。
Gaston's work and his visits to Paris shall continue。 He is preparing
new plays； partly because he wants a pretext for going to Paris；
partly in order to make money。 Three plays have been accepted； and two
more are commissioned。
Oh！ my dear； I am lost； all is darkness around me。 I would set fire to
the house in a moment if that would bring light。 What does it all
mean？ Is he ashamed of taking money from me？ He is too high…minded for
so trumpery a matter to weigh with him。 Besides； scruples of the kind
could only be the outcome of some love affair。 A man would take
anything from his wife； but from the woman he has ceased to care for；
or is thinking of deserting； it is different。 If he needs such large
sums； it must be to spend them on a woman。 For himself； why should he
hesitate to draw from my purse？ Our savings amount to one hundred
thousand francs！
In short； my sweetheart； I have explored a whole continent of
possibilities； and after carefully weighing all the evidence； am
convinced I have a rival。 I am desertedfor whom？ At all costs I must
see the unknown。
July 10th。
Light has come； and it is all over with me。 Yes； Renee； at the age of
thirty； in the perfection of my beauty； with all the resources of a
ready wit and the seductive charms of dress at my command； I am
betrayedand for whom？ A large…boned Englishwoman； with big feet and
thick waista regular British cow！ There is no longer room for doubt。
I will tell you the history of the last few days。
Worn out with suspicions； which were fed by Gaston's guilty silence
（for； if he had helped a friend； why keep it a secret from me？）； his
insatiable desire for money； and his frequent journeys to Paris；
jealous too of the work from which he seemed unable to tear himself； I
at last made up my mind to take certain steps； of such a degrading
nature that I cannot tell you about them。 Suffice it to say that three
days ago I ascertained that Gaston； when in Paris； visits a house in
the Rue de la Ville l'Eveque； where he guards his mistress with
jealous mystery； unexampled in Paris。 The porter was surly； and I
could get little out of him； but that little was enough to put an end
to any lingering hope； and with hope to life。 On this point my mind
was resolved； and I only waited to learn the whole truth first。
With this object I went to Paris and took rooms in a house exactly
opposite the one which Gaston visits。 Thence I saw him with my own
eyes enter the courtyard on horseback。 Too soon a ghastly fact forced
itself on me。 This Englishwoman； w
