letters of two brides-第47节

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When　I　had　read　your　letter　to　a　close；　I　prayed　God　to　send　you　among
us　for　a　day；　that　you　might　see　what　family　life　really　is；　and　learn
the　nature　of　those　joys；　which　are　lasting　and　sweeter　than　tongue
can　tell；　because　they　are　genuine；　simple；　and　natural。　But；　alas！
what　chance　have　I　with　the　best　of　arguments　against　a　fallacy　which
makes　you　happy？　As　I　write　these　words；　my　eyes　fill　with　tears。　I
had　felt　so　sure　that　some　months　of　honeymoon　would　prove　a　surfeit
and　restore　you　to　reason。　But　I　see　that　there　is　no　limit　to　your
appetite；　and　that；　having　killed　a　man　who　loved　you；　you　will　not
cease　till　you　have　killed　love　itself。　Farewell；　dear　misguided
friend。　I　am　in　despair　that　the　letter　which　I　hoped　might　reconcile
you　to　society　by　its　picture　of　my　happiness　should　have　brought
forth　only　a　paean　of　selfishness。　Yes；　your　love　is　selfish；　you　love
Gaston　far　less　for　himself　than　for　what　he　is　to　you。



LIV

MME。　GASTON　TO　THE　COMTESSE　DE　L'ESTORADE
May　20th。

Renee；　calamity　has　comeno；　that　is　no　word　for　itit　has　burst
like　a　thunderbolt　over　your　poor　Louise。　You　know　what　that　means；
calamity　for　me　is　doubt；　certainty　would　be　death。

The　day　before　yesterday；　when　I　had　finished　my　first　toilet；　I
looked　everywhere　for　Gaston　to　take　a　little　turn　with　me　before
lunch；　but　in　vain。　I　went　to　the　stable；　and　there　I　saw　his　mare　all
in　a　lather；　while　the　groom　was　removing　the　foam　with　a　knife　before
rubbing　her　down。

〃Who　in　the　world　has　put　Fedelta　in　such　a　state？〃　I　asked。

〃Master；〃　replied　the　lad。

I　saw　the　mud　of　Paris　on　the　mare's　legs；　for　country　mud　is　quite
different；　and　at　once　it　flashed　through　me；　〃He　has　been　to　Paris。〃

This　thought　raised　a　swarm　of　others　in　my　heart；　and　it　seemed　as
though　all　the　life　in　my　body　rushed　there。　To　go　to　Paris　without
telling　me；　at　the　hour　when　I　leave　him　alone；　to　hasten　there　and
back　at　such　speed　as　to　distress　Fedelta。　Suspicion　clutched　me　in
its　iron　grip；　till　I　could　hardly　breathe。　I　walked　aside　a　few　steps
to　a　seat；　where　I　tried　to　recover　my　self…command。

Here　Gaston　found　me；　apparently　pale　and　fluttered；　for　he
immediately　exclaimed；　〃What　is　wrong？〃　in　a　tone　of　such　alarm；　that
I　rose　and　took　his　arm。　But　my　muscles　refused　to　move；　and　I　was
forced　to　sit　down　again。　Then　he　took　me　in　his　arms　and　carried　me
to　the　parlor　close　by；　where　the　frightened　servants　pressed　after
us；　till　Gaston　motioned　them　away。　Once　left　to　ourselves；　I　refused
to　speak；　but　was　able　to　reach　my　room；　where　I　shut　myself　in；　to
weep　my　fill。　Gaston　remained　something　like　two　hours　at　my　door；
listening　to　my　sobs　and　questioning　with　angelic　patience　his　poor
darling；　who　made　no　response。

At　last　I　told　him　that　I　would　see　him　when　my　eyes　were　less　red　and
my　voice　was　steady　again。

My　formal　words　drove　him　from　the　house。　But　by　the　time　I　had　bathed
my　eyes　in　iced　water　and　cooled　my　face；　I　found　him　in　our　room；　the
door　into　which　was　open；　though　I　had　heard　no　steps。　He　begged　me　to
tell　him　what　was　wrong。

〃Nothing；〃　I　said；　〃I　saw　the　mud　of　Paris　on　Fedelta's　trembling
legs；　it　seemed　strange　that　you　should　go　there　without　telling　me；
but；　of　course；　you　are　free。〃

〃I　shall　punish　you　for　such　wicked　thoughts　by　not　giving　any
explanation　till　to…morrow；〃　he　replied。

〃Look　at　me；〃　I　said。

My　eyes　met　his；　deep　answered　to　deep。　No；　not　a　trace　of　the　cloud
of　disloyalty　which；　rising　from　the　soul；　must　dim　the　clearness　of
the　eye。　I　feigned　satisfaction；　though　really　unconvinced。　It　is　not
women　only　who　can　lie　and　dissemble！

The　whole　of　the　day　we　spent　together。　Ever　and　again；　as　I　looked　at
him；　I　realized　how　fast　my　heart…strings　were　bound　to　him。　How　I
trembled　and　fluttered　within　when；　after　a　moment's　absence；　he
reappeared。　I　live　in　him；　not　in　myself。　My　cruel　sufferings　gave　the
lie　to　your　unkind　letter。　Did　I　ever　feel　my　life　thus　bound　up　in
the　noble　Spaniard；　who　adored　me；　as　I　adore　this　heartless　boy？　I
hate　that　mare！　Fool　that　I　was　to　keep　horses！　But　the　next　thing
would　have　been　to　lame　Gaston　or　imprison　him　in　the　cottage。　Wild
thoughts　like　these　filled　my　brain；　you　see　how　near　I　was　to
madness！　If　love　be　not　the　cage；　what　power　on　earth　can　hold　back
the　man　who　wants　to　be　free？

I　asked　him　point…blank；　〃Do　I　bore　you？〃

〃What　needless　torture　you　give　yourself！〃　was　his　reply；　while　he
looked　at　me　with　tender；　pitying　eyes。　〃Never　have　I　loved　you　so
deeply。〃

〃If　that　is　true；　my　beloved；　let　me　sell　Fedelta；〃　I　answered。

〃Sell　her；　by　all　means！〃

The　reply　crushed　me。　Was　it　not　a　covert　taunt　at　my　wealth　and　his
own　nothingness　in　the　house？　This　may　never　have　occurred　to　him；　but
I　thought　it　had；　and　once　more　I　left　him。　It　was　night；　and　I　would
go　to　bed。

Oh！　Renee；　to　be　alone　with　a　harrowing　thought　drives　one　to　thoughts
of　death。　These　charming　gardens；　the　starry　night；　the　cool　air；
laden　with　incense　from　our　wealth　of　flowers；　our　valley；　our　hills
all　seemed　to　me　gloomy；　black；　and　desolate。　It　was　as　though　I　lay
at　the　foot　of　a　precipice；　surrounded　by　serpents　and　poisonous
plants；　and　saw　no　God　in　the　sky。　Such　a　night　ages　a　woman。

Next　morning　I　said：

〃Take　Fedelta　and　be　off　to　Paris！　Don't　sell　her；　I　love　her。　Does
she　not　carry　you？〃

But　he　was　not　deceived；　my　tone　betrayed　the　storm　of　feeling　which　I
strove　to　conceal。

〃Trust　me！〃　he　replied；　and　the　gesture　with　which　he　held　out　his
hand；　the　glance　of　his　eye；　were　so　full　of　loyalty　that　I　was
overcome。

〃What　petty　creatures　women　are！〃　I　exclaimed。

〃No；　you　love　me；　that　is　all；〃　he　said；　pressing　me　to　his　heart。

〃Go　to　Paris　without　me；〃　I　said；　and　this　time　I　made　him　understand
that　my　suspicions　were　laid　aside。

He　went；　I　thought　he　would　have　stayed。　I　won't　attempt　to　tell　you
what　I　suffered。　I　found　a　second　self　within；　quite　strange　to　me。　A
crisis　like　this　has；　for　the　woman　who　loves；　a　tragic　solemnity　that
baffles　words；　the　whole　of　life　rises　before　you　then；　and　you　search
in　vain　for　any　horizon　to　it；　the　veriest　trifle　is　big　with　meaning；
a　glance　contains　a　volume；　icicles　drift　on　uttered　words；　and　the
death　sentence　is　read　in　a　movement　of　the　lips。

I　thought　he　would　have　paid　me　back　in　kind；　had　I　not　been
magnanimous？　I　climbed　to　the　top　of　the　chalet；　and　my　eyes　followed
him　on　the　road。　Ah！　my　dear　Renee；　he　vanished　from　my　sight　with　an
appalling　swiftness。

〃How　keen　he　is　to　go！〃　was　the　thought　that　sprang　of　itself。

Once　more　alone；　I　fell　back　into　the　hell　of　possibilities；　the
maelstrom　of　mistrust。　There　were　moments　when　I　would　have　welcomed
any　certainty；　even　the　worst；　as　a　relief　from　the　torture　of
suspense。　Suspense　is　a　duel　carried　on　in　the　heart；　and　we　give　no
quarter　to　ourselves。

I　paced　up　and　down　the　walks。　I　returned　to　the　house；　only　to　tear
out　again；　like　a　mad　woman。　Gaston；　who　left　at　seven　o'clock；　did
not　return　till　eleven。　Now；　as　it　only　takes　half　an　hour　to　reach
Paris　through　the　park　of　St。　Cloud　and　the　Bois　de　Boulogne；　it　is
plain　that　he　must　have　spent　three　hours　in　town。　He　came　back
radiant；　with　a　whip　in　his　hand　for　me；　an　india…rubber　whip　with　a
gold　handle。

For　a　fortnight　I　had　been　without　a　whip；　my　old　one　being　worn　and
broken。

〃Was　it　for　this　you　tortured　me？〃　I　said；　as　I　admired　the
workmanship　of　this　beautiful　ornament；　which　contains　a　little　scent…
box　at　one　end。

Then　it　flashed　on　me　that　the　present　was　a　fresh　artifice。
Nevertheless　I　threw　myself　at　once　on　his　neck；　not　without
reproaching　him　gently　for　having　caused　me　so　much　pain　for　the　sake
of　a　trifle。　He　was　greatly　pleased　with　his　ingenuity；　his　eyes　and
his　whole　bearing　plainly　showed　the　restrained　triumph　of　the
successful　plotter；　for　there　is　a　radiance　of　the　soul　which　is
reflected　in　every　feature　and　turn　of　the　body。　While　still　examining
the　beauties　of　this　work　of　art；　I　asked　him　at　a　moment　when　we
happened　to　be　looking　each　other　in　the　face：

〃Who　is　the　artist？〃

〃A　friend　of　mine。〃

〃Ah！　I　see　it　has　been　mounted　by　Verdier；〃　and　I　read　the　name　of　the
shop　printed　on　the　handle。

Gaston　is　nothing　but　a　child　yet。　He　blushed；　and　I　made　much　of　him
as　a　reward　for　the　shame　he　felt　in　deceiving　me。　I　pretended　to
notice　nothing；　and　he　may　well　have　thought　the　incident　was　over。

May　25th。

The　next　morning　I　was　in　my　riding…habit　by　six　o'clock；　and　by　seven
landed　at　Verdier's；　where　several　whips　of　the　same　pattern　were
shown　to　me。　One　of　the　men　serving　recognized　mine　when　I　pointed　it
out　to　him。

〃We　sold　that　yesterday　to　a　young　gentleman；〃　he　said。　And　from　the
description　I　gave　him　of　my　traitor　Gaston；　not　a　doubt　was　left　of
his　identity。　I　will　spare　you　the　palpitations　which　rent　my　heart
during　that　journey　to　Paris　and　the　little　scene　there；　which　marked
the　turning…point　of　my　life。

By　half…seven　I　was　home　again；　and　Gaston　found　me；　fresh　and
blooming；　in　my　morning　dress；　sauntering　about　with　a　make…believe
nonchalance。　I　fe