letters of two brides-第39节

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has　a　mother　left　for　herself？

Dinner　time　arrives；　and　as　a　rule　I　have　done　nothing。　Now　comes　the
problem　which　faces　me　twice　every　dayhow　to　suffice　in　my　own
person　for　two　children；　put　on　their　bibs；　turn　up　their　sleeves；　and
get　them　to　eat。　In　the　midst　of　these　ever…recurring　cares；　joys；　and
catastrophes；　the　only　person　neglected　in　the　house　is　myself。　If　the
children　have　been　naughty；　often　I　don't　get　rid　of　my　curl…papers
all　day。　Their　tempers　rule　my　toilet。　As　the　price　of　a　few　minutes
in　which　I　write　you　these　half…dozen　pages；　I　have　had　to　let　them
cut　pictures　out　of　my　novels；　build　castles　with　books；　chessmen；　or
mother…of…pearl　counters；　and　give　Nais　my　silks　and　wools　to　arrange
in　her　own　fashion；　which；　I　assure　you；　is　so　complicated；　that　she
is　entirely　absorbed　in　it；　and　has　not　uttered　a　word。

Yet　I　have　nothing　to　complain　of。　My　children　are　both　strong　and
independent；　they　amuse　themselves　more　easily　then　you　would　think。
They　find　delight　in　everything；　a　guarded　liberty　is　worth　many　toys。
A　few　pebblespink；　yellow；　purple；　and　black；　small　shells；　the
mysteries　of　sand；　are　a　world　of　pleasure　to　them。　Their　wealth
consists　in　possessing　a　multitude　of　small　things。　I　watch　Armand　and
find　him　talking　to　the　flowers；　the　flies；　the　chickens；　and
imitating　them。　He　is　on　friendly　terms　with　insects；　and　never
wearies　of　admiring　them。　Everything　which　is　on　a　minute　scale
interests　them。　Armand　is　beginning　to　ask　the　〃why〃　of　everything　he
sees。　He　has　come　to　ask　what　I　am　saying　to　his　godmother；　whom　he
looks　on　as　a　fairy。　Strange　how　children　hit　the　mark！

Alas！　my　sweet；　I　would　not　sadden　you　with　the　tale　of　my　joys。　Let
me　give　you　some　notion　of　your　godson's　character。　The　other　day　we
were　followed　by　a　poor　man　beggingbeggars　soon　find　out　that　a
mother　with　her　child　at　her　side　can't　resist　them。　Armand　has　no
idea　what　hunger　is；　and　money　is　a　sealed　book　to　him；　but　I　have
just　bought　him　a　trumpet　which　had　long　been　the　object　of　his
desires。　He　held　it　out　to　the　old　man　with　a　kingly　air；　saying：

〃Here；　take　this！〃

What　joy　the　world　can　give　would　compare　with　such　a　moment？

〃May　I　keep　it？〃　said　the　poor　man　to　me。　〃I　too；　madame；　have　had
children；〃　he　added；　hardly　noticing　the　money　I　put　into　his　hand。

I　shudder　when　I　think　that　Armand　must　go　to　school；　and　that　I　have
only　three　years　and　a　half　more　to　keep　him　by　me。　The　flowers　that
blossom　in　his　sunny　childhood　will　fall　before　the　scythe　of　a　public
school　system；　his　gracious　ways　and　bewitching　candor　will　lose　their
spontaneity。　They　will　cut　the　curls　that　I　have　brushed　and　smoothed
and　kissed　so　often！　What　will　they　do　with　the　thinking　being　that　is
Armand？

And　what　of　you？　You　tell　me　nothing　of　your　life。　Are　you　still　in
love　with　Felipe？　For；　as　regards　the　Saracen；　I　have　no　uneasiness。
Good…bye；　Nais　has　just　had　a　tumble；　and　if　I　run　on　like　this；　my
letter　will　become　a　volume。



XLVI

MME。　DE　MACUMER　TO　THE　COMTESSE　DE　L'ESTORADE
1829。

My　sweet；　tender　Renee；　you　will　have　learned　from　the　papers　the
terrible　calamity　which　has　overwhelmed　me。　I　have　not　been　able　to
write　you　even　a　word。　For　twenty　days　I　never　left　his　bedside；　I
received　his　last　breath　and　closed　his　eyes；　I　kept　holy　watch　over
him　with　the　priests　and　repeated　the　prayers　for　the　dead。　The　cruel
pangs　I　suffered　were　accepted　by　me　as　a　rightful　punishment；　and
yet；　when　I　saw　on　his　calm　lips　the　smile　which　was　his　last　farewell
to　me；　how　was　it　possible　to　believe　that　I　had　caused　his　death！

Be　it　so　or　not；　he　is　gone；　and　I　am　left。　To　you；　who　have　known　us
both　so　well；　what　more　need　I　say？　These　words　contain　all。　Oh！　I
would　give　my　share　of　Heaven　to　hear　the　flattering　tale　that　my
prayers　have　power　to　bring　him　back　to　life！　To　see　him　again；　to
have　him　once　more　mine；　were　it　only　for　a　second；　would　mean　that　I
could　draw　breath　again　without　mortal　agony。　Will　you　not　come　soon
and　soothe　me　with　such　promises？　Is　not　your　love　strong　enough　to
deceive　me？

But　stay！　it　was　you　who　told　me　beforehand　that　he　would　suffer
through　me。　Was　it　so　indeed？　Yes；　it　is　true；　I　had　no　right　to　his
love。　Like　a　thief；　I　took　what　was　not　mine；　and　my　frenzied　grasp
has　crushed　the　life　out　of　my　bliss。　The　madness　is　over　now；　but　I
feel　that　I　am　alone。　Merciful　God！　what　torture　of　the　damned　can
exceed　the　misery　in　that　word？

When　they　took　him　away　from　me；　I　lay　down　on　the　same　bed　and　hoped
to　die。　There　was　but　a　door　between　us；　and　it　seemed　to　me　I　had
strength　to　force　it！　But；　alas！　I　was　too　young　for　death；　and　after
forty　days；　during　which；　with　cruel　care　and　all　the　sorry　inventions
of　medical　science；　they　slowly　nursed　me　back　to　life；　I　find　myself
in　the　country；　seated　by　my　window；　surrounded　with　lovely　flowers；
which　he　made　to　bloom　for　me；　gazing　on　the　same　splendid　view　over
which　his　eyes　have　so　often　wandered；　and　which　he　was　so　proud　to
have　discovered；　since　it　gave　me　pleasure。　Ah！　dear　Renee；　no　words
can　tell　how　new　surroundings　hurt　when　the　heart　is　dead。　I　shiver　at
the　sight　of　the　moist　earth　in　my　garden；　for　the　earth　is　a　vast
tomb；　and　it　is　almost　as　though　I　walked　on　/him/！　When　I　first　went
out；　I　trembled　with　fear　and　could　not　move。　It　was　so　sad　to　see　his
flowers；　and　he　not　there！

My　father　and　mother　are　in　Spain。　You　know　what　my　brothers　are；　and
you　yourself　are　detained　in　the　country。　But　you　need　not　be　uneasy
about　me；　two　angels　of　mercy　flew　to　my　side。　The　Duc　and　the
Duchesse　de　Soria　hastened　to　their　brother　in　his　illness；　and　have
been　everything　that　heart　could　wish。　The　last　few　nights　before　the
end　found　the　three　of　us　gathered；　in　calm　and　wordless　grief；　round
the　bed　where　this　great　man　was　breathing　his　last；　a　man　among　a
thousand；　rare　in　any　age；　head　and　shoulders　above　the　rest　of　us　in
everything。　The　patient　resignation　of　my　Felipe　was　angelic。　The
sight　of　his　brother　and　Marie　gave　him　a　moment's　pleasure　and　easing
of　his　pain。

〃Darling；〃　he　said　to　me　with　the　simple　frankness　which　never
deserted　him；　〃I　had　almost　gone　from　life　without　leaving　to　Fernand
the　Barony　of　Macumer；　I　must　make　a　new　will。　My　brother　will　forgive
me；　he　knows　what　it　is　to　love！〃

I　owe　my　life　to　the　care　of　my　brother…in…law　and　his　wife；　they　want
to　carry　me　off　to　Spain！

Ah！　Renee；　to　no　one　but　you　can　I　speak　freely　of　my　grief。　A　sense
of　my　own　faults　weighs　me　to　the　ground；　and　there　is　a　bitter　solace
in　pouring　them　out　to　you；　poor；　unheeded　Cassandra。　The　exactions；
the　preposterous　jealousy；　the　nagging　unrest　of　my　passion　wore　him
to　death。　My　love　was　the　more　fraught　with　danger　for　him　because　we
had　both　the　same　exquisitely　sensitive　nature；　we　spoke　the　same
language；　nothing　was　lost　on　him；　and　often　the　mocking　shaft；　so
carelessly　discharged；　went　straight　to　his　heart。　You　can　have　no
idea　of　the　point　to　which　he　carried　submissiveness。　I　had　only　to
tell　him　to　go　and　leave　me　alone；　and　the　caprice；　however　wounding
to　him；　would　be　obeyed　without　a　murmur。　His　last　breath　was　spent　in
blessing　me　and　in　repeating　that　a　single　morning　alone　with　me　was
more　precious　to　him　than　a　lifetime　spent　with　another　woman；　were
she　even　the　Marie　of　his　youth。　My　tears　fall　as　I　write　the　words。

This　is　the　manner　of　my　life　now。　I　rise　at　midday　and　go　to　bed　at
seven；　I　linger　absurdly　long　over　meals；　I　saunter　about　slowly；
standing　motionless；　an　hour　at　a　time；　before　a　single　plant；　I　gaze
into　the　leafy　trees；　I　take　a　sober　and　serious　interest　in　mere
nothings；　I　long　for　shade；　silence；　and　night；　in　a　word；　I　fight
through　each　hour　as　it　comes；　and　take　a　gloomy　pleasure　in　adding　it
to　the　heap　of　the　vanquished。　My　peaceful　park　gives　me　all　the
company　I　care　for；　everything　there　is　full　of　glorious　images　of　my
vanished　joy；　invisible　for　others　but　eloquent　to　me。

〃I　cannot　away　with　you　Spaniards！〃　I　exclaimed　one　morning；　as　my
sister…in…law　flung　herself　on　my　neck。　〃You　have　some　nobility　that
we　lack。〃

Ah！　Renee；　if　I　still　live；　it　is　doubtless　because　Heaven　tempers　the
sense　of　affliction　to　the　strength　of　those　who　have　to　bear　it。　Only
a　woman　can　know　what　it　is　to　lose　a　love　which　sprang　from　the　heart
and　was　genuine　throughout；　a　passion　which　was　not　ephemeral；　and
satisfied　at　once　the　spirit　and　the　flesh。　How　rare　it　is　to　find　a
man　so　gifted　that　to　worship　him　brings　no　sense　of　degradation！　If
such　supreme　fortune　befall　us　once；　we　cannot　hope　for　it　a　second
time。　Men　of　true　greatness；　whose　strength　and　worth　are　veiled　by
poetic　grace；　and　who　charm　by　some　high　spiritual　power；　men　made　to
be　adored；　beware　of　love！　Love　will　ruin　you；　and　ruin　the　woman　of
your　heart。　This　is　the　burden　of　my　cry　as　I　pace　my　woodland　walks。

And　he　has　left　me　no　child！　That　love　so　rich　in　smiles；　which　rained
perpetual　flowers　and　joy；　has　left　no　fruit。　I　am　a　thing　accursed。
Can　it　be　that；　even　as　the　two　extremes　of　polar　ice　and　torrid　sand
are　alike　intolerant　of　life；　so　the　v