letters of two brides-第37节

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makes　me　miserable　that　I　cannot　keep　him　by　me　when　I　am　laid　up。　The
time　is　more　than　usually　long　with　me；　as　the　doctors　consider　some
special　precautions　necessary。　Alas！　my　child；　habit　does　not　inure
one　to　child…bearing。　There　are　the　same　old　discomforts　and
misgivings。　However　（don't　show　this　to　Felipe）；　this　little　girl
takes　after　me；　and　she　may　yet　cut　out　your　Armand。

My　father　thought　Felipe　looking　very　thin；　and　my　dear　pet　also　not
quite　so　blooming。　Yet　the　Duc　and　Duchesse　de　Soria　have　gone；　not　a
loophole　for　jealousy　is　left！　Is　there　any　trouble　which　you　are
hiding　from　me？　Your　letter　is　neither　so　long　nor　so　full　of　loving
thoughts　as　usual。　Is　this　only　a　whim　of　my　dear　whimsical　friend？

I　am　running　on　too　long。　My　nurse　is　angry　with　me　for　writing；　and
Mlle。　Athenais　de　l'Estorade　wants　her　dinner。　Farewell；　then；　write
me　some　nice　long　letters。



XLIII

MME。　DE　MACUMER　TO　THE　COMTESSE　DE　L'ESTORADE

For　the　first　time　in　my　life；　my　dear　Renee；　I　have　been　alone　and
crying。　I　was　sitting　under　a　willow；　on　a　wooden　bench　by　the　side　of
the　long　Chantepleurs　marsh。　The　view　there　is　charming；　but　it　needs
some　merry　children　to　complete　it；　and　I　wait　for　you。　I　have　been
married　nearly　three　years；　and　no　child！　The　thought　of　your　quiver
full　drove　me　to　explore　my　heart。

And　this　is　what　I　find　there。　〃Oh！　if　I　had　to　suffer　a　hundred…fold
what　Renee　suffered　when　my　godson　was　born；　if　I　had　to　see　my　child
in　convulsions；　even　so　would　to　God　that　I　might　have　a　cherub　of　my
own；　like　your　Athenais！〃　I　can　see　her　from　here　in　my　mind's　eye；
and　I　know　she　is　beautiful　as　the　day；　for　you　tell　me　nothing　about
herthat　is　just　like　my　Renee！　I　believe　you　divine　my　trouble。

Each　time　my　hopes　are　disappointed；　I　fall　a　prey　for　some　days　to
the　blackest　melancholy。　Then　I　compose　sad　elegies。　When　shall　I
embroider　little　caps　and　sew　lace　edgings　to　encircle　a　tiny　head？
When　choose　the　cambric　for　the　baby…clothes？　Shall　I　never　hear　baby
lips　shout　〃Mamma；〃　and　have　my　dress　pulled　by　a　teasing　despot　whom
my　heart　adores？　Are　there　to　be　no　wheelmarks　of　a　little　carriage　on
the　gravel；　no　broken　toys　littered　about　the　courtyard？　Shall　I　never
visit　the　toy…shops；　as　mothers　do；　to　buy　swords；　and　dolls；　and
baby…houses？　And　will　it　never　be　mine　to　watch　the　unfolding　of　a
precious　lifeanother　Felipe；　only　more　dear？　I　would　have　a　son；　if
only　to　learn　how　a　lover　can　be　more　to　one　in　his　second　self。

My　park　and　castle　are　cold　and　desolate　to　me。　A　childless　woman　is　a
monstrosity　of　nature；　we　exist　only　to　be　mothers。　Oh！　my　sage　in
woman's　livery；　how　well　you　have　conned　the　book　of　life！　Everywhere；
too；　barrenness　is　a　dismal　thing。　My　life　is　a　little　too　much　like
one　of　Gessner's　or　Florian's　sheepfolds；　which　Rivarol　longed　to　see
invaded　by　a　wolf。　I　too　have　it　in　me　to　make　sacrifices！　There　are
forces　in　me；　I　feel；　which　Felipe　has　no　use　for；　and　if　I　am　not　to
be　a　mother；　I　must　be　allowed　to　indulge　myself　in　some　romantic
sorrow。

I　have　just　made　this　remark　to　my　belated　Moor；　and　it　brought　tears
to　his　eyes。　He　cannot　stand　any　joking　on　his　love；　so　I　let　him　off
easily；　and　only　called　him　a　paladin　of　folly。

At　times　I　am　seized　with　a　desire　to　go　on　pilgrimage；　to　bear　my
longings　to　the　shrine　of　some　madonna　or　to　a　watering…place。　Next
winter　I　shall　take　medical　advice。　I　am　too　much　enraged　with　myself
to　write　more。　Good…bye。



XLIV

THE　SAME　TO　THE　SAME
Paris；　1829。

A　whole　year　passed；　my　dear；　without　a　letter！　What　does　this　mean？　I
am　a　little　hurt。　Do　you　suppose　that　your　Louis；　who　comes　to　see　me
almost　every　alternate　day；　makes　up　for　you？　It　is　not　enough　to　know
that　you　are　well　and　that　everything　prospers　with　you；　for　I　love
you；　Renee；　and　I　want　to　know　what　you　are　feeling　and　thinking　of；
just　as　I　say　everything　to　you；　at　the　risk　of　being　scolded；　or
censured；　or　misunderstood。　Your　silence　and　seclusion　in　the　country；
at　the　time　when　you　might　be　in　Paris　enjoying　all　the　Parliamentary
honors　of　the　Comte　de　l'Estorade；　cause　me　serious　anxiety。　You　know
that　your　husband's　〃gift　of　gab〃　and　unsparing　zeal　have　won　for　him
quite　a　position　here；　and　he　will　doubtless　receive　some　very　good
post　when　the　session　is　over。　Pray；　do　you　spend　your　life　writing
him　letters　of　advice？　Numa　was　not　so　far　removed　from　his　Egeria。

Why　did　you　not　take　this　opportunity　of　seeing　Paris？　I　might　have
enjoyed　your　company　for　four　months。　Louis　told　me　yesterday　that　you
were　coming　to　fetch　him；　and　would　have　your　third　confinement　in
Parisyou　terrible　mother　Gigogne！　After　bombarding　Louis　with
queries；　exclamations；　and　regrets；　I　at　last　defeated　his　strategy　so
far　as　to　discover　that　his　grand…uncle；　the　godfather　of　Athenais；　is
very　ill。　Now　I　believe　that　you；　like　a　careful　mother；　would　be
quite　equal　to　angling　with　the　member's　speeches　and　fame　for　a　fat
legacy　from　your　husband's　last　remaining　relative　on　the　mother's
side。　Keep　your　mind　easy；　my　Reneewe　are　all　at　work　for　Louis；
Lenoncourts；　Chaulieus；　and　the　whole　band　of　Mme。　de　Macumer's
followers。　Martignac　will　probably　put　him　into　the　audit　department。
But　if　you　won't　tell　me　why　you　bury　yourself　in　the　country；　I　shall
be　cross。

Tell　me；　are　you　afraid　that　the　political　wisdom　of　the　house　of
l'Estorade　should　seem　to　centre　in　you？　Or　is　it　the　uncle's　legacy？
Perhaps　you　were　afraid　you　would　be　less　to　your　children　in　Paris？
Ah！　what　I　would　give　to　know　whether；　after　all；　you　were　not　simply
too　vain　to　show　yourself　in　Paris　for　the　first　time　in　your　present
condition！　Vain　thing！　Farewell。



XLV

RENEE　TO　LOUISE

You　complain　of　my　silence；　have　you　forgotten；　then；　those　two　little
brown　heads；　at　once　my　subjects　and　my　tyrants？　And　as　to　staying　at
home；　you　have　yourself　hit　upon　several　of　my　reasons。　Apart　from　the
condition　of　our　dear　uncle；　I　didn't　want　to　drag　with　me　to　Paris　a
boy　of　four　and　a　little　girl　who　will　soon　be　three；　when　I　am　again
expecting　my　confinement。　I　had　no　intention　of　troubling　you　and
upsetting　your　husband　with　such　a　party。　I　did　not　care　to　appear；
looking　my　worst；　in　the　brilliant　circle　over　which　you　preside；　and
I　detest　life　in　hotels　and　lodgings。

When　I　come　to　spend　the　session　in　Paris；　it　will　be　in　my　own　house。
Louis'　uncle；　when　he　heard　of　the　rank　his　grand…nephew　had　received；
made　me　a　present　of　two　hundred　thousand　francs　（the　half　of　his
savings）　with　which　to　buy　a　house　in　Paris；　and　I　have　charged　Louis
to　find　one　in　your　neighborhood。　My　mother　has　given　me　thirty
thousand　francs　for　the　furnishing；　and　I　shall　do　my　best　not　to
disgrace　the　dear　sister　of　my　electionno　pun　intended。

I　am　grateful　to　you　for　having　already　done　so　much　at　Court　for
Louis。　But　though　M。　de　Bourmont　and　M。　de　Polignac　have　paid　him　the
compliment　of　asking　him　to　join　their　ministry；　I　do　not　wish　so
conspicuous　a　place　for　him。　It　would　commit　him　too　much；　and　I
prefer　the　Audit　Office　because　it　is　permanent。　Our　affairs　here　are
in　very　good　hands；　so　you　need　not　fear；　as　soon　as　the　steward　has
mastered　the　details；　I　will　come　and　support　Louis。

As　for　writing　long　letters　nowadays；　how　can　I。　This　one；　in　which　I
want　to　describe　to　you　the　daily　routine　of　my　life；　will　be　a　week
on　the　stocks。　Who　can　tell　but　Armand　may　lay　hold　of　it　to　make　caps
for　his　regiments　drawn　up　on　my　carpet；　or　vessels　for　the　fleets
which　sail　his　bath！　A　single　day　will　serve　as　a　sample　of　the　rest；
for　they　are　all　exactly　alike；　and　their　characteristics　reduce
themselves　to　twoeither　the　children　are　well；　or　they　are　not。　For
me；　in　this　solitary　grange；　it　is　no　exaggeration　to　say　that　hours
become　minutes；　or　minutes　hours；　according　to　the　children's　health。

If　I　have　some　delightful　hours；　it　is　when　they　are　asleep　and　I　am
no　longer　needed　to　rock　the　one　or　soothe　the　other　with　stories。
When　I　have　them　sleeping　by　my　side；　I　say　to　myself；　〃Nothing　can　go
wrong　now。〃　The　fact　is；　my　sweet；　every　mother　spends　her　time；　so
soon　as　her　children　are　out　of　her　sight；　in　imagining　dangers　for
them。　Perhaps　it　is　Armand　seizing　the　razors　to　play　with；　or　his
coat　taking　fire；　or　a　snake　biting　him；　or　he　might　tumble　in　running
and　start　an　abscess　on　his　head；　or　he　might　drown　himself　in　a　pond。
A　mother's　life；　you　see；　is　one　long　succession　of　dramas；　now　soft
and　tender；　now　terrible。　Not　an　hour　but　has　its　joys　and　fears。

But　at　night；　in　my　room；　comes　the　hour　for　waking　dreams；　when　I
plan　out　their　future；　which　shines　brightly　in　the　smile　of　the
guardian　angel；　watching　over　their　beds。　Sometimes　Armand　calls　me　in
his　sleep；　I　kiss　his　forehead　（without　rousing　him）；　then　his
sister's　feet；　and　watch　them　both　lying　in　their　beauty。　These　are　my
merry…makings！　Yesterday；　it　must　have　been　our　guardian　angel　who
roused　me　in　the　middle　of　the　night　and　summoned　me　in　fear　to
Athenais'　cradle。　Her　head　was　too　low；　and　I　found　Armand　all
uncovered；　his　feet　purple　with　cold。

〃Darling　mother！〃　he　c