letters of two brides-第30节

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have　Macumer　for　godfather。　To　take　part　in　a　ceremony　of　the　Church
with　another　as　my　partner　would　be　hateful　to　me。　Ah！　if　you　could
see　the　look　he　gave　me　as　I　said　this；　you　would　know　what　store　this
sweetest　of　lovers　sets　on　his　wife！

〃I　am　the　more　bent　on　our　visiting　La　Crampade　together；　Felipe；〃　I
went　on；　〃because　I　might　have　a　child　there。　I　too；　you　know；　would
be　a　mother！　。　。　。　And　yet；　can　you　fancy　me　torn　in　two　between　you
and　the　infant？　To　begin　with；　if　I　saw　any　creaturewere　it　even　my
own　sontaking　my　place　in　your　heart；　I　couldn't　answer　for　the
consequences。　Medea　may　have　been　right　after　all。　The　Greeks　had　some
good　notions！〃

And　he　laughed。

So；　my　sweetheart；　you　have　the　fruit　without　the　flowers；　I　the
flowers　without　the　fruit。　The　contrast　in　our　lives　still　holds　good。
Between　the　two　of　us　we　have　surely　enough　philosophy　to　find　the
moral　of　it　some　day。　Bah！　only　ten　months　married！　Too　soon；　you　will
admit；　to　give　up　hope。

We　are　leading　a　gay；　yet　far　from　empty　life；　as　is　the　way　with
happy　people。　The　days　are　never　long　enough　for　us。　Society；　seeing
me　in　the　trappings　of　a　married　woman；　pronounces　the　Baronne　de
Macumer　much　prettier　than　Louise　de　Chaulieu：　a　happy　love　is　a　most
becoming　cosmetic。　When　Felipe　and　I　drive　along　the　Champs…Elysees　in
the　bright　sunshine　of　a　crisp　January　day；　beneath　the　trees；　frosted
with　clusters　of　white　stars；　and　face　all　Paris　on　the　spot　where
last　year　we　met　with　a　gulf　between　us；　the　contrast　calls　up　a
thousand　fancies。　Suppose；　after　all；　your　last　letter　should　be　right
in　its　forecast；　and　we　are　too　presumptuous！

If　I　am　ignorant　of　a　mother's　joys；　you　shall　tell　me　about　them；　I
will　learn　by　sympathy。　But　my　imagination　can　picture　nothing　to
equal　the　rapture　of　love。　You　will　laugh　at　my　extravagance；　but；　I
assure　you；　that　a　dozen　times　in　as　many　months　the　longing　has
seized　me　to　die　at　thirty；　while　life　was　still　untarnished；　amidst
the　roses　of　love；　in　the　embrace　of　passion。　To　bid　farewell　to　the
feast　at　its　brightest；　before　disappointment　has　come；　having　lived
in　this　sunshine　and　celestial　air；　and　well…nigh　spent　myself　in
love；　not　a　leaf　dropped　from　my　crown；　not　an　illusion　perished　in　my
heart；　what　a　dream　is　there！　Think　what　it　would　be　to　bear　about　a
young　heart　in　an　aged　body；　to　see　only　cold；　dumb　faces　around　me；
where　even　strangers　used　to　smile；　to　be　a　worthy　matron！　Can　Hell
have　a　worse　torture？

On　this　very　subject；　in　fact；　Felipe　and　I　have　had　our　first
quarrel。　I　contended　that　he　ought　to　have　sufficient　moral　strength
to　kill　me　in　my　sleep　when　I　have　reached　thirty；　so　that　I　might
pass　from　one　dream　to　another。　The　wretch　declined。　I　threatened　to
leave　him　alone　in　the　world；　and；　poor　child；　he　turned　white　as　a
sheet。　My　dear；　this　distinguished　statesman　is　neither　more　nor　less
than　a　baby。　It　is　incredible　what　youth　and　simplicity　he　contrived
to　hide　away。　Now　that　I　allow　myself　to　think　aloud　with　him；　as　I　do
with　you；　and　have　no　secrets　from　him；　we　are　always　giving　each
other　surprises。

Dear　Renee；　Felipe　and　Louise；　the　pair　of　lovers；　want　to　send　a
present　to　the　young　mother。　We　would　like　to　get　something　that　would
give　you　pleasure；　and　we　don't　share　the　popular　taste　for　surprises；
so　tell　me　quite　frankly；　please；　what　you　would　like。　It　ought　to　be
something　which　would　recall　us　to　you　in　a　pleasant　way；　something
which　you　will　use　every　day；　and　which　won't　wear　out　with　use。　The
meal　which　with　us　is　most　cheerful　and　friendly　is　lunch；　and
therefore　the　idea　occurred　to　me　of　a　special　luncheon　service；
ornamented　with　figures　of　babies。　If　you　approve　of　this；　let　me　know
at　once；　for　it　will　have　to　be　ordered　immediately　if　we　are　to　bring
it。　Paris　artists　are　gentlemen　of　far　too　much　importance　to　be
hurried。　This　will　be　my　offering　to　Lucina。

Farewell；　dear　nursing　mother。　May　all　a　mother's　delights　be　yours！　I
await　with　impatience　your　first　letter；　which　will　tell　me　all　about
it；　I　hope。　Some　of　the　details　in　your　husband's　letter　went　to　my
heart。　Poor　Renee；　a　mother　has　a　heavy　price　to　pay。　I　will　tell　my
godson　how　dearly　he　must　love　you。　No　end　of　love；　my　sweet　one。



XXXI

RENEE　DE　L'ESTORADE　TO　LOUISE　DE　MACUMER

It　is　nearly　five　months　now　since　baby　was　born；　and　not　once；　dear
heart；　have　I　found　a　single　moment　for　writing　to　you。　When　you　are　a
mother　yourself；　you　will　be　more　ready　to　excuse　me；　than　you　are
now；　for　you　have　punished　me　a　little　bit　in　making　your　own　letters
so　few　and　far　between。　Do　write；　my　darling！　Tell　me　of　your
pleasures；　lay　on　the　blue　as　brightly　as　you　please。　It　will　not　hurt
me；　for　I　am　happy　now；　happier　than　you　can　imagine。

I　went　in　state　to　the　parish　church　to　hear　the　Mass　for　recovery
from　childbirth；　as　is　the　custom　in　the　old　families　of　Provence。　I
was　supported　on　either　side　by　the　two　grandfathersLouis'　father
and　my　own。　Never　had　I　knelt　before　God　with　such　a　flood　of
gratitude　in　my　heart。　I　have　so　much　to　tell　you　of；　so　many　feelings
to　describe；　that　I　don't　know　where　to　begin；　but　from　amidst　these
confused　memories；　one　rises　distinctly；　that　of　my　prayer　in　the
church。

When　I　found　myself　transformed　into　a　joyful　mother；　on　the　very　spot
where；　as　a　girl；　I　had　trembled　for　my　future；　it　seemed　to　my　fancy
that　the　Virgin　on　the　altar　bowed　her　head　and　pointed　to　the　infant
Christ；　who　smiled　at　me！　My　heart　full　of　pure　and　heavenly　love；　I
held　out　little　Armand　for　the　priest　to　bless　and　bathe；　in
anticipation　of　the　regular　baptism　to　come　later。　But　you　will　see　us
together　then；　Armand　and　me。

My　childcome　see　how　readily　the　word　comes；　and　indeed　there　is
none　sweeter　to　a　mother's　heart　and　mind　or　on　her　lipswell；　then；
dear　child；　during　the　last　two　months　I　used　to　drag　myself　wearily
and　heavily　about　the　gardens；　not　realizing　yet　how　precious　was　the
burden；　spite　of　all　the　discomforts　it　brought！　I　was　haunted　by
forebodings　so　gloomy　and　ghastly；　that　they　got　the　better　even　of
curiosity；　in　vain　did　I　picture　the　delights　of　motherhood。　My　heart
made　no　response　even　to　the　thought　of　the　little　one；　who　announced
himself　by　lively　kicking。　That　is　a　sensation；　dear；　which　may　be
welcome　when　it　is　familiar；　but　as　a　novelty；　it　is　more　strange　than
pleasing。　I　speak　for　myself　at　least；　you　know　I　would　never　affect
anything　I　did　not　really　feel；　and　I　look　on　my　child　as　a　gift
straight　from　Heaven。　For　one　who　saw　in　it　rather　the　image　of　the
man　she　loved；　it　might　be　different。

But　enough　of　such　sad　thoughts；　gone；　I　trust；　for　ever。

When　the　crisis　came；　I　summoned　all　my　powers　of　resistance；　and
braced　myself　so　well　for　suffering；　that　I　bore　the　horrible　agony
so　they　tell　mequite　marvelously。　For　about　an　hour　I　sank　into　a
sort　of　stupor；　of　the　nature　of　a　dream。　I　seemed　to　myself　then　two
beingsan　outer　covering　racked　and　tortured　by　red…hot　pincers；　and
a　soul　at　peace。　In　this　strange　state　the　pain　formed　itself　into　a
sort　of　halo　hovering　over　me。　A　gigantic　rose　seemed　to　spring　out　of
my　head　and　grow　ever　larger　and　larger；　till　it　enfolded　me　in　its
blood…red　petals。　The　same　color　dyed　the　air　around；　and　everything　I
saw　was　blood…red。　At　last　the　climax　came；　when　soul　and　body　seemed
no　longer　able　to　hold　together；　the　spasms　of　pain　gripped　me　like
death　itself。　I　screamed　aloud；　and　found　fresh　strength　against　this
fresh　torture。　Suddenly　this　concert　of　hideous　cries　was　overborne　by
a　joyful　soundthe　shrill　wail　of　the　newborn　infant。　No　words　can
describe　that　moment。　It　was　as　though　the　universe　took　part　in　my
cries；　when　all　at　once　the　chorus　of　pain　fell　hushed　before　the
child's　feeble　note。

They　laid　me　back　again　in　the　large　bed；　and　it　felt　like　paradise　to
me；　even　in　my　extreme　exhaustion。　Three　or　four　happy　faces　pointed
through　tears　to　the　child。　My　dear；　I　exclaimed　in　terror：

〃It's　just　like　a　little　monkey！　Are　you　really　and　truly　certain　it
is　a　child？〃

I　fell　back　on　my　side；　miserably　disappointed　at　my　first　experience
of　motherly　feeling。

〃Don't　worry；　dear；〃　said　my　mother；　who　had　installed　herself　as
nurse。　〃Why；　you've　got　the　finest　baby　in　the　world。　You　mustn't
excite　yourself；　but　give　your　whole　mind　now　to　turning　yourself　as
much　as　possible　into　an　animal；　a　milch　cow；　pasturing　in　the
meadow。〃

I　fell　asleep　then；　fully　resolved　to　let　nature　have　her　way。

Ah！　my　sweet；　how　heavenly　it　was　to　waken　up　from　all　the　pain　and
haziness　of　the　first　days；　when　everything　was　still　dim；
uncomfortable；　confused。　A　ray　of　light　pierced　the　darkness；　my　heart
and　soul；　my　inner　selfa　self　I　had　never　known　beforerent　the
envelope　of　gloomy　suffering；　as　a　flower　bursts　its　sheath　at　the
first　warm　kiss　of　the　sun；　at　the　moment　when　the　little　wretch
fastened　on　my　breast　and　sucked。　Not　even　the　sensation　of　the
child's　first　cry　was　so　exquisite　as　this。　This　is　the　dawn　of
motherhood；　this　is　the　/Fiat　lux/！

Here　is　happiness；　joy　ineffable；　though　it　comes　not　without　pangs。
O