letters of two brides-第29节

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your　ear　let　me　whisper　itso　far　it　agitates　neither　my　heart　nor　my
understanding。　I　see　all　around　me　happy；　the　grandfather…to…be　has
become　a　child　again；　trespassing　on　the　grandchild's　place；　the
father　wears　a　grave　and　anxious　look；　they　are　all　most　attentive　to
me；　all　talk　of　the　joy　of　being　a　mother。　Alas！　I　alone　remain　cold；
and　I　dare　not　tell　you　how　dead　I　am　to　all　emotion；　though　I　affect
a　little　in　order　not　to　damp　the　general　satisfaction。　But　with　you　I
may　be　frank；　and　I　confess　that；　at　my　present　stage；　motherhood　is　a
mere　affair　of　the　imagination。

Louis　was　to　the　full　as　much　surprised　as　I。　Does　not　this　show　how
little；　unless　by　his　impatient　wishes；　the　father　counts　for　in　this
matter？　Chance；　my　dear；　is　the　sovereign　deity　in　child…bearing。　My
doctor；　while　maintaining　that　this　chance　works　in　harmony　with
nature；　does　not　deny　that　children　who　are　the　fruit　of　passionate
love　are　bound　to　be　richly　endowed　both　physically　and　mentally；　and
that　often　the　happiness　which　shone　like　a　radiant　star　over　their
birth　seems　to　watch　over　them　through　life。　It　may　be　then；　Louise；
that　motherhood　reserves　joys　for　you　which　I　shall　never　know。　It　may
be　that　the　feeling　of　a　mother　for　the　child　of　a　man　whom　she
adores；　as　you　adore　Felipe；　is　different　from　that　with　which　she
regards　the　offspring　of　reason；　duty；　and　desperation！

Thoughts　such　as　these；　which　I　bury　in　my　inmost　heart；　add　to　the
preoccupation　only　natural　to　a　woman　soon　to　be　a　mother。　And　yet；　as
the　family　cannot　exist　without　children；　I　long　to　speed　the　moment
from　which　the　joys　of　family；　where　alone　I　am　to　find　my　life；　shall
date　their　beginning。　At　present　I　live　a　life　all　expectation　and
mystery；　except　for　a　sickening　physical　discomfort；　which　no　doubt
serves　to　prepare　a　woman　for　suffering　of　a　different　kind。　I　watch
my　symptoms；　and　in　spite　of　the　attentions　and　thoughtful　care　with
which　Louis'　anxiety　surrounds　me；　I　am　conscious　of　a　vague
uneasiness；　mingled　with　the　nausea；　the　distaste　for　food；　and
abnormal　longings　common　to　my　condition。　If　I　am　to　speak　candidly；　I
must　confess；　at　the　risk　of　disgusting　you　with　the　whole　business；
to　an　incomprehensible　craving　for　rotten　fruit。　My　husband　goes　to
Marseilles　to　fetch　the　finest　oranges　the　world　producesfrom　Malta；
Portugal；　Corsicaand　these　I　don't　touch。　Then　I　hurry　there　myself；
sometimes　on　foot；　and　in　a　little　back　street；　running　down　to　the
harbor；　close　to　the　Town　Hall；　I　find　wretched；　half…putrid　oranges；
two　for　a　sou；　which　I　devour　eagerly。　The　bluish；　greenish　shades　on
the　mouldy　parts　sparkle　like　diamonds　in　my　eyes；　they　are　flowers　to
me；　I　forget　the　putrid　odor；　and　find　them　delicious；　with　a　piquant
flavor；　and　stimulating　as　wine。　My　dear；　they　are　the　first　love　of
my　life！　Your　passion　for　Felipe　is　nothing　to　this！　Sometimes　I　can
slip　out　secretly　and　fly　to　Marseilles；　full　of　passionate　longings；
which　grow　more　intense　as　I　draw　near　the　street。　I　tremble　lest　the
woman　should　be　sold　out　of　rotten　oranges；　I　pounce　on　them　and
devour　them　as　I　stand。　It　seems　to　me　an　ambrosial　food；　and　yet　I
have　seen　Louis　turn　aside；　unable　to　bear　the　smell。　Then　came　to　my
mind　the　ghastly　words　of　Obermann　in　his　gloomy　elegy；　which　I　wish　I
had　never　read；　〃Roots　slake　their　thirst　in　foulest　streams。〃　Since　I
took　to　this　diet；　the　sickness　has　ceased；　and　I　feel　much　stronger。
This　depravity　of　taste　must　have　a　meaning；　for　it　seems　to　be　part
of　a　natural　process　and　to　be　common　to　most　women；　sometimes　going
to　most　extravagant　lengths。

When　my　situation　is　more　marked；　I　shall　not　go　beyond　the　grounds；
for　I　should　not　like　to　be　seen　under　these　circumstances。　I　have　the
greatest　curiosity　to　know　at　what　precise　moment　the　sense　of
motherhood　begins。　It　cannot　possibly　be　in　the　midst　of　frightful
suffering；　the　very　thought　of　which　makes　me　shudder。

Farewell；　favorite　of　fortune！　Farewell；　my　friend；　in　whom　I　live
again；　and　through　whom　I　am　able　to　picture　to　myself　this　brave
love；　this　jealousy　all　on　fire　at　a　look；　these　whisperings　in　the
ear；　these　joys　which　create　for　women；　as　it　were；　a　new　atmosphere；
a　new　daylight；　fresh　life！　Ah！　pet；　I　too　understand　love。　Don't
weary　of　telling　me　everything。　Keep　faithful　to　our　bond。　I　promise；
in　my　turn；　to　spare　you　nothing。

Nayto　conclude　in　all　seriousnessI　will　not　conceal　from　you　that；
on　reading　your　letter　a　second　time；　I　was　seized　with　a　dread　which
I　could　not　shake　off。　This　superb　love　seems　like　a　challenge　to
Providence。　Will　not　the　sovereign　master　of　this　earth；　Calamity；
take　umbrage　if　no　place　be　left　for　him　at　your　feast？　What　mighty
edifice　of　fortune　has　he　not　overthrown？　Oh！　Louise；　forget　not；　in
all　this　happiness；　your　prayers　to　God。　Do　good；　be　kind　and
merciful；　let　your　moderation；　if　it　may　be；　avert　disaster。　Religion
has　meant　much　more　to　me　since　I　left　the　convent　and　since　my
marriage；　but　your　Paris　news　contains　no　mention　of　it。　In　your
glorification　of　Felipe　it　seems　to　me　you　reverse　the　saying；　and
invoke　God　less　than　His　saint。

But；　after　all；　this　panic　is　only　excess　of　affection。　You　go　to
church　together；　I　do　not　doubt；　and　do　good　in　secret。　The　close　of
this　letter　will　seem　to　you　very　primitive；　I　expect；　but　think　of
the　too　eager　friendship　which　prompts　these　fearsa　friendship　of
the　type　of　La　Fontaine's；　which　takes　alarms　at　dreams；　at　half…
formed；　misty　ideas。　You　deserve　to　be　happy；　since；　through　it　all；
you　still　think　of　me；　no　less　than　I　think　of　you；　in　my　monotonous
life；　which；　though　it　lacks　color；　is　yet　not　empty；　and；　if
uneventful；　is　not　unfruitful。　God　bless　you；　then！



XXIX

M。　DE　L'ESTORADE　TO　THE　BARONNE　DE　MACUMER
December　1825。

Madame；It　is　the　desire　of　my　wife　that　you　should　not　learn　first
from　the　formal　announcement　of　an　event　which　has　filled　us　with　joy。
Renee　has　just　given　birth　to　a　fine　boy；　whose　baptism　we　are
postponing　till　your　return　to　Chantepleurs。　Renee　and　I　both
earnestly　hope　that　you　may　then　come　as　far　as　La　Crampade；　and　will
consent　to　act　as　godmother　to　our　firstborn。　In　this　hope；　I　have　had
him　placed　on　the　register　under　the　name　of　Armand…Louis　de
l'Estorade。

Our　dear　Renee　suffered　much；　but　bore　it　with　angelic　patience。　You；
who　know　her；　will　easily　understand　that　the　assurance　of　bringing
happiness　to　us　all　supported　her　through　this　trying　apprenticeship
to　motherhood。

Without　indulging　in　the　more　or　less　ludicrous　exaggerations　to　which
the　novel　sensation　of　being　a　father　is　apt　to　give　rise；　I　may　tell
you　that　little　Armand　is　a　beautiful　infant；　and　you　will　have　no
difficulty　in　believing　it　when　I　add　that　he　has　Renee's　features　and
eyes。　So　far；　at　least；　this　gives　proof　of　intelligence。

The　physician　and　accoucheur　assure　us　that　Renee　is　now　quite　out　of
danger；　and　as　she　is　proving　an　admirable　nurseNature　has　endowed
her　so　generously！my　father　and　I　are　able　to　give　free　rein　to　our
joy。　Madame；　may　I　be　allowed　to　express　the　hope　that　this　joy；　so
vivid　and　intense；　which　has　brought　fresh　life　into　our　house；　and
has　changed　the　face　of　existence　for　my　dear　wife；　may　ere　long　be
yours？

Renee　has　had　a　suite　of　rooms　prepared；　and　I　only　wish　I　could　make
them　worthy　of　our　guests。　But　the　cordial　friendliness　of　the
reception　which　awaits　you　may　perhaps　atone　for　any　lack　of　splendor。

I　have　heard　from　Renee；　madame；　of　your　kind　thought　in　regard　to　us；
and　I　take　this　opportunity　of　thanking　you　for　it；　the　more　gladly
because　nothing　could　now　be　more　appropriate。　The　birth　of　a　grandson
has　reconciled　my　father　to　sacrifices　which　bear　hardly　on　an　old
man。　He　has　just　bought　two　estates；　and　La　Crampade　is　now　a　property
with　an　annual　rental　of　thirty　thousand　francs。　My　father　intends
asking　the　King's　permission　to　form　an　entailed　estate　of　it；　and　if
you　are　good　enough　to　get　for　him　the　title　of　which　you　spoke　in
your　last　letter；　you　will　have　already　done　much　for　your　godson。

For　my　part；　I　shall　carry　out　your　suggestions　solely　with　the　object
of　bringing　you　and　Renee　together　during　the　sessions　of　the　Chamber。
I　am　working　hard　with　the　view　of　becoming　what　is　called　a
specialist。　But　nothing　could　give　me　greater　encouragement　in　my
labors　than　the　thought　that　you　will　take　an　interest　in　my　little
Armand。　Come；　then；　we　beg　of　you；　and　with　your　beauty　and　your
grace；　your　playful　fancy　and　your　noble　soul；　enact　the　part　of　good
fairy　to　my　son　and　heir。　You　will　thus；　madame；　add　undying　gratitude
to　the　respectful　regard　of
Your　very　humble；　obedient　servant；
LOUIS　DE　L'ESTORADE。



XXX

LOUISE　DE　MACUMER　TO　RENEE　DE　L'ESTORADE
January　1826。

Macumer　has　just　wakened　me；　darling；　with　your　husband's　letter。
First　and　foremostYes。　We　shall　be　going　to　Chantepleurs　about　the
end　of　April。　To　me　it　will　be　a　piling　up　of　pleasure　to　travel；　to
see　you；　and　to　be　the　godmother　of　your　first　child。　I　must；　please；
have　Macumer　for　godfather。　To　take　part　in　a　ceremony　of　the　Church
with　another　as　m