letters of two brides-第21节

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I　had　sufficient　presence　of　mind　myself　to　regard　with　curiosity
Mmes。　de　Maufrigneuse　and　d'Espard　and　my　mother；　as　though　they　were
talking　a　foreign　language　and　I　wanted　to　know　what　it　was　all　about；
but　inwardly　my　soul　sank　in　the　waves　of　an　intoxicating　joy。　There
is　only　one　word　to　express　what　I　felt；　and　that　is：　rapture。　Such
love　as　Felipe's　surely　makes　him　worthy　of　mine。　I　am　the　very　breath
of　his　life；　my　hands　hold　the　thread　that　guides　his　thoughts。　To　be
quite　frank；　I　have　a　mad　longing　to　see　him　clear　every　obstacle　and
stand　before　me；　asking　boldly　for　my　hand。　Then　I　should　know　whether
this　storm　of　love　would　sink　to　placid　calm　at　a　glance　from　me。

Ah！　my　dear；　I　stopped　here；　and　I　am　still　all　in　a　tremble。　As　I
wrote；　I　heard　a　slight　noise　outside；　and　rose　to　see　what　it　was。
From　my　window　I　could　see　him　coming　along　the　ridge　of　the　wall　at
the　risk　of　his　life。　I　went　to　the　bedroom　window　and　made　him　a
sign；　it　was　enough；　he　leaped　from　the　wallten　feetand　then　ran
along　the　road；　as　far　as　I　could　see　him；　in　order　to　show　me　that　he
was　not　hurt。　That　he　should　think　of　my　fear　at　the　moment　when　he
must　have　been　stunned　by　his　fall；　moved　me　so　much　that　I　am　still
crying；　I　don't　know　why。　Poor　ungainly　man！　what　was　he　coming　for？
what　had　he　to　say　to　me？

I　dare　not　write　my　thoughts；　and　shall　go　to　bed　joyful；　thinking　of
all　that　we　would　say　if　we　were　together。　Farewell；　fair　silent　one。
I　have　not　time　to　scold　you　for　not　writing；　but　it　is　more　than　a
month　since　I　have　heard　from　you！　Does　this　mean　that　you　are　at　last
happy？　Have　you　lost　the　〃complete　independence〃　which　you　were　so
proud　of；　and　which　to…night　has　so　nearly　played　me　false？



XX

RENEE　DE　L'ESTORADE　TO　LOUISE　DE　CHAULIEU
May。

If　love　be　the　life　of　the　world；　why　do　austere　philosophers　count　it
for　nothing　in　marriage？　Why　should　Society　take　for　its　first　law
that　the　woman　must　be　sacrificed　to　the　family；　introducing　thus　a
note　of　discord　into　the　very　heart　of　marriage？　And　this　discord　was
foreseen；　since　it　was　to　meet　the　dangers　arising　from　it　that　men
were　armed　with　new…found　powers　against　us。　But　for　these；　we　should
have　been　able　to　bring　their　whole　theory　to　nothing；　whether　by　the
force　of　love　or　of　a　secret；　persistent　aversion。

I　see　in　marriage；　as　it　at　present　exists；　two　opposing　forces　which
it　was　the　task　of　the　lawgiver　to　reconcile。　〃When　will　they　be
reconciled？〃　I　said　to　myself；　as　I　read　your　letter。　Oh！　my　dear；　one
such　letter　alone　is　enough　to　overthrow　the　whole　fabric　constructed
by　the　sage　of　Aveyron；　under　whose　shelter　I　had　so　cheerfully
ensconced　myself！　The　laws　were　made　by　old　menany　woman　can　see
thatand　they　have　been　prudent　enough　to　decree　that　conjugal　love；
apart　from　passion；　is　not　degrading；　and　that　a　woman　in　yielding
herself　may　dispense　with　the　sanction　of　love；　provided　the　man　can
legally　call　her　his。　In　their　exclusive　concern　for　the　family　they
have　imitated　Nature；　whose　one　care　is　to　propagate　the　species。

Formerly　I　was　a　person；　now　I　am　a　chattel。　Not　a　few　tears　have　I
gulped　down；　alone　and　far　from　every　one。　How　gladly　would　I　have
exchanged　them　for　a　consoling　smile！　Why　are　our　destinies　so
unequal？　Your　soul　expands　in　the　atmosphere　of　a　lawful　passion。　For
you；　virtue　will　coincide　with　pleasure。　If　you　encounter　pain；　it
will　be　of　your　own　free　choice。　Your　duty；　if　you　marry　Felipe；　will
be　one　with　the　sweetest；　freest　indulgence　of　feeling。　Our　future　is
big　with　the　answer　to　my　question；　and　I　look　for　it　with　restless
eagerness。

You　love　and　are　adored。　Oh！　my　dear；　let　this　noble　romance；　the　old
subject　of　our　dreams；　take　full　possession　of　your　soul。　Womanly
beauty；　refined　and　spiritualized　in　you；　was　created　by　God；　for　His
own　purposes；　to　charm　and　to　delight。　Yes；　my　sweet；　guard　well　the
secret　of　your　heart；　and　submit　Felipe　to　those　ingenious　devices　of
ours　for　testing　a　lover's　metal。　Above　all；　make　trial　of　your　own
love；　for　this　is　even　more　important。　It　is　so　easy　to　be　misled　by
the　deceptive　glamour　of　novelty　and　passion；　and　by　the　vision　of
happiness。

Alone　of　the　two　friends；　you　remain　in　your　maiden　independence；　and
I　beseech　you；　dearest；　do　not　risk　the　irrevocable　step　of　marriage
without　some　guarantee。　It　happens　sometimes；　when　two　are　talking
together；　apart　from　the　world；　their　souls　stripped　of　social
disguise；　that　a　gesture；　a　word；　a　look　lights　up；　as　by　a　flash；
some　dark　abyss。　You　have　courage　and　strength　to　tread　boldly　in
paths　where　others　would　be　lost。

You　have　no　conception　in　what　anxiety　I　watch　you。　Across　all　this
space　I　see　you；　my　heart　beats　with　yours。　Be　sure；　therefore；　to
write　and　tell　me　everything。　Your　letters　create　an　inner　life　of
passion　within　my　homely；　peaceful　household；　which　reminds　me　of　a
level　highroad　on　a　gray　day。　The　only　event　here；　my　sweet；　is　that　I
am　playing　cross…purposes　with　myself。　But　I　don't　want　to　tell　you
about　it　just　now；　it　must　wait　for　another　day。　With　dogged
obstinacy；　I　pass　from　despair　to　hope；　now　yielding；　now　holding
back。　It　may　be　that　I　ask　from　life　more　than　we　have　a　right　to
claim。　In　youth　we　are　so　ready　to　believe　that　the　ideal　and　the　real
will　harmonize！

I　have　been　pondering　alone；　seated　beneath　a　rock　in　my　park；　and　the
fruit　of　my　pondering　is　that　love　in　marriage　is　a　happy　accident　on
which　it　is　impossible　to　base　a　universal　law。　My　Aveyron　philosopher
is　right　in　looking　on　the　family　as　the　only　possible　unit　in
society；　and　in　placing　woman　in　subjection　to　the　family；　as　she　has
been　in　all　ages。　The　solution　of　this　greatfor　us　almost　awful
question　lies　in　our　first　child。　For　this　reason；　I　would　gladly　be　a
mother；　were　it　only　to　supply　food　for　the　consuming　energy　of　my
soul。

Louis'　temper　remains　as　perfect　as　ever；　his　love　is　of　the　active；
my　tenderness　of　the　passive；　type。　He　is　happy；　plucking　the　flowers
which　bloom　for　him；　without　troubling　about　the　labor　of　the　earth
which　has　produced　them。　Blessed　self…absorption！　At　whatever　cost　to
myself；　I　fall　in　with　his　illusions；　as　a　mother；　in　my　idea　of　her；
should　be　ready　to　spend　herself　to　satisfy　a　fancy　of　her　child。　The
intensity　of　his　joy　blinds　him；　and　even　throws　its　reflection　upon
me。　The　smile　or　look　of　satisfaction　which　the　knowledge　of　his
content　brings　to　my　face　is　enough　to　satisfy　him。　And　so；　〃my　child〃
is　the　pet　name　which　I　give　him　when　we　are　alone。

And　I　wait　for　the　fruit　of　all　these　sacrifices　which　remain　a　secret
between　God；　myself；　and　you。　On　motherhood　I　have　staked　enormously；
my　credit　account　is　now　too　large；　I　fear　I　shall　never　receive　full
payment。　To　it　I　look　for　employment　of　my　energy；　expansion　of　my
heart；　and　the　compensation　of　a　world　of　joys。　Pray　Heaven　I　be　not
deceived！　It　is　a　question　of　all　my　future　and；　horrible　thought；　of
my　virtue。



XXI

LOUISE　DE　CHAULIEU　TO　RENEE　DE　L'ESTORADE
June。

Dear　wedded　sweetheart；Your　letter　has　arrived　at　the　very　moment　to
hearten　me　for　a　bold　step　which　I　have　been　meditating　night　and　day。
I　feel　within　me　a　strange　craving　for　the　unknown；　or；　if　you　will；
the　forbidden；　which　makes　me　uneasy　and　reveals　a　conflict　in
progress　in　my　soul　between　the　laws　of　society　and　of　nature。　I
cannot　tell　whether　nature　in　me　is　the　stronger　of　the　two；　but　I
surprise　myself　in　the　act　of　meditating　between　the　hostile　powers。

In　plain　words；　what　I　wanted　was　to　speak　with　Felipe；　alone；　at
night；　under　the　lime…trees　at　the　bottom　of　our　garden。　There　is　no
denying　that　this　desire　beseems　the　girl　who　has　earned　the　epithet
of　an　〃up…to…date　young　lady；〃　bestowed　on　me　by　the　Duchess　in　jest；
and　which　my　father　has　approved。

Yet　to　me　there　seems　a　method　in　this　madness。　I　should　recompense
Felipe　for　the　long　nights　he　has　passed　under　my　window；　at　the　same
time　that　I　should　test　him；　by　seeing　what　he　thinks　of　my　escapade
and　how　he　comports　himself　at　a　critical　moment。　Let　him　cast　a　halo
round　my　follybehold　in　him　my　husband；　let　him　show　one　iota　less
of　the　tremulous　respect　with　which　he　bows　to　me　in　the　Champs…
Elyseesfarewell；　Don　Felipe。

As　for　society；　I　run　less　risk　in　meeting　my　lover　thus　than　when　I
smile　to　him　in　the　drawing…rooms　of　Mme。　de　Maufrigneuse　and　the　old
Marquise　de　Beauseant；　where　spies　now　surround　us　on　every　side；　and
Heaven　only　knows　how　people　stare　at　the　girl；　suspected　of　a
weakness　for　a　grotesque；　like　Macumer。

I　cannot　tell　you　to　what　a　state　of　agitation　I　am　reduced　by
dreaming　of　this　idea；　and　the　time　I　have　given　to　planning　its
execution。　I　wanted　you　badly。　What　happy　hours　we　should　have
chattered　away；　lost　in　the　mazes　of　uncertainty；　enjoying　in
anticipation　all　the　delights　and　horrors　of　a　first　meeting　in　the
silence　of　night；　under　the　noble　lime…trees　of　the　Chaulieu　mansion；
with　the　moonlight　dancing　through　the　leaves！　As　I　sat　alone；　every
nerve　tingling；　I　cried；　〃Oh！　Renee；　where　are　you？〃　Then　your　letter
came；　like　a　match　to　gunpowder；　and　my　last　scru