the magic skin-第31节

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vain　and　sophisticated；　that　the　language　of　vanity　would　appeal　to

her；　she　would　have　allowed　herself　to　be　taken　in　the　toils　of　an

intrigue；　a　hard；　cold　nature　would　have　gained　a　complete　ascendency

over　her。　Keen　grief　had　pierced　me　to　my　very　soul；　as　she

unconsciously　revealed　her　absolute　love　of　self。　I　seemed　to　see　her

as　she　one　day　would　be；　alone　in　the　world；　with　no　one　to　whom　she

could　stretch　her　hand；　with　no　friendly　eyes　for　her　own　to　meet　and

rest　upon。　I　was　bold　enough　to　set　this　before　her　one　evening；　I

painted　in　vivid　colors　her　lonely；　sad；　deserted　old　age。　Her　comment

on　this　prospect　of　so　terrible　a　revenge　of　thwarted　nature　was

horrible。



〃　'I　shall　always　have　money；'　she　said；　'and　with　money　we　can　always

inspire　such　sentiments　as　are　necessary　for　our　comfort　in　those

about　us。'



〃I　went　away　confounded　by　the　arguments　of　luxury；　by　the　reasoning

of　this　woman　of　the　world　in　which　she　lived；　and　blamed　myself　for

my　infatuated　idolatry。　I　myself　had　not　loved　Pauline　because　she　was

poor；　and　had　not　the　wealthy　Foedora　a　right　to　repulse　Raphael？

Conscience　is　our　unerring　judge　until　we　finally　stifle　it。　A

specious　voice　said　within　me；　'Foedora　is　neither　attracted　to　nor

repulses　any　one；　she　has　her　liberty；　but　once　upon　a　time　she　sold

herself　to　the　Russian　count；　her　husband　or　her　lover；　for　gold。　But

temptation　is　certain　to　enter　into　her　life。　Wait　till　that　moment

comes！'　She　lived　remote　from　humanity；　in　a　sphere　apart；　in　a　hell

or　a　heaven　of　her　own；　she　was　neither　frail　nor　virtuous。　This

feminine　enigma　in　embroideries　and　cashmeres　had　brought　into　play

every　emotion　of　the　human　heart　in　mepride；　ambition；　love；

curiosity。



〃There　was　a　craze　just　then　for　praising　a　play　at　a　little　Boulevard

theatre；　prompted　perhaps　by　a　wish　to　appear　original　that　besets　us

all；　or　due　to　some　freak　of　fashion。　The　countess　showed　some　signs

of　a　wish　to　see　the　floured　face　of　the　actor　who　had　so　delighted

several　people　of　taste；　and　I　obtained　the　honor　of　taking　her　to　a

first　presentation　of　some　wretched　farce　or　other。　A　box　scarcely

cost　five　francs；　but　I　had　not　a　brass　farthing。　I　was　but　half…way

through　the　volume　of　Memoirs；　I　dared　not　beg　for　assistance　of

Finot；　and　Rastignac；　my　providence；　was　away。　These　constant

perplexities　were　the　bane　of　my　life。



〃We　had　once　come　out　of　the　theatre　when　it　was　raining　heavily；

Foedora　had　called　a　cab　for　me　before　I　could　escape　from　her　show　of

concern；　she　would　not　admit　any　of　my　excusesmy　liking　for　wet

weather；　and　my　wish　to　go　to　the　gaming…table。　She　did　not　read　my

poverty　in　my　embarrassed　attitude；　or　in　my　forced　jests。　My　eyes

would　redden；　but　she　did　not　understand　a　look。　A　young　man's　life　is

at　the　mercy　of　the　strangest　whims！　At　every　revolution　of　the　wheels

during　the　journey；　thoughts　that　burned　stirred　in　my　heart。　I　tried

to　pull　up　a　plank　from　the　bottom　of　the　vehicle；　hoping　to　slip

through　the　hole　into　the　street；　but　finding　insuperable　obstacles；　I

burst　into　a　fit　of　laughter；　and　then　sat　stupefied　in　calm

dejection；　like　a　man　in　a　pillory。　When　I　reached　my　lodging；　Pauline

broke　in　through　my　first　stammering　words　with：



〃　'If　you　haven't　any　money？'



〃Ah；　the　music　of　Rossini　was　as　nothing　compared　with　those　words。

But　to　return　to　the　performance　at　the　Funambules。



〃I　thought　of　pawning　the　circlet　of　gold　round　my　mother's　portrait

in　order　to　escort　the　countess。　Although　the　pawnbroker　loomed　in　my

thoughts　as　one　of　the　doors　of　a　convict's　prison；　I　would　rather

myself　have　carried　my　bed　thither　than　have　begged　for　alms。　There　is

something　so　painful　in　the　expression　of　a　man　who　asks　money　of　you！

There　are　loans　that　mulct　us　of　our　self…respect；　just　as　some

rebuffs　from　a　friend's　lips　sweep　away　our　last　illusion。



〃Pauline　was　working；　her　mother　had　gone　to　bed。　I　flung　a　stealthy

glance　over　the　bed；　the　curtains　were　drawn　back　a　little；　Madame

Gaudin　was　in　a　deep　sleep；　I　thought；　when　I　saw　her　quiet；　sallow

profile　outlined　against　the　pillow。



〃　'You　are　in　trouble？'　Pauline　said；　dipping　her　brush　into　the

coloring。



〃　'It　is　in　your　power　to　do　me　a　great　service；　my　dear　child；'　I

answered。



〃The　gladness　in　her　eyes　frightened　me。



〃　'Is　it　possible　that　she　loves　me？'　I　thought。　'Pauline；'　I　began。　I

went　and　sat　near　to　her；　so　as　to　study　her。　My　tones　had　been　so

searching　that　she　read　my　thought；　her　eyes　fell；　and　I　scrutinized

her　face。　It　was　so　pure　and　frank　that　I　fancied　I　could　see　as

clearly　into　her　heart　as　into　my　own。



〃　'Do　you　love　me？'　I　asked。



〃　'A　little；passionatelynot　a　bit！'　she　cried。



〃Then　she　did　not　love　me。　Her　jesting　tones；　and　a　little　gleeful

movement　that　escaped　her；　expressed　nothing　beyond　a　girlish；　blithe

goodwill。　I　told　her　about　my　distress　and　the　predicament　in　which　I

found　myself；　and　asked　her　to　help　me。



〃　'You　do　not　wish　to　go　to　the　pawnbroker's　yourself；　M。　Raphael；'

she　answered；　'and　yet　you　would　send　me！'



〃I　blushed　in　confusion　at　the　child's　reasoning。　She　took　my　hand　in

hers　as　if　she　wanted　to　compensate　for　this　home…truth　by　her　light

touch　upon　it。



〃　'Oh；　I　would　willingly　go；'　she　said；　'but　it　is　not　necessary。　I

found　two　five…franc　pieces　at　the　back　of　the　piano；　that　had　slipped

without　your　knowledge　between　the　frame　and　the　keyboard；　and　I　laid

them　on　your　table。'



〃　'You　will　soon　be　coming　into　some　money；　M。　Raphael；'　said　the　kind

mother；　showing　her　face　between　the　curtains；　'and　I　can　easily　lend

you　a　few　crowns　meanwhile。'



〃　'Oh；　Pauline！'　I　cried；　as　I　pressed　her　hand；　'how　I　wish　that　I

were　rich！'



〃　'Bah！　why　should　you？'　she　said　petulantly。　Her　hand　shook　in　mine

with　the　throbbing　of　her　pulse；　she　snatched　it　away；　and　looked　at

both　of　mine。



〃　'You　will　marry　a　rich　wife；'　she　said；　'but　she　will　give　you　a

great　deal　of　trouble。　Ah；　Dieu！　she　will　be　your　death；I　am　sure　of

it。'



〃In　her　exclamation　there　was　something　like　belief　in　her　mother's

absurd　superstitions。



〃　'You　are　very　credulous；　Pauline！'



〃　'The　woman　whom　you　will　love　is　going　to　kill　youthere　is　no

doubt　of　it；'　she　said；　looking　at　me　with　alarm。



〃She　took　up　her　brush　again　and　dipped　it　in　the　color；　her　great

agitation　was　evident；　she　looked　at　me　no　longer。　I　was　ready　to　give

credence　just　then　to　superstitious　fancies；　no　man　is　utterly

wretched　so　long　as　he　is　superstitious；　a　belief　of　that　kind　is

often　in　reality　a　hope。



〃I　found　that　those　two　magnificent　five…franc　pieces　were　lying；　in

fact；　upon　my　table　when　I　reached　my　room。　During　the　first　confused

thoughts　of　early　slumber；　I　tried　to　audit　my　accounts　so　as　to

explain　this　unhoped…for　windfall；　but　I　lost　myself　in　useless

calculations；　and　slept。　Just　as　I　was　leaving　my　room　to　engage　a　box

the　next　morning；　Pauline　came　to　see　me。



〃　'Perhaps　your　ten　francs　is　not　enough；'　said　the　amiable；　kind…

hearted　girl；　'my　mother　told　me　to　offer　you　this　money。　Take　it；

please；　take　it！'



〃She　laid　three　crowns　upon　the　table；　and　tried　to　escape；　but　I

would　not　let　her　go。　Admiration　dried　the　tears　that　sprang　to　my

eyes。



〃　'You　are　an　angel；　Pauline；'　I　said。　'It　is　not　the　loan　that

touches　me　so　much　as　the　delicacy　with　which　it　is　offered。　I　used　to

wish　for　a　rich　wife；　a　fashionable　woman　of　rank；　and　now；　alas！　I

would　rather　possess　millions；　and　find　some　girl；　as　poor　as　you　are；

with　a　generous　nature　like　your　own；　and　I　would　renounce　a　fatal

passion　which　will　kill　me。　Perhaps　what　you　told　me　will　come　true。'



〃　'That　is　enough；'　she　said；　and　fled　away；　the　fresh　trills　of　her

birdlike　voice　rang　up　the　staircase。



〃　'She　is　very　happy　in　not　yet　knowing　love；'　I　said　to　myself；

thinking　of　the　torments　I　had　endured　for　many　months　past。



〃Pauline's　fifteen　francs　were　invaluable　to　me。　Foedora；　thinking　of

the　stifling　odor　of　the　crowded　place　where　we　were　to　spend　several

hours；　was　sorry　that　she　had　not　brought　a　bouquet；　I　went　in　search

of　flowers　for　her；　as　I　had　laid　already　my　life　and　my　fate　at　her

feet。　With　a　pleasure　in　which　compunction　mingled；　I　gave　her　a

bouquet。　I　learned　from　its　price　the　extravagance　of　superficial

gallantry　in　the　world。　But　very　soon　she　complained　of　the　heavy

scent　of　a　Mexican　jessamine。　The　interior　of　the　theatre；　the　bare

bench　on　which　she　was　to　sit；　filled　her　with　intolerable　disgust；

she　upbraided　me　for　bringing　her　there。　Although　she　sat　beside　me；

she　wished　to　go；　and　she　went。　I　had　spent　sleepless　nights；　and

squandered　two　months　of　my　life　for　her；　and　I　could　not　please　her。

Never　had　that　tormenting　spirit　been　more　unfeeling　or　more

fascinating。



〃I　sat　beside　her　in　the　cramped