the magic skin-第30节

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half　of　our　existence　nevertheless。　As　we　sat　together　before　a

crackling　fire；　on　silken　cushions　surrounded　by　the　most　desirable

creations　of　Oriental　luxury；　as　I　saw　this　woman　whose　famous　beauty

made　every　heart　beat；　so　close　to　me；　an　unapproachable　woman　who　was

talking　and　bringing　all　her　powers　of　coquetry　to　bear　upon　me；　then

my　blissful　pleasure　rose　almost　to　the　point　of　suffering。　To　my

vexation；　I　recollected　the　important　business　to　be　concluded；　I

determined　to　go　to　keep　the　appointment　made　for　me　for　this　evening。



〃　'So　soon？'　she　said；　seeing　me　take　my　hat。



〃She　loved　me；　then！　or　I　thought　so　at　least；　from　the　bland　tones　in

which　those　two　words　were　uttered。　I　would　then　have　bartered　a

couple　of　years　of　life　for　every　hour　she　chose　to　grant　to　me；　and

so　prolong　my　ecstasy。　My　happiness　was　increased　by　the　extent　of　the

money　I　sacrificed。　It　was　midnight　before　she　dismissed　me。　But　on

the　morrow；　for　all　that；　my　heroism　cost　me　a　good　many　remorseful

pangs；　I　was　afraid　the　affair　of　the　Memoirs；　now　of　such　importance

for　me；　might　have　fallen　through；　and　rushed　off　to　Rastignac。　We

found　the　nominal　author　of　my　future　labors　just　getting　up。



〃Finot　read　over　a　brief　agreement　to　me；　in　which　nothing　whatever

was　said　about　my　aunt；　and　when　it　had　been　signed　he　paid　me　down

fifty　crowns；　and　the　three　of　us　breakfasted　together。　I　had　only

thirty　francs　left　over；　when　I　had　paid　for　my　new　hat；　for　sixty

tickets　at　thirty　sous　each；　and　settled　my　debts；　but　for　some　days

to　come　the　difficulties　of　living　were　removed。　If　I　had　but　listened

to　Rastignac；　I　might　have　had　abundance　by　frankly　adopting　the

'English　system。'　He　really　wanted　to　establish　my　credit　by　setting

me　to　raise　loans；　on　the　theory　that　borrowing　is　the　basis　of

credit。　To　hear　him　talk；　the　future　was　the　largest　and　most　secure

kind　of　capital　in　the　world。　My　future　luck　was　hypothecated　for　the

benefit　of　my　creditors；　and　he　gave　my　custom　to　his　tailor；　an

artist；　and　a　young　man's　tailor；　who　was　to　leave　me　in　peace　until　I

married。



〃The　monastic　life　of　study　that　I　had　led　for　three　years　past　ended

on　this　day。　I　frequented　Foedora's　house　very　diligently；　and　tried

to　outshine　the　heroes　or　the　swaggerers　to　be　found　in　her　circle。

When　I　believed　that　I　had　left　poverty　for　ever　behind　me；　I　regained

my　freedom　of　mind；　humiliated　my　rivals；　and　was　looked　upon　as　a

very　attractive；　dazzling；　and　irresistible　sort　of　man。　But　acute

folk　used　to　say　with　regard　to　me；　'A　fellow　as　clever　as　that　will

keep　all　his　enthusiasms　in　his　brain；'　and　charitably　extolled　my

faculties　at　the　expense　of　my　feelings。　'Isn't　he　lucky；　not　to　be　in

love！'　they　exclaimed。　'If　he　were；　could　he　be　so　light…hearted　and

animated？'　Yet　in　Foedora's　presence　I　was　as　dull　as　love　could　make

me。　When　I　was　alone　with　her；　I　had　not　a　word　to　say；　or　if　I　did

speak；　I　renounced　love；　and　I　affected　gaiety　but　ill；　like　a

courtier　who　has　a　bitter　mortification　to　hide。　I　tried　in　every　way

to　make　myself　indispensable　in　her　life；　and　necessary　to　her　vanity

and　to　her　comfort；　I　was　a　plaything　at　her　pleasure；　a　slave　always

at　her　side。　And　when　I　had　frittered　away　the　day　in　this　way；　I　went

back　to　my　work　at　night；　securing　merely　two　or　three　hours'　sleep　in

the　early　morning。



〃But　I　had　not；　like　Rastignac；　the　'English　system'　at　my　finger…

ends；　and　I　very　soon　saw　myself　without　a　penny。　I　fell　at　once　into

that　precarious　way　of　life　which　industriously　hides　cold　and

miserable　depths　beneath　an　elusive　surface　of　luxury；　I　was　a　coxcomb

without　conquests；　a　penniless　fop；　a　nameless　gallant。　The　old

sufferings　were　renewed；　but　less　sharply；　no　doubt　I　was　growing　used

to　the　painful　crisis。　Very　often　my　sole　diet　consisted　of　the　scanty

provision　of　cakes　and　tea　that　is　offered　in　drawing…rooms；　or　one　of

the　countess'　great　dinners　must　sustain　me　for　two　whole　days。　I　used

all　my　time；　and　exerted　every　effort　and　all　my　powers　of

observation；　to　penetrate　the　impenetrable　character　of　Foedora。

Alternate　hope　and　despair　had　swayed　my　opinions；　for　me　she　was

sometimes　the　tenderest；　sometimes　the　most　unfeeling　of　women。　But

these　transitions　from　joy　to　sadness　became　unendurable；　I　sought　to

end　the　horrible　conflict　within　me　by　extinguishing　love。　By　the

light　of　warning　gleams　my　soul　sometimes　recognized　the　gulfs　that

lay　between　us。　The　countess　confirmed　all　my　fears；　I　had　never　yet

detected　any　tear　in　her　eyes；　an　affecting　scene　in　a　play　left　her

smiling　and　unmoved。　All　her　instincts　were　selfish；　she　could　not

divine　another's　joy　or　sorrow。　She　had　made　a　fool　of　me；　in　fact！



〃I　had　rejoiced　over　a　sacrifice　to　make　for　her；　and　almost

humiliated　myself　in　seeking　out　my　kinsman；　the　Duc　de　Navarreins；　a

selfish　man　who　was　ashamed　of　my　poverty；　and　had　injured　me　too

deeply　not　to　hate　me。　He　received　me　with　the　polite　coldness　that

makes　every　word　and　gesture　seem　an　insult；　he　looked　so　ill　at　ease

that　I　pitied　him。　I　blushed　for　this　pettiness　amid　grandeur；　and

penuriousness　surrounded　by　luxury。　He　began　to　talk　to　me　of　his

heavy　losses　in　the　three　per　cents；　and　then　I　told　him　the　object　of

my　visit。　The　change　in　his　manners；　hitherto　glacial；　which　now

gradually；　became　affectionate；　disgusted　me。



〃Well；　he　called　upon　the　countess；　and　completely　eclipsed　me　with

her。



〃On　him　Foedora　exercised　spells　and　witcheries　unheard　of；　she　drew

him　into　her　power；　and　arranged　her　whole　mysterious　business　with

him；　I　was　left　out；　I　heard　not　a　word　of　it；　she　had　made　a　tool　of

me！　She　did　not　seem　to　be　aware　of　my　existence　while　my　cousin　was

present；　she　received　me　less　cordially　perhaps　than　when　I　was　first

presented　to　her。　One　evening　she　chose　to　mortify　me　before　the　duke

by　a　look；　a　gesture；　that　it　is　useless　to　try　to　express　in　words。　I

went　away　with　tears　in　my　eyes；　planning　terrible　and　outrageous

schemes　of　vengeance　without　end。



〃I　often　used　to　go　with　her　to　the　theatre。　Love　utterly　absorbed　me

as　I　sat　beside　her；　as　I　looked　at　her　I　used　to　give　myself　up　to

the　pleasure　of　listening　to　the　music；　putting　all　my　soul　into　the

double　joy　of　love　and　of　hearing　every　emotion　of　my　heart　translated

into　musical　cadences。　It　was　my　passion　that　filled　the　air　and　the

stage；　that　was　triumphant　everywhere　but　with　my　mistress。　Then　I

would　take　Foedora's　hand。　I　used　to　scan　her　features　and　her　eyes；

imploring　of　them　some　indication　that　one　blended　feeling　possessed

us　both；　seeking　for　the　sudden　harmony　awakened　by　the　power　of

music；　which　makes　our　souls　vibrate　in　unison；　but　her　hand　was

passive；　her　eyes　said　nothing。



〃When　the　fire　that　burned　in　me　glowed　too　fiercely　from　the　face　I

turned　upon　her；　she　met　it　with　that　studied　smile　of　hers；　the

conventional　expression　that　sits　on　the　lips　of　every　portrait　in

every　exhibition。　She　was　not　listening　to　the　music。　The　divine　pages

of　Rossini；　Cimarosa；　or　Zingarelli　called　up　no　emotion；　gave　no

voice　to　any　poetry　in　her　life；　her　soul　was　a　desert。



〃Foedora　presented　herself　as　a　drama　before　a　drama。　Her　lorgnette

traveled　restlessly　over　the　boxes；　she　was　restless　too　beneath　the

apparent　calm；　fashion　tyrannized　over　her；　her　box；　her　bonnet；　her

carriage；　her　own　personality　absorbed　her　entirely。　My　merciless

knowledge　thoroughly　tore　away　all　my　illusions。　If　good　breeding

consists　in　self…forgetfulness　and　consideration　for　others；　in

constantly　showing　gentleness　in　voice　and　bearing；　in　pleasing

others；　and　in　making　them　content　in　themselves；　all　traces　of　her

plebeian　origin　were　not　yet　obliterated　in　Foedora；　in　spite　of　her

cleverness。　Her　self…forgetfulness　was　a　sham；　her　manners　were　not

innate　but　painfully　acquired；　her　politeness　was　rather　subservient。

And　yet　for　those　she　singled　out；　her　honeyed　words　expressed　natural

kindness；　her　pretentious　exaggeration　was　exalted　enthusiasm。　I　alone

had　scrutinized　her　grimacings；　and　stripped　away　the　thin　rind　that

sufficed　to　conceal　her　real　nature　from　the　world；　her　trickery　no

longer　deceived　me；　I　had　sounded　the　depths　of　that　feline　nature。　I

blushed　for　her　when　some　donkey　or　other　flattered　and　complimented

her。　And　yet　I　loved　her　through　it　all！　I　hoped　that　her　snows　would

melt　with　the　warmth　of　a　poet's　love。　If　I　could　only　have　made　her

feel　all　the　greatness　that　lies　in　devotion；　then　I　should　have　seen

her　perfected；　she　would　have　been　an　angel。　I　loved　her　as　a　man；　a

lover；　and　an　artist；　if　it　had　been　necessary　not　to　love　her　so　that

I　might　win　her；　some　cool…headed　coxcomb；　some　self…possessed

calculator　would　perhaps　have　had　an　advantage　over　me。　She　was　so

vain　and　sophisticated；　that　the　language　of　vanity　would　appeal　to

her；　she　would　have　allowed　herself