the magic skin-第26节

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that　they　might　have　married　me　even　if　they　had　found　me　the

penniless　girl　I　used　to　be。　Besides　these；　Monsieur　de　Valentin；　you

must　know　that　new　titles　and　newly…acquired　wealth　have　been　also

offered　to　me；　and　that　I　have　never　received　again　any　of　those　who

were　so　ill…advised　as　to　mention　love　to　me。　If　my　regard　for　you　was

but　slight；　I　would　not　give　you　this　warning；　which　is　dictated　by

friendship　rather　than　by　pride。　A　woman　lays　herself　open　to　a　rebuff

of　some　kind；　if　she　imagines　herself　to　be　loved；　and　declines；

before　it　is　uttered；　to　listen　to　language　which　in　its　nature

implies　a　compliment。　I　am　well　acquainted　with　the　parts　played　by

Arsinoe　and　Araminta；　and　with　the　sort　of　answer　I　might　look　for

under　such　circumstances；　but　I　hope　to…day　that　I　shall　not　find

myself　misconstrued　by　a　man　of　no　ordinary　character；　because　I　have

frankly　spoken　my　mind。'



〃She　spoke　with　the　cool　self…possession　of　some　attorney　or　solicitor

explaining　the　nature　of　a　contract　or　the　conduct　of　a　lawsuit　to　a

client。　There　was　not　the　least　sign　of　feeling　in　the　clear　soft

tones　of　her　voice。　Her　steady　face　and　dignified　bearing　seemed　to　me

now　full　of　diplomatic　reserve　and　coldness。　She　had　planned　this

scene；　no　doubt；　and　carefully　chosen　her　words　beforehand。　Oh；　my

friend；　there　are　women　who　take　pleasure　in　piercing　hearts；　and

deliberately　plunge　the　dagger　back　again　into　the　wound；　such　women

as　these　cannot　but　be　worshiped；　for　such　women　either　love　or　would

fain　be　loved。　A　day　comes　when　they　make　amends　for　all　the　pain　they

gave　us；　they　repay　us　for　the　pangs；　the　keenness　of　which　they

recognize；　in　joys　a　hundred…fold；　even　as　God；　they　tell　us；

recompenses　our　good　works。　Does　not　their　perversity　spring　from　the

strength　of　their　feelings？　But　to　be　so　tortured　by　a　woman；　who

slaughters　you　with　indifference！　was　not　the　suffering　hideous？



〃Foedora　did　not　know　it；　but　in　that　minute　she　trampled　all　my　hopes

beneath　her　feet；　she　maimed　my　life　and　she　blighted　my　future　with

the　cool　indifference　and　unconscious　barbarity　of　an　inquisitive

child　who　plucks　its　wings　from　a　butterfly。



〃　'Later　on；'　resumed　Foedora；　'you　will　learn；　I　hope；　the　stability

of　the　affection　that　I　keep　for　my　friends。　You　will　always　find　that

I　have　devotion　and　kindness　for　them。　I　would　give　my　life　to　serve

my　friends；　but　you　could　only　despise　me；　if　I　allowed　them　to　make

love　to　me　without　return。　That　is　enough。　You　are　the　only　man　to

whom　I　have　spoken　such　words　as　these　last。'



〃At　first　I　could　not　speak；　or　master　the　tempest　that　arose　within

me；　but　I　soon　repressed　my　emotions　in　the　depths　of　my　soul；　and

began　to　smile。



〃　'If　I　own　that　I　love　you；'　I　said；　'you　will　banish　me　at　once；　if

I　plead　guilty　to　indifference；　you　will　make　me　suffer　for　it。　Women；

magistrates；　and　priests　never　quite　lay　the　gown　aside。　Silence　is

non…committal；　be　pleased　then；　madame；　to　approve　my　silence。　You

must　have　feared；　in　some　degree；　to　lose　me；　or　I　should　not　have

received　this　friendly　admonition；　and　with　that　thought　my　pride

ought　to　be　satisfied。　Let　us　banish　all　personal　considerations。　You

are　perhaps　the　only　woman　with　whom　I　could　discuss　rationally　a

resolution　so　contrary　to　the　laws　of　nature。　Considered　with　regard

to　your　species；　you　are　a　prodigy。　Now　let　us　investigate；　in　good

faith；　the　causes　of　this　psychological　anomaly。　Does　there　exist　in

you；　as　in　many　women；　a　certain　pride　in　self；　a　love　of　your　own

loveliness；　a　refinement　of　egoism　which　makes　you　shudder　at　the　idea

of　belonging　to　another；　is　it　the　thought　of　resigning　your　own　will

and　submitting　to　a　superiority；　though　only　of　convention；　which

displeases　you？　You　would　seem　to　me　a　thousand　times　fairer　for　it。

Can　love　formerly　have　brought　you　suffering？　You　probably　set　some

value　on　your　dainty　figure　and　graceful　appearance；　and　may　perhaps

wish　to　avoid　the　disfigurements　of　maternity。　Is　not　this　one　of　your

strongest　reasons　for　refusing　a　too　importunate　love？　Some　natural

defect　perhaps　makes　you　insusceptible　in　spite　of　yourself？　Do　not　be

angry；　my　study；　my　inquiry　is　absolutely　dispassionate。　Some　are　born

blind；　and　nature　may　easily　have　formed　women　who　in　like　manner　are

blind；　deaf；　and　dumb　to　love。　You　are　really　an　interesting　subject

for　medical　investigation。　You　do　not　know　your　value。　You　feel

perhaps　a　very　legitimate　distaste　for　mankind；　in　that　I　quite　concur

to　me　they　all　seem　ugly　and　detestable。　And　you　are　right；'　I

added；　feeling　my　heart　swell　within　me；　'how　can　you　do　otherwise

than　despise　us？　There　is　not　a　man　living　who　is　worthy　of　you。'



〃I　will　not　repeat　all　the　biting　words　with　which　I　ridiculed　her。　In

vain；　my　bitterest　sarcasms　and　keenest　irony　never　made　her　wince　nor

elicited　a　sign　of　vexation。　She　heard　me；　with　the　customary　smile

upon　her　lips　and　in　her　eyes；　the　smile　that　she　wore　as　a　part　of

her　clothing；　and　that　never　varied　for　friends；　for　mere

acquaintances；　or　for　strangers。



〃　'Isn't　it　very　nice　of　me　to　allow　you　to　dissect　me　like　this？'　she

said　at　last；　as　I　came　to　a　temporary　standstill；　and　looked　at　her

in　silence。　'You　see；'　she　went　on；　laughing；　'that　I　have　no　foolish

over…sensitiveness　about　my　friendship。　Many　a　woman　would　shut　her

door　on　you　by　way　of　punishing　you　for　your　impertinence。'



〃　'You　could　banish　me　without　needing　to　give　me　the　reasons　for　your

harshness。'　As　I　spoke　I　felt　that　I　could　kill　her　if　she　dismissed

me。



〃　'You　are　mad；'　she　said；　smiling　still。



〃　'Did　you　never　think；'　I　went　on；　'of　the　effects　of　passionate

love？　A　desperate　man　has　often　murdered　his　mistress。'



〃　'It　is　better　to　die　than　to　live　in　misery；'　she　said　coolly。　'Such

a　man　as　that　would　run　through　his　wife's　money；　desert　her；　and

leave　her　at　last　in　utter　wretchedness。'



〃This　calm　calculation　dumfounded　me。　The　gulf　between　us　was　made

plain；　we　could　never　understand　each　other。



〃　'Good…bye；'　I　said　proudly。



〃　'Good…bye；　till　to…morrow；'　she　answered；　with　a　little　friendly

bow。



〃For　a　moment's　space　I　hurled　at　her　in　a　glance　all　the　love　I　must

forego；　she　stood　there　with　than　banal　smile　of　hers；　the　detestable

chill　smile　of　a　marble　statue；　with　none　of　the　warmth　in　it　that　it

seemed　to　express。　Can　you　form　any　idea；　my　friend；　of　the　pain　that

overcame　me　on　the　way　home　through　rain　and　snow；　across　a　league　of

icy…sheeted　quays；　without　a　hope　left？　Oh；　to　think　that　she　not　only

had　not　guessed　my　poverty；　but　believed　me　to　be　as　wealthy　as　she

was；　and　likewise　borne　as　softly　over　the　rough　ways　of　life！　What

failure　and　deceit！　It　was　no　mere　question　of　money　now；　but　of　the

fate　of　all　that　lay　within　me。



〃I　went　at　haphazard；　going　over　the　words　of　our　strange　conversation

with　myself。　I　got　so　thoroughly　lost　in　my　reflections　that　I　ended

by　doubts　as　to　the　actual　value　of　words　and　ideas。　But　I　loved　her

all　the　same；　I　loved　this　woman　with　the　untouched　heart　that　might

surrender　at　any　momenta　woman　who　daily　disappointed　the

expectations　of　the　previous　evening；　by　appearing　as　a　new　mistress

on　the　morrow。



〃As　I　passed　under　the　gateway　of　the　Institute；　a　fevered　thrill　ran

through　me。　I　remembered　that　I　was　fasting；　and　that　I　had　not　a

penny。　To　complete　the　measure　of　my　misfortune；　my　hat　was　spoiled　by

the　rain。　How　was　I　to　appear　in　the　drawing…room　of　a　woman　of

fashion　with　an　unpresentable　hat？　I　had　always　cursed　the　inane　and

stupid　custom　that　compels　us　to　exhibit　the　lining　of　our　hats；　and

to　keep　them　always　in　our　hands；　but　with　anxious　care　I　had　so　far

kept　mine　in　a　precarious　state　of　efficiency。　It　had　been　neither

strikingly　new；　nor　utterly　shabby；　neither　napless　nor　over…glossy；

and　might　have　passed　for　the　hat　of　a　frugally　given　owner；　but　its

artificially　prolonged　existence　had　now　reached　the　final　stage；　it

was　crumpled；　forlorn；　and　completely　ruined；　a　downright　rag；　a

fitting　emblem　of　its　master。　My　painfully　preserved　elegance　must

collapse　for　want　of　thirty　sous。



〃What　unrecognized　sacrifices　I　had　made　in　the　past　three　months　for

Foedora！　How　often　I　had　given　the　price　of　a　week's　sustenance　to　see

her　for　a　moment！　To　leave　my　work　and　go　without　food　was　the　least

of　it！　I　must　traverse　the　streets　of　Paris　without　getting　splashed；

run　to　escape　showers；　and　reach　her　rooms　at　last；　as　neat　and　spruce

as　any　of　the　coxcombs　about　her。　For　a　poet　and　a　distracted　wooer

the　difficulties　of　this　task　were　endless。　My　happiness；　the　course

of　my　love；　might　be　affected　by　a　speck　of　mud　upon　my　only　white

waistcoat！　Oh；　to　miss　the　sight　of　her　because　I　was　wet　through　and

bedraggled；　and　had　not　so　much　as　five　sous　to　give　to　a　shoeblack

for　removing　the　least　little　spot　of　mu