the magic skin-第17节

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confidence；　he　handed　me　his　keys　and　purse　to　keep。　Ten　paces　away

some　men　were　gambling。　I　heard　the　rattling　of　gold；　I　was　twenty

years　old；　I　longed　to　be　steeped　for　one　whole　day　in　the　follies　of

my　time　of　life。　It　was　a　license　of　the　imagination　that　would　find　a

parallel　neither　in　the　freaks　of　courtesans；　nor　in　the　dreams　of

young　girls。　For　a　year　past　I　had　beheld　myself　well　dressed；　in　a

carriage；　with　a　pretty　woman　by　my　side；　playing　the　great　lord；

dining　at　Very's；　deciding　not　to　go　back　home　till　the　morrow；　but

was　prepared　for　my　father　with　a　plot　more　intricate　than　the

Marriage　of　Figaro；　which　he　could　not　possibly　have　unraveled。　All

this　bliss　would　cost；　I　estimated；　fifty　crowns。　Was　it　not　the

artless　idea　of　playing　truant　that　still　had　charms　for　me？



〃I　went　into　a　small　adjoining　room；　and　when　alone　counted　my

father's　money　with　smarting　eyes　and　trembling　fingersa　hundred

crowns！　The　joys　of　my　escapade　rose　before　me　at　the　thought　of　the

amount；　joys　that　flitted　about　me　like　Macbeth's　witches　round　their

caldron；　joys　how　alluring！　how　thrilling！　how　delicious！　I　became　a

deliberate　rascal。　I　heeded　neither　my　tingling　ears　nor　the　violent

beating　of　my　heart；　but　took　out　two　twenty…franc　pieces　that　I　seem

to　see　yet。　The　dates　had　been　erased；　and　Bonaparte's　head　simpered

upon　them。　After　I　had　put　back　the　purse　in　my　pocket；　I　returned　to

the　gaming…table　with　the　two　pieces　of　gold　in　the　palms　of　my　damp

hands；　prowling　about　the　players　like　a　sparrow…hawk　round　a　coop　of

chickens。　Tormented　by　inexpressible　terror；　I　flung　a　sudden

clairvoyant　glance　round　me；　and　feeling　quite　sure　that　I　was　seen　by

none　of　my　acquaintance；　betted　on　a　stout；　jovial　little　man；　heaping

upon　his　head　more　prayers　and　vows　than　are　put　up　during　two　or

three　storms　at　sea。　Then；　with　an　intuitive　scoundrelism；　or

Machiavelism；　surprising　in　one　of　my　age；　I　went　and　stood　in　the

door；　and　looked　about　me　in　the　rooms；　though　I　saw　nothing；　for　both

mind　and　eyes　hovered　about　that　fateful　green　cloth。



〃That　evening　fixes　the　date　of　a　first　observation　of　a　physiological

kind；　to　it　I　owe　a　kind　of　insight　into　certain　mysteries　of　our

double　nature　that　I　have　since　been　enabled　to　penetrate。　I　had　my

back　turned　on　the　table　where　my　future　felicity　lay　at　stake；　a

felicity　but　so　much　the　more　intense　that　it　was　criminal。　Between　me

and　the　players　stood　a　wall　of　onlookers　some　five　feet　deep；　who

were　chatting；　the　murmur　of　voices　drowned　the　clinking　of　gold；

which　mingled　in　the　sounds　sent　up　by　this　orchestra；　yet；　despite

all　obstacles；　I　distinctly　heard　the　words　of　the　two　players　by　a

gift　accorded　to　the　passions；　which　enables　them　to　annihilate　time

and　space。　I　saw　the　points　they　made；　I　knew　which　of　the　two　turned

up　the　king　as　well　as　if　I　had　actually　seen　the　cards；　at　a　distance

of　ten　paces；　in　short；　the　fortunes　of　play　blanched　my　face。



〃My　father　suddenly　went　by；　and　then　I　knew　what　the　Scripture　meant

by　'The　Spirit　of　God　passed　before　his　face。'　I　had　won。　I　slipped

through　the　crowd　of　men　who　had　gathered　about　the　players　with　the

quickness　of　an　eel　escaping　through　a　broken　mesh　in　a　net。　My　nerves

thrilled　with　joy　instead　of　anguish。　I　felt　like　some　criminal　on　the

way　to　torture　released　by　a　chance　meeting　with　the　king。　It　happened

that　a　man　with　a　decoration　found　himself　short　by　forty　francs。

Uneasy　eyes　suspected　me；　I　turned　pale；　and　drops　of　perspiration

stood　on　my　forehead；　I　was　well　punished；　I　thought；　for　having

robbed　my　father。　Then　the　kind　little　stout　man　said；　in　a　voice　like

an　angel's　surely；　'All　these　gentlemen　have　paid　their　stakes；'　and

put　down　the　forty　francs　himself。　I　raised　my　head　in　triumph　upon

the　players。　After　I　had　returned　the　money　I　had　taken　from　it　to　my

father's　purse；　I　left　my　winnings　with　that　honest　and　worthy

gentleman；　who　continued　to　win。　As　soon　as　I　found　myself　possessed

of　a　hundred　and　sixty　francs；　I　wrapped　them　up　in　my　handkerchief；

so　that　they　could　neither　move　or　rattle　on　the　way　back；　and　I

played　no　more。



〃　'What　were　you　doing　at　the　card…table？'　said　my　father　as　we

stepped　into　the　carriage。



〃　'I　was　looking　on；'　I　answered；　trembling。



〃　'But　it　would　have　been　nothing　out　of　the　common　if　you　had　been

prompted　by　self…love　to　put　some　money　down　on　the　table。　In　the　eyes

of　men　of　the　world　you　are　quite　old　enough　to　assume　the　right　to

commit　such　follies。　So　I　should　have　pardoned　you；　Raphael；　if　you

had　made　use　of　my　purse。　。　。　。　。'



〃I　did　not　answer。　When　we　reached　home；　I　returned　the　keys　and　money

to　my　father。　As　he　entered　his　study；　he　emptied　out　his　purse　on　the

mantelpiece；　counted　the　money；　and　turned　to　me　with　a　kindly　look；

saying　with　more　or　less　long　and　significant　pauses　between　each

phrase：



〃　'My　boy；　you　are　very　nearly　twenty　now。　I　am　satisfied　with　you。

You　ought　to　have　an　allowance；　if　only　to　teach　you　how　to　lay　it

out；　and　to　gain　some　acquaintance　with　everyday　business。

Henceforward　I　shall　let　you　have　a　hundred　francs　each　month。　Here　is

your　first　quarter's　income　for　this　year；'　he　added；　fingering　a　pile

of　gold；　as　if　to　make　sure　that　the　amount　was　correct。　'Do　what　you

please　with　it。'



〃I　confess　that　I　was　ready　to　fling　myself　at　his　feet；　to　tell　him

that　I　was　a　thief；　a　scoundrel；　and；　worse　than　all；　a　liar！　But　a

feeling　of　shame　held　me　back。　I　went　up　to　him　for　an　embrace；　but　he

gently　pushed　me　away。



〃　'You　are　a　man　now；　MY　CHILD；'　he　said。　'What　I　have　just　done　was　a

very　proper　and　simple　thing；　for　which　there　is　no　need　to　thank　me。

If　I　have　any　claim　to　your　gratitude；　Raphael；'　he　went　on；　in　a　kind

but　dignified　way；　'it　is　because　I　have　preserved　your　youth　from　the

evils　that　destroy　young　men　in　Paris。　We　will　be　two　friends

henceforth。　In　a　year's　time　you　will　be　a　doctor　of　law。　Not　without

some　hardship　and　privations　you　have　acquired　the　sound　knowledge　and

the　love　of；　and　application　to；　work　that　is　indispensable　to　public

men。　You　must　learn　to　know　me；　Raphael。　I　do　not　want　to　make　either

an　advocate　or　a　notary　of　you；　but　a　statesman；　who　shall　be　the

pride　of　our　poor　house。　。　。　。　Good…night；'　he　added。



〃From　that　day　my　father　took　me　fully　into　confidence。　I　was　an　only

son；　and　ten　years　before；　I　had　lost　my　mother。　In　time　past　my

father；　the　head　of　a　historic　family　remembered　even　now　in　Auvergne；

had　come　to　Paris　to　fight　against　his　evil　star；　dissatisfied　at　the

prospect　of　tilling　the　soil；　with　his　useless　sword　by　his　side。　He

was　endowed　with　the　shrewdness　that　gives　the　men　of　the　south　of

France　a　certain　ascendency　when　energy　goes　with　it。　Almost　unaided；

he　made　a　position　for　himself　near　the　fountain　of　power。　The

revolution　brought　a　reverse　of　fortune；　but　he　had　managed　to　marry

an　heiress　of　good　family；　and；　in　the　time　of　the　Empire；　appeared　to

be　on　the　point　of　restoring　to　our　house　its　ancient　splendor。



〃The　Restoration；　while　it　brought　back　considerable　property　to　my

mother；　was　my　father's　ruin。　He　had　formerly　purchased　several

estates　abroad；　conferred　by　the　Emperor　on　his　generals；　and　now　for

ten　years　he　struggled　with　liquidators；　diplomatists；　and　Prussian

and　Bavarian　courts　of　law；　over　the　disputed　possession　of　these

unfortunate　endowments。　My　father　plunged　me　into　the　intricate

labyrinths　of　law　proceedings　on　which　our　future　depended。　We　might

be　compelled　to　return　the　rents；　as　well　as　the　proceeds　arising　from

sales　of　timber　made　during　the　years　1814　to　1817；　in　that　case　my

mother's　property　would　have　barely　saved　our　credit。　So　it　fell　out

that　the　day　on　which　my　father　in　a　fashion　emancipated　me；　brought

me　under　a　most　galling　yoke。　I　entered　on　a　conflict　like　a

battlefield；　I　must　work　day　and　night；　seek　interviews　with

statesmen；　surprise　their　convictions；　try　to　interest　them　in　our

affairs；　and　gain　them　over；　with　their　wives　and　servants；　and　their

very　dogs；　and　all　this　abominable　business　had　to　take　the　form　of

pretty　speeches　and　polite　attentions。　Then　I　knew　the　mortifications

that　had　left　their　blighting　traces　on　my　father's　face。　For　about　a

year　I　led　outwardly　the　life　of　a　man　of　the　world；　but　enormous

labors　lay　beneath　the　surface　of　gadding　about；　and　eager　efforts　to

attach　myself　to　influential　kinsmen；　or　to　people　likely　to　be　useful

to　us。　My　relaxations　were　lawsuits；　and　memorials　still　furnished　the

staple　of　my　conversation。　Hitherto　my　life　had　been　blameless；　from

the　sheer　impossibility　of　indulging　the　desires　of　youth；　but　now　I

became　my　own　master；　and　in　dread　of　involving　us　both　in　ruin　by

some　piece　of　negligence；　I　did　not　dare　to　allow　myself　any　pleasure

or　expenditure。



〃While　we　are　young；　and　before　the　world　has　rubbed　o