poor miss finch-第79节

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with　both。

To…day；　we　went　out　together　for　a　walk　on　the　cliffs。　What　a　delight　it
was　to　move　through　the　fresh　briny　air；　and　see　the　lovely　sights　on
every　side　of　me！　Oscar　enjoyed　it　too。　All　through　the　first　part　of　our
walk；　he　was　charming；　and　I　was　more　in　love　with　him　than　ever。　On　our
return；　a　little　incident　occurred　which　altered　him　for　the　worse；　and
which　made　my　spirits　sink　again。

It　happened　in　this　manner。

I　proposed　returning　by　the　sands。　Ramsgate　is　still　crowded　with
visitors；　and　the　animated　scene　on　the　beach　in　the　later　part　of　the
day　has　attractions　for　me；　after　my　blind　life；　which　it　does　not　（I
dare　say）　possess　for　people　who　have　always　enjoyed　the　use　of　their
eyes。　Oscar；　who　has　a　nervous　horror　of　crowds；　and　who　shrinks　from
contact　with　people　not　so　refined　as　himself；　was　surprised　at　my
wishing　to　mix　with　what　he　called　〃the　mob　on　the　sands。〃　However；　he
said　he　would　go；　if　I　particularly　wished　it。　I　did　particularly　wish
it。　So　we　went。

There　were　chairs　on　the　beach。　We　hired　two；　and　sat　down　to　look　about
us。

All　sorts　of　diversions　were　going　on。　Monkeys；　organs；　girls　on　stilts；
a　conjurer；　and　a　troop　of　negro　minstrels；　were　all　at　work　to　amuse　the
visitors。　I　thought　the　varied　color　and　bustling　enjoyment　of　the　crowd；
with　the　bright　blue　sea　beyond；　and　the　glorious　sunshine　overhead；
quite　delightfulI　declare　I　felt　as　if　two　eyes　were　not　half　enough　to
see　with！　A　nice　old　lady；　sitting　near；　entered　into　conversation　with
me；　hospitably　offering　me　biscuits　and　sherry　out　of　her　own　bag。　Oscar；
to　my　disappointment；　looked　quite　disgusted　with　all　of　us。　He　thought
my　nice　old　lady　vulgar；　and　he　called　the　company　on　the　beach　〃a　herd
of　snobs。〃　While　he　was　still　muttering　under　his　breath　about　the
〃mixture　of　low　people；〃　he　suddenly　cast　a　side…look　at　some　person　or
thingI　could　not　at　the　moment　tell　whichand；　rising；　placed　himself
so　as　to　intercept　my　view　of　the　promenade　on　the　sands　immediately
before　me。　I　happened　to　have　noticed；　at　the　same　moment；　a　lady
approaching　us　in　a　dress　of　a　peculiar　color；　and　I　pulled　Oscar　on　one
side；　to　look　at　her　as　she　passed　in　front　of　me。　〃Why　do　you　get　in　my
way？〃　I　asked。　Before　he　could　answer　the　question　the　lady　passed；　with
two　lovely　children；　and　with　a　tall　man　at　her　side。　My　eyes；　looking
first　at　the　lady　and　the　children；　found　their　way　next　to　the
gentlemanand　saw　repeated　in　his　face；　the　same　black…blue　complexion
which　had　startled　me　in　the　face　of　Oscar's　brother；　when　I　first　opened
my　eyes　at　the　rectory！　For　the　moment　I　felt　startled　againmore；　as　I
believe；　by　the　unexpected　repetition　of　the　blue　face　in　the　face　of　a
stranger；　than　by　the　ugliness　of　the　complexion　itself。　At　any　rate；　I
was　composed　enough　to　admire　the　lady's　dress；　and　the　beauty　of　the
children；　before　they　had　passed　beyond　my　range　of　view。　Oscar　spoke　to
me；　while　I　was　looking　at　them；　in　a　tone　of　reproach　for　which；　as　I
thought；　there　was　no　occasion　and　no　excuse。

〃I　tried　to　spare　you；〃　he　said。　〃You　have　yourself　to　thank；　if　that　man
has　frightened　you。〃

〃He　has　_not_　frightened　me；〃　I　answeredsharply　enough。

Oscar　looked　at　me　very　attentively；　and　sat　down　again；　without　saying　a
word　more。

The　good…humoured　old　woman；　on　my　other　side；　who　had　seen　and　heard　all
that　had　passed；　began　to　talk　of　the　gentleman　with　the　discolored　face；
and　of　the　lady　and　the　children　who　accompanied　him。　He　was　a　retired
Indian　officer；　she　said。　The　lady　was　his　wife；　and　the　two　beautiful
children　were　his　own　children。　〃It　seems　a　pity　that　such　a　handsome　man
should　be　disfigured　in　that　way；〃　my　new　acquaintance　remarked。　〃But
still；　it　don't　matter　much；　after　all。　There　he　is；　as　you　see；　with　a
fine　woman　for　a　wife；　and　with　two　lovely　children。　I　know　the　landlady
of　the　house　where　they　lodgeand　a　happier　family　you　couldn't　lay　your
hand　on　in　all　England。　That　is　my　friend's　account　of　them。　Even　a　blue
face　don't　seem　such　a　dreadful　misfortune；　when　you　look　at　it　in　that
lightdoes　it；　Miss？〃

I　entirely　agreed　with　the　old　lady。　Our　talk　seemed；　for　some
incomprehensible　reason；　to　irritate　Oscar。　He　got　up　again　impatiently；
and　looked　at　his　watch。

〃Your　aunt　will　be　wondering　what　has　become　of　us；〃　he　said。　〃Surely　you
have　had　enough　of　the　mob　on　the　sands；　by　this　time？〃

I　had　not　had　enough　of　it；　and　I　should　have　been　quite　content　to　have
made　one　of　the　mob　for　some　time　longer。　But　I　saw　that　Oscar　would　be
seriously　vexed　if　I　persisted　in　keeping　my　place。　So　I　took　leave　of　my
nice　old　lady；　and　left　the　pleasant　sandsnot　very　willingly。

He　said　nothing　more；　until　we　had　threaded　our　way　out　of　the　crowd。
Then　he　returned；　without　any　reason　for　it　that　I　could　discover；　to　the
subject　of　the　Indian　officer；　and　to　the　remembrance　which　the
stranger's　complexion　must　have　awakened　in　me　of　his　brother's　face。

〃I　don't　understand　your　telling　me　you　were　not　frightened　when　you　saw
that　man；〃　he　said。　〃You　were　terribly　frightened　by　my　brother；　when　you
saw　him。〃

〃I　was　terribly　frightened　by　my　own　imagination；　_before_　I　saw　him；〃　I
answered。　〃_After_　I　saw　him；　I　soon　got　over　it。〃

〃So　you　say！〃　he　rejoined。

There　is　something　excessively　provokingat　least　to　mein　being　told
to　my　face　that　I　have　said　something　which　is　not　worthy　of　belief。　It
was　not　a　very　becoming　act　on　my　part　（after　what　he　had　told　me　in　his
letter　about　his　brother's　infatuation）　to　mention　his　brother。　I　ought
not　to　have　done　it。　I　did　it；　for　all　that。

〃I　say　what　I　mean；〃　I　replied。　〃Before　I　knew　what　you　told　me　about
your　brother；　I　was　going　to　propose　to　you；　for　your　sake　and　for　his；
that　he　should　live　with　us　after　we　were　married。〃

Oscar　suddenly　stopped。　He　had　given　me　his　arm　to　lead　me　through　the
crowdhe　dropped　it　now。

〃You　say　that；　because　you　are　angry　with　me！〃　he　said。

I　denied　being　angry　with　him；　I　declared；　once　more；　that　I　was　only
speaking　the　truth。

〃You　really　mean；〃　he　went　on；　〃that　you　could　have　lived　comfortably
with　my　brother's　blue　face　before　you　every　hour　of　the　day？〃

〃Quite　comfortablyif　he　would　have　been　my　brother　too。〃　Oscar　pointed
to　the　house　in　which　my　aunt　and　I　are　livingwithin　a　few　yards　of　the
place　on　which　we　stood。

〃You　are　close　at　home；〃　he　said；　speaking　in　an　odd　muffled　voice；　with
his　eyes　on　the　ground。　〃I　want　a　longer　walk。　We　shall　meet　at
dinner…time。〃

He　left　mewithout　looking　up；　and　without　saying　a　word　more。

Jealous　of　his　brother！　There　is　something　unnatural；　something　degrading
in　such　jealousy　as　that。　I　am　ashamed　of　myself　for　thinking　it　of　him。
And　yet　what　else　could　his　conduct　mean？

＇Note。It　is　for　me　to　answer　that　question。　Give　the　miserable　wretch
his　due。　His　conduct　meant；　in　one　plain　wordremorse。　The　only　excuse
left　that　he　could　make　to　his　own　conscience　for　the　infamous　part　which
he　was　playing；　was　thisthat　his　brother's　personal　disfigurement
presented　a　fatal　obstacle　in　the　way　of　his　brother's　marriage。　And　now
Lucilla's　own　words；　Lucilla's　own　actions；　had　told　him　that　Oscar's
face　was　no　obstacle　to　her　seeing　Oscar　perpetually　in　the　familiar
intercourse　of　domestic　life。　The　torture　of　self…reproach　which　this
discovery　inflicted　on　him；　drove　him　out　of　her　presence。　His　own　lips
would　have　betrayed　him；　if　he　had　spoken　a　word　more　to　her　at　that
moment。　This　is　no　speculation　of　mine。　I　know　what　I　am　now　writing　to
be　the　truth。P。＇

It　is　night　again。　I　am　in　my　bed…roomtoo　nervous　and　too　anxious　to　go
to　rest　yet。　Let　me　employ　myself　in　finishing　this　private　record　of　the
events　of　the　day。

Oscar　came　a　little　before　dinner…time；　haggard　and　pale；　and　so　absent
in　mind　that　he　hardly　seemed　to　know　what　he　was　talking　about。　No
explanations　passed　between　us。　He　asked　my　pardon　for　the　hard　things　he
had　said；　and　the　ill…temper　he　had　shown；　earlier　in　the　day。　I　readily
accepted　his　excusesand　did　my　best　to　conceal　the　uneasiness　which　his
vacant；　pre…occupied　manner　caused　me。　All　the　time　he　was　speaking　to
me；　he　was　plainly　thinking　of　something　elsehe　was　more　unlike　the
Oscar　of　my　blind　remembrances　than　ever。　It　was　the　old　voice　talking　in
a　new　way：　I　can　only　describe　it　to　myself　in　those　terms。

As　for　his　manner；　I　know　it　used　to　be　always　more　or　less　quiet　and
retiring　in　the　old　days：　but　was　it　ever　so　hopelessly　subdued　and
depressed；　as　I　have　seen　it　to…day？　Useless　to　ask！　In　the　by…gone　time；
I　was　not　able　to　see　it。　My　past　judgment　of　him　and　my　present　judgment
of　him　have　been　arrived　at　by　such　totally　different　means；　that　it
seems　useless　to　compare　them。　Oh；　how　I　miss　Madame　Pratolungo！　What　a
relief；　what　a　consolation　it　would　have　been；　to　have　said　all　this　to
her；　and　to　have　heard　what　she　thought　of　it　in　return！

There　is；　however；　a　chance　of　my　finding　my　way　out　of　some　of　my
perplexities；　at　any　rateif　I　can　only　wait　till　tomorrow。

Oscar　seems　to　have　made　up　his　mind　at　last　to　enter　into　the
explanations　which　he　has　hitherto　withheld