poor miss finch-第77节

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had　all　the　beauty　of　land　and　sea；　all　the　glory　of　cloud　and　sunshine；
revealed　to　me？　Is　it　nothing　to　be　able　to　look　at　my
fellow…creaturesto　see　the　bright　faces　of　children　smile　at　me　when　I
speak　to　them？　Enough　of　myself！　I　am　unhappy　and　ungrateful　when　I　think
of　myself。

Let　me　write　about　Oscar。

My　aunt　approves　of　him。　She　thinks　him　handsome；　and　says　he　has　the
manners　of　a　gentleman。　This　last　is　high　praise　from　Miss　Batchford。　She
despises　the　present　generation　of　young　men。　〃In　my　time；〃　she　said　the
other　day；　〃I　used　to　see　young　gentlemen。　I　only　see　young　animals　now；
well…fed；　well…washed；　well…dressed；　riding　animals；　rowing　animals；
betting　animalsnothing　more。〃

Oscar；　on　his　side；　seems　to　like　Miss　Batchford　on　better　acquaintance。
When　I　first　presented　him　to　her；　he　rather　surprised　me　by　changing
color　and　looking　very　uneasy。　He　is　almost　distressingly　nervous；　on
certain　occasions。　I　suppose　my　aunt's　grand　manner　daunted　him。

＇Note。I　really　must　break　in　here。　Her　aunt's　〃grand　manner〃　makes　me
sick。　It　is　nothing　（between　ourselves）　but　a　hook…nose　and　a　stiff　pair
of　stays。　What　daunted　Nugent　Dubourg；　when　he　first　found　himself　in　the
old　lady's　presence；　was　the　fear　of　discovery。　He　would　no　doubt　have
learnt　from　his　brother　that　Oscar　and　Miss　Batchford　had　never　met。　You
will　see；　if　you　look　back；　that　it　was；　in　the　nature　of　things；
impossible　they　should　have　met。　But　is　it　equally　clear　that　Nugent
could　find　out　beforehand　that　Miss　Batchford　had　been　left　in　ignorance
of　what　had　happened　at　Dimchurch？　He　could　do　nothing　of　the　sorthe
could　feel　no　assurance　of　his　security　from　exposure；　until　he　had　tried
the　ground　in　his　own　proper　person　first。　The　risk　here　was　certainly
serious　enough　to　make　even　Nugent　Dubourg　feel　uneasy。　And　Lucilla　talks
of　her　aunt's　〃grand　manner！〃　Poor　innocent！　I　leave　her　to　go　on。P。＇

As　soon　as　my　aunt　left　us　together；　the　first　words　I　said　to　Oscar；
referred　（of　course）　to　his　letter　about　Madame　Pratolungo。

He　made　a　little　sign　of　entreaty；　and　looked　distressed。

〃Why　should　we　spoil　the　pleasure　of　our　first　meeting　by　talking　of
her？〃　he　said。　〃It　is　so　inexpressibly　painful　to　you　and　to　me。　Let　us
return　to　it　in　a　day　or　two。　Not　now；　Lucillanot　now！〃

His　brother　was　the　next　subject　in　my　mind。　I　was　not　at　all　sure　how　he
would　take　my　speaking　about　it。　I　risked　a　question　however；　for　all
that。　He　made　another　sign　of　entreaty；　and　looked　distressed　again。

〃My　brother　and　I　understand　each　other；　Lucilla。　He　will　remain　abroad
for　the　present。　Shall　we　drop　that　subject；　too？　Let　me　hear　your　own
newsI　want　to　know　what　is　going　on　at　the　rectory。　I　have　heard
nothing　since　you　wrote　me　word　that　you　were　here　with　your　aunt；　and
that　Madame　Pratolungo　had　gone　abroad　to　her　father。　Is　Mr。　Finch　well？
Is　he　coming　to　Ramsgate　to　see　you？〃

I　was　unwilling　to　tell　him　of　the　misunderstanding　at　home。　〃I　have　not
heard　from　my　father　since　I　have　been　here；〃　I　said。　〃Now　you　have　come
back；　I　can　write　and　announce　your　return；　and　get　all　the　news　from　the
rectory。〃

He　looked　at　me　rather　strangelyin　a　way　which　led　me　to　fear　that　he
saw　some　objection　to　my　writing　to　my　father。

〃I　suppose　you　would　like　Mr。　Finch　to　come　here？〃　he　saidand　then
stopped　suddenly；　and　looked　at　me　again。

〃There　is　very　little　chance　of　his　coming　here；〃　I　answered。

Oscar　seemed　to　be　wonderfully　interested　about　my　father。　〃Very　little
chance！〃　he　repeated。　〃Why？〃

I　was　obliged　to　refer　to　the　family　quarrelstill；　however；　saying
nothing　of　the　unjust　manner　in　which　my　father　had　spoken　of　my　aunt。

〃As　long　as　I　am　with　Miss　Batchford；〃　I　said；　〃it　is　useless　to　hope
that　my　father　will　come　here。　They　are　on　bad　terms；　and　I　am　afraid
there　is　no　prospect；　at　present；　of　their　being　friends　again。　Do　you
object　to　my　writing　home　to　say　you　have　come　to　Ramsgate？〃　I　asked。

〃I？〃　he　exclaimed；　looking　the　picture　of　astonishment。　〃What　could
possibly　make　you　think　that？　Write　by　all　meansand　leave　a　little
space　for　me。　I　will　add　a　few　lines　to　your　letter。〃

It　is　impossible　to　say　how　his　answer　relieved　me。　It　was　quite　plain
that　I　had　stupidly　misinterpreted　him。　Oh；　my　new　eyes！　my　new　eyes！
shall　I　ever　be　able　to　depend　on　you　as　I　could　once　depend　on　my　touch？

＇Note。I　must　intrude　myself　again。　I　shall　burst　with　indignation　while
I　am　copying　the　journal；　if　I　don't　relieve　my　mind　at　certain　places　in
it。　Remark；　before　you　go　any　farther；　how　skillfully　Nugent　contrives　to
ascertain　his　exact　position　at　Ramsgateand　see　with　what　a　fatal
unanimity　all　the　chances　of　his　personating　Oscar；　without　discovery；
declare　themselves　in　his　favor！　Miss　Batchford；　as　you　have　seen；　is
entirely　at　his　mercy。　She　not　only　knows　nothing　herself；　but　she
operates　as　a　check　on　Mr。　Finchwho　would　otherwise　have　joined　his
daughter　at　Ramsgate；　and　have　instantly　exposed　the　conspiracy。　On　every
side　of　him；　Nugent　is；　to　all　appearance；　safe。　I　am　away　in　one
direction。　Oscar　is　away　in　another。　Mrs。　Finch　is　anchored　immovably　in
her　nursery。　Zillah　has　been　sent　back　from　London　to　the　rectory。　The
Dimchurch　doctor　（who　attended　Oscar；　and　who　might　have　proved　an
awkward　witness）　is　settled　in　Indiaas　you　will　see；　if　you　refer　to
the　twenty…second　chapter。　The　London　doctor　with　whom　he　consulted　has
long　since　ceased　to　have　any　relations　with　his　former　patient。　As　for
Herr　Grosse；　if　he　appears　on　the　scene；　he　can　be　trusted　to　shut　his
eyes　professionally　to　all　that　is　going　on；　and　to　let　matters　take
their　course　in　the　only　interest　he　recognizesthe　interest　of
Lucilla's　health。　There　is　literally　no　obstacle　in　Nugent's　wayand　no
sort　of　protection　for　Lucilla；　except　in　the　faithful　instinct　which
persists　in　warning　her　that　this　is　the　wrong　manthough　it　speaks　in
an　unknown　tongue。　Will　she　end　in　understanding　the　warning　before　it　is
too　late？　My　friend；　this　note　is　intended　to　relieve　my　mindnot　yours。
All　you　have　to　do　is　to　read　on。　Here　is　the　journal。　I　won't　stand
another　moment　in　your　way。P。＇

_September_　2nd。A　rainy　day。　Very　little　said　that　is　worth　recording
between　Oscar　and　me。

My　aunt；　whose　spirits　are　always　affected　by　bad　weather；　kept　me　a　long
time　in　her　sitting…room；　amusing　herself　by　making　me　exercise　my　sight。
Oscar　was　present　by　special　invitation；　and　assisted　the　old　lady　in
setting　this　new　seeing…sense　of　mine　all　sorts　of　tasks。　He　tried　hard
to　prevail　on　me　to　let　him　see　my　writing。　I　refused。　It　is　improving　as
fast　as　it　can；　but　it　is　not　good　enough　yet。

I　notice　here　what　a　dreadfully　difficult　thing　it　is　to　get　backin
such　a　case　as　mineto　the　exercise　of　one's　sight。

We　have　a　cat　and　a　dog　in　the　house。　Would　it　be　credited；　if　I　was
telling　it　to　the　world　instead　of　telling　it　to　my　Journal；　that　I
actually　mistook　one　for　the　other　to…day？after　seeing　so　well；　too；　as
I　do　now；　and　being　able　to　write　with　so　few　false　strokes　in　making　my
letters！　It　is　nevertheless　true　that　I　did　mistake　the　two　animals；
having　trusted　to　nothing　but　my　memory　to　inform　my　eyes　which　was
which；　instead　of　helping　my　memory　by　my　touch。　I　have　now　set　this
right。　I　caught　up　puss；　and　shut　my　eyes　（oh；　that　habit！　when　shall　I
get　over　it？）　and　felt　her　soft　fur　（so　different　from　a　dog's　hair！）　and
opened　my　eyes　again；　and　associated　the　feel　of　the　fur　for　ever
afterwards　with　the　sight　of　a　cat。

To…day's　experience　has　also　informed　me　that　I　make　slow　progress　in
teaching　myself　to　judge　correctly　of　distances。

In　spite　of　this　drawback；　however；　there　is　nothing　I　enjoy　so　much　in
using　my　sight　as　looking　at　a　great　wide　prospect　of　any　kindprovided
I　am　not　asked　to　judge　how　far　or　how　near　objects　may　be。　It　seems　like
escaping　out　of　prison；　to　look　（after　having　been　shut　up　in　my
blindness）　at　the　view　over　the　town；　and　the　bold　promontory　of　the
pier；　and　the　grand　sweep　of　the　sea　beyondall　visible　from　our
windows。

The　moment　my　aunt　begins　to　question　me　about　distances；　she　makes　a
toil　of　my　pleasure。　It　is　worse　still　when　I　am　asked　about　the　relative
sizes　of　ships　and　boats。　When　I　see　nothing　but　a　boat；　I　fancy　it
larger　than　it　is。　When　I　see　the　boat　in　comparison　with　a　ship；　and
then　look　back　at　the　boat；　I　instantly　go　to　the　other　extreme；　and
fancy　it　smaller　than　it　is。　The　setting　this　right　still　vexes　me　almost
as　keenly　as　my　stupidity　vexed　me　some　time　since；　when　I　saw　my　first
horse　and　cart　from　an　upper　window；　and　took　it　for　a　dog　drawing　a
wheelbarrow！　Let　me　add　in　my　own　defence　that　both　horse　and　cart　were
figured　at　least　five　times　their　proper　size　in　my　blind　fancy；　which
makes　my　mistake；　I　think；　not　so　very　stupid　after　all。

Well；　I　amused　my　aunt。　And　what　effect　did　I　produce　on　Oscar？

If　I　could　trust　my　eyes；　I　should　say　I　produced　exactly　the　contrary
effect　on　_him_I　made　him　melancholy。　But　I　don't　trust　my　eyes。　They
must　be　deceiving　me　when　they　tell　me　that　he　looked；　in　my　company；　a
moping；　anxious；　miserable　man。

Or　is　it；　that　he　sees