poor miss finch-第75节

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deck；　accepting　any　inconvenience　rather　than　descend　into　the　atmosphere
of　the　cabin。　As　I　looked　out　to　sea　on　one　side　and　on　the　other；　the
dark　waste　of　tossing　waters　seemed　to　be　the　fit　and　dreary　type　of　the
dark　prospect　that　was　before　me。　On　the　trackless　path　that　we　were
ploughing；　a　faint　misty　moonlight　shed　its　doubtful　ray。　Like　the
doubtful　light　of　hope；　faintly　flickering　on　my　mind　when　I　thought　of
the　coming　time！

CHAPTER　THE　FORTY…SECOND

The　Story　of　Lucilla：　told　by　Herself

IN　my　description　of　what　Lucilla　said　and　did；　on　the　occasion　when　the
surgeon　was　teaching　her　to　use　her　sight；　it　will　be　remembered　that　she
is　represented　as　having　been　particularly　anxious　to　be　allowed　to　try
how　she　could　write。

The　motive　at　the　bottom　of　this　was　the　motive　which　is　always　at　the
bottom　of　a　woman's　conduct　when　she　loves。　Her　one　ambition　is　to
present　herself　to　advantage；　even　in　the　most　trifling　matters；　before
the　man　on　whom　her　heart　is　fixed。　Lucilla's　one　ambition　with　Oscar；
was　this　and　no　more。

Conscious　that　her　handwritingthus　far；　painfully　and　incompletely
guided　by　her　sense　of　touchmust　present　itself　in　sadly　unfavorable
contrast　to　the　handwriting　of　other　women　who　could　see；　she　persisted
in　petitioning　Grosse　to　permit　her　to　learn　to　〃write　with　her　eyes
instead　of　her　finger；〃　until　she　fairly　wearied　out　the　worthy　German's
power　of　resistance。　The　rapid　improvement　in　her　sight；　after　her
removal　to　the　sea…side；　justified　him　（as　I　was　afterwards　informed）　in
letting　her　have　her　way。　Little　by　little；　using　her　eyes　for　a　longer
and　longer　time　on　each　succeeding　day；　she　mastered　the　serious
difficulty　of　teaching　herself　to　write　by　sight　instead　of　by　touch。
Beginning　with　lines　in　copybooks；　she　got　on　to　writing　easy　words　to
dictation。　From　that　again；　she　advanced　to　writing　notes；　and　from
writing　notes　to　keeping　a　journalthis　last；　at　the　suggestion　of　her
aunt；　who　had　lived　in　the　days　before　penny　postage；　when　people　kept
journals；　and　wrote　long　lettersin　short；　when　people　had　time　to　think
of　themselves；　and；　more　wonderful　still；　to　write　about　it　too。

Lucilla's　Journal　at　Ramsgate　lies　before　me　as　I　trace　these　lines。

I　had　planned　at　first　to　make　use　of　it；　so　as　to　continue　the　course　of
my　narrative　without　a　check；　still　writing　in　my　own　personas　I　have
written　thus　far；　and　as　I　propose　to　write　again；　at　the　time　when　I
reappear　on　the　scene。

But　on　thinking　over　it　once　more；　and　after　reading　the　Journal　again；
it　strikes　me　as　the　wiser　proceeding　to　let　Lucilla　tell　the　story　of
her　life　at　Ramsgate；　herself：　adding　notes　of　my　own　occasionally；　where
they　appear　to　be　required。　Variety；　freshness；　and　realityI　believe　I
shall　secure　them　all　three　by　following　this　plan。　Why　is　History　in
general　（I　know　there　are　brilliant　exceptions　to　the　rule）　such　dull
reading？　Because　it　is　the　narrative　of　events；　written　at　second　hand。
Now　I　will　be　anything　else　you　please；　except　dull。　You　may　say　I　have
been　dull　already？　As　I　am　an　honest　woman；　I　don't　agree　with　you。　There
are　some　people　who　bring　dull　minds　to　their　readingand　then　blame　the
writer　for　it。　I　say　no　more。

Consider　it　as　arranged；　then。　During　my　absence　on　the　Continent；
Lucilla　shall　tell　the　story　of　events　at　Ramsgate。　（And　I　will　sprinkle
a　few　notes　over　it；　here　and　there；　signed　P。）


　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Lucilla's　Journal

_East　Cliff　Ramsgate；　August_　28th。A　fortnight　to…day　since　my　aunt　and
I　arrived　at　this　place。　I　sent　Zillah　back　to　the　rectory　from　London。
Her　rheumatic　infirmities　trouble　her　tenfold；　poor　old　soul；　in　the
moist　air　of　the　seaside。

How　has　my　writing　got　on　for　the　last　week？　I　am　becoming　a　little
better　satisfied　with　it。　I　use　my　pen　more　easily；　my　hand　is　less　like
the　hand　of　a　backward　child　than　it　was。　I　shall　be　able　to　write　as
well　as　other　ladies　do　when　I　am　Oscar's　wife。

＇Note。She　is　easily　satisfied；　poor　dear。　Her　improved　handwriting　is
sadly　crooked。　Some　of　the　letters　embrace　each　other　at　close　quarters
like　dear　friends；　and　some　start　asunder　like　bitter　enemies。　This　is
not　to　reflect　on　Lucillabut　to　excuse　myself；　if　I　make　any　mistakes
in　transcribing　the　Journal。　Now　let　her　go　on。P。＇

Oscar's　wife！　when　shall　I　be　Oscar's　wife？　I　have　not　so　much　as　seen
him　yet。　SomethingI　am　afraid　a　difficulty　with　his　brotherstill
keeps　him　on　the　Continent。　The　tone　in　which　he　writes　continues　to　have
a　certain　reserve　in　it　which　disquiets　and　puzzles　me。　Am　I　quite　as
happy　as　I　expected　to　be　when　I　recovered　my　sight？　Not　yet！

It　is　not　Oscar's　fault；　if　I　am　out　of　spirits　every　now　and　then。　It　is
my　own　fault。　I　have　offended　my　father；　and　I　sometimes　fear　I　have　not
acted　justly　towards　Madame　Pratolungo。　These　things　vex　me。

It　seems　to　be　my　fate　to　be　always　misunderstood。　My　sudden　flight　from
the　rectory　meant　no　disrespect　to　my　father。　I　left　as　I　did；　because　I
was　quite　incapable　of　facing　the　woman　whom　I　had　once　dearly
lovedthinking　of　her　as　I　think　now。　It　is　so　unendurable　to　feel　that
your　confidence　is　lost　in　a　person　whom　you　once　trusted　without　limit；
and　to　go　on　meeting　that　person　every　hour　in　the　day　with　a　smooth
face；　as　if　nothing　had　happened！　The　impulse　to　escape　more　meetings
（when　I　discovered　that　she　had　left　the　house　for　a　walk）　was
irresistible。　I　should　do　it　again；　if　I　was　in　the　same　position　again。
I　have　hinted　at　this　in　writing　to　my　father；　telling　him　that　something
unpleasant　had　happened　between　Madame　Pratolungo　and　me；　and　that　I　went
away　so　suddenly；　on　that　account　alone。　No　use！　He　has　not　answered　my
letter。　I　have　written　since　to　my　step…mother。　Mrs。　Finch's　reply　has
informed　me　of　the　unjust　manner　in　which　he　speaks　of　my　aunt。　Without
the　slightest　reason　for　it；　he　is　even　more　deeply　offended　with　Miss
Batchford　than　he　is　with　me！

Sad　as　this　estrangement　is；　there　is　one　consolationso　far　as　I　am
concerned；　it　will　not　last。　My　father　and　I　are　sure；　sooner　or　later；
to　come　to　an　understanding　together。　When　I　return　to　the　rectory；　I
shall　make　my　peace　with　him；　and　we　shall　get　on　again　as　smoothly　as
ever。

But　how　will　it　end　between　Madame　Pratolungo　and　me？

She　has　not　answered　the　letter　I　wrote　to　her。　（I　begin　to　wish　I　had
never　written　it；　or　at　least　some　of　itthe　latter　part　I　mean。）　I　have
heard　absolutely　nothing　of　her　since　she　has　been　abroad。　I　don't　know
when　she　will　returnor　if　she　will　ever　return；　to　live　at　Dimchurch
again。　Oh；　what　would　I　not　give　to　have　this　dreadful　mystery　cleared
up！　to　know　whether　I　ought　to　fall　down　on　my　knees　before　her　and　beg
her　pardon？　or　whether　I　ought　to　count　among　the　saddest　days　of　my　life
the　day　which　brought　that　woman　to　live　with　me　as　companion　and　friend？

Have　I　acted　rashly？　or　have　I　acted　wisely？

There　is　the　question　which　always　comes　to　me　and　torments　me；　when　I
wake　in　the　night。　Let　me　look　again　（for　the　fiftieth　time　at　least）　at
Oscar's　letter。

＇Note。I　copy　the　letter。　Other　eyes　than　hers　ought　to　see　it　in　this
place。　It　is　Nugent；　of　course；　who　here　writes　in　Oscar's　character　and
in　Oscar's　name。　You　will　observe　that　his　good　resolutions；　when　he　left
me；　held　out　as　far　as　Parisand　then　gave　way　as　follows。P。＇

〃MY　OWN　DEAREST；I　have　reached　Paris；　and　have　found　my　first
opportunity　of　writing　to　you　since　I　left　Browndown。　Madame　Pratolungo
has　no　doubt　told　you　that　a　sudden　necessity　has　called　me　to　my
brother。　I　have　not　yet　reached　the　place　at　which　I　am　to　meet　him。
Before　I　meet　him；　let　me　tell　you　what　the　necessity　which　has　parted　us
really　is。　Madame　Pratolungo　no　longer　possesses　my　confidence。　When　you
have　read　on　a　little　farther；　she　will　no　longer　possess　yours。

〃Alas；　my　love；　I　must　amaze　you；　shock　you；　grieve　youI　who　would　lay
down　my　life　for　your　happiness！　Let　me　write　it　in　the　fewest　words。　I
have　made　a　terrible　discovery。　Lucilla！　you　have　trusted　Madame
Pratolungo　as　your　friend。　Trust　her　no　longer。　She　is　your　enemy；　and
mine。

〃I　suspected　her　some　time　since。　My　worst　suspicions　have　been
confirmed。

〃Long　ere　this；　I　ought　to　have　told　you；　what　I　tell　you　now。　But　I
shrink　from　distressing　you。　To　see　a　sad　look　on　your　dear　face　breaks
my　heart。　It　is　only　when　I　am　away　from　youwhen　I　fear　the
consequences　if　you　are　not　warned　of　your　dangerthat　I　can　summon　the
courage　to　tear　off　the　mask　from　that　woman's　false　face；　and　show　her
to　you　as　she　really　is。　It　is　impossible　for　me　to　enter　into　details　in
the　space　of　a　letter；　I　reserve　all　particulars　until　we　meet　again；　and
until　I　can　produce；　what　you　have　a　right　to　ask　forproof　that　I　am
speaking　the　truth。

〃In　the　meanwhile；　I　beg　you　to　look　back　into　your　own　thoughts；　to
recall　your　own　words；　on　the　day　when　Madame　Pratolungo　offended　you　in
the　rectory　garden。　On　that　occasion；　the　truth　escaped　the　Frenchwoman's
lipsand　she　knew　it！

〃Do　you　remember　what　you　said；　after　she　had　followed　you　to　Browndown？
I　mean；　after　she　had　declared　that　you　would　have　fallen　in　love　wit