poor miss finch-第66节

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Nugent；　to　win　back　my　old　regard　for　you。〃

〃Is　it？〃　he　answered　scornfully。　〃I　know　better　than　that。　You　are　not
talking　to　Oscar　nowyou　are　talking　to　a　man　who　has　had　some
experience　of　women。　I　know　how　you　all　hold　to　your　opinions　because
they　are　your　opinionswithout　asking　yourselves　whether　they　are　right
or　wrong。　There　are　men　who　could　understand　me　and　pity　me。　No　woman　can
do　it。　The　best　and　cleverest　among　you　don't　know　what　love　isas　a　man
feels　it。　It　isn't　the　frenzy　with　You　that　it　is　with　Us。　It
acknowledges　restraints　in　a　womanit　bursts　through　everything　in　a
man。　It　robs　him　of　his　intelligence；　his　honor；　his　self…respectit
levels　him　with　the　brutesit　debases　him　into　idiocyit　lashes　him
into　madness。　I　tell　you　I　am　not　accountable　for　my　own　actions。　The
kindest　thing　you　could　do　for　me　would　be　to　shut　me　up　in　a　madhouse。
The　best　thing　I　could　do　for　myself　would　be　to　cut　my　throat。Oh；　yes！
this　is　a　shocking　way　of　talking；　isn't　it？　I　ought　to　struggle　against
itas　you　say。　I　ought　to　summon　my　self…control。　Ha！　ha！　ha！　Here　is　a
clever　womanhere　is　an　experienced　woman。　And　yetthough　she　has　seen
me　in　Lucilla's　company　hundreds　of　timesshe　has　never　once　discovered
the　signs　of　a　struggle　in　me！　From　the　moment　when　I　first　saw　that
heavenly　creature；　it　has　been　one　long　fight　against　myself；　one
infernal　torment　of　shame　and　remorse；　and　this　clever　friend　of　mine　has
observed　so　little　and　knows　so　little；　that　she　can　only　view　my　conduct
in　one　lightit　is　the　conduct　of　a　coward　and　a　villain！〃

He　got　up；　and　took　a　turn　in　the　room。　I　wasnaturally；　I　thinka
little　irritated　by　his　way　of　putting　it。　A　man　assuming　to　know　more
about　love　than　a　woman！　Was　there　ever　such　a　monstrous　perversion　of
the　truth　as　that？　I　appeal　to　the　women！

〃You　ought　to　be　the　last　person　to　blame　me；〃　I　said。　〃I　had　too　high　an
opinion　of　you　to　suspect　what　was　going　on。　I　will　never　make　the　same
mistake　againI　promise　you　that！〃

He　came　back；　and　stood　still　in　front　of　me；　looking　me　hard　in　the
face。

〃Do　you　really　mean　to　say　you　saw　nothing　to　set　you　thinking；　on　the
day　when　I　first　met　her？〃　he　asked。　〃You　were　there　in　the　roomdidn't
you　see　that　she　struck　me　dumb？　Did　you　notice　nothing　suspicious　at　a
later　time？　When　I　was　suffering　martyrdom；　if　I　only　looked　at　herwas
there　nothing　to　be　seen　in　me　which　told　its　own　tale？〃

〃I　noticed　that　you　were　never　at　your　ease　with　her；〃　I　replied。　〃But　I
liked　you　and　trusted　youand　I　failed　to　understand　it。　That's　all。〃

〃Did　you　fail　to　understand　everything　that　followed？　Didn't　I　speak　to
her　father？　Didn't　I　try　to　hasten　Oscar's　marriage？〃

It　was　true。　He　_had_　tried。

〃When　we　first　talked　of　his　telling　Lucilla　of　the　discoloration　of　his
face；　did　I　not　agree　with　you　that　he　ought　to　put　himself　right　with
her；　in　his　own　interests？〃

True　again。　Impossible　to　deny　that　he　had　sided　with　my　view。

〃When　she　all　but　found　it　out　for　herself；　whose　influence　was　used　to
make　him　own　it？　Mine！　What　did　I　do；　when　he　tried　to　confess　it；　and
failed　to　make　her　understand　him？　what　did　I　do　when　she　first　committed
the　mistake　of　believing　_me_　to　be　the　disfigured　man？〃

The　audacity　of　that　last　question　fairly　took　away　my　breath。　〃You
cruelly　helped　to　deceive　her；〃　I　answered　indignantly。　〃You　basely
encouraged　your　brother　in　his　fatal　policy　of　silence。〃

He　looked　at　me　with　an　angry　amazement　on　his　side　which　more　than
equaled　the　angry　amazement　on　mine。

〃So　much　for　the　delicate　perception　of　a　woman！〃　he　exclaimed。　〃So　much
for　the　wonderful　tact　which　is　the　peculiar　gift　of　the　sex！　You　can　see
no　motive　but　a　bad　motive　in　my　sacrificing　myself　for　Oscar's　sake？〃

I　began　to　discern　faintly　that　there　might　have　been　another　than　a　bad
motive　for　his　conduct。　Butwell！　I　dare　say　I　was　wrong；　I　resented　the
tone　he　was　taking　with　me；　I　would　have　owned　I　had　made　a　mistake　to
anybody　else　in　the　world；　I　wouldn't　own　it　to　_him。_　There！

〃Look　back　for　one　moment；〃　he　resumed；　in　quieter　and　gentler　tones。
〃See　how　hardly　you　have　judged　me！　I　seized　the　opportunityI　swear　to
you　this　is　trueI　seized　the　opportunity　of　making　myself　an　object　of
horror　to　her；　the　moment　I　heard　of　the　mistake　that　she　had　made。　I
felt　in　myself　that　I　was　growing　less　and　less　capable　of　avoiding　her；
and　I　caught　at　the　chance　of　making　_her_　avoid　_me；_　I　did　thatand　I
did　more！　I　entreated　Oscar　to　let　me　leave　Dimchurch。　He　appealed　to　me；
in　the　name　of　our　love　for　each　other；　to　remain。　I　couldn't　resist　him。
Where　do　you　see　signs　of　the　conduct　of　a　scoundrel　in　all　this？　Would　a
scoundrel　have　betrayed　himself　to　you　a　dozen　times　overas　I　did　in
that　talk　of　ours　in　the　summer…house？　I　remember　saying　in　so　many
words；　I　wished　I　had　never　come　to　Dimchurch。　What　reason　but　one　could
there　be　for　my　saying　that？　How　is　it　that　you　never　even　asked　me　what
I　meant？〃

　〃You　forget；〃　I　interposed；　〃that　I　had　no　opportunity　of　asking　you。
Lucilla　interrupted　us；　and　diverted　my　attention　to　other　things。　What
do　you　mean　by　putting　me　on　my　defence　in　this　way？〃　I　went　on；　more　and
more　irritated　by　the　tone　he　was　taking　with　me。　〃What　right　have　you　to
judge　my　conduct？〃

　He　looked　at　me　with　a　kind　of　vacant　surprise。

　〃_Have_　I　been　judging　your　conduct？〃　he　asked。

　〃Yes。〃

　〃Perhaps　I　was　thinking；　if　you　had　seen　my　infatuation　in　time　you
might　have　checked　it　in　time。　No！〃　he　exclaimed；　before　I　could　answer
him。　〃Nothing　could　have　checked　itnothing　will　cure　it　but　my　death。
Let　us　try　to　agree。　I　beg　your　pardon　if　I　have　offended　you。　I　am
willing　to　take　a　just　view　of　your　conduct。　Will　you　take　a　just　view　of
mine？〃

　I　tried　hard　to　take　a　just　view。　Though　I　resented　his　manner　of
speaking　to　me；　I　nevertheless　secretly　felt　for　him；　as　I　have
confessed。　Still　I　could　not　forget　that　he　had　attempted　to　attract　to
himself　Lucilla's　first　look；　on　the　day　when　she　tried　her　sightthat
he　had　personated　his　brother　to　Lucilla　that　very　morningthat　he　had
suffered　his　brother　to　go　away　heart…broken；　a　voluntary　exile　from　all
that　he　held　dear。　No！　I　could　feel　for　him；　but　I　could　_not_　take　a
just　view　of　him。　I　sat　down；　and　said　nothing。

He　returned　to　the　question　between　us；　treating　me　with　the　needful
politeness；　when　he　spoke　next。　For　all　that；　he　alarmed　me；　by　what　he
now　said；　as　he　had　not　alarmed　me　yet。

〃I　repeat　what　I　have　already　told　you；〃　he　proceeded。　〃I　am　no　longer
accountable　for　what　I　do。　If　I　know　anything　of　myself；　I　believe　it
will　be　useless　to　trust　me　in　the　future。　While　I　am　capable　of　speaking
the　truth；　let　me　tell　it。　Whatever　happens　at　a　later　timeremember
this；　I　have　honestly　made　a　clean　breast　of　it　to…night。〃

〃Stop！〃　I　cried。　〃I　don't　understand　your　reckless　way　of　talking。　Every
man　is　accountable　for　what　he　does。〃

He　checked　me　there　by　an　impatient　wave　of　his　hand。

〃Keep　your　opinion；　I　don't　dispute　it。　You　will　see；　you　will
see。Madame　Pratolungo；　the　day　when　we　had　that　private　talk　of　ours　in
the　rectory　summer…house；　marks　a　memorable　date　in　my　calendar。　My　last
honest　struggle　to　be　true　to　my　poor　Oscar　ended　with　that　day。　The
efforts　I　have　made　since　then　have　been　little　better　than　mere
outbreaks　of　despair。　They　have　done　nothing　to　help　me　against　the
passion　that　has　become　the　one　feeling　and　the　one　misery　of　my　life。
Don't　talk　of　resistance。　All　resistance　stops　at　a　certain　point。　Since
the　time　I　have　told　you　of；　_my_　resistance　has　reached　its　limits。　You
have　heard　how　I　struggled　against　temptation；　as　long　as　I　could　resist
it。　I　have　only　to　tell　you　how　I　have　yielded　to　it　now。〃

The　reckless；　shameless　composure　with　which　he　said　that；　began　to　set
me　against　him　once　more。　The　perpetual　shifts　and　contradictions　in　him；
bewildered　and　irritated　me。　Quicksilver　itself　seemed　to　be　less
slippery　to　lay　hold　of　than　this　man。

〃Do　you　remember　the　day；〃　he　asked；　〃when　Lucilla　lost　her　temper；　and
received　you　so　rudely　at　your　visit　to　Browndown？〃

I　made　a　sign　in　the　affirmative。

〃You　spoke；　a　little　while　since；　of　my　personating　Oscar　to　her。　I
personated　him；　on　the　occasion　I　have　just　mentioned；　for　the　first
time。　You　were　present　and　heard　me。　Did　you　care　to　speculate　on　the
motives　which　made　me　impose　myself　on　her　as　my　brother？〃

〃As　well　as　I　can　remember；〃　I　answered；　〃I　made　the　first　guess　that
occurred　to　me。　I　thought　you　were　indulging　in　a　moment's　mischievous
amusement　at　Lucilla's　expense。

〃I　was　indulging　the　passion　that　consumed　me！　I　longed　to　feel　the
luxury　of　her　touching　me　and　being　familiar　with　me；　under　the
impression　that　I　was　Oscar。　Worse　even　than　that；　I　wanted　to　try　how
completely　I　could　impose　on　herhow　easily　I　might　marry　her；　if　I
could　only　deceive　you　all；　and　take　her　away　somewhere　by　herself。　The
devil　was　in　possession　of　me。　I　don't　know　how　it　might　have　ended；　if
Oscar　had　not　come　in；　and　if　Lucilla　had　not　burst　out　as　she　did。　She
distressed　meshe　frightened　meshe　gave　me　back　again　to　my　bette